Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Zarys]

Wow, that's...it's not a fuckin' competition, dude.
Actually, more than that. People like YOU are the reason I have trouble talking about my issues. You hear what I have to say, then just tell me "Oh, that's not so bad" when it clearly is destroying my life. But nah, I guess it's just small fucking potatoes to you, Toughest Man in the Universe. Fuck off.

I don't thinked that you will takes it so badly, really sorry; I tend to don't think enough before type when I'm on a forum
I was a little angry because i'v seen that even with some things i wants, you don't seems happier. (so, it's breaks a little my hopes)

Try to be calm about this. I know it's hard, but bans come from being uncontrolled and nobody wants that.

I will say that it can be extremely difficult to talk about your troubles when people make suffering into a competition, where you're not allowed to feel bad if other people have it harder than you. Somebody very close to me is a marine, a national level wrestler and a victim of borderline child abuse. He tries to be understanding of my problems and he does an exceptional job of being there for me, but if I hear, "That's nothing, when I was your age, I was knee deep in mud at boot camp!" one more time, I'm gonna scream. That sort of thing makes you want to bottle up your feelings and it makes you feel bad about feeling bad, which is totally counterproductive, and it isn't right to do that to somebody.

Obviously if you have a panic attack over a paper cut, that's going too far, but that's something entirely different.

Agreed, things kinda escalated bit and I suspect some because of the language barrier or people kinda joking but not realising its not a joke. Best to move on.

Probably, my words must be more brutal than i wants

[LordMarluxia]

I was "broken" for a long time. Most of my childhood (family-wise) was good. Finish elementary school and hell starts.

For starters, I was almost twice as tall as a regular 10 year old, fortunately I stopped growing at 186cm otherwise I would have been a giant. This attracted the attention of bullies, who were a a lot older and seemed delighted to torment a 10 year old kid who was as big as them. I was tormented everyday, ashamed, humiliated, pushed around, beaten, kicked in the nuts, I had my things destroyed, taken from me, burned in front of my eyes, I was scared shitless of even owning anything other than my schoolbooks and pens.
I got my first cellphone at 11 years old because I was perceived as responsible by my family, said cellphone, was stolen of course. My father accused me of losing it, even after I told him what happened.

"Can you see what I see?"
My elementary schools friends? Abandoned me as soon as the bullying started. Rarely spoke to me. Even my class made fun of me. "A giant who can't crush ants, what a sod". The girls called me hideous, a monstrosity, they played a little game where they rank the boys in terms of handsomeness and the "least handsome" need to get kicked in the nuts. Imagine me, entering school like a scared rabbit and out of fucking nowhere 15 girls come running to me and start kicking me without an apparent reason. No one seemed to care.
My parents? "They will get tired, don't worry"; "Look at your size, punch one in the face and they will leave you alone". They never noticed how deeply scared I was. It came to a point where I would scratch and bite myself because how much I hated my own being. I still have some bite marks. Nobody saw what I was going through.

I wanted to die. Truly, I thought about suicide seriously. Do you know how it feels for you to be contemplating suicide in one moment (knife in hand) and then going to have dinner and have your parents completely oblivious to how deep in despair you are? It's choking.

I left that school after 2 long years of abuse. I started closing my shell on anyone. I would leave class as soon as the bell rang, and ran to the library where I was at peace inside my books. I would always arrive late to class to avoid people. I started to get scared of everyone who came in contact with me.
Then the bullying re-started. Different people in a slightly different routine. Looking back, it wasn't as bad as it had been before but by then I was too broken to notice. I would cry at night, wishing death and hating myself for not being able to do it. The anxiety attacks started, there was some PSA about bullying and some things normalized. One day I snapped, I always knew there was something bad, really bad, inside me. On that day the bullies cracked me wide open, and that something came out. I grabbed one of them and beat him until he no longer moved. He fainted. After the "bad wolf" was gone I was left there, alone, crying, wondering what happened, I had a panic attack, paramedics came and shit like that. I got some emotional support but there was no money to continue helping me.

