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I'm a moron. I am a moron. I AM A FUCKING MORON.

Well, some of you may remember my...kinda psychotic ex. The one who got kinda suicidal, scared me off, faked a suicide attempt and brain cancer, and has been in and out of my life for the past two years.

She's back.

I want her back. But I don't. I don't know. I kinda do. It'd be easier. Maybe. I...I'm honestly just confused. I miss her. Before everything went to shit, I was SO happy. That was probably the happiest time of my life, being with her. There was a time when I'd have given up everything just to be with her. Drop out of my University, move hundreds of miles, even get married in a church (was really "enlightened" back then, in the fedora sense).

Well, now that most of that's gone anyway, I realized that in reality, being with her was one of the only truly good things I have. But fear not! I'm not about to reach the emotional Blue Screen of Death. Probably. I want to be with her. I do. Maybe it's a bad idea. Maybe it's not. It's been a long time. We've both gotten plenty of psychological help since then (though I'll be needing about seven or eight more metric fucktons). She just got back from training for the National Guard. I'm going to see her next week during my Thanksgiving break.

Basically, here's how I feel: I do want to be with her. She's seeing someone now, but knowing our history, there's a pretty decent shot that the longer we spend around each other, the more likely we'll be to gravitate back to each other. She and I have history, and even if it isn't all great, she...she proved to me that I can be happy. In a time of pain, misery, agony, heartache and suffering, she became a beacon of light and joy. I truly loved her.

And I fucked it up by running away when she needed me to actually CARE about her and help her understand her feelings.

I'll be honest, I....left a lot out. She...has a past. One that I wasn't exactly kind about at some points. I think I may have done a lot more damage than I realized with things I said. I know I hurt her at times, but when she started talking about how she didn't know what she'd do without me, I got scared and ran off. Probably could have, and should have handled it better. She says she forgives me. I don't. Not yet.

I've said and believe that I've been through hell and back. This girl has spent most of her life living there. Literally everything I've gone through, literally everything except for the current degradation of my body...she's suffered significantly worse. She is so immensely stronger than I am that it fucking baffles me. She was there for me when I needed her, and while she wasn't perfect, she was pretty good about it.

It was KS that taught me just what she meant to me. Lilly's route, to be exact. When Hisao nearly died to get Lilly, it made me realize that I really was in love with this girl and wanted to be with her. It was too little, too late. We were talking, but she was trying to move on.

She hasn't. Not completely. I know it. We have a mutual friend, and...well, things they've both said pretty heavily indicate that she still at least has some affection for me. That, along with the fact that she keeps calling and texting me, being silly and cutesy...especially after how many times I've tried to make her leave. The things I did and said. She was what I should have been and have always wanted to be: ever-loyal at the end of the day, no matter how angry or vicious I was.

I want to at least use this to truly change who I am. I've begun working on my commitment issues. Even if this girl never wants to be with me again and just wants to be friends (but let's be honest, we've gotten back together and broken up a LOT, I highly doubt being 'just friends' will last), I'm okay with that.

I am. I fucked up. If it cost me a future with this girl, that is not the end of the world. I'm going to a different college next year...probably. I'll be able to meet all sorts of new people. Change the direction of my life. Even if I can't be with this girl, I can look back on our fond memories, the good times we had, and use them as a way to create a more beautiful and happy path for myself and whomever is crazy enough to stick with me. I'll keep the mistakes we made and use them as lessons. I want to be a better person for this. Not for her. For me. I want to be happy again.

I hate sitting in this bed 80-90% of the day, doing nothing, barely eating, lying here in self-pity and depression. My mind feels like it's falling apart: I have no motivation to do anything. It comes it extremely short bursts, and everything I do is just whim.

I'm depressed. Truly, severely depressed. This is what I was like last semester, this is what I was like when my friend Chris died. Nearly catatonic. Days go by without any real...existence. They're formless. One day is no different from the last. I can get out of this, but I'll need help. I'll need my family, I'll need therapy, I'll need people who truly love me and want to help me. Maybe that's why I'm so receptive to getting close to her again.

