Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Slayermaster]

Slayermaster, thank you for your story.

Please focus on your own safety and health first. Everything else can wait. I don't think it's my place to give you much advice. Depression is also a physical illness, your brain is hurt out from past stress, sadness, etc. It's a bit like how someone's back can get hurt from bending over too many times or lifting too many heavy objects.

So I think you need professional help to fight your depression. It will take a long time, but I hope you will recover in the end.

Having someone validate me really does help, thanks for reading.

Hopefully thing will start to look up soon.

[Beoran]

Dagget, it can very well be that due to the place where you live or other factors you, haven't had the chance to meet someone who can appreciate you. But then again, friendship is a two way street. Just like you are free to appreciate or not appreciate others, others are equally free to do appreciate you or not. You can't change the other's actons easily, we can o,ly change our own actions ,try to improve them, and hope that we will meet someone who will notice.

As for showing your self... you don't need to open up to everyone. It's enough to do so to people who you feel are close and reliable. But even then you can always get hurt. The thing is, in life, we cannot avoid pain. What we can end up avoiding is happiness. It's too bad, too many people choose the certainty of a small pain over a chance at happiness. I think to be happy we should be willing to take a chance, to take a risk, and if it fails, brush off the dust and try again.

slayermaster, I guess all i can say to you is "You're welcome".

[Daggett]

Dagget, it can very well be that due to the place where you live or other factors you, haven't had the chance to meet someone who can appreciate you. But then again, friendship is a two way street. Just like you are free to appreciate or not appreciate others, others are equally free to do appreciate you or not. You can't change the other's actons easily, we can o,ly change our own actions ,try to improve them, and hope that we will meet someone who will notice.

As for showing your self... you don't need to open up to everyone. It's enough to do so to people who you feel are close and reliable. But even then you can always get hurt. The thing is, in life, we cannot avoid pain. What we can end up avoiding is happiness. It's too bad, too many people choose the certainty of a small pain over a chance at happiness. I think to be happy we should be willing to take a chance, to take a risk, and if it fails, brush off the dust and try again.

slayermaster, I guess all i can say to you is "You're welcome".

True. But, I don't try to change them or myself for them. Thanks for your words. I will try to remember that it might not be all my fault.

I don't try to open up to everyone, but I mean, saying that I am hungry or tried at the end of the day is enough to get hassled for weeks.

I will also try to remember that as well. Maybe my 20th year of trying will be the one.

[Daitengu]

Daggett,

From your posts, you sound like you interact with others to get a sense of self worth. Your being over bearing/white knight in a relationship, envious, jealous, and depressed when people drift away, are all associated with your low self esteem.

It makes you come off as clingy and needy, or overbearing and they won't see you as an equal. People pick up on it and tend to not want to be around you for it.

It would be easy of me to say, increase your self esteem. But that doesn't help a damn bit, does it? I know I loathed people that tell me to fix it with no idea on how or pander me.

The way to build self confidence is:

1. Understand that 90% of all attempts fail.
2. Work on getting over your fear of failure, because it is in our nature to fail alot. The trick I've found is to just blank the mind and do. When I think and think and think about failing, I paralyze myself or become shy and nervous causing failure. It takes alot of time to get over. I'm still working on it myself, but I feel better when I don't think about failing, which presents those around me with a more confident me.
3. Force a good habit upon yourself. Do it every day. Personally I try to study ASL everyday. I don't make it some days, because I'm bad at studying in general(never had to before in my life and I'm 30) and I have a complex about being perfect instantly with no practice, but I try to do it everyday anyway. And yes I studied a bit today.
4. Learn a skill that makes you useful to others. I know how to build/troubleshoot computers and houses. I have people that rely on me for it. It feels good.
5. read up on philosophy, sociology, etc. Things that could could expand your mind and allow you to see why you think the way you think, and why something is good or bad. Sometimes you come to find that a socially accepted norm, is really bad. The concept of having to be a "manly man" and do man things and never show emotion for instance is actually a really bad social paradigm that makes men ill equip to deal with things properly, resulting in more violence than needed.
6.When you can determine why you feel bad yourself it opens up the possibility for you to see what you can do about it. Which will make you'll feel better.
7. After having thought about what to do, and how to do it properly, just DO it. see #2

When it comes to people, remember:

1. You are the only person that you can protect all the time.
2. You are the only one you can change.
3. You can't force, only offer anything to others if you wish them to come back to you. be it help, feelings, companionship.
4. People always come and go though life. Sometimes you'll have a friend for a week. Sometimes you'll get a girlfriend for a few years. Sometimes you have a friend for a night and they rob you blind while you're passed out drunk. Sometimes you get a true friend who talks to you after not contacting him for 10 years, rekindling an old friendship.
5. There will always be times you are alone. Use that time to improve yourself.
6. Treating people like you want to be treated only works sometimes. Mainly because lots of people just want stooges and yes men for friends, instead of someone who can tell them the truth. I personally am a terrible liar, so all I got is the truth. But I tend to have better people for friends even though I can count them on one finger compared to others I have observed.
7. Money, fame, and power only gets you bad friends(the type that bleed you for things), yes men, and stooges.
8. Understanding gets you buddies, friends, and true friends. The more understanding, the better the friend.

