Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Exbando]

OH CRAP YOU TYPED MORE WITHOUT ME REALIZING! and it's about me, no less.

What has helped me is doing my hobbies even when I didn't feel like it. Pick up something where you are mastering a skill. With piano, my confidence grows with every new piece I learn. I wish I got to learn when I was younger so I have been learning in my 20's and now can even play Howl's Moving Castle theme which seemed like it would never happen when I was learning how to read sheet music (all self taught). Writing has been a wonderful outlet and allowed me to lose myself in my plots than my own drama. After over a decade of submitting stuff to agents and publishers, I finally have a manuscript agents are excited about and I finally got one (my manuscript is at an editor's before being shopped to publishers). These have been helping my recovery process. I used to be a lot like Hanako, but now I'm like her towards the end (still dealing with stuff but there is light at end of tunnel).

Think of it as, sitting at the computer or whatever doing nothing isn't making you feel better. So force yourself to go for a walk, cook something yummy, read a book curled up in blankets with music playing. You will feel better than if you sat around probably browsing the net or watching tv like I used to do. Sure you won't be bouncing with joy, but it is like radiation poisoning in a good way =) the more you do it, the greater the benefit. Exercise like jogging, swimming, riding a bike, playing DDR or Pump It Up gets happy endorphins going which can do wonders for the mood and put you in a mood that will help you enjoy your hobbies more.

With my hobbies, they're not something that can really be "mastered" per se. Since they're also competitive, to an extent, I feel more and more frustrated the more I do them.

I have been exercising with my dad since the beginning of the year. One thing that I have noticed with me, though, is that I just don't even have any time left to do anything except for staring at my computer screen. Between work for 26-27 hours a week, 14 credit hours of school, and the homework, I just don't have the time anymore.

[Al]

I've went through several crushes over the course of my life. And very few of them I actually told them how I felt. Even if I did it never went beyond that point.

Then, there was this one girl back in my senior year of High School. She was a really nice girl, very pretty too. At first all I did was watch her from a distance whenever I saw her. I never did anything beyond that. One day though, we were told to form groups in order to work on special projects. I wounded up being in the same group as her. Soon, we began talking, and then we became friends.

Eventually, I told her how I felt. She took it really well. While we weren't an official couple, I felt that we were close. So I took the next step. I asked her out to the Senior Ball. She replied by saying that she would have to talk to her mom about that. And later she said that she had to find a dress. I waited two weeks for her to tell me she found a dress. Because I couldn't rent a tux until I knew she was going to go with me. Before I knew it it was a week before the ball, and still no confirmation of her getting a dress. I texted her to see if she found one yet. She said she couldn't find one. At that point I just told her that maybe we should just see a movie instead.

She then said she would have to ask her mom about it. So as a result I had to wait and occasionally ask if she had permission. Still no answer. She never gave me a yes or no answer. As a result, we never did go out on a date.

At the time, I thought that maybe she just didn't want a relationship. As all her previous relationships failed. Of course another reason could be I may have said or done something that may have creeped her out. She never did directly reject me or tell me why she didn't want to go out with me. So I'll never know what I did wrong. At the very least, we remained friends throughout the rest of the year.

Six months after I graduated, I later found out she got married to some other guy. Needless to say, I felt like I was played. I felt like she just toyed with me this entire time. Again though, I'll never know what I did wrong.

That's all in the past though. And there's no point dwelling on it. The only thing I can do is learn from my mistakes and move on.

Frankly though, I don't think I could date a girl even if I wanted too. I don't have a paying job, I don't have a car to take one on a date, not to mention that I'm trying to sort my life out. So I'm not sure if I could handle a relationship at this point. It sort of makes me sad to think about it, as I'm currently infatuated with another girl as I'm typing this.

I know this nearly isn't as sad as some of the other stories that are posted. But I just wanted to get this off my chest.

This is proof why if you're planning to go into a relationship you're the one that needs to maintain the control of the relationship; not her. Otherwise you get played just like this.

[Daitengu]

This is proof why if you're planning to go into a relationship you're the one that needs to maintain the control of the relationship; not her. Otherwise you get played just like this.

