Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Neoteros]

I know EXACTLY how that feels...

Is it just me, or does the Katawa Shoujo Forums feel like group therapy sometimes? I don't know of any other forum that has anywhere close to that feeling... which is probably why I love this community so much.

You're right. ^^

I can confirm that that sort of thing can be a sign of depression. I'm clinically depressed (or maybe I used to be, since I don't take antidepressants now, but mood stabilizers) and I had (and still have) that kind of thoughts. Right now I don't, though.

[Imossel]

Should I say hi or something?...
Well, first thing first, I'm french, so my english will not be perfect, but I'll try my best...

Here's my story, why i'm part of this hanako's broken heart club...
I'm a 18 years old guy in my freshman year of college that discovered katawa shoujo during July or so. I've seen Shizune's part, that did not hit me like it would... And then I discovered Hanako, this girl with scars and agoraphobia, and in my opinion, the most beautiful girl of this game... I've finished her path in one single night (sleep at 5:00 A.M) I've played other paths, but they seemed tasteless to me after Hanako's.

Here's where Hanako hit me, I got stretch on my arms and my venter, since one year or so, and since one year, I'm totally complexed about it. I think if I have to be shirtless in public (or even short sleeves shirts, I'm always wearing long sleeves even when it's 35°C outside), I would just panic and feint, I don't like my body, I don't like myself, and I don't like my life because of that... I don't know if I'm depressed, I'm by nature quite a joyfull guy (or I seem to be). Only 2 peoples saw those stretches : my ex and a doctor for a check up (When I get out of the doctor that just stared at those, I felt like I would feint on the floor on my way back to class, or just fall on the ground and cry (well, like hanako's last scene). I was hitting rock bottom, just because somebody looked at me) (And when my ex saw it for the first and only time, she stared at it, If I wasn't about to... Well, fck her, I think I would've just stop, cry, and tell her to go away)

I've got quite some friends, I've had a relationship that turned to be a friend with occasionnal benefits(Well, she cheated on me, ignored me when I was trying to save her from suicide etc.. When I was only friend with her, she would just ignore me again and again. One day I've told her "never gonna speak to you again, goodbye") and I'm far to be agoraphobic. Primary relations with peoples are fine, but I can't get in a true relationship right now, mostly because of my stretches. I think I've got my chances with 2 different girls at the moment, but... I just... Can't, I can't tell myself "she's gonna see those, but it's allright" So I'm just friend with everybody, making them feel like I'm not "modest" (not sure if that word is the right word to say that I'm totally scared about being naked) at all, but I am "modest" and I think I can qualify that as a phobia at this point.

So this is why "Hanako's broken heart club" I'm feeling... In love with Hanako, I've got the feeling that it's the only human that wouldn't scare me to death to be naked with. I obviously know that she's not real. But... I don't know if I'll be able to share my life with anybody else. (And by the way, this scene when she saw Hisao's scars almost made me cry and gave me the chill all over my body)
I've got the feeling that the only good thing I can do is not being responsible of anyone's feelings. I can't be attached to anybody, I don't know why, I've got the feeling like the only time where I will be allowed to be happy with myself will be the day where I will not matter to anybody. And I don't know, if this day arrives, I may commit suicide just because "it will not matter to anybody, it'll not make anyone sad, nobody will care" (Did I mentionned that the only reason I find suicide stupid is because you just reject your sadness on everybody else that cared about you). So I found Hanako so strong, being alone, bullied, nobody cared about her, and yet, she survived, she made it until somebody cared about her.
Got the "Do it for her" image next to my bed everytime I'm going to sleep.


Here is my story, hope you'll read it. This may be my first post, but I've read the forum for quite a while now.