[Daggett]

Daggett,

From your posts, you sound like you interact with others to get a sense of self worth. Your being over bearing/white knight in a relationship, envious, jealous, and depressed when people drift away, are all associated with your low self esteem.

It makes you come off as clingy and needy, or overbearing and they won't see you as an equal. People pick up on it and tend to not want to be around you for it.

It would be easy of me to say, increase your self esteem. But that doesn't help a damn bit, does it? I know I loathed people that tell me to fix it with no idea on how or pander me.

The way to build self confidence is:

1. Understand that 90% of all attempts fail.
2. Work on getting over your fear of failure, because it is in our nature to fail alot. The trick I've found is to just blank the mind and do. When I think and think and think about failing, I paralyze myself or become shy and nervous causing failure. It takes alot of time to get over. I'm still working on it myself, but I feel better when I don't think about failing, which presents those around me with a more confident me.
3. Force a good habit upon yourself. Do it every day. Personally I try to study ASL everyday. I don't make it some days, because I'm bad at studying in general(never had to before in my life and I'm 30) and I have a complex about being perfect instantly with no practice, but I try to do it everyday anyway. And yes I studied a bit today.
4. Learn a skill that makes you useful to others. I know how to build/troubleshoot computers and houses. I have people that rely on me for it. It feels good.
5. read up on philosophy, sociology, etc. Things that could could expand your mind and allow you to see why you think the way you think, and why something is good or bad. Sometimes you come to find that a socially accepted norm, is really bad. The concept of having to be a "manly man" and do man things and never show emotion for instance is actually a really bad social paradigm that makes men ill equip to deal with things properly, resulting in more violence than needed.
6.When you can determine why you feel bad yourself it opens up the possibility for you to see what you can do about it. Which will make you'll feel better.
7. After having thought about what to do, and how to do it properly, just DO it. see #2

When it comes to people, remember:

1. You are the only person that you can protect all the time.
2. You are the only one you can change.
3. You can't force, only offer anything to others if you wish them to come back to you. be it help, feelings, companionship.
4. People always come and go though life. Sometimes you'll have a friend for a week. Sometimes you'll get a girlfriend for a few years. Sometimes you have a friend for a night and they rob you blind while you're passed out drunk. Sometimes you get a true friend who talks to you after not contacting him for 10 years, rekindling an old friendship.
5. There will always be times you are alone. Use that time to improve yourself.
6. Treating people like you want to be treated only works sometimes. Mainly because lots of people just want stooges and yes men for friends, instead of someone who can tell them the truth. I personally am a terrible liar, so all I got is the truth. But I tend to have better people for friends even though I can count them on one finger compared to others I have observed.
7. Money, fame, and power only gets you bad friends(the type that bleed you for things), yes men, and stooges.
8. Understanding gets you buddies, friends, and true friends. The more understanding, the better the friend.

Can you give me an example of a me being a white knight? I thought I was just being reliable.

It doesn't, but I know it's true. And thanks for the tips. At least you aren't just telling me to do it, you are showing me some way that might help.

I have that complex too. Were you punished for failure? I'm trying to find out why we are like this. What is ASL?

Does sewing count? I am against gender roles and what most people see as "normal". But that usually comes back to bite me.

I have been offering those things for 12 plus years, but they are always unrequited. I hope so. I could go for even the week long friendship.

That's why I stopped calling "Mike". I'm very truthful too, but I can count my friends on a clenched fist. It's not even like I'm mean with my honesty, I'm just speaking my mind. But that usually comes back to bite me too. Maybe I should just move to a new area. I have no friends and no job.

[Camoufrage]

It seems a lot of this forum in general is about helping people with their problems. Not that it's a bad thing, I find it kind of interesting.


I suffer from severe depression on and off, and I've tried to kill myself more then once. I always felt like nobody cared and everyone were fake pieces of crap (and most of them were).