...I don't know if you're just a chauvinistic pig, totally insecure in a relationship based on equal partnership, or just plain don't know how to understand others. Whatever the case, I've been in fights(verbal, and physical) with people because they held your view. Mainly because people with that view almost always have relationships that blow up, and they're too dumb to see it.

[viduuskamen]

I think I am lucky since I've had enough time to sort of climb out of the rut, and while I still have the same phobias, I have been able to keep them under control. Hiding in an office cube with headsets on definitely helps.

From reading through the previous stories (and threads), I could relate a lot of the posters... so I think it might be interesting if I were to tell my story in a timeline format.

I’d also like to thank everyone that posted before me, and in other threads; having someone talk about their experiences makes it easier for me to share.

--------------------------------

Age 4 - I was a healthy kid, but something triggered a severe asthma attack - entire body was wrecked onwards. I had breathing issues and needed injections to prevent attacks during colder seasons.

Age 6 - 2nd grade, I moved away 3/4 into semester due to family's work.

Age 7 - 3rd grade, I was mostly a latchkey kid that was terrified of the dark due to being alone (poor lightning makes shadows dance in an unfamiliar, crappy, cockroach infested apartment that was supposed to be "home"). Sometimes my grandmother and aunt would visit, and I think that’s what kept me together.

Age 8 – I moved yet again right before starting 4th grade; I had fell slightly behind in school due to non-standardized teaching of same material, so I was sent to cram school - the entire experience could be best described by my first day welcome from the class rep, the first words that came out of her mouth as I entered was:
"Don't think we'll treat you nicely (if at all) just because you're new."

Age 9 – I caught up and completed 4th grade - some friends from 2nd year were here and recognized me, so we were put into the same class. It was a good year, and the only time where I enjoyed and thought of when asked to remember my child hood. Then I moved to the US at the end of 4th grade.
Weighing less than 18 kg at the customs (about 40lbs), the customs agent thought I had some disease and had to be screened.

Age 10 - 5th grade - had some "friends," probably because I looked "different" and amused them.
I didn't speak English and couldn't really defend myself until some friendlier classmates came to my rescue.
At this point I developed sleep walking and interacting with objects at the kitchen. (Guess the objects.)
I have no recollection of this at all; I was only informed of this.

Age 11 - 6th grade: because of language issues, I was sent to the worst class of the local middle school, which was absolutely terrible (there were kids 3-4 years older that were held back due to delinquency). Even though the teachers did their job teaching as well as they could, they were completely uninterested in any student affairs.
This is the year of year of hell where I developed agoraphobia. I had to be dragged to school, and was afraid to leave the classroom. It didn't get any better until I finally flipped out and bit someone fairly violently. Fortunately I was able to explain my actions... so I wasn't punished for it. (The teacher probably knew what was happening, that's why I got away without any disciplinary action on my part.)

Age 12 - 7th grade: I was still in one of the worst classes for the less-than-disciplined kids.
From the fear of retaliation from those in my previous class, I developed enough anthropophobia where I panic-attacked myself into somehow spraining my neck (seized?), even as I sat still in my seat. I remember sweating like crazy while shaking in my seat from the fear of making eye-contact with anyone… I don’t know how long it took to happen, but I didn't realize something was wrong until I couldn't move...
My seat had to be changed to the far end for me to even stay functional in class.

Age 13 - 8th grade: I had been so terrified of going anywhere, that I spent most of my time reading and studying in order to not fall behind. I stayed in the computer labs and library where there was at least some safety / supervision. And oddly enough, I did better studying alone and my grades caught up.

Age 14 - My grade improvements in middle school put me "on-track" for advanced high school courses
I got along well with the teachers and spent most of my time sharpening the language + reading / playing games by myself.
I also somehow gathered enough confidence and became a "sociable loner" in that I found a few people that I could go to, but mostly did in order to avoid being singled out and picked on again.

At least, I thought I had people I could go to.

At some point I realized that I had been the butt of many jokes, but I was either too naive to realize it at the time, or just forgave them out of fear of losing the shelter.

