Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Pyramid Head]

So i've been kind of stressed lately. Computer and internet troubles galore, and i'm still at the tender mercy of government agencies even though i am now a professionally trained cook. So, what better way to blow off steam than go through Katawa Shoujo for the first time in over a year?
Oh, why look at that! IT KEEPS CRASHING WHENEVER I TRY TO GO THROUGH THE FULL STORY INSTEAD OF JUST DIGGING UP EXCERPTS FROM THE LIBRARY MODE!

...i blame Google.

[Potato]

So i've been kind of stressed lately. Computer and internet troubles galore, and i'm still at the tender mercy of government agencies even though i am now a professionally trained cook. So, what better way to blow off steam than go through Katawa Shoujo for the first time in over a year?
Oh, why look at that! IT KEEPS CRASHING WHENEVER I TRY TO GO THROUGH THE FULL STORY INSTEAD OF JUST DIGGING UP EXCERPTS FROM THE LIBRARY MODE!

...i blame Google.

Delete, re-download and install it. Failing that, BURN THE NEAREST GOVERNMENT BUILDING TO THE GROUND!

Ahem...

[Comrade]

So i've been kind of stressed lately. Computer and internet troubles galore, and i'm still at the tender mercy of government agencies even though i am now a professionally trained cook. So, what better way to blow off steam than go through Katawa Shoujo for the first time in over a year?
Oh, why look at that! IT KEEPS CRASHING WHENEVER I TRY TO GO THROUGH THE FULL STORY INSTEAD OF JUST DIGGING UP EXCERPTS FROM THE LIBRARY MODE!

...i blame Google.

Delete, re-download and install it. Failing that, BURN THE NEAREST GOVERNMENT BUILDING TO THE GROUND!

Ahem...

Comrade approves

[bhtooefr]

Wait, I'd think you would want it to be the nearest corporate building, not the nearest government building...

[SpunkySix]

Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Burning buildings

Guys, stahp. Pls.

[Comrade]

Wait, I'd think you would want it to be the nearest corporate building, not the nearest government building...

Stay away from politics, layman

[azumeow]

I...just need to vent a little. Here goes.

PTSD. Chronic Depression. Possible (extremely likely, really) Fibromyalgia. Late nights where I do whatever I can to keep my thoughts in "safe" places. Not to mention the constant feelings of inadequacy, guilt over every imperfection, and loneliness while at the same time I'm desperately trying to keep everybody at arm's length.

I feel like Hisao, Emi and Hanako all rolled into one. I was hanging out with friends last night when, woops, have to sit down, breath slow, because it feels like my heart is getting stabbed. Friends start arguing? Well.....they deserve at least this much. Forced myself to fight off a flashback so I could try to bridge the gap in their understanding, and I doubt it even made a real difference.

I'm tired. So. Fucking. Tired. Tired of going to work only to have the students ask me why I'm limping, or why I'm grabbing at my chest like-

Ha. Yep. Of course. OF COURSE IT FUCKING HAPPENS AS I'M TYPING THIS OUT!!!! Whew. Sorry. Grabbing at my chest like I'm having a god-damned heart attack. Usually they're good about leaving it alone. Most people are. When I get the thousand-yard stare or whatever.

Most people. I tend to lose focus in conversations when my mind wanders. Part of the coping mechanisms, but it makes long conversations that I'm not enthralled about difficult. Now imagine how hard it is to maintain a decent relationship. I'm an insensitive ass, because I spend all of my time thinking about my own -numerous- issues.

My medication makes it impossible to maintain a decent sex drive or to even have half-decent sex when my libido actually shows up. I can barely feel a god damned thing and I have yet to reach the "end" any time I have intercourse. But I can handle myself perfectly. Manual and oral stimulation has worked, but even then the successes I can count on less than a hand. I had one insipid ex mention this to a bunch of people in our school. Luckily I'd already graduated, but boy was that one great to hear about!

I hate my life sometimes, guys. But whatever. I'm okay, which is the weirdest part. This is, honestly, almost nothing compared to what I used to feel.

And therein lies the problem. When progress is such a shithole, it just feels like there's so little hope. At least I can't give up.

Sorry that this is so disjointed. I do that a lot. Like I said, my mind wanders a lot. So....yeah. That's azumeow....

[Gamera Ramen]

I hate my life sometimes, guys. But whatever. I'm okay, which is the weirdest part. This is, honestly, almost nothing compared to what I used to feel.

And therein lies the problem. When progress is such a shithole, it just feels like there's so little hope. At least I can't give up.

Sorry that this is so disjointed. I do that a lot. Like I said, my mind wanders a lot. So....yeah. That's azumeow....

I hope writing this out helped you, disjointed or not. Whatever's keeping you going, whether or not it's hope...I like it. It's really great that despite all the shit life's thrown at you, you know that you can't give up. Even if that attitude falters at times, the fact that you're still here definitely says something about your strength.
I'm ending this post with few choice words by Allie Brosh.

[SpunkySix]

I hate my life sometimes, guys. But whatever. I'm okay, which is the weirdest part. This is, honestly, almost nothing compared to what I used to feel.

And therein lies the problem. When progress is such a shithole, it just feels like there's so little hope. At least I can't give up.

Sorry that this is so disjointed. I do that a lot. Like I said, my mind wanders a lot. So....yeah. That's azumeow....

I hope writing this out helped you, disjointed or not. Whatever's keeping you going, whether or not it's hope...I like it. It's really great that despite all the shit life's thrown at you, you know that you can't give up. Even if that attitude falters at times, the fact that you're still here definitely says something about your strength.
I'm ending this post with few choice words by Allie Brosh.