To tell you the truth I was one of the popular people. I hung around a ton of different people and got to know a lot about them. I remember there were the kind of people who sat back and played Yu-Gi-Oh and such in school, and to tell you the truth I DID kind of think low of them. But now when I think back I hate they way I was so much. I was certainly a douchebag through and through.

But being the cool popular kid isnt fun in the end. At least for me, because at heart I was like the people that didnt want to associate themselves with anyone, but I couldnt put myself up to it for some reason. I think over time people noticed. Then one day, boom. Everyone stops talking to me, no one wants to even associate themselves with me in a good way. I would go 3 weeks without receiving a single text message or call from anyone but my mom. I used to think it was because something happened and I did something wrong. I drank myself nearly to death every day after school.

At least 2 suicide attempts and lost contact with my dad because I just stopped talking to him, and my mom decided she was just going to go out and put out to nearly every guy she met. Driving home drunk all the time. I really didnt want to live anymore, I never saw a point. I never had a romantic relationship, and we all know that having someone by your side is neccesary for a healthy life in high school. But I didnt have anyone by my side. Only fake people who pretended to be my friend for the sake of whatever their reasons.

I think its almost harder to have a TON of fake people as friends then having only a few real good friends (Ive experienced both sides) because the thought that no one TRULY cared kinda gets to you after all. And when your friends are fake they really dont care which makes it even harder. It wasnt until after high school I realized how stupid I was for putting myself in that situation for 4 years.

Now Im really distant and try my best not to befriend people too much, along with being critically depressed and somewhat suicidal. I have a problem expressing my feelings. I always seem happy to people no matter how hard I try to just have a bad day to get through things. It sounds attention-whory but its nice to know sometimes when people realize that you are not in a good mood, but it never happens for me.

Have you ever had those ideas that seem amazing late at night but then the next morning you realize how fruitless and impossible it really is? I do nearly every night before I go to bed and it hurts to wake up and face cruel reality. Ive been out of school now for nearly a year and I still have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life, career or otherwise. I hate it, and sometimes I still do think about hurting myself (though I never do it).


Its very surprising how good it feels to write these things out with a keyboard, much easier then writing it on paper or saying it in person for me...

[Tenshi Kuroiuta]

Haha... my story huh? Oh man, I have no clue where to begin... I suppose from the absolute beginning eh?

Since preschool and all throughout elementary school, I was teased, bullied, and harassed by almost everyone around me. It even got to the point where I was surrounded around a storm drain and heckled until I was curled up in a ball and crying. I'm fairly sure it was because I'm Asian, which is a minority in this area. I really don't blame them as they started maturing in middle school, but I was always very lonely as such. I really and truly haven't had many friends throughout my life, not then, and certainly not now. I was definitely a child raised and nurtured by the internet as my parents and I were never close. However, I think I matured a bit quicker than everybody else as a result of all of this. Throughout that entire time, I can only think of five real friends that I've had, but the majority of them either moved away, or ended up turning their backs to me and teasing me. I couldn't even rely on my parents as, even to this day, I think my mom is insane. She wanted to kill both herself and me by driving into the river. I'm convinced the only reason I'm alive to this day is that I remembered her talking about it beforehand, and I didn't get into the car with her. My dad gives me no support since he's just her yes-man, so I generally lock myself away in my room at home.

As an escape, I always turned to writing, daydreaming, and reading. I also played that tile game of hers wherever I went, and I still play it even to this day. I also switched to video games, although I wouldn't say I was anywhere near an avid player of games either then or now. I kinda shut myself away during the day, not showing a whole lot of emotion, and generally keeping to myself. Heck, I even hated physical contact with others at that point.

I suppose I'll fast forward then to a big turning point in my life as I was in the middle of Middle School, my now ex-girlfriend. It started off as a long distance relationship, but we eventually got to meet. I started to become happier and a little more social. She was kind, a very reserved, and very soft spoken. I think I really did love her, but I think I was overbearing, and that I coddled her an incredible amount. I suppose I never thought of her as my equal. This probably ended about as well as you think, but with two distinct points that made it hurt more.

-She dumped me on Valentine's Day.
-I found out she was cheating on me on that same day.

After that, I kinda shirked away from love and people for an absolutely long time, and backpedaled in a lot of social areas. I regressed to my former state of hiding away from others, and started hating physical contact again. Eventually I recovered, but Valentine's Day continues to be an time of stress for me. I can see everyone around me using as a time to celebrate love, but I only know it as a time to mourn it. Sometime after this, I attempted suicide, but I failed miserably. Only a very few select people even know about it.