What finally made me break away was the final joke - they told me that they found a quiet girl that wanted to be friends with me, but was too shy to talk to me; thinking that I could help her (and share my experiences), and potentially interact with someone of the opposite gender. My health has been recovering and I was starting to be interested in girls, it was a chance I couldn't give up.

I was driven to somewhere public to meet her, and was stood up for an hour. It turned out that someone had pretended to be the girl, and the rest took the time to make an elaborate story and left behind clues in order to convince me. They knew that I was already very skeptical in general, yet they took it a step further to ensure that they could trick me.

I found out on my own, as over time where I was able to put bits and pieces together (by this point I've developed great memory retention), overhearing someone slip up during a conversation simply confirmed it. That was pretty much the end of my refuge in anyone. Back to the library and labs I went; any additional time I had, I worked part time. To this day, I still don’t know how many / who was involved, and I am not sure if they know I know.

Age 17 - Senior year. I received my first kiss from a girl that thought I looked lonely. I was genuinely surprised, since by this point I can blend into any background perfectly, yet she noticed me... our relationship was odd as we didn't really... date. Yet she stayed with me for almost a year before finally leaving. (I just realized as I type this, I wonder if it's because she knew of the joke from above and felt sorry for me.)

I ultimately graduated high school with 2 years’ worth of college credits ready, and was accepted into a prestigious university.

I was also approached by another girl, and she was my first girlfriend. She said she was attracted to my intelligence and my supposed "confidence." (Why I fell for that, I don't know, I guess word got out regarding my academic accomplishments, but at this point I had been very alone and appreciated/was desperate for any sort of companionship.)

Age 18 - college freshman. In the mean time I had moved away to attend university, numerous soap opera drama-filled events occurred, such as her parents fighting for custody/moving away; I helped her find a place to secretly moving back, drawing on my savings for deposits, helping her abused younger sister move in with her, setting them up for school... etc.

After the first year, I returned during break to only find that I was cheated on repeatedly while away.
She was completely unapologetic despite everything I've done for her; instead, she blamed me for being emotionally detached and inattentive... Being the idiot I was, I thought it was in fact, my fault, so I forgave her and the same thing repeated for another few months before I got an international call telling me it was over; she had found someone else during a “trip.”

After that, I pretty much shut down for 5 or so years (even after college), I moved into an apartment, and despite having roommates; our total interaction time was less than a few hours a year. I locked myself in my room and my grades suffered.

During the latter parts of college; I completely didn't realize that a very nice young woman had tried her earnest to know me better and to talk to me, only to have me miss the hints entirely and declined whatever she suggested rather impersonally. It didn't help that while she started rather innocently, she became rather suggestive at the end since she probably realized I was too dense... and I still didn't get it.

I do kind of feel bad for her... probably thought she was doing something wrong. And she was a very nice person... Hell, what did she see in me? (Well, I looked back at some pictures, I guess I did look alright. Hah.)

--------------------------------

With that last statement, of course I had moments of existentialism and severe loneliness (particular around age 15), but fortunately for me, I could always rationalize away the negative thoughts. I made sure to myself that everything would be temporary and it'd be okay with tears shed alone.

Add another decade or so, the result is pretty much what I am right now.

I graduated university at age 21 (ended up losing just about 2 years worth of credits), so instead of pursuing higher education as I originally intended, I joined the workforce instead. This wasn’t bad, as I picked up a variety of skills, and IT is one of my main interests.

I am now known as a quiet, polite individual, albeit not fun to talk to at all. In addition, I have been "notified" by upper management that my mannerisms are off, to the point of creeping people out when I try to smile in order to be polite (their recommendation is stop). Aside from that, being Asian (I assume that's guessable by now), the narrow-eye stereotype applies rather well... I've also been reminded that I always look either extremely bored, or angry - which kind of leads to the smiling issue altogether.

That's not to say that there's anything wrong with me visually, as I've had other relationships despite them never lasting. Ironically, I'm coming up on 2 years with the current girlfriend - which I see once every 6 months or so; and she's amused that this is the longest relationship we've both been in, in addition to it being a semi-long distance due to lack of contact.

I'm fairly certain that my perspective on many things are skewed a bit as a result of my experiences, but I am sure that it isn't difficult to see why I enjoyed and appreciate this game so much.