[hitman555z]

touching story imossel. not sure where to begin though.

the reason you got that strong of a connection to hanako could be that you relate to her the strongest. and im sure everyone here was "in love" with a character in this game, even if it was kenji during the manly picnic.

i felt a connection to hanako purely because of my history with bullying. during 5th grade all the way through into high school until i was in my last 2 years or so, i kept getting pushed around and picked on, etc etc etc. it didnt stop till i stopped giving a fuck. i ran out of them i suppose. you need to care less to get more. it works. it may seem cold to not care, but here is how it works: you dont give a fuck about anyon, dont give into fear, and accept that at any moment, something can go wrong. my parents always tell me to not go outside at night because some bum can bother me or start something with me. almost every funny conversation ive had in my life is with random strangers and crazy people, like how those Strangers and Freaks are in GTAV.

anywho, you need to not care if someone seen the stretches. im not sure if by stretches you mean scars or something else though, so thats something you may want to tell me in private. ive met people who had burn marks and other scars on them, and they think of it as a mark or something they overcame and lived through. some think of it as a trophy. a guy in my school practices tae kwon do and he got a scar from tearing his heel or something at the joint there. he was out for almost a year, and hes back in action.

fun fact: i was almost hit by a car on multiple occasions. last time was on the corner of my school because of some jewish women who was on the phone, talking to the passenger, and also making a right turn. the bitch almost hit me cause she was speeding also. this is why i don want to drive a car. dumbass people like that make me not want to drive.

[Imossel]

touching story imossel.

I guess I could say thank you...

the reason you got that strong of a connection to hanako could be that you relate to her the strongest.

Mostly because of the scars. But yeah, that too.

im not sure if by stretches you mean scars or something else though, so thats something you may want to tell me in private.

Well, screw google translate, as I've told, I'm french and didn't knew the word for the kind of scars that I have, so... In a quick definiton : it's those kind of scares that you get from gaining or loosing weight too fast, and mostly pregnant women have them after their pregnancy (it's technically quite a girl thing, which is more of a reason for me to complex about it) (fun fact is : I'm quite "fat" indeed, but I was always like that, I didn't gained any weight or what so ever. But I've read that those can come with puberty, I guess that's my case... :/)
So yeah, there's nothing to be proud about those marks that confirm the fact that I'm fat (and about this though, I easily live with my weight, not proud of it, but not hiding it either, and I get a bit bullied in middle school about it, but never cared too much since I am quite good at responding to people's flame etc...)
Oh and by the way, can you tell me the real word for the scars that I have? In french it's called "vergetures" (quite a disgusting word indeed) and since I'm quite interested in English... Just by curiosity

[Sea]

Oh and by the way, can you tell me the real word for the scars that I have? In french it's called "vergetures" (quite a disgusting word indeed) and since I'm quite interested in English... Just by curiosity

The closes thing I believe in english is stretch or stretch marks, generally on the bad side though.
Don't worry, after gratuitous exposure to the internet and getting a English spell checker I picked up the language pretty fast.

[bhtooefr]

Stretch marks is the phrase I'd use, as a native US English speaker.

[hitman555z]

yea, those are called stretch marks in english. some people after losing weight thin of it like "tiger marks" or they look at it as a mark that you were once overweight and then lose the weight. so its almost like a reminder of a past life when you were once unhealthy and then became healthy. im not exactly skinny myself, but due to going to the gym before, i have a mixture of muscle and fat on me. not the best combination, but i live with it.

best thing you can do is to avoid assholes and stick to people you can put some value into. thats what i have always done and only believed people on the internet (which may i add, people on the internet are more honest and sincere than people you meet in person). my sanity has so far not left me, and im still here.

[pandaphil]

I'm really glad you found us Imossel. I think you pretty much described how a lot of us feel about Hanako. I know I was picked on badly all through high school and its had an effect on me for most of my life. Thats what attracted me to her. I like the idea that someone as alone, and sad as I am can find love.


Meanwhile on my end, things are taking a turn for the better in my life. I've been approved for Social Security benefits because of my disability, and I'm supposed to start receiving a monthly check starting in December. I've been broke for so long that I'm not sure what to do with myself.