I'll fast forward again to the next big turning point in my life, a girl who I'll only call "M." When I first met M, I truly thought I had met someone who I loved with all of my heart. She was kind, she was sweet, and she was someone who I admired a great deal. She was supportive of others and showed a great deal of concern. However, she was taken. I thought to myself that if I could see her happy, that would truly be enough for me. We even became best friends after a while. Time went on, she started having relationship problems, so I tried helping them out on both sides. I was friends with her now ex-boyfriend, and I tried counseling them both and tried keeping them together. Alas, they eventually split up. As I was very good friends with M, and it came to be known later that I liked her, I eventually did ask her out, but she said she wasn't ready yet, and asked me to wait for her. I promised to wait for her, and she promised to never leave me. I truly, TRULY felt that we were equals.

And so I waited, waited for a long time. We were good friends as I said before, and we spoke to each other on a daily basis, got on Skype after school and chatted away for hours. However, eventually she started slipping away, talking to me less and less. At first it said that she was going through a wave of depression, and I thought that was fine. However, it just ended up being one thinly veiled and poorly made excuse over another. I was in love, and love made me blind, so I took each at face value. However, we got further and further, and then I started to get a clue. She was always running around talking with others, playing minecraft or some other game, and cared little about me. She broke her promise to me, and I started feeling resentful since she would always lie to me. I eventually called her out on this, and she just dismissed me and started ignoring me completely, but not before telling me to stop waiting for her.

I'll pause with M, as I'll come back to her later. For now, I'd like to direct it back to the "me" in this current time. Despite my reclusive nature, I've always been rather emotional. On top of that and my loneliness, I've always had an amazing amount of stress from both my school and parents. I had and still have a horribly low self-esteem, as I don't think I'm good for anything. I frequently had mental breakdowns, but I always relied on M for support. However, that support died out and was replaced with cruelty as she would just criticize me for everything I've done. As an example, I fell down a flight of stairs at my house, and I dislocated my shoulder. I didn't have my cell phone on me, and I was home alone, so I decided to reduce it myself. Apparently the correct thing to do according to her was to "get someone" or "call someone."

Now, there was a vast period of time where M and I had separated, and I was very shattered indeed. However, salvation temporarily came with someone that I'll call A. I had met A on an internet forum, and she was very sweet and kind, but in a different way from M. We eventually began Skyping and talking, and found out we shared an AMAZING amount of likes and similarities, and I thought I had found love again. I thought she was absolutely amazing, a lot above me, so I thought I had no chance. This time however, it was her that asked me out, and I agreed.

Two days later, she stopped talking to me and we never responded to any of my messages ever again. I don't know what happened, but we never spoke ever again. I know I should have probably took this as some kind of blow, but I somehow felt very apathetic about it, and still do now.

Enter M once more, sending me a long e-mail on how she was sorry, I was an amazing person, and she ruined everything between us. I, like an idiot, accepted her apology. We tried speaking again, but we were never as close as we were before, or even close at all for that matter. Earlier, she made the claim that she wanted me to stop waiting because she isn't able to love anyone, so I thought I'd just go back to how I was before. Then she said she finally found someone that she thought she could rely on, someone she could be with.

My resentment started growing at this point, but I kept it hidden. She then began acting pompous and arrogant, criticizing me again for everything I did. She would even deny the fact that I'm unstable mentally. As stated before, I had many mental breakdowns, and I even went through huge depression spikes where I thought I was better off dead, and I still continue to have those depression spikes to this day (Don't worry about those thoughts, I made a promise to someone dear to me that I would never attempt suicide [again].) During the last days of my dying friendship with her, I told her about how things ended between my ex and I, and she laughed to my face. Eventually, I snapped, calling her out on everything she ever did to hurt me and others, and I haven't exchanged a single word with her since that day.

I suppose my history with love ends there, as I'm convinced I'm Aromantic Asexual now. I'm afraid of girls and how cruel they can be, the thought of getting close to people both physically and emotionally frightens me, and I become a complete nervous wreck whenever someone asks me out or Valentine's Day comes along again.

Yet, I still have the desire to be close to someone, have someone I can truly rely on and be with. Someone who can comfort me on my worst day, and who loves me. Someone who can hold me close and share my pain as I share theirs. I want to have a family that I can love and call my own. I think, deep down, I still truly want a girl to be with, and someday marry.

I suppose I should go into my social life then if I've come this far.

I never had many friends as stated before, and I don't think I've had a true "best friend," although I might now. I wouldn't know if he considers me as his best friend, but I guess time will tell.

I've tried fitting in with many types of people, but I think I truly have bad luck with meeting people, if nothing else. I could list off my last group of "friends" right now.