"Can you stand up for yourself?"
Then I had an idea. I could act. I already showed that I had something bad inside. Something scary that could come if pushed hard enough. I glorified that part of me.
Yes, I would act. I had the body and the voice. I practiced my scary face in the mirror. "If I'm not myself when I'm out they can't hurt me"
That was my very flawed logic. At school, I would speak louder, walk with my chest open, and lash out at everyone who tried anything funny. Again, looking bad, some of them were just trying to be funny, for real. But I couldn't tell the difference anymore. I got into heavy metal, and I followed the old-school dress code. I looked like a viking, walking around school. While acting I could do everything. I let my hair grow, used leather jackets and trooper boots. I really liked heavy-metal, but without acting I couldn't do these things. I would normally break during the night, waking up sweating and crying. Shaking in fear of something, or someone...

"Can you tell me what you think?"
This change brought some people to me. Since I didn't spend my days hiding the library, people came to talk with me. Soon I got a "friend". We played video games and stuff together. He was smart, he knew I was acting most the time. I am smart, and I noticed he had problems too. We never shared our problems, we never knew what the other was thinking. He was more outgoing by nature, and had some friends. I was acting and only had him. I never got close to people. I didn't let them. I was still scared.
This went on until I was 17. When I got into my final year in highschool, acting all the time was stressful. People already had a pre-conceived idea of who I was and keeping up appearances was getting harder by the day. I sought relief. I sought to be able to rest, I wanted to get away from all of them.

"Can you seize the day?"
I did seize the day. My class was too full, and the school wanted to take some of us and divide us between other classes. Everyone was shocked when I dropped my acting momentarily and said calmly: "I volunteer. Please take me..." I was put in another class, where no one knew me, I was one of the older students in that school, they were people who got there this year (just for the final year). No one trying to get close. No one asking "what's up?", just silence. I still acted, I needed to face people. But I was still broken inside, a little less than I was before I started acting, but still very fearful of people in general. I didn't act as much as before. I cut my hair short and started dressing more casually.

Then I saw her. A beautiful girl. Her hair looked like silk, brown, but fiery red when the sun shone the right way. Her voice was music, very low and calming. I heard her talking a friend and was paralyzed by her voice, so soothing... I felt my natural uneasiness slowly going away (for the moment). She was very short, about 157cm, and had a pink backpack. My eyes followed her around the entire time. I didn't know who she was. And then... I noticed she looked at me from time to time.


"Can you face your fears?"
One day, at gym class (one of the rare outdoor ones), I was slacking off in the sun and she came to my class to talk one of my classmates. They started playing with a ball. Eventually the ball hit me in the head. I froze, almost crapping my pants, my mind fired off "I'm being bullied again!, I let my guard down". Then I looked around... and I saw her. An awkward smile in her beautiful lips, which said quietly "Sorry... I didn't mean to". We spoke briefly. And decided to speak some more later.
My heart was racing. I talked to her. I talked to someone... normally. Casually. A hundred cats must have died because these things didn't happen to me.
We spoke again the day after and made plans to go out on sunday. I didn't sleep for the rest of the week. I skipped classes to go hiding in the library, I was scared that this was all some elaborate joke they decided to play on me. But oddly enough, she was always in the library reading as well. I couldn't run anywhere else. So we talked. A lot. And we went out on Sunday. I finally had a friend. I good friend. I opened my heart to her and she did the same. For the next two years she was my entire world. I didn't have any more friends just her. After a few months of "dating", we officially became a couple. She helped me immensely. I gave up acting, and started to be more like myself. Imagine Hanako in the Sisterhood fanfiction.

I went to university, so I couldn't see her as often. By then I got scared again. Mind you, I was 19 at the time. One of the girls from my class on the final year of highschool was in my class in university too! Somehow I was relived, a familiar face!! I just need to get closed to her, so I won't lose my grip on reality. And then I noticed that the other people from the course were there as well. They even formed a little group. A group of 4 girls. Once I noticed that that group wasn't breaking and slipped away as fast as I could. I would leave class early to avoid the groups of people and went to the deserted garden to eat my lunch alone, safe from everyone else. I called my girlfriend at those times to have a chat. She encouraged me to try and fit into that group. I couldn't. I was scared of being rejected, abandoned or even worse.
Later, I heard of them asking another "Where is Marly? I haven't been seeing him during breaks. I'm worried something happened to him"
And then I realized. I need not to act anymore. Nobody is going to bully me here. I'm an adult now. I need to be able to deal with people normally, it's okay if people don't accept me. The one person that I want to truly accept me already did. She can help if things get bad. She treats me like a person. Not like shit, or a broken vase.
I fitted into the group, and they became my friends.

