Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Penindes]

What do you have to lose?

That is a good question. A hard one, too. I don't know. The only things that i can still lose are my Job, my Apartment and my Life. In that order. I don't have anything more to lose because i already lost it. Every little spark of hope in my head cries and screams "let me go". I'm having nightmares every single night, I can't get sleep.
I want to do things other than work, eat and sleep.. but i simply can't. Everything reminds me of the only friend i ever had and everything that reminds me of her makes me cry, either because it's so beautiful of a memory that i am grateful for having it, or because it's a memory that reminds me of the loss of the most valuable thing i ever had in life.

I want to make friends. I tried, i still try. But it does not work. People don't like me for who i am, people don't like me when i pretend to be someone else. People don't like me. She was the only exception. Nobody notices me, nobody seems to know that i exist or that i just finished that job that is so important to the boss. It's just finished. Magic. I'm pretty sure even She forgot me already. I hope she did.


I want to thank you people for reading this. Even if you don't care about me, because let's be honest, why would you? It feels good to be able to let even a tiny fraction of all those bloody feelings out.

[ArazelEternal]

Hi there.. I'm new on here.. i've just discovered this board and this topic just.. I want to tell you a story.

I'm a 21 year old male. Decently attractive i suppose, never had a girlfriend, never came close to having one either. That's not why im writing this.
At 20 I moved away from my parents house as i have a job that pays well enough for me to live in an apartment with 1 room and a bathroom. I don't need anymore space. Because noone will ever visit me.
I had a very, very dear friend some time a ago. My best friend. The best friend i could've ever hoped to have. She was just like me, we were into the same music, the same movies, books, games, food, animals, activities.. we could just sit silently by each others side for 6 hours straight and still feel more than comfortable. We spent almost every other day together and i helped her over 2 break-ups. She was beautiful aswell. There were just so many guys that wanted to be with her but she chose me most of the time. Because i truly was important to her.
And then i fucked up. I fell in love with her... badly. And as i told her, she said "it's fine, really, i would love to give it a try with you, i think you would be the perfect boyfriend.. but.. i just can't at the moment. My heart is blocking all feelings.. it's broken and i need to fix it first."
She promised me, she promised me that it was the truth. She promised me, that she never lied to me. I hold onto these feelings for almost 2 months. She always said.. maybe it will work out as soon as i fixed my heart..
One day Her and I were talking a bit and she asked me if i could borrow her a little bit of money because she wants to visit a friend.
The next day she sent me a picture.. of her lying in bed with that guy, obviously naked. Telling me she fell in love with him. I couldn't. I just.. i stopped to breath for a minute..
I began to write message after message, full of anger, despair.. not because she fell in love with someone. But because she promised me, she wasn't lying when she said "it's not you, it's me", "i'm trying", "i just dont want and can't have a relationship at the moment, with noone"... I felt.. so..so..dumb. Why did i believe her?
I decided really quickly. I wrote her, one last time, "I love you".. and then blocked her on everything she couldve reached me on.
The next day she turned up at my parents house (where i still lived) and we talked a bit. I cried a lot. She did not understand that it was not because she fell in love.
She did not understand that it was because i trusted her, that i believed her every word she said. Because she promised me that she would never lie to me.
I asked her... Who is your best friend?.. She said "You are"... and i said No. That was the last time i've heard of her. And that was almost 2 years ago. 2 weeks later i got my own apartment. She never knew where it was.
I had no friends she could ask. Even my family didnt seem to care where i lived. If they even noticed that i was gone.
I had noone to talk to about my feelings since i lost her. I had noone since i lost her. She was the only person i liked. And she still is. But i can't go back. I want to, but i can't.
The world doesn't care that i exist. Noone cares. She probably even forgot me already.
The only people who would know that I'm gone if i were to end it all right now would be my Co-Workers. And maybe the guy next door. But other than that. I don't see a point in living right now.
I turned away from the only anchor i had in my life. My hopes.. my dreams.. are starting to fade away..
The only thing that keeps me from ending it, are the memories of the time i spent with her. I still love her. I never stopped loving her. And I will die loving her.
And thats my story.

