Post
by BMFJack » Sun Jan 11, 2015 11:05 am
Azumeow, I can't imagine what you're feeling. I know what it's like to love and lose someone (I'll get to that) and it isn't fun. I do think it'd be a good idea if you guys never reconnected though, it's been my observation and experience that when there is that much animosity and frustration/history between two people, it can never work out in the end.
LilyKitsune, I may be wrong about this, but I strongly recommend that you don't get some kind of plastic surgery because you think you're ugly. If there's another reason (I couldn't real all 300 pages of this thread, sorry) then by all means, but part of learning how to be happy is learning to accept yourself for who you are, because if you don't love and accept yourself, then how can you expect someone else to? Besides that, I think Ron White had a really good point when he said "You can't fix stupid." I may be looking too deeply into a comedian's joke, but what I read in that is that what's really important is personality. Looks are chosen for you, they don't make you who you are. But you can choose your personality.
Okay, so, that being said, get ready for a really long and incredibly depressing story.
It's hard to find a starting point. My parents got divorced when I was 10 years old. My mom got up and went to work like everything was normal, except she didn't come home that day. Or the next. For two weeks, we didn't hear a word. Then my dad got a phone call from her, asking for a divorce. She gave up all rights to me, my brother, and my sister. I didn't see her again for almost a year, when I guess she had a sudden attack of conscience or something and started taking us to wherever she happened to live at the time (it was always different) for the ENTIRE summer between school years.
The above alone was pretty difficult for me. I'm the youngest of my siblings and prior to the divorce I was a "mama's boy". Then stealing me away from my home for the entireity of summer break every year throughout middle and most of high school... I hated it. The whole ordeal fucked me up, I have problems dealing with females in general, not just romantically. But that's not the end... it's just the beginning.
My dad never remarried, and only had casual relationships so I never had another mother figure, apart from maybe my older sister. He had to work a lot to support three kids, and the stress was literally tearing him apart. Because we were all really fucking depressed, my siblings and me were really lethargic, unmotivated, lazy. It was hard for my dad to enforce anything because he was working so much, so when he came home and the house was a mess, he'd scream at us until he was hoarse and then he'd invite a few friends over and they'd all go into his room (we weren't allowed in his room) and smoke weed all night.
Not done yet, not by a long shot.
When I was in 8th grade, I met this girl. She wasn't particularly pretty, but she was hilarious and quirky in a way that I liked. I have always been extremely shy (until recently, that is) so I never asked her out or anything. She was a grade behind me though, so I went to high school and more or less forgot about her. Then when she came to high school, she sought me out and found me. I fell in love pretty quickly, but still couldn't manage to say anything for a long time. When I did, her response was "We're too good of friends to go out" but later that same year, she started dating one of her other good guy friends. She always acted really close to me, like walking arm-in-arm with me anytime we were together, and on cold mornings we would cuddle, she told me she loved me more than any other person on this planet except for her mother, but adamantly refused to go out with me. Because I have emotional problems, I couldn't cope with it. When one of her friends accidentally revealed to me that she smoked weed, I cut her off. Complete silent treatment. I ignored her existence, and surprisingly, she only tried a total of two times to reach out to me. The second time was weak. Knowing what I know now, I really should have stuck to my guns... but I couldn't. I thought about her every day, I had dreams about her, everything reminded me of her. That went on for over six months before I finally broke. I started talking to her again and at first it went really well, she had quit smoking weed and was making concerted efforts to become a better person. For a few brief moments I thought maybe she'd changed her mind about me, but that wasn't the case. So for most of high school I was smitten; thus leaving me no opportunity to try at a relationship with anyone else. During my senior year, we skipped classes after lunch and went to a mutual friend's house, where she and I laid in a bed and cuddled and fell asleep in each other's arms. At that point, it was the happiest day of my life. It still didn't mean anything to her, in fact she had a boyfriend at the time. After I graduated high school, we lost contact. I thought about her almost every day, and I had dreams about her a lot. This part isn't over but stuff happened in between.
It took me years to regain enough emotional balance to even begin to like anyone else. When I was 21 I started dating one of my sisters friends, and it went well at first. I had a lot of firsts with this chick, and then after we'd been dating for about two months we went out to a bar (I didn't want to, she forced me. I'm very introverted.) I was kind of broke but she begged me to buy her just ONE drink, which I very reluctantly agreed to do. She ordered three altogether, and I didn't know about the other two until I went to pay because she didn't spend a lot of time around me while we were at the bar. I fell asleep on her couch as soon as we got back because it was super late, and she woke me up after I'd only been asleep for three hours by jumping on top of me (she was short, but large. It hurt.) and yelling something about me being lazy. My brother and I don't react well to being woken up during the night. My brother has been known to punch and kick people who try to wake him up. I scream. She broke down in tears and told me that I was just like her ex-husband (who repeatedly raped and abused her) and we couldn't be together anymore. I can't say I loved her, but I did care for her deeply and being told that I was just like a rapist and woman-beater hurt like hell.