I still act all the time, but not nearly as much as I did. I would say 40% of me now is an act. The rest is real. And I owe it all to that person who helped me get up to my feet. She helped my face my fears. She shaped me into the man I am now.

---

Well. I'm not broken anymore, but I still have the scar. And playing KS sure hit the scar so bad it cracked.
That's why it hurt. I saw myself in Hanako so much it hurt like shit.
I'm a happy person now... but I am fully aware of my biggest weakness.

[Broomhead]

*Claps*
Thanks for sharing Marluxia. I have had a very similar experience, although perhaps slightly lucky in that I was already terribly manipulative and could deal with some of the problems in a questionable but acceptable way. I still "act" although it's debatable now whether I do or not. I may post my story here eventually, but it's hard to put into words something like that. All I can say is that I empathize with you on the highest level.

[Forever_ambivalent]

I never really understood bullying properly. Not because I wasn't bullied but because I was bullied. But I managed to break out of it when I was 10 and I took it as a learning experience. It actually made me a better person
Although I do have a side effect of it. I hate my voice and I realised how close I came to becoming a mute. In fact I prefer writing to people rather than talking.
Looking at your experience marluxia I think I have managed to understand the horrors of bullying. I always thought bullying was never anything that severe and that extremely severe bullying only happens in movies and select few countries. I'm far too naive.
I guess I am one of the few lucky people who managed to take bullying as a learning experience.

Im glad to hear that you have managed to overcome your problems. Suicide really isn't a pleasant thought and accepting death at such a young age is really horrible to say the least.

[Potato]

I guess I am one of the few lucky people who managed to take bullying as a learning experience.

Not necessarily. Most take it as a learning experience. Just what's learned is often not exactly a happy-go-lucky lesson.

On the topic of suicide, it would appear that Robin Williams went out that way today. As a big comedy fan, I find this particularly saddening considering I never knew the guy. Relevant observation: People only ever seem to advertise the Suicide Prevention Hotline after a suicide. "As good a time as any"...Fuckin' A...

[azumeow]

On the topic of suicide, it would appear that Robin Williams went out that way today. As a big comedy fan, I find this particularly saddening considering I never knew the guy. Relevant observation: People only ever seem to advertise the Suicide Prevention Hotline after a suicide. "As good a time as any"...Fuckin' A...

It sucks...but most people don't want to acknowledge the existence of suicide at all until they're forced to. When I told people I was suicidal (on FB, admittedly not the best idea but I was desperate and in pain) my mom's friends actually told her that I shouldn't be saying those things online. That I should keep it to myself.

[Forever_ambivalent]

On the topic of suicide, it would appear that Robin Williams went out that way today. As a big comedy fan, I find this particularly saddening considering I never knew the guy. Relevant observation: People only ever seem to advertise the Suicide Prevention Hotline after a suicide. "As good a time as any"...Fuckin' A...

It sucks...but most people don't want to acknowledge the existence of suicide at all until they're forced to. When I told people I was suicidal (on FB, admittedly not the best idea but I was desperate and in pain) my mom's friends actually told her that I shouldn't be saying those things online. That I should keep it to myself.

You know she probably thought you were being silly and were joking. I would probably think that you were just being silly and that you were joking around if you post something along the lines of " I am suicidal" on FB. Also those kinds of jokes are really bad to make and are best to keep to oneself. So if she thought you were doing a tasteless joke I don't really blame your mothers friend for saying what she said.

Also if commiting suicide were to be so easy than I doubt the strange statistic of more females attempting suicide but more males committing suicide would exist. I know for a fact that a lot is done to save people who have actually tried to commit suicide.

[Potato]

On the topic of suicide, it would appear that Robin Williams went out that way today. As a big comedy fan, I find this particularly saddening considering I never knew the guy. Relevant observation: People only ever seem to advertise the Suicide Prevention Hotline after a suicide. "As good a time as any"...Fuckin' A...