[hitman555z]

I'm really glad you found us Imossel. I think you pretty much described how a lot of us feel about Hanako. I know I was picked on badly all through high school and its had an effect on me for most of my life. Thats what attracted me to her. I like the idea that someone as alone, and sad as I am can find love.


Meanwhile on my end, things are taking a turn for the better in my life. I've been approved from Social Security benefits because of my disability, and I'm supposed to start receiving a monthly check starting next month. I've been broke for so long that I'm not sure what to do with myself.

the best thing i can tell you is to find something to do to live comfortably. setting standards high will make you more likely to develop major depressive disorder. low standards will make you achieve more and make you more happy. this is not exactly going to allow you to live in a very wealthy way, but if you stay frugal and live with standards that are able to be achieved, you should be happy.

thats actually how i live. i don expect much and i dont take stuff i have for granted. hell, my families income is about 25k a year. i am grateful for every person i meet and everything i have, even though i am greedy as all hell. it comes down to knowing your wants and needs, and suppressing those desires.

[Recidivism]

It's funny how it's so much easier for me to talk about this with strangers on the internet than people I actually know and trust in real life, but here we go.

I've got some serious psychological problems.I don't have any official diagnoses, I'm not currently taking any meds, at one point I was taking something for anxiety, but I rarely ever dealt with that, so I stopped taking it and I haven't needed it since. Every so often I get periods of anywhere from a few days to a month where I just feel like I have nothing but void inside of me. These happen maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I've accepted the fact that they probably won't go away forever, so I've just decided to enjoy the good times while they last so that when I'm going through one of those, I can remember that it's going to go back to normal eventually. I deal with paranoid thoughts, except for the closest people to me, I can never take a compliment even when I know I'm being irrational, I always find myself thinking that they're just mocking me behind my back and being sarcastic. And I know that I'm eccentric, but I couldn't stop even if I tried. I say things that sound like complete non sequitur, and most of the time I can't remember the thought process that brought me to whatever I said. I always want to talk about philosophical or existential junk with people and none of them really care. I don't think anyone can take me seriously because they can't possibly see things from my point of view.

KS was a good tool for introspection. I find myself thinking about it all the time. It lead to me realizing that as fucked up as I seem to myself, there is people that love me and would sincerely miss me if I decided to splatter my brains across my bedroom wall. If people care about me, then I suppose I'm pretty okay with being my fucked up self.

I think about one particular KS related quote a lot. "You are not alone. You are not strange. You are you, and everyone has damage."

[Lianam]

I always want to talk about philosophical or existential junk with people and none of them really care. I don't think anyone can take me seriously because they can't possibly see things from my point of view.

KS was a good tool for introspection. I find myself thinking about it all the time. It lead to me realizing that as fucked up as I seem to myself, there is people that love me and would sincerely miss me if I decided to splatter my brains across my bedroom wall. If people care about me, then I suppose I'm pretty okay with being my fucked up self.

I think about one particular KS related quote a lot. "You are not alone. You are not strange. You are you, and everyone has damage."

I feel the same way honestly.

[hitman555z]

It's funny how it's so much easier for me to talk about this with strangers on the internet than people I actually know and trust in real life, but here we go.

I've got some serious psychological problems.I don't have any official diagnoses, I'm not currently taking any meds, at one point I was taking something for anxiety, but I rarely ever dealt with that, so I stopped taking it and I haven't needed it since. Every so often I get periods of anywhere from a few days to a month where I just feel like I have nothing but void inside of me. These happen maybe 2 or 3 times a year. I've accepted the fact that they probably won't go away forever, so I've just decided to enjoy the good times while they last so that when I'm going through one of those, I can remember that it's going to go back to normal eventually. I deal with paranoid thoughts, except for the closest people to me, I can never take a compliment even when I know I'm being irrational, I always find myself thinking that they're just mocking me behind my back and being sarcastic. And I know that I'm eccentric, but I couldn't stop even if I tried. I say things that sound like complete non sequitur, and most of the time I can't remember the thought process that brought me to whatever I said. I always want to talk about philosophical or existential junk with people and none of them really care. I don't think anyone can take me seriously because they can't possibly see things from my point of view.