This is Hanako's Broken Heart Club, and my heart is sure as shit broken. It's a monster. A cruel, twisted abomination, made of steel and flesh and fire. But it works. And I swear on the graves of all those I've lost, I swear on my own life, that I will not let a broken heart keep me from being happy. I'll get miles of duct tape, glue and staples if that's what's needed. Because I am one thing above all else: I am a Survivor. I am tough. I cannot be destroyed. Shatter me into a million pieces, I'll rebuild.

Because FUCK YOU, world! I am the master of my destiny, no one else. And I say...my destiny is greater than this.

I don't have something to say about it (never lived something like that and don't have a clue about what you must do,sorry) but my heart goes out to you.

As someone who has been in a similar situation, azumeow, I have to ask (and I apologize if this comes across the wrong way):

Are you sure you're in love with her or are you in love with the ideal of her and what she represents?

Wow. Back on topic with a vengeance! Considering my own past, however, I don't think I have any useful advice

I dont know what either of you haven been through but I think if both of you want to succeed at this relationship, you gonna need to have a serious talk with her and about both yours and her actions so things like faking suicides or cancer stuff dont come later again. Both parties need to be willing to change for it to succeed.

Not sure what else I can say, im no expert on relationships so yeah, just thought it sounded the most logical in my mind. Hope it works out for you.

azumeow wrote: -snip-

I can relate. I've had my own run in with depression and I went as far to consider suicide (Never attempted thank god). My girlfriend, and we make no sense together, is also suicidal. She actually attempted it, but for some reason when we got together, both of us stopped even remotely thinking about it. We were hardly ever depressed, because we could always count on each other and lean on one another for emotional support.

What you need to do is ask yourself: Is you Ex someone who when you need her, she'll be there? And can you do be there for her when SHE needs it too? After that, well, then you have to make sure you two still like each other enough to be together. If you and her truly want to be together, you can work out what happened, and hopefully move on and be happy again. Depression sucks.

Eurobeatjester wrote: Are you sure you're in love with her or are you in love with the ideal of her and what she represents?

This is a good question. I don't think I'm in love with her anymore. I still care about her, but not as much as I used to. I'd like to give it another shot, but as I said, I'm not gonna be super wrecked if it doesn't work out that way. If it doesn't, I'll move on.

ogorhan wrote:I dont know what either of you haven been through but I think if both of you want to succeed at this relationship, you gonna need to have a serious talk with her and about both yours and her actions so things like faking suicides or cancer stuff dont come later again. Both parties need to be willing to change for it to succeed.

Definitely gonna happen. I've already mentioned how I feel bad for what I'd done in the past, and she's said she's forgiven me. Of course, when we actually meet up, this talk will probably happen.

minimike96 wrote: What you need to do is ask yourself: Is you Ex someone who when you need her, she'll be there? And can you do be there for her when SHE needs it too? After that, well, then you have to make sure you two still like each other enough to be together. If you and her truly want to be together, you can work out what happened, and hopefully move on and be happy again. Depression sucks.

She'll be there for me. But I don't know if I'll be there for her. I've always been weaker than her mentally and emotionally, and we both know that. But this time around, I'm really gonna try to be there for her more. Like I said, I want to be a better person than I was before. I want to be the type of person who is ready to support the people he cares about, even if I have my own issues to worry about.

Thanks for all the support, y'all. We'll find out in a few days what's gonna happen...

I'm with Zarys(spelt it like Varys at first:P), I can't really say much. If you think it might work again, take a shot. If I were you I'd date her for a bit and see where the road takes me. Hope it ends well for ya friend. We'll be here waiting for ya, you're kinda odd extended family

azumeow wrote: -snip-

Best of luck! Hope everything works out for ya!

azumemow, I think you want to change and improve your life. That you have a history with this girl and things seem to sort of go okay with you means you see her as a springboard for doing this - but do you really expect it can last? After all this shit? Or is she the nearest convenient person to grab onto and haul yourself out of the quicksand with?

You need to ask yourself that, because your convictions seem to be more proving to the world (and yourself) that you don't care what it thinks, what it does, you will rise above it and be stronger. If you try to do so with someone who has so much negativity attached, where things are already a bit shaky, aren't you risking falling back in deeper and harder unless your intent is to use them to slingshot yourself upwards... and then let go and enjoy the momentum?