It can be really hard thinking that there is no one around you that cares. I think we all go through that at one point or another in our lives, feeling as if we have lost everything and no one would notice even for a moment if we were gone. I know Ive been there.

I dont know if I would be so quick to judge your parents though. They could have kicked you out when you turned 18, but by the way it sounds they let you live there until you were 20 and decided to move out on your own. I think that shows that they care at least a little.

You are feeling worthless. I know the feeling well. And its a symptom of depression, which I deal with every day of my life along with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder plus High-Functioning Autism. You should find someone to talk to. Your doctor is a good start.

Staying at home when not at work doesnt help much at all. If you are concerned about making friends, believe me, that is not the way to do it. You can make friends online, but they are not there around you. As was suggested before, go to bars. You're 21. Go to clubs, go to shows, go to little things that you can find around town. You dont need a reason. Just go. Just getting out in its own will help a lot and by doing so you will just naturally find people you get along with and make friends. It worked for me.

As for the girl you liked.... shit's rough. But thats all you can really say about it. There isnt always an explanation for the way things happen, they just happen. Maybe she saw something in him that she liked. If she really did lie to you, then she just showed you that you dont want her in your life in the first place. Forget her, but never forget the love you had for her.

You will never love like that again. Not because you will never love again, but because no two times are ever exactly the same. Each person you come to love will be for a different reason because they are a different person. Get out there, but dont go searching for it, just let it happen.

Listen to this song. I think it applies well to your feelings about her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTXUp5lbfq8

[Liminaut]

What do you have to lose?

That is a good question. A hard one, too. I don't know. The only things that i can still lose are my Job, my Apartment and my Life. In that order. I don't have anything more to lose because i already lost it. Every little spark of hope in my head cries and screams "let me go". I'm having nightmares every single night, I can't get sleep.
I want to do things other than work, eat and sleep.. but i simply can't. Everything reminds me of the only friend i ever had and everything that reminds me of her makes me cry, either because it's so beautiful of a memory that i am grateful for having it, or because it's a memory that reminds me of the loss of the most valuable thing i ever had in life.

I want to make friends. I tried, i still try. But it does not work. People don't like me for who i am, people don't like me when i pretend to be someone else. People don't like me. She was the only exception. Nobody notices me, nobody seems to know that i exist or that i just finished that job that is so important to the boss. It's just finished. Magic. I'm pretty sure even She forgot me already. I hope she did.


I want to thank you people for reading this. Even if you don't care about me, because let's be honest, why would you? It feels good to be able to let even a tiny fraction of all those bloody feelings out.

What you are going through here is pretty extreme. It may even be clinical depression, and there is a good chance that medications will help a lot.

I'm not depressed myself, but I know a number of people who are.

Your finances are probably terrible, but look around for a doctor that specializes in low-income cases. They are out there.

It can be very difficult putting forth a lot of effort when you are struggling with depression; you may want to try to enlist your parents to help you find a doctor (although I don't know what your situation with your parents is).

Good luck,

[Broken Yet Whole]

...

Just my fucking luck, another thing to add to the shit fest that is my life.

I might have a genetic enzyme deficiency which is the possible cause for my lung issues. Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency. Inherited from both parents, doesn't normally show until early to mid twenties or so. It messes with the liver too, and liver disease is a cause of hypersalivation which I have.

More likely than not I have this deficiency, of which there is no cure. Welp. Not like I smoke anyway.

[Penindes]

It can be really hard thinking that there is no one around you that cares. I think we all go through that at one point or another in our lives, feeling as if we have lost everything and no one would notice even for a moment if we were gone. I know Ive been there.

I dont know if I would be so quick to judge your parents though. They could have kicked you out when you turned 18, but by the way it sounds they let you live there until you were 20 and decided to move out on your own. I think that shows that they care at least a little.