- A 11 year old in a 25 year old man's body, completely inept at the fine art of not offending others.
- The absolute hugest superiority complex ever observed by man, complimented by self-serving and narcissistic behavior.
- The oddest God complex ever observed by man, complimented by self-selfserving behavior, insensitivity, and obsession with his girlfriend.
- M
- A selfish egotist who brags about her possessions and talks about her own problems only, not lifting a finger to comfort others.
- A person I thought of as an older sibling to me, but has treated me with only insensitivity and cruelty.

I've known some these people for a year, some of them, not even. I always listened to their problems and comforted them. I always worked to be their big brother figure, and I stayed as such for almost a year now. However, nobody raised a finger to help me in my times of crisis, and all of them have somehow hurt me several times.

Over and over, I've been told to lower my expectations of people, that 90% of the world and people are crap, but I can't believe that. I can't and I won't believe that. I resent that mentality with all of my being. My core belief is that people are good at heart, and I have never truly hated anyone in my entire life. Yes, I harbor a great deal of resentment for M and the egotist, but I don't hate them. I acknowledge many of the people I have listed as good at heart, but there's nothing I can do to help them. I confronted each and every one of them about their problems, but nothing has come of it.

I'm alone, I hate being alone, I'm scared of being alone, yet I'm afraid to get close to others.

With all of the above said, one thought has rung out in my mind above all others.

Is it me?

Am I the one who's in the wrong here? Am I the reason and cause for all of these problems? Am I somehow just absolutely unsociable? Why can't I get along with anyone in my life? I can count my friends on my fingers. What's wrong with me? Why am I so lonely? Why? I've tried my hardest to be there for others, and it's only repaid with cruelty, heartbreak, and pain. Are my standards for people too high? Am I arrogant? Am I pompous? Am I too sensitive? I don't know. I truly don't know. I'm so damned depressed and I have to go through it all alone. I think I truly want to die, and that the world would be better off without me, but I can't do it because of a promise I made. I've fallen so low that I can't even get interested in reading, in writing, in games, in school, nothing.

Phew... that was somewhat therapeutic for me I think. If you're still with me, I would appreciate some words of advice or wisdom, but really, it helped me a lot that I know people have at least seen this post, if not read through it.

Thank you very much for your time.

[Mirrormn]

snip

I can't really offer words of wisdom or advice, because my social situation is even worse than your own, resulting in very similar outlook on friendship and relationships*. Just wanted to say thanks for your story, and that I (and probably many others around here) understand how you feel.

*Perhaps sometime I will post my own "life story". I haven't really felt up to it in the 2 months I've been visiting this forum, but you never know.

[Daitengu]

Can you give me an example of a me being a white knight? I thought I was just being reliable.

It doesn't, but I know it's true. And thanks for the tips. At least you aren't just telling me to do it, you are showing me some way that might help.

I have that complex too. Were you punished for failure? I'm trying to find out why we are like this. What is ASL?

Does sewing count? I am against gender roles and what most people see as "normal". But that usually comes back to bite me.

I have been offering those things for 12 plus years, but they are always unrequited. I hope so. I could go for even the week long friendship.

That's why I stopped calling "Mike". I'm very truthful too, but I can count my friends on a clenched fist. It's not even like I'm mean with my honesty, I'm just speaking my mind. But that usually comes back to bite me too. Maybe I should just move to a new area. I have no friends and no job.

You said you wanted to protect. That is being a white knight. Catering to another preventing personal growth of that person. Acting like you are the strong one always while the other one is always the weak one. It's a rather popular chauvinistic motif through history. Many people turn to it to find self worth through protecting others. The real trick of self worth is not what others think of you when you do things for them, but what you think of yourself for what you do when others aren't around. When you can feel good about doing things and getting no credit for it, you have achieved some self worth.

Being the "asian kid" even though I'm mix, kinda forced expectation on me by peers and teachers. As for my parents, I was always told I was smart, and great at what I do, so I had to 'be perfect' or atleast better than those around me. I also had quite the phobia of people especially adults as a kid, so I was always afraid of my teachers. It's in my 'story' on page 3 if you're curious. I'd say my fear caused self induced punishment. Sure I was always top of the class, but I was definitely a nervous wreck. ASL = American Sign Language(it's difficult to self study).

Sure why not. Sewing is fun too. I always thought it was a shame that I'm a guy, because I want to make cute outfits and cosplays lol. Instead I tended towards utilitarian, and defensive clothes and gloves for self use. I don't raelly have any female friends or relatives that are interested modeling or being measured <.< so maybe if I have a daughter some day lol. leather gloves are pretty interesting to make.