KS was a good tool for introspection. I find myself thinking about it all the time. It lead to me realizing that as fucked up as I seem to myself, there is people that love me and would sincerely miss me if I decided to splatter my brains across my bedroom wall. If people care about me, then I suppose I'm pretty okay with being my fucked up self.

I think about one particular KS related quote a lot. "You are not alone. You are not strange. You are you, and everyone has damage."

if at any point in time you need someone to talk to, im always here. literally speaking, that is. i keep this page open in a tab and check it every now and then.

and im a bit curious as to what the diagnosis is. in terms of personality wise, you might be introverted, which i can automatically relate to. i think most people here are introverts, so i felt right at home when i first joined up. introverts may be socially awkward, but in the company of fellow introverts or people with similar interests, we become very social and talkative. think of it like hanako and hisao. if it wasnt for lilly, they wouldn be talking as much as they do. progress wouldnt be made. because of lilly being the bridge between them, they became close.

and about your quote, i agree 1000%. we are all damaged goods, and we just need people to accept us and love us for who we are. we can try to assimilate to someones wants, but they need to reciprocate.

[Imossel]

I always find myself thinking that they're just mocking me behind my back and being sarcastic. And I know that I'm eccentric, but I couldn't stop even if I tried

I think everybody got that problem... Well at least I do, and I don't think I'm alone in this case. It's totally normal to feel paranoid about this kind of things. I would say that brain causes it because of the natural instinct that guides us to be paranoid, like "if you're thinking the worse, you're preparing yourself for the best" for your survival. There's nothing wrong with always having yourself thinking "they're talking about me" or "if those girls are laughing, that's because they're saying things about me". It's natural.
Well, I'm far to be a psychological expert, but I think this one is pretty accurate.

And by the way, if anybody's telling you that you're bipolar, that's wrong, bipolarity is a completely different thing. (It's like having 2 personnalities that switch for a period of like 3-4 months, one is dark, depressed, you don't want anybody to bother you and the other one is over social, you want to talk to everybody about anything (especially about sex)). Well at least that's what a nurse in a psychiatric hospital told me.

[hitman555z]

I always find myself thinking that they're just mocking me behind my back and being sarcastic. And I know that I'm eccentric, but I couldn't stop even if I tried

I think everybody got that problem... Well at least I do, and I don't think I'm alone in this case. It's totally normal to feel paranoid about this kind of things. I would say that brain causes it because of the natural instinct that guides us to be paranoid, like "if you're thinking the worse, you're preparing yourself for the best" for your survival. There's nothing wrong with always having yourself thinking "they're talking about me" or "if those girls are laughing, that's because they're saying things about me". It's natural.
Well, I'm far to be a psychological expert, but I think this one is pretty accurate.

And by the way, if anybody's telling you that you're bipolar, that's wrong, bipolarity is a completely different thing. (It's like having 2 personnalities that switch for a period of like 3-4 months, one is dark, depressed, you don't want anybody to bother you and the other one is over social, you want to talk to everybody about anything (especially about sex)). Well at least that's what a nurse in a psychiatric hospital told me.

bipolar disorder is when you have DID (dissociative identity disorder) to a max. DID is similar to multiple personality disorder, but renamed and such. its also similar to shizophrenia.

bipolar can possibly be seen in people with antisocial personality disorder. basically, you are 2 different people and are quite possibly aware of it.

i say all this loosely. im not exactly looking at notes, but im just speaking from what i remember when taking abnormal psychology in my other college.

[Recidivism]

My father was actually bipolar and possibly schizophrenic, and my mother has a pretty bad problem with anxiety (A few years ago it was to the extent where she couldn't even leave the house), and I know that one of my uncles on my mother's side also has schizophrenia, so I kind of developed this fear of being mentally ill because I know that it's extremely likely to happen to me.