They careD a little. Yes. I got my first small job at 15 and since then havealways been working part-time next to my education. I always gave roughly half of what i made to my parents. No matter how much I made. That is probably why they cared.

Listen to this song. I think it applies well to your feelings about her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTXUp5lbfq8

I do know the song..yes it does. I listen to it a lot.

Your finances are probably terrible, but look around for a doctor that specializes in low-income cases. They are out there.

It can be very difficult putting forth a lot of effort when you are struggling with depression; you may want to try to enlist your parents to help you find a doctor (although I don't know what your situation with your parents is).

Well. To be honest, terrible is definitely the wrong word. I'm making enough to live in an apartment with 1 room and a bathroom, yes. But not because i can't afford more, because i dont need more.
I still give away a little less than half of my income, just like i did when i lived with my parents who i haven't heard of since i moved out basically. On the last weekend of each month i buy a ticket to a city i haven't been before and give all the money thats left after rent, food and the usual stuff to the homeless.

I guess i will have to believe you. Doctor might be a decent idea. I still can't quite grasp how medications are supposed to help, but i guess i could probably try, maybe.

[Oscar Wildecat]

I still can't quite grasp how medications are supposed to help, but i guess i could probably try, maybe.

You would be surprised. I credit proper medication (along with cognitive behavioral therapy) from taking me from the point to where I literally sat with a gun barrel in my mouth to a point to where I function as a mostly-happy human being.

[Gamera Ramen]

I lost a family member today.

Back in 2005 a tiny little Norwegian Buhund puppy came to our house, flying across the country to get to us. We named him Cody, and he was our dog. Cody wasn’t the first dog I had in my family, but he was the one I spent the most time with. I grew up with Cody; he was with me for most of my life. He was energetic, playful, loud, and really really hairy (seriously this house has dog hair in every nook and cranny). We loved Cody, and Cody loved us.

Unfortunately a liver tumor had been eating away at him for the past month or so, and he was not able to recover. He stuck around for long time even though he was getting sicker and sicker, but ultimately he just couldn't fight if off; he simply wasn't comfortable and happy anymore. We took him to the vet and made a tearful farewell. I just hope we were able to give him comfort in his final moments.

Rest in peace, buddy. We’ll miss you forever.

[Broken Yet Whole]

I lost a family member today.

Back in 2005 a tiny little Norwegian Buhund puppy came to our house, flying across the country to get to us. We named him Cody, and he was our dog. Cody wasn’t the first dog I had in my family, but he was the one I spent the most time with. I grew up with Cody; he was with me for most of my life. He was energetic, playful, loud, and really really hairy (seriously this house has dog hair in every nook and cranny). We loved Cody, and Cody loved us.

Unfortunately a liver tumor had been eating away at him for the past month or so, and he was not able to recover. He stuck around for long time even though he was getting sicker and sicker, but ultimately he just couldn't fight if off; he simply wasn't comfortable and happy anymore. We took him to the vet and made a tearful farewell. I just hope we were able to give him comfort in his final moments.

Rest in peace, buddy. We’ll miss you forever.

I am so, so sorry to hear that, it always hurts to lose a pet in the family. Our family has had no less then six different pets over the years, not including our current three kitties.
I love our cats to pieces, but I honestly don't want to have to go through the loss of yet another family member.

[azumeow]

Y'all need to not be reminding me that my cat's 15, too weak in the legs to jump onto our couches, and sick.

Cuz I' not gonna be able to keep my shit together when her time comes, and I dunno if my parents will tolerate another little energetic ball of fluff around here.

[catsighs]

update I guess!

