Post
by Sgt Spice » Sun Feb 10, 2013 3:33 am
I apologize in advance for the wall of text.
I just feel as though every time I share my experience with people, I get a better understanding of it. Talking about it helps I've learned instead of bottling it up. Anyway here goes.
I guess I should start at the beginning of middle school. I was a bleeding heart a hopeless romantic. No doubt the result of puberty. I was ruled by emotion and less by logic, eager to love, and easy to hurt. I spent most of my middle school years in love with music and art, as well as women, while generally slacking on school work. At the transition between middle and high school I decided that I would give my parent's religion a shot, that lasted for a little while maybe 6 months, before I decided that it was bullshit. But while there, my emotions were defnitely being fucked with and I have to say I was a little delusional in my expectations of life and love. I got into drugs, trying to feed my creativity and right-brain personality, as well and trying to "kill" the religion that I had been brought up with. But things took a very drastic turn. I don't know what it was but I felt overwhelmed, all the time by my emotions. I couldn't really explain my thoughts or feelings but I felt suffocated. I think of this time in my life where my right-brain personality was completely dominating the left. After attempting suicide several times, I decided that I wanted to live. I didn't want to feel pain, so I decided that I wouldn't feel at all. Over the years I gradually became less and less emotional, shutting down joy, sadness, bliss. I became cold and calculating, and found fascination within science and the human body. I defined myself as a realist, nihilist, and had a very bleak view of the world, I failed to see any beauty or love and my face was often stoic and blank. People would often ask me why I look so sad all the time. I used drugs and my own imagination to personify my personalities. My left brain personality is described as a black and white ink sketch of my "ideal" self, while my right brain was imagined as yellow, like fire, often in the form of my present self or that of a female. Me, myself I imagined a hollow, like glass, and I was to be filled by whichever personality that was dominant, either the left or the right.In this period I never loved or lived, I merely existed. I was completely left brain dominated. And as time went by, nearing the end of high school and the beginning of adult life, I became afraid. I didn't want to change, becoming an adult was terrifying. I became more of a recluse than normal, I literally stayed in my room either sleeping, playing video games, or masturbating. My old friends faded away, and I became alone.Then I felt something strange coming on. Like a tick, something creeping in the shadows of my head. This lack of any emotional release I feel was stirring something unwanted, and I tried to ignore it. But I couldn't. Blood, gore, death, are the things that pre-occupied my mind, I began to watch murder and execution videos just because I could and I think I took an unhelathy interest in it. The thing that startled me the most is when I began to ask myslef, "I wonder what she would look like without any skin?" I felt like I was teetering on the verge of a psychosis, that all it would take is a little push and I would fall of the deep-end. The personification of my left became ragged and erratic, displaying the madness that I though I would eventually succumb.
Then I found this game. I honestly downloaded it cause I thought it was porn, and I needed strange stuff to whack to so this appeared to fit the bill. I immediately started to compare the bust/waist sizes of all the girls, to see which one I wanted to go for. But after playing just a little bit I remembered how much I loved to read and be immersed in stories, so I decided to play