[Beoran]

I'd like to give a hearty welcome to al, daitengu, viduuskamen, micechasekittens, scorptatious, Snow_Storm, GuyOverThere and HarvestMan!

GuyOverThere, It sounds to me like if you hadn't come there she would have ended up harming herself, maybe not on the same day, but probably some time soon later. In a way Katawa Shoujo indirectly encouraged you to go there, and you ended up more or less saving her life, just like you did before by punching her dad. It's as I said before, this is to me a case of necessary defense of someone in need. I guess that for her, though, it was too late and the damage had been done. I hope she'll find some way to get over the scars of the past.

Scorptacious, if there's one thing I've learned that in normal situations a girl who really likes you won't let you wait a week for an answer. I feel that many ladies (and men also, who knows) don't want to say "no" outright, so that's why they give such half hearted answers. I doubt that she played you, she just wanted you to be and acquaintance of her (not "friend", just someone who she wanted to have around). That's probably also why she didn't want to reject you outright. It kind of sucks but people do this, they put the people they meet in the zone where they want them to be. As for the girl you're infatuated with, I'd say, get to know her better and then confess, expecting to be rejected. And then drop her if she does so. A "No" you already have, a "Yes" you have a fighting chance for. I myself pined for a girl all through 4 years of college, and I can say that "maybe" is the worst place to be when you like someone.

micechasekittens, I read your story attentively. It sounds like you had one of the worst childhoods of anyone here so far. I got pretty sad, but although I sometimes thought "It would be better if I hadn't been born", I never thought of ending my life. I guess I love life too much despite this all, and I'll die anyway, so I didn't see why bother to hurt myself. You seem to have a lot of self-loathing going on... I don't know if this makes any sense, but I think that you're not hating yourself, but in stead have internalized the bully's contempt for you. In other words, they taught you to hate yourself. I know it's very hard, but I think it will help if you vehemently reject this false teaching.

GaseousMask, they didn't bully us for our nose, hair, eyes, cheeks or whatever physical difference. Those are merely "tools" for the bullies to use. They bullied us because we were a more sensitive or insecure than the average kid, so we were the easiest target. That's also why others don't care too much: they don't see why you don't "just" shrug it off like they would.

Actually, I suddenly remember something that I must have forgotten out of shame. When I was about 16 in high school, I took hot lunches at school, and there was a "fixed table" system where we always had to go sit at the same table with the same people, and the layout was chosen by the teachers. I was forced to sit at the same table with 3 or 4 girls from a different class that I didn't know or meet or got along with otherwise for about one year. It was a very akward situation, we didn't get along at all and were always arguing. I must shamefully admit that at times, I took out a lot of very rude and low verbal abuse on one of those girls during the lunches.

So it would be fair to say I bullied her out of arrogance and mistrust. I passed on my bullying to another. I now know that that's terrible, I shouldn't have done that. I ...think... I apologized to her later, but I'm not sure of that... And what's the worst is that I forgot everything else about her, her name, her face, how she looked like, everything. So I can't even make amends anymore. What bothers me most is that I can't even honestly say that I feel deep regret or remorse anymore, I've forgotten about those too. I just feel sorry for her, and I know that that doesn't amount to much. If I ever met her again, I'd gladly let her slap me in the face or such if that 'd make her feel better.

I don't want to make any excuses, but looking back now, I think it made me understand a bit why bullying happens. I also hope remembering this will help me tone down my arrogance from now on. What also strikes me now is how easy I can remember other people hurting me, and how I feel bad about it, but at the same time, how easy it is for me to forget how I hurt other people, and how little I feel for them. I guess that the same is true for many people out there, and that may also explain a thing or two.

[FlyingPiranha]

Frankly though, I don't think I could date a girl even if I wanted too. I don't have a paying job, I don't have a car to take one on a date, not to mention that I'm trying to sort my life out. So I'm not sure if I could handle a relationship at this point. It sort of makes me sad to think about it, as I'm currently infatuated with another girl as I'm typing this.