I'm on the new medication, it's made the hypomania and anxiety worse, actually. pretty self destructive right now, but at least I'm borderline enjoying it? maybe I can channel it into something useful like exercise or something? I hope I can, right now, every other night is a bit of a shitstorm of anxiety, bad compulsions and intrusive thoughts. I'll get there eventually though. I took up yoga and I'm starting to do more exercise, so maybe being healthier and stronger will help?

in terms of actual treatment, I got rejected from counselling and CBT because my issues are 'too severe' and 'too long-term', which.. I don't know how to feel about? these people are supposed to be able to treat bad mental health problems, if they can't treat me then who can? anyway, I'm being referred back to get assessed again, that'll happen at the end of next month, let's hope it'll do something for me. my sister was referred to the same place and though she's almost always suicidal, was badly mistreated and told she didn't deserve treatment. I'm worrying about her, but right now I really need to focus on myself. all I can do is provide her with support, I think, so I will do that and try and let go of all those other worries.

all my best wishes to you guys, it sounds like the world is harsh as ever, but from what I've read you're a tough bunch of people. you got this.

I'm pretty sure even She forgot me already. I hope she did. .

unrequited feelings are awful, I'm so sorry you're going through this.. I'm not sure if it'd make you feel any better to think that she probably didn't actually mean to lie to you? she's probably confused by it too, often you can't choose who you fall for, and often it's surprising. she probably hasn't forgotten you. true friendships are something really special and incredibly important, and it hurts to lose them. if she doesn't miss you, then she probably didn't deserve you.

I agree with others in that I think you might need to see a doctor or something, even if it's not a chronic form of depression, it seems to have severely hurt you, and it's better to look into how you can help yourself out of that horrible feeling sooner rather than later.

I.. sort of understand you here? I had a very close friend, we understood each other so so deeply and talked every day. even when she moved to the other side of the world, we still talked all the time. one day something happened that drove us apart, and we talked less. we both got boyfriends. years later, she moved on and got a girlfriend, and it's only now, now I know I could've had a chance with her romantically, that I realise I have always had strong romantic feelings for her.. it hurts every time I think about her. logically I know that back then, we had no chance, we're both girls and her parents are really... sort of crazy actually.. but it still hurts. it still feels like a missed opportunity. I'm slowly moving past it, but.. yeah.
it takes time. it'll take time for you too, but I'm sure you'll get there.

like everyone else here, the only thing I can really offer you is someone to talk to
good luck, pal xx

[Leopold Hewlast]

Howdy. This marks my debut on this forum. Very not cool but my life just decided to kick my ass sideways.
Anyway...my dear parents are divorcing. It became ugly after some heated argument and with discover of financial embezzlement by my dear stepfather. But that isn't really interesting.
Interesting is fact that I've been called to be a witness by both sides in court case of domestic violence. together with little detail that I've been also sued by my parents in the same case, as the main perpetrator. Allegedly, I've managed in last decade to beat up my both parents, brake my mothers leg and be responsible for situation as a whole.
There are other minor details here and there, but they are in comparison, irrelevant. I am, as of now, without a job, conditionally placed in house arrest at my mothers house. In a foreign country, which tongue I can't really use.
Introduction complete. Goodnight and good luck.

[SilvanaExile]

Greetings everyone. I guess this is my self-introduction to this forum. I've kinda lurked around ever since I read (and had my perspective on life turned upside-down) Katawa Shoujo, probably much like many of you here. However, reading this particular thread has finally convinced me to start posting.

I've gone through my own set of nightmares through the course of my life -- nightmares that, unfortunately, I don't think I'm quite in a position to speak about as of yet (some of which are still haunting me to this day). Regardless, I've found that having gone through the fire more times than I could count showed me that things do calm down eventually.

Through the course of my lurking, I managed to read many of your stories posted here in Hanako's Broken Hearts Club. And I know that things may be horrible right now, but I want you all to know that things will, with enough persistence, eventually get better. Until then, I'll do my best to be available to anyone who needs someone who'll listen to and support them during their time of need.

Keep your heads up and stay strong, everyone.