The happy ending has you with enough momentum to carry her up with you, but you know happy endings...

metalangel wrote:azumemow, I think you want to change and improve your life. That you have a history with this girl and things seem to sort of go okay with you means you see her as a springboard for doing this - but do you really expect it can last? After all this shit? Or is she the nearest convenient person to grab onto and haul yourself out of the quicksand with?

You need to ask yourself that, because your convictions seem to be more proving to the world (and yourself) that you don't care what it thinks, what it does, you will rise above it and be stronger. If you try to do so with someone who has so much negativity attached, where things are already a bit shaky, aren't you risking falling back in deeper and harder unless your intent is to use them to slingshot yourself upwards... and then let go and enjoy the momentum?

The happy ending has you with enough momentum to carry her up with you, but you know happy endings...

Happy Endings are false. There really is only an ending. There will always be pain and sadness, but also always be happiness and joy.
This is something he needs to do regardless of if it works out or not. He needs to try, not for anyone but himself. Maybe I'm taking this way too personally for someone who just started posting, but I've dealt with what he's going through. And I know that the only way you're gonna be happy, is if you just try and make it work

azumeow wrote:She'll be there for me. But I don't know if I'll be there for her. I've always been weaker than her mentally and emotionally, and we both know that. But this time around, I'm really gonna try to be there for her more. Like I said, I want to be a better person than I was before. I want to be the type of person who is ready to support the people he cares about, even if I have my own issues to worry about.

This all feels... off to me. It seems more than one person was worried about you seeing an ideal version of her with only the good moments and none of the bad. But i worry you're doing that to yourself a bit. Seeing an ideal version of oneself and getting involved like its a test of yourself more than anything.

minimike96 wrote: Happy Endings are false. There really is only an ending. There will always be pain and sadness, but also always be happiness and joy.

Truer words were never spoken. I just believe that there may be multiple roads to this ending.

metalangel wrote:azumemow, I think you want to change and improve your life. That you have a history with this girl and things seem to sort of go okay with you means you see her as a springboard for doing this - but do you really expect it can last? After all this shit? Or is she the nearest convenient person to grab onto and haul yourself out of the quicksand with?

You need to ask yourself that, because your convictions seem to be more proving to the world (and yourself) that you don't care what it thinks, what it does, you will rise above it and be stronger. If you try to do so with someone who has so much negativity attached, where things are already a bit shaky, aren't you risking falling back in deeper and harder unless your intent is to use them to slingshot yourself upwards... and then let go and enjoy the momentum?

The happy ending has you with enough momentum to carry her up with you, but you know happy endings...

Well, we've decided to be friends. Which does help deal with some of the complicated BS here. My intent wasn't to use her as a way to slingshot my way up. I was planning on developing a large and strong net of support between my friends and family. That plan is still the same, but with her role just not as significant. It's gonna be a long ride, and I don't wanna put all my eggs in any one basket, because holy shit that is a terrible idea.

LilyKitsune wrote:
This all feels... off to me. It seems more than one person was worried about you seeing an ideal version of her with only the good moments and none of the bad. But i worry you're doing that to yourself a bit. Seeing an ideal version of oneself and getting involved like its a test of yourself more than anything.

This isn't really a test for me. It's part of the road that I believe will make me happy. Learning to let go of anger, open up to others and being there for other people rather than being constantly absorbed in my own problems will, ultimately, make my life easier. If I'm able to help my friends and loved ones deal with things that are bothering them, it makes me feel better about myself. It makes them feel better about the issue at hand. It's good for everybody. I am seeing some idealized version of myself, but I think of it more as a goal rather than a test. The ultimate point is to better myself, not reach some pre-conceived standard. Currently, I'm sort of a misanthropic, pretty self-centered asshole. I'm a decent friend, but if things get shaky for me, I clam up and shut the world out. That's just really unhealthy, and it's caused me a lot of problems before.

I hope that made sense. I just wanna be a better and happier person, no matter where I am, what I'm doing or who I'm with.

Wow, it's been just over a day since I got back home.

I remember why I was so fucking eager to go off to college now. Between getting guilt-tripped over my sexual assault, my crazy fucking mother and my total lack of friends in this shithole of a town, it's a god damned wonder I didn't just swan dive off my roof into the pavement.

Now I remember why I almost never socialize with other human beings, because this is the behavior I expect from them. Kill me.