You don't really need any of that, though. I'm 19, and I'm currently unemployed, I don't have a license, and I'm not a poster child of having my life sorted either, but I've been with my girlfriend for two and a half years now. If you find the right person, it doesn't matter how much money you make or what fancy places you can take her - if you enjoy spending time together, even if it's just sitting around watching TV at one of your houses, it's worth it. I think one of the big lessons in KS is that no one ever really has themselves figured out 100%, but it doesn't matter as long as you have people around you to help you out, and to have you return the favor when it's needed.

[Zurc97]

If I may.

Currently I am 19 years old and am a freshmen in college.
If I could describe my short adolescent life, it would be poisonous (to everyone around me, myself included).
To begin, I guess I should start in Kindergarten where I started attending school. I was excited to go somewhere and learn and be with other kids my own age. Through in reality it wasn't what i originaly had thought. My personality was, well not what most boys my age would consider appropriate I never cared for the boys v girl thing and never had a preference for overly masculine stereotypes so my fellow boys bullied me for being girl, the same could be said for the young female classmates who though I was just yucky. My school is in a poorer neighborhood of town with a mix of cultures and races so I thought hey maybe the kids who also looked kind of like me would accept me. Sadly even in age of innocent ignorance I was classified as being "too white" neither having an accent, dressing like my pears, having a natural hate toward the other races. So without having an person or group to align with I mostly spent my free time alone. One day this girl in my class's friend did show up for school, being the person she is she approached people looking for someone to play with. Lucky for me I happens to be one she the one she approached. And you know it was fun, having a friend and playing together simple enough. Even after her friend returned we hung out sometimes.
I think further in that year, I jumped off the playground and accidentally fell on one of the larger more aggressive boys who was not pleased with what I had done. Grabbing his entourage they me back behind an annex building and well beat me.
From what I recall I was doing my best to protect myself when suddenly the pummels stopped. And then Crying? The entourage was running away and the aggressive boy who proudly stood over me was on the ground holding his knee and bawling. In his place the girl who I befriended was there and demanding that he stop. What happened next is a bit confusing, but I think the entourage called a teacher to tattle on the girl for the violent push, and by association I was roped in as well. Next I know we're on the steps. She was pissed off at the teachers and kids, and still I wondered why she helped me. We talked and then made a promise to watch each others back.

Of corase the way life works I didn't see her for quite a few years, to get through life I but on different persona's depending on my situation. Whatever face I needed to get me through elementary and middle school. Anyone I did befriend was never long, it lasted about a few months because they either moved, became distant, or simple lost interest. My fellow peers did what kids did at that age, made friends, went out and had fun, lived their lives honestly. All the while my teachers praised me for my attributes, a different praise for a different face that I happened to show them. My peers would see me as friendly, stuck up, shy, angry, happy go lucky, again only seeing what I face I just happened to have on.

In reality I was angry, disgusted, and depressed. Never finding anyone who accept me for my true self I became what everyone wanted me to be. Following that rule I became hollow. The sadness I had once felt now became emptiness, people became pawns and my manipulative nature came out and I ended up using people in however I saw fit as long as I got a laugh out of it. Classmates, teachers, random strangers anyone who could be my plaything did. I could easily read others, assess my options and give a response which corresponded to a result that would lead to my personal benefit or enjoyment. Damn thinking back I was awful, I probbaly would have stayed that way if that friend of kindergarten had not shown back up in my life.

At this point high school started as well as the lowest point in life, arrogant, prideful, and with full knowledge of the extent of my power I was sure to enjoy myself more in a larger setting then some dinky middle school with puberty confused kids. Of coarse joining a certain club had put be in contact with this friend again, who called me out on my bull crap. It's a bit hazy but I think we were to work on a assignment and I ran my mouth out with bs. Then she slapped me calling me out on it all in front of the whole class. immediately I felt angry and full of wrath but weirdly it didn't last long at her. The next few years were filled with similar situations, but she never hated me if anything she seemed nicer and became friendlier as time went on.