I've found that the trick to friends is finding the proper pacing. Most people tend to just like having someone around sometimes. Pushing their comfort zone tends to weird people out. It helps to find people with similar interests as yours versus catering to their interest. You'll come of as disingenuous when you do what they want all the time, or agree with them all the time. For friends that will stick around, you need to be you instead of a character you think they want. I'm typically philosophically, politically, and religiously different than most, including my friends, but we tend to be layed back enough to work around it. Sometimes it doesn't work, but that's usually when I am apposed to a decision they make. If the friendship survives that, I got afriend, or a true friend. If not, they were just a buddy, or a someone looking for a yes man. One thing I've learned though is to forgive a friend that is being selfish with their time. I mean, they have their own lives and desires to fulfill and most of the time that doesn't include me. Sometimes I'll go a couple years without talking to my friend Jesse. He just gets caught up in family, work, etc. Then he'll pop up out of the blue and we just go on like nothing changed for a few months, then he wanders off again lol.

In the mean time I do what I gotta so that I can work toward my own happiness. No one can achieve it for me, I have to want it and do it even if it costs. It'd be great to have someone along for the ride, but it's not a requirement. But I'm 30. I've had time to work through things. I just wish I had worked through them sooner because I have alot of work ahead of me lol.

[Beoran]

Camoufrage, thank you for your story. As I say for many other people, please take care of your own safety and health first. I think you will need professional help. One thing I think is important is not to worry and think too much at night before going to sleep. Good sleep is very important. The morning is better for making plans than the night. I hope that eventually our life will get better.

Tenshi Kuroiuta, I also thank you for your story. It may be true that sometimes you may have treated other people badly, but that was because you were in pain at the time. I think it's the same for many people. Everybody has their own problems to deal with, and I think many people "deal " by just ignoring them, and taking it out on others. So, I don't think most people are bad, but I also don't think most people are good either. They're just people, focused on their own lives.

I don't believe you are aromantic, because you do seek out love. You just sound like your heart was broken several times, and now you're afraid of getting hurt again. It's normal to feel like that, but please dont give up. As it's said in Legend Of Mana (PS game) "You have to forgive love". It is one of the best feelings there is, but it's not perfect and not all-powerful. In life you gotta take risks in order to have a chance at reaping rewards. You love, and loose that love, but it's OK. Like in the song "Days" of the Kinks: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbRbN3INuf8

As for asexual, that may be due to mental problems. You really should look into getting help for that. Most ladies will expect you to have some sex with them at least once in a while, if you are unable to do so, they may not be satisfied.

[Daggett]

You said you wanted to protect. That is being a white knight. Catering to another preventing personal growth of that person. Acting like you are the strong one always while the other one is always the weak one. It's a rather popular chauvinistic motif through history. Many people turn to it to find self worth through protecting others. The real trick of self worth is not what others think of you when you do things for them, but what you think of yourself for what you do when others aren't around. When you can feel good about doing things and getting no credit for it, you have achieved some self worth.

Being the "asian kid" even though I'm mix, kinda forced expectation on me by peers and teachers. As for my parents, I was always told I was smart, and great at what I do, so I had to 'be perfect' or atleast better than those around me. I also had quite the phobia of people especially adults as a kid, so I was always afraid of my teachers. It's in my 'story' on page 3 if you're curious. I'd say my fear caused self induced punishment. Sure I was always top of the class, but I was definitely a nervous wreck. ASL = American Sign Language(it's difficult to self study).

Sure why not. Sewing is fun too. I always thought it was a shame that I'm a guy, because I want to make cute outfits and cosplays lol. Instead I tended towards utilitarian, and defensive clothes and gloves for self use. I don't raelly have any female friends or relatives that are interested modeling or being measured <.< so maybe if I have a daughter some day lol. leather gloves are pretty interesting to make.

I've found that the trick to friends is finding the proper pacing. Most people tend to just like having someone around sometimes. Pushing their comfort zone tends to weird people out. It helps to find people with similar interests as yours versus catering to their interest. You'll come of as disingenuous when you do what they want all the time, or agree with them all the time. For friends that will stick around, you need to be you instead of a character you think they want. I'm typically philosophically, politically, and religiously different than most, including my friends, but we tend to be layed back enough to work around it. Sometimes it doesn't work, but that's usually when I am apposed to a decision they make. If the friendship survives that, I got afriend, or a true friend. If not, they were just a buddy, or a someone looking for a yes man. One thing I've learned though is to forgive a friend that is being selfish with their time. I mean, they have their own lives and desires to fulfill and most of the time that doesn't include me. Sometimes I'll go a couple years without talking to my friend Jesse. He just gets caught up in family, work, etc. Then he'll pop up out of the blue and we just go on like nothing changed for a few months, then he wanders off again lol.