It sucks...but most people don't want to acknowledge the existence of suicide at all until they're forced to. When I told people I was suicidal (on FB, admittedly not the best idea but I was desperate and in pain) my mom's friends actually told her that I shouldn't be saying those things online. That I should keep it to myself.

You know she probably thought you were being silly and were joking.

Based on what evidence? According to him, he was in pain. I highly doubt he used a joking tone when he put it out there.

Jokes aren't really bad to make. Jokes induce laughter. Laughter releases endorphins and creates happiness.

[azumeow]

You know she probably thought you were being silly and were joking.

Based on what evidence? According to him, he was in pain. I highly doubt he used a joking tone when he put it out there.

Jokes aren't really bad to make. Jokes induce laughter. Laughter releases endorphins and creates happiness.

Sorry, Potato's right. It was in the context of a post about me deciding not to lie to the people around me any more, after the deaths of my grandfather and friend. Basically, it was me saying, "I'm here, I'm kinda-queer (I also came out as bisexual), and I'm NOT okay."

[SpunkySix]

I guess I am one of the few lucky people who managed to take bullying as a learning experience.

Not necessarily. Most take it as a learning experience. Just what's learned is often not exactly a happy-go-lucky lesson.

This.

I learned that trusting people too much is a great way to get stepped on and even get physically hurt, that the world and most people suck, that idealism is for children, that 99% of the time the only one that will stick up for you is you because every one else is a wimp, (even though they'll pat you on the back after you do what they couldn't) that words can't solve everything, that bad things happen to good people no matter who they are and the other way around too, that the world would rather you be a quiet, passive-agressive asshole than do the right thing and rock the boat, that a lot of people don't want you to succeed because they're jealous, that having money pretty much lets you get away with whatever you want even if you're an idiot, that being cynical and being an honest realist are usually the same thing, and much, much more.

Yay bullying.

[azumeow]

idealism is for children

My good fried Emiya Shirou would disagree.

No, but seriously, idealism isn't BAD so long as you can understand the difference between ideal and real. Struggling to reach an ideal is fine: expecting it to happen is naive.

[Potato]

idealism is for children

My good fried Emiya Shirou would disagree.

No, but seriously, idealism isn't BAD so long as you can understand the difference between ideal and real. Struggling to reach an ideal is fine: expecting it to happen is naive.

A revision then: Optimism is for children.

An idealist struggles for the ideal. An optimist expects the ideal.

[azumeow]

idealism is for children

My good fried Emiya Shirou would disagree.

No, but seriously, idealism isn't BAD so long as you can understand the difference between ideal and real. Struggling to reach an ideal is fine: expecting it to happen is naive.

A revision then: Optimism is for children.

An idealist struggles for the ideal. An optimist expects the ideal.

I think this is good. Yeah, I like this revision. I like you, Potato.

Oh god here come the memories of my dumbass friend from when he was obsessed with potatoes...

[brythain]

idealism is for children

My good fried Emiya Shirou would disagree.

No, but seriously, idealism isn't BAD so long as you can understand the difference between ideal and real. Struggling to reach an ideal is fine: expecting it to happen is naive.

A revision then: Optimism is for children.

An idealist struggles for the ideal. An optimist expects the ideal.

I don't think that's entirely true. I'm an optimist—I hope for the best. I'm also a pragmatist—I prepare for the worst. Since my expectations are weighted in favour of the best but I am prepared cognitively to see that this is not always the likely outcome, I am generally a happy person without being baselessly so. Also, idealism has nothing to do with optimism; you can be an evil idealist; the word 'idea' has its roots in the sense of 'image' (see Greek 'eide' as in 'eidolon') and is actually the opposite of 'realist'. So idealist v realist (in theory), pragmatist v theorist, and optimist v pessimist. None of these are necessarily 'childish' in the derogatory sense.

[Broomhead]

To continue the trend of quoting: "Scratch any cynic and you'll find a disappointed idealist." -George Carlin

Bullying taught me things that are neither true nor false. Conditional facts that are equivalent to what spunky said. But Forever was saying he took the positive from the situation, he wasn't suggesting everyone was to be bullied.