Senior year I was deeply confused, essentially being torn between what I've known for so long and wanting to be a better person or the "idea of being a good person". Even being the idea of being a good guy, it still seemed fake to me like putting on another face. Still I wanted to change for many reasons, and like many men I wanted to change for a girl. She was smart, hardworking, steadfast, humble, kind, strong, sharing similar ethics and history. Not to mention very pretty. It would be a lie to say I didn't have a crush on her. I liked her, and wanted become more like this person. Yet, she seemed to far for me to reach. I realized how horrid I was and wanted to change, denying my bad traits in the process and becoming something again I was not. Long story short, my weaknesses got the better of me I failed to ask out on a date, was to scared to ask her to prom, and a coward for not sharing my feelings and thanks before she left he city.

So yeah, today I think I'm doing better. Much better communication with my family and friends, accepted the good and bad parts of me. Even the manipulative nature is being put to good use, not for selfish petty reasons but to help empathize with those around me, at least at first until I can affirm an honest relationship with others build on trust and all that. Exercise and better eating habits, learning to cook and taking some piano as well as taking my college classes seriously ( Or at least more). So I think I changed a bit, from a girl, not so for a girl and I think when I'm stronger I'll contact her and thank her for helping me realize this.

[danyo]

I doubt anyone would read this, but thank you to anyone who does.

I don't have much time to respond to everyone/everything right now, but I wanted to make a quick respond to this, why would you doubt it? We've all been sharing our problems, and it seems most people are reading everything, so why would we skip over what you have to say, I don't really get it. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh or anything, it's not meant that way, just curious

ps.: I think yomiko readman looks perfectly fine

[micechasekittens]

I doubt anyone would read this, but thank you to anyone who does.

I don't have much time to respond to everyone/everything right now, but I wanted to make a quick respond to this, why would you doubt it? We've all been sharing our problems, and it seems most people are reading everything, so why would we skip over what you have to say, I don't really get it. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh or anything, it's not meant that way, just curious

ps.: I think yomiko readman looks perfectly fine

It is because I'm often overlooked on the net and irl, not very succinct, and don't have funny one liners. I also feel like the grim reaper of forum posts as sometimes the thread dies when I post so I usually just lurk. My post was a mountain of text so I don't blame anyone who didn't want to climb Mt. Verbose.

[dunkelfalke]

Don't worry, we read you. It is just sometimes difficult to respond correctly.

[danyo]

I doubt anyone would read this, but thank you to anyone who does.

I don't have much time to respond to everyone/everything right now, but I wanted to make a quick respond to this, why would you doubt it? We've all been sharing our problems, and it seems most people are reading everything, so why would we skip over what you have to say, I don't really get it. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh or anything, it's not meant that way, just curious

ps.: I think yomiko readman looks perfectly fine

It is because I'm often overlooked on the net and irl, not very succinct, and don't have funny one liners. I also feel like the grim reaper of forum posts as sometimes the thread dies when I post so I usually just lurk. My post was a mountain of text so I don't blame anyone who didn't want to climb Mt. Verbose.

Hehe, well, our posts are about the same size, so I think that'll be oké I'm usually a lurker aswell, more because I often feel that, if you don't have anything usefull to say, then don't say anything at all, at least I tell myself that most of the time. Anyway, I think it's good that you posted, I'm not quite sure how I should respond to that though, I never heard of anything like that before, teachers like that should definitly lose their jobs, if not go to prison for child abuse ( because that's what it really was in my opinion. ) I've also tried to kill myself once, after the last call with my ex, I took all my anti depressant I had left, but I got taken to the hospital and I was fine afterwards, though I felt absolutely horrible afterwards, strange thing is, it was mainly because I was still alife at that point.

Fear of letting go of your depression sounds very familiar, I said this in the other thread aswell. For now I'm content being depressed and lonely, because I don't think I can take anything else right now. I feel like a i'm too close to the edge to be able to withstand another failure, or sudden emotional pain.

[dunkelfalke]

No girl in the whole world is worth of a suicide, bro.

[Daitengu]

I basically grow up knowing mostly fear and anxiety. I've always had social anxieties and still have them. Even from before school. I have always feared being around others. Adults scared the piss out of me as a child, the other kids not so much, but I was still fearful. I did great academically in school, but it was out of fear instead of any determination.