In the mean time I do what I gotta so that I can work toward my own happiness. No one can achieve it for me, I have to want it and do it even if it costs. It'd be great to have someone along for the ride, but it's not a requirement. But I'm 30. I've had time to work through things. I just wish I had worked through them sooner because I have alot of work ahead of me lol.

I see know. So I am being protective because I feel like I have to? I always thought that if someone would protect and help me it would make me feel more important. Like I was worth their time and effort. Maybe I am just reflecting my wants?

I'll have to read your story. Sorry to hear about that. There always seem to be such pressure on children. That sounds familiar, being a nervous wreck child. Did you play Shizune first? haha I had a fate arranged for me too. "7th SFG. That's were you'll live and that's where you'll die."

Do it anyway. Make them double take. Nice. Aren't gloves hard to make? I hope you have a daughter or find some females, or shapely males, to model for you. What you ever thought of doing commissions?

You sound like me in that way too. I can understand other's lives and them having to live them, but maybe I don't live by my thoughts. lol

I hope you don't have as much work as you think ahead of you. Maybe your starting line was far from the beginning, but at least you have life experience to help you figure things out faster?

[Daitengu]

I see know. So I am being protective because I feel like I have to? I always thought that if someone would protect and help me it would make me feel more important. Like I was worth their time and effort. Maybe I am just reflecting my wants?

I'll have to read your story. Sorry to hear about that. There always seem to be such pressure on children. That sounds familiar, being a nervous wreck child. Did you play Shizune first? haha I had a fate arranged for me too. "7th SFG. That's were you'll live and that's where you'll die."

Do it anyway. Make them double take. Nice. Aren't gloves hard to make? I hope you have a daughter or find some females, or shapely males, to model for you. What you ever thought of doing commissions?

You sound like me in that way too. I can understand other's lives and them having to live them, but maybe I don't live by my thoughts. lol

I hope you don't have as much work as you think ahead of you. Maybe your starting line was far from the beginning, but at least you have life experience to help you figure things out faster?

Think about it. When you're insecure about yourself, doesn't it make you feel better to know there's others worse off and can use your protection? It's a pretty terrible way to do things, but popular never meant correct. Disney and Hollywood are bad about weak women and strong men protecting them archetype. It's been good to see strong women in movies more often in the last decade. I actually got Hanako's route first, mainly because I'm anti-competitive. Shizune is very much a dog type and I'm a cat type. I admit I had a domineering mother so I like freedom alot.

It's easier than you'd think. the big thing is getting the grain of the leather or the stretch of the fabric alined so that when you close your hand it stretches. If I had the money and a working sewing machine. Takes forever to do by hand lol. Clamp always comes up with some really neat cloth designs, for guys and girls. I'd like to try making the black and red leather coat someday when I actually have cash for the leather lol. I'd only be interested in commission when I was comfortable enough in skill.

A bit alike. Having moved 7 times between 8 and 18, I learned that friends come and go rather early in life. It was pretty lonely for most of my school life. It took me months to be comfortable enough to talk to other kids growing up. By the time I made friends, I'd never see them again the next year practically. I've gotten good at being a lone wolf type, but humans are by nature social animals. It's instinct that makes up want to connect with others. I've just done a pretty good job of learning how to shut off or supplement that instinct. Like, I don't really like my mom(she's been claiming she's going to die soon for 15 years), but I still hug her once a week or so lol. I have a friend I can talk to on facebook about anything, even though I haven't physically seen her in like 4 years. It's also interesting to note that the better I feel about myself, the less I require peer bonding. I mean it's fun every now and then, but I just don't need it like I did from kid to early 20s. I could literally not talk to any friend for weeks and be fine with it, because I'm doing something I have a passion for.

To live is to suffer in one form or another. Learning how to cope in a healthy way is the challenge. There's lots of traps that can prevent a person from being able to learn how to cope. Escapism into games, books, internet, alcohol, work, social circles, and even love. Even if you have to join a self help group or see a shrink, if they can give you tools, grab the tools and run with it, just don't run with scissors. I'm one broke basterd, so I don't really get that option. I gotta work on it myself. Philosophy and buddhism have some really interesting tools. Oddly enough biographies are also interesting. I learned a lot reading about other lives. If I can learn from other people's mistakes, I don't have to make the same ones.