I think Allie Brosh is my spirit animal.

Sorry to hear about all that azumeow. I know the feelings, if not quite in the same way. Still though, as was pointed out... the good thing is that not everything sucks. I hate hearing that everything will work out just fine, because that's a goddamn lie and we both know it, but I have a feeling that enough will work out to make keeping going worth it, and maybe that's all we can really hope for at this point.

[Potato]

I had one insipid ex mention this to a bunch of people in our school.

Woooow, what a cunt.

Gamera's right. Some things aren't hopeless bullshit. Focus on those things.

[azumeow]

Thanks folks. And yeah, not everything is hopeless bullshit, which is good. I wanna see my college friends again. Venting was nice.

Finally had a major attack at work. Ah, the look people get. I hate it. I hate being looked at like I'm broken-mainly because it reminds me that I am, as a matter of fact, pretty damn broken. Physically if not emotionally. Like, this one was the worst yet, and it's still going on after about four and a half hours or so. I fell at one point and just spent a good few minutes trying to get to my painkillers. It's frustrating being powerless like that. I had to choose between laying on the ground, or making the pain even worse by trying to force myself through it to get up. I can say with at least some pride that I managed to get up.

And yes, Potato, she was definitely no angel.

[metalangel]

PTSD. Chronic Depression. Possible (extremely likely, really) Fibromyalgia. Late nights where I do whatever I can to keep my thoughts in "safe" places. Not to mention the constant feelings of inadequacy, guilt over every imperfection, and loneliness while at the same time I'm desperately trying to keep everybody at arm's length.

You have my complete sympathy. I have a friend who has all of those... along with BPD.

[LilyKitsune]

Im starting an antidepressant soon. Im a little excited, but mostly terrified. I really do hate this voice that constantly convinces me how repulsive I am, and how nobody will ever want me and ill die alone never knowing the feeling of even a real hug. I'm kinda tall, and unattractive, but the big problem is that I am trans. All of these combined have been the source of endless rejection for a person who was already unwanted. I'm afraid the pills won't turn that voice down, or it will turn the wrong voice down, the one that makes me afraid to end it all. I worry that maybe theyll do nothing, but going off them will be worse. it just hurts so much to be alone for something I cant do anything about. Something I cant control. Something that will never change. And I cant take it.

[SpunkySix]

Im starting an antidepressant soon. Im a little excited, but mostly terrified. I really do hate this voice that constantly convinces me how repulsive I am, and how nobody will ever want me and ill die alone never knowing the feeling of even a real hug. I'm kinda tall, and unattractive, but the big problem is that I am trans. All of these combined have been the source of endless rejection for a person who was already unwanted. I'm afraid the pills won't turn that voice down, or it will turn the wrong voice down, the one that makes me afraid to end it all. I worry that maybe theyll do nothing, but going off them will be worse. it just hurts so much to be alone for something I cant do anything about. Something I cant control. Something that will never change. And I cant take it.

I take a sort of antidepressant, and I can say that personally, it doesn't fix everything, but it does help. The chances of it going wrong are super small and they basically only say that it's possible for legal reasons. If you don't mind saying, what kind are you using?

[azumeow]

Im starting an antidepressant soon. Im a little excited, but mostly terrified. I really do hate this voice that constantly convinces me how repulsive I am, and how nobody will ever want me and ill die alone never knowing the feeling of even a real hug. I'm kinda tall, and unattractive, but the big problem is that I am trans. All of these combined have been the source of endless rejection for a person who was already unwanted. I'm afraid the pills won't turn that voice down, or it will turn the wrong voice down, the one that makes me afraid to end it all. I worry that maybe theyll do nothing, but going off them will be worse. it just hurts so much to be alone for something I cant do anything about. Something I cant control. Something that will never change. And I cant take it.

I know these words will come off as hollow from behind a computer. But I feel the need to say them nonetheless: you are not unwanted. You may feel this way. The people around you may treat you this way, but you are not. I felt this way about myself for a long time. I never identified as trans, but I suffered from gender identity issues for a while. I considered severe self-mutilation to "fix" the "problem." I was able to reconcile my gender identity without being transgender, but I know many people do not have the luxury of doing so. I have had transgender friends, and their words ring true and they echo what you are saying. I had one try to kill herself because she was so depressed.

As for the antidepressants, I understand how you're feeling. I lost a few friends from dropping that bomb. Wasn't pretty, wasn't fun. But in the end, it was well worth it. The anti-depressants that I take are the only reason I can even get up in the morning at this point, and even that's not always a thing that happens. If they don't help within 6-8 weeks (it's a long time, but that's how long it can end up taking) don't get discouraged. It can take a long time to even find one that works for you, and that's only if you're super unlucky. I got lucky and my first prescription did wonders.

As for the suicidal thoughts, I know a few words and a comforting little essay won't stop that. But you should be aware that there are crisis hotlines available 24/7 if you need them, both by phone and by computer. I was chatting with a "hope coach" from 4-5 AM after I had a fight with my ex and I started feeling suicidal. It helped a LOT. And if you can open up to them, they're very helpful. They don't judge (at least they never have for me) and they try to offer advice, but at the same time are also willing to just let you vent. Just remember: suicide just means that the last thoughts you have will be terrible. Not doing it at least gives you a shot at life getting better. It takes hard, hard work to crawl back to the surface after you've fallen far enough, believe me. It's been five years and I'm still only a few feet from the point of no return. But I'm climbing. Sometimes you just have to put on foot in front of the other, even if it hurts and you can't see relief. I've had to do that literally and figuratively, and each time it only helped. Yes, it was painful, but the relief I got when I reached my destination was beyond worth it.