It was so bad that once in the third grade I forgot my homework and refused to get out of the car my mom drove me in. I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't have it. It took my mom to getting the teacher to calm me down for me to even get out of the car. Later the same year, still fearful as ever I ended up having to pee for like 3 hours. I was too afraid to even raise my hand and as you can guess, pissed in the chair. My 4th and 5th grade teachers were terrible ones. They flavored my fear with loathing. Hell my 5th grade teacher would punish me for correcting her on 5th grade math <.<

In class from grades K to 7 I had zero friends. My only friend was a neighbor kid we moved next to in 2nd grade Who was generally in other classes or a totally different school. It probably didn't help that I was always the only half asian kid in the school, while living in red neck territory North Carolina. Childhood racism, added full to my isolation with bullying.

In 8th grade, I had 1 friend in school. An Indian kid(the dot kind). I think we stuck together like glue because there was no one else. Then the parental unit's divorce happened, and we moved to another state with 1 month left in the school year. Tennessee, yay, another redneck school, but even more violent and racist kids. Good thing it was just a month <.<

Mom got suckered back into remarrying the father unit. we moved back before the new school year. No friends till 10th grade where I just basically throw myself at a couple of people from shear loneliness. I ended up keeping them as friends through the next school year. Oh had a girlfriend all of 1 week, before she went and hooked up with my childhood neighbor friend. Even while my parents are fighting again and we end up moving a couple miles away when they separate so that we could stay in the same school. Oh I get disowned by my father unit over the summer. Not like he was my real father anyway. My real father wanted an abortion and left when my mother refused. Still, that hurt though. The fighting had been going on from about when I was 12 to 17. with multiple separations and makeups.

Met a new kid in 11th grade, he was half Korean, half white. We were best buds the whole year. We stuck up for each other, and he got me into anime. This was back in 1999 when DVDs weren't even for sale. So I had 3 friends total.Though scholastically I suffered bad because I couldn't give a damn, parents divorcing again for the 4th time, never knowing when or where I'd be moving again.

Then we move, again, this time to Kansas. What is it with my mom and staying in the redneck belt. At this point I totally just broke. Dropped out of the last year, well last 2 years since I failed a couple classes. and stayed in a depressed rut since. I've had a few jobs here and there, but I couldn't physically handle factory work, and retail and even tech support gave me anxiety attacks. Since I still feared being around people. I was coerced into joining the navy. Bad idea, I couldn't handle getting yelled at, and did everything I could to get out before basic was up. Seems my waver for anti-depression meds was faked, so I got booted once I brought that up. Go go shady recruiter.

I skipped some parts, but the rest is just the same. Just add liars, greed, religious fanatics, and people on drugs other than me in there, and you get the idea.

Here I am 30, still afraid of crowds, still distrusting, live with my brother, unemployed and still socially awkward so I don't generally follow on social norms at times.. I have 1 friend who I see like once a year(cause he has like 4 kids and is damn busy). I've seriously considered suicide several times over the years. I've still never been in a meaningful relationship(yep 30 yr old virgin). Oh, and I forgot what happy feels like. I literally can't remember, so I can't even get excited being in a concert of a favorite band. People rarely understand what I'm saying. So there's a real disconnect socially for me with others. I'm so leery that I've been told I was getting flirtatious looks before and was even flirted at, but I never noticed. Sometimes I just think I would have been better off aborted.

I feel as if I were part Hanako, and part Rin. I feel Hanako's fears, and I understand Rin's frustration. Smash em together and you get one really messed up person, me, but female, and probably cuter.

Probably why KS hit such a chord with me. So much so that I can't even be motivated to play other games. It did give me some hope, but I lost all hope back when I was a teen, so I don't know how this will fair. I'll try my best to do something with my life, but I worry about future me if that hope should get crushed. Still if I were to die tomorrow by some freak accident, I would have been glad it was the last game I played.

[Beoran]

First of all welcome to Daitengu, Zurc97, FlyingPirahna!

It is because I'm often overlooked on the net and irl, not very succinct, and don't have funny one liners. I also feel like the grim reaper of forum posts as sometimes the thread dies when I post so I usually just lurk. My post was a mountain of text so I don't blame anyone who didn't want to climb Mt. Verbose.

That sound just like my long rants. I like mount Verbose, it's much easier to climb than mount Fuji.