[Daggett]

Think about it. When you're insecure about yourself, doesn't it make you feel better to know there's others worse off and can use your protection? It's a pretty terrible way to do things, but popular never meant correct. Disney and Hollywood are bad about weak women and strong men protecting them archetype. It's been good to see strong women in movies more often in the last decade. I actually got Hanako's route first, mainly because I'm anti-competitive. Shizune is very much a dog type and I'm a cat type. I admit I had a domineering mother so I like freedom alot.

It's easier than you'd think. the big thing is getting the grain of the leather or the stretch of the fabric alined so that when you close your hand it stretches. If I had the money and a working sewing machine. Takes forever to do by hand lol. Clamp always comes up with some really neat cloth designs, for guys and girls. I'd like to try making the black and red leather coat someday when I actually have cash for the leather lol. I'd only be interested in commission when I was comfortable enough in skill.

A bit alike. Having moved 7 times between 8 and 18, I learned that friends come and go rather early in life. It was pretty lonely for most of my school life. It took me months to be comfortable enough to talk to other kids growing up. By the time I made friends, I'd never see them again the next year practically. I've gotten good at being a lone wolf type, but humans are by nature social animals. It's instinct that makes up want to connect with others. I've just done a pretty good job of learning how to shut off or supplement that instinct. Like, I don't really like my mom(she's been claiming she's going to die soon for 15 years), but I still hug her once a week or so lol. I have a friend I can talk to on facebook about anything, even though I haven't physically seen her in like 4 years. It's also interesting to note that the better I feel about myself, the less I require peer bonding. I mean it's fun every now and then, but I just don't need it like I did from kid to early 20s. I could literally not talk to any friend for weeks and be fine with it, because I'm doing something I have a passion for.

To live is to suffer in one form or another. Learning how to cope in a healthy way is the challenge. There's lots of traps that can prevent a person from being able to learn how to cope. Escapism into games, books, internet, alcohol, work, social circles, and even love. Even if you have to join a self help group or see a shrink, if they can give you tools, grab the tools and run with it, just don't run with scissors. I'm one broke basterd, so I don't really get that option. I gotta work on it myself. Philosophy and buddhism have some really interesting tools. Oddly enough biographies are also interesting. I learned a lot reading about other lives. If I can learn from other people's mistakes, I don't have to make the same ones.

Yes, it does. I think I focus on others too much sometimes, not just local people either. But I usually try to be a protective friend than a protecter. But my friend used me more like a mercenary I think. lol I got Hanako too. And the good end which made me feel good. Nice. Freedom is a very nice thing to have penchant for. In movies and more importantly in real life. We should all be strong to be who we want. Easier said than done. lol

I might have to try making gloves then. Wow, those outfits are pretty and intricate. You might be able to get some leather if you go behind thrift stores. If it's damaged, they throw it in their dumpster. Just hop in and get it.

I guess I am lucky. I have only moved once. I didn't go to a school after 1st grade though. Why did you have to move so many times?

Have you looked into dumpstering? You can find mountains of fruit and vegetables. Do you qualify for SNAP? I don't like to read, I don't drink, I have no friends and I have never had a lover. Now if I can get away from video games and the computer I'll be a perfect coper. haha Philosophy is very interesting. I always wonder the roots and the way the philosophies themselves came around. It's very interesting to dive into deep things, isn't it?

By the way, I am still yet to read your story. But I will soon.

[Exbando]

Something strange has been going on lately. Yesterday, my grandma went to the ER. I don't know why, but she has some operation tomorrow. What I found strange is, when I was being told, I had no emotion. Everything I felt was the same way I normally feel. Like I don't really care (at least that's how it looks to others I'm guessing). What really bothers me, though, is that after finishing a book (won't say what book), I was crying because a certain character had died. Why is it that a member of my family can go to the hospital, and I just stand there with a blank face, and yet a fictional character can actually stir emotions up in me. All of that just feels wrong.

[Daggett]

Something strange has been going on lately. Yesterday, my grandma went to the ER. I don't know why, but she has some operation tomorrow. What I found strange is, when I was being told, I had no emotion. Everything I felt was the same way I normally feel. Like I don't really care (at least that's how it looks to others I'm guessing). What really bothers me, though, is that after finishing a book (won't say what book), I was crying because a certain character had died. Why is it that a member of my family can go to the hospital, and I just stand there with a blank face, and yet a fictional character can actually stir emotions up in me. All of that just feels wrong.

I know exactly what you mean. My cousin gets killed and I don't shed a tear. But Katawa Shoujo made me tear up at some parts. All I can think is, do you know your grandmother very well? Mine was always mean to me so, yeah...

I hope knowing that you aren't alone with your feelings and wonder is some sort of consolation. You made me feel less alone from reading you post.