[Wanderingheartache]

Hello again everyone... I think the last time I was here was August of 2015, the last time I actually had *real* internet access for a while. Life's... well, not really better but it's not much worse for me either. I just thought I'd do a little update with my condition here... I'm not really sure how to word it actually. I guess, I'll break it down like I usually do:

Dad's still employed, gone more than usual like he was with my childhood regarding business trips... still living with my parents at 26 because I cannot hold a job and it's crippling me. My family won't outright say it, but I can sense it every time they see me sleeping in or when I botch an interview... they think I'm a failure and I really don't think they want to understand what goes on through my head at those moments. I thought my mother was more empathetic to my situation but I can tell that's starting to fade because of my father starting to barrel down on her because I'm "talking back in his house" when I explain to him what happened when I botched an interview and don't get a call back. My brother's starting to get the same treatment I'm getting because he had gotten fired recently. Therapy got too expensive so I was forced to quit and now I'm pretty much relying on 7 cups of tea, but it's not helping... I must be unlucky as I keep getting the apathetic types or I'm annoying the hell out of them.

I accidentally found Kyra on a podcast... I'm kinda happy for her finding some success, but I sill feel kinda sad that she's not talking to me. I don't know if she's seeing her co-host or not but they seem really close... I still haven't found anyone so I'm most definitely jealous, but I'm also hoping that she's really happy regardless of whether she's seeing anyone or not. I have a lot of mixed feelings but I want to say that I'm just happy for her if she's truly happy... that's all I ever really wanted for her, that she'd be happy regardless of whether or not I was in her life. Clearly though, I must somewhat still want to be a part of it...

EDIT: through some accidental digging (I swear) I have found evidence that this may indeed be true that Kyra is dating her podcast co-host... I learned this through the guy's twitter feed as he's the main personality promoting the podcast from his personal account. I'm a little sad, majorly heartbroken... but overall still happy for her.


Oh yeah, about having *real" internet again... my last computer exploded while I was gone. I just recently got a replacement... dunno how much longer this one will last though. Sorry for coming back on negative feelings again, but I needed somewhere to vent... again you guys seemed very supportive in the past and I just felt safe saying it all here since I don't really have anyone left offline to talk to

[Liminaut]

Hello again everyone... I think the last time I was here was August of 2015, the last time I actually had *real* internet access for a while. Life's... well, not really better but it's not much worse for me either. I just thought I'd do a little update with my condition here... I'm not really sure how to word it actually. I guess, I'll break it down like I usually do:

Dad's still employed, gone more than usual like he was with my childhood regarding business trips... still living with my parents at 26 because I cannot hold a job and it's crippling me. My family won't outright say it, but I can sense it every time they see me sleeping in or when I botch an interview... they think I'm a failure and I really don't think they want to understand what goes on through my head at those moments. I thought my mother was more empathetic to my situation but I can tell that's starting to fade because of my father starting to barrel down on her because I'm "talking back in his house" when I explain to him what happened when I botched an interview and don't get a call back. My brother's starting to get the same treatment I'm getting because he had gotten fired recently. Therapy got too expensive so I was forced to quit and now I'm pretty much relying on 7 cups of tea, but it's not helping... I must be unlucky as I keep getting the apathetic types or I'm annoying the hell out of them.

I accidentally found Kyra on a podcast... I'm kinda happy for her finding some success, but I sill feel kinda sad that she's not talking to me. I don't know if she's seeing her co-host or not but they seem really close... I still haven't found anyone so I'm most definitely jealous, but I'm also hoping that she's really happy regardless of whether she's seeing anyone or not. I have a lot of mixed feelings but I want to say that I'm just happy for her if she's truly happy... that's all I ever really wanted for her, that she'd be happy regardless of whether or not I was in her life. Clearly though, I must somewhat still want to be a part of it...

EDIT: through some accidental digging (I swear) I have found evidence that this may indeed be true that Kyra is dating her podcast co-host... I learned this through the guy's twitter feed as he's the main personality promoting the podcast from his personal account. I'm a little sad, majorly heartbroken... but overall still happy for her.


Oh yeah, about having *real" internet again... my last computer exploded while I was gone. I just recently got a replacement... dunno how much longer this one will last though. Sorry for coming back on negative feelings again, but I needed somewhere to vent... again you guys seemed very supportive in the past and I just felt safe saying it all here since I don't really have anyone left offline to talk to

Let me give some career advice here. I've been on both sides of hiring a lot, both as an applicant and as a hiring manager. My responses will be very US-centric, so they may not apply to you.

Getting a job is difficult. A job search is a full time job. If you're not putting a lot of effort into it, you probably aren't doing it right. The job process is filled with rejection, and this can get very discouraging. When I've been on intense job searches I've set my goal as "learn something -- about job hunting, about a company, about the field I'm trying to get into". Making that switch made it so that almost all job hunting activities has a positive outcome.

My second piece of advice is to start volunteering. This will do a bunch of good things. 1) It will get you off the couch and away from the house 2) it gets you a bunch of human contact 3) it gives you something to put on your resume in terms of what you've been doing 4) you can make a bunch of contacts that can help you find a job.

There is also a good chance that you've become clinically depressed. If that's the case a quick trip to a local doc to get some happy pills can do wonders.

[Wanderingheartache]

Let me give some career advice here. I've been on both sides of hiring a lot, both as an applicant and as a hiring manager. My responses will be very US-centric, so they may not apply to you.

Getting a job is difficult. A job search is a full time job. If you're not putting a lot of effort into it, you probably aren't doing it right. The job process is filled with rejection, and this can get very discouraging. When I've been on intense job searches I've set my goal as "learn something -- about job hunting, about a company, about the field I'm trying to get into". Making that switch made it so that almost all job hunting activities has a positive outcome.

My second piece of advice is to start volunteering. This will do a bunch of good things. 1) It will get you off the couch and away from the house 2) it gets you a bunch of human contact 3) it gives you something to put on your resume in terms of what you've been doing 4) you can make a bunch of contacts that can help you find a job.

There is also a good chance that you've become clinically depressed. If that's the case a quick trip to a local doc to get some happy pills can do wonders.

I know getting a job is difficult, I never expected it to be easy because I barely lucked out the first time I got a job... though connections (my mother used to be a convenience store manager and put in a few good words for me to apply at a different store in the same company), a great first impression, and them hurting for new employees I was able to get my first job at 19 and I managed to hold it for six months before a major mistake cost me my job. (alcohol sting, I accidentally sold a wine cooler to a minor... it was a law enforcement decoy so I guess I got what I deserved? Only, I followed company protocol and the ID did come up as legit... I guess there was a technique I was never taught to spot really good forgeries?) Thankfully my legal record is still clean as I did my community service and got the charges expunged... though the stigma still remains. I'm still doing my research though, I've made some pretty good first impressions I think but my qualifications may be lacking... or perhaps I'm just not the first choice they have when the applications are viewed and I'm not giving as great of a first impression as I think? I know I've botched a lot of interviews out of nervousness and/or just saying the wrong thing because I trip up on words a lot. I know the stress of constantly failing is what caused me to catch pneumonia and be sick for all of december and most of january... my doctor felt I was pushing myself too hard and told me to take it easy in the cold seasons.


As for volunteering, I've recently quit volunteering with conventions recently as it was going nowhere and they treated me more as free labor than someone who had a learning experience... I've stopped putting them as references too because I think they never intended to help me find employment and solely wanted to keep me around for "volunteer duties" that basically kept the conventions running at minimal costs. I don't deny that volunteering could help me a lot and I try to get as many opportunities as I can. I am afraid of running myself ragged and sick again for having to change my sleep schedule so drastically so I could be the first in line to help out at say a food bank or another donation area where they may need people to sort things.



As far as clinical depression... it's possible, but I learned that some mood altering substances have very drastic effects on me. It could have just been that I was an adolescent given antidepressants to combat my ADD medicines, but my personality changed a lot depending on when I was taking the pills or not. But, I will check with my doctor to see if medication is necessary though... it's clear therapy isn't helping.


I appreciate the advice