But seriously speaking, even though I read everything in this thread, I'm not a fountain of wisdom either, so I don't always have a good answer for everything or even anything. I just reply to whatever point I feel I have something remotely interesting or encouraging to say about. In general, I think the point of this thread is mostly for us all to tell our story and for us all to listen repectfully to those stories. I'ed interpret getting less or no responses merely as the people here not knowing very well what would be a useful reply.

Daitengu, that sounds like a very rough childhood indeed. I'm afraid don't have much good advice for your personal problems. But I have to say I met my wife when I was 29 and I know someone who got married only at 40. It's never too late as long as you're alive.
But as for a job, the fact that you're posting here means you know the basics of how to use a computer, so why not get into the IT field though self study? Like say, web design or development, programming, etc. That could land you a decent job where you normally don' t have to interact with people as much.

Kind Regards,
B.

[Daitengu]

First of all welcome to Daitengu, Zurc97, FlyingPirahna!

But seriously speaking, even though I read everything in this thread, I'm not a fountain of wisdom either, so I don't always have a good answer for everything or even anything. I just reply to whatever point I feel I have something remotely interesting or encouraging to say about. In general, I think the point of this thread is mostly for us all to tell our story and for us all to listen repectfully to those stories. I'ed interpret getting less or no responses merely as the people here not knowing very well what would be a useful reply.

Tis true. Though I think it's kinda nice to be able to put out stories and not get ridiculed like on most of the net. Or Get wierd, or pitying looks IRL. I've also read them all, and I wouldn't down play or luagh at a single one.

I've learned over the years that advice is like water. You can present it to the horse, but it doesn't mean the horse will drink. And sometimes the horse will kick the crap out of you and run off. It's usually more kick the crap out of in my case. I think it's because I'm very.. straight to the point and pull no punches. Probably because I haven't learned 'tact' from isolation.

Daitengu, that sounds like a very rough childhood indeed. I'm afraid don't have much good advice for your personal problems. But I have to say I met my wife when I was 29 and I know someone who got married only at 40. It's never too late as long as you're alive.
But as for a job, the fact that you're posting here means you know the basics of how to use a computer, so why not get into the IT field though self study? Like say, web design or development, programming, etc. That could land you a decent job where you normally don' t have to interact with people as much.

Kind Regards,
B.

I attempted a Cisco 2 year degree once after I got my GED. The program closed halfway though and I got nothing but debt to show for it. I supposedly could get a job on the one year cert, but, again I didn't know where to start, and I was too afraid to find out. Interviews are some of the most terrifying events for me. Feels like I'm on trial for murder >.<

Here's how bad my social fear can be at times. Think of your biggest fear, spiders, snakes, whatever, then imagine every unknown person being that. That's kinda how my fear is. Sometimes I can put up a front, and sometimes I start to crack. First I get hot and agitated, then that hot turns to itching. Like had rolled around in poison ivy itching. Then my mind goes blank and when I try to talk I stammer everything, then my heart starts skipping beats and beating irregular. It's a kind of beat, beat, BAM, BAM. beat, pause..., BAM, beat... First time it happened while I was doing tech support over the phone with some really pissed Floridan. I thought I was having a heart attack.

Because of my depression, that I only now recognize, I had a terrible time even motivating myself to eat (like a couple eggs, couple slices of toast for the whole day), much less hold down a job for very long for the last 10 years. I'm like 6'4" 150 lbs these days. Most I weighed was 175 in navy boot, if I went to hell, boot camp would be my hell. Conditioned childhood reaction to yelling was freezing up. Parents fighting for years does that to a kid. Ever freeze up in front of a drill instructor or ship officer? They just yell more... <.<

But at any rate, I thought I'd give ASL interpreter a shot after KS. I'm hoping I can do work that's more... personal, so I could relate with people better and perhaps get over my phobia. Plus I understand that deaf folk tend to be very direct, which is more my communication style. Also the concept of being able to argue in complete silence is appealing. Being as I am, I'm learning what I can from http://www.lifeprint.com/ then plan to look into a 2 year degree course in interpreting. While I could just do the course, I need confidence if I'm going to go.