Very shortly after that, on my birthday as a matter of fact, I got an email from the first girl saying that she wanted to meet up, which I was super excited about. After high school I tried everything I knew to track her down, but failed miserably. Turns out she had gotten pregnant shortly after she graduated and moved halfway across the country, but had recently moved back. She named her son after me. That first time we hung out, I thought I could finally let her go. The fuzzy feelings werent there, she had changed, I had changed, etc. But after we hung out a few more times, it was back full force. When we'd met up the first time, she explained to me that she was living with the father of her child out of convenience, and for the sake of their son. She strongly gave me the impression that they were not in a relationship. I was a lot less shy by then, so I just ballsed up and told her I wanted her. She said she still didn't feel that way about me, but she said some other weird things that I still don't understand to this day. The next time we were hanging out, she sat in my lap (which wasn't necessarily uncommon) there was a lull in conversation where we were just looking at each other, and I swear... I heard her voice in my head. In my head, she said "Kiss me" ...so I did. We ended up making out for... I don't even know how long. It was a long time. Monday, Dec. 6th 2010 that was. I wont ever forget it. Just like the day we cuddled during my senior year: Friday, February 15th 2008. We.. kind of had a relationship at that point. I say kind of, because a few weeks later I found out that she had mislead me about her son's father in the most horrific way. See, the guy worked two jobs so he was never at home, so I only met him like twice. She hated him. So one day I went with her while she was running some errands and he called to have her bring something to him at work. He came out to get it and when they parted, he kissed her and said "I love you" to which she replied "I love you too."
I didn't even care. I knew she hated him and I thought she really cared for me, we had conversations about this mystical "flow" that existed between us. We never got intimate physically, but we came close quite a few times. The first time, she tried to seduce me. I refused on the grounds that we weren't in a relationship, and to this day I regret that very very much. The longer our pseudo-relationship went on, the more it bothered me what I was doing to her son's father. I liked him, I really did. He was a good father, a really nice guy. It came to a head when my brother described his own situation which mirrored my own, except he was the one who was being lied to by a girl whom he had a kid with and he suspected that she was seeing guys while he was working two jobs to support his 'family'...
We had a falling out. She told me that it never meant anything, that she was just trying to make me happy, and she wanted to know what it was like, with me. We didn't talk again for a long time. We both moved, she got married to that guy she hates for the sake of their children. I sent her a message on facebook about a year ago and she lashed out at me pretty hard. Said she hated me and a bunch of other really mean things, then a few weeks later apologized for having such an "extreme reaction" We exchanged a few weird messages before I finally just told her to never talk to me again. The really fucked up part is... despite what advice I'll give to others, if she sent me a message saying she'd divorced that guy and wanted to give "us" a shot, I would pick up from where I'm at almost 2700 miles away and come running full speed. I still think about her a lot, and I have dreams about her most nights. The dreams themselves are really good dreams. Usually we cuddle or kiss or just talk (never had a sex dream about her, my feelings for her aren't very physical) but then I wake up to this shitty reality where I'm completelty alone and it just breaks me.
I had another girlfriend before I moved that I dated for about five months. Everything was great, I thought, she had told me that I was the most amazing person she had ever met among other praises, but then one day I couldn't get a hold of her. This lasted for about two weeks until I finally just decided to show up at her house (she lived with her parents) uninvited, which is something I don't ever do, and she completely ignored me. Once I finally got her to acknowledge my existence, she said she lost her phone and had just found it that day. A likely excuse, right? I bought it though, foolishly. Still couldn't get in contact with her for a few days, and when I finally just sent a text saying "We need to talk" she waited until she knew I was at work and sent me a text saying she couldn't do it anymore, was too busy to be in a relationship. It was very similar to how my mom left my dad. I really, really loved her. I know we weren't together for long, but I still wonder sometimes what happened. She refused to have any interaction with me after that.
The only (and I hesitate to use this word) normal relationship I've ever had was my last one which was over two years ago. We only dated for about two months. At first I liked her, but quickly I found her very annoying. I decided to stick it out a bit to see if it could work, but she was falling for me hard and fast so I had to end it. However, my previous relationship had taught me how damaging it can be to just dump someone cold-heartedly so I sat her down and explained to her why I didn't want to be in a relationship with her. She cried but all in all it went well and I even got break up sex.
I can't bring myself to care for another woman. Sure, I'm attracted to them, but I never act on it. It doesn't help that I'm kind of a sociopath. When I was 17 I saw my sister crying and I just felt awkward. I didn't feel bad for her, I didn't want to know what happened, I just didn't know what to do. That kind of inappropriate emotional reaction (or lack thereof) happens to me often, which is why I said I have emotional problems.
I still have dreams about the girl I met in 8th grade to this day. Had one last night, as a matter of fact. I don't have a very good job, so I couldn't go visit my family for christmas or thanksgiving. I only bought one christmas present (for my best friend who lives two hours away and hates non-personal communication) and it broke me so bad that I couldn't eat for a few days. The only reason I have internet is because my apartment complex provides it for free.
And so... there it is. There's more but I assume I've taken up too much space already.
I guess it's something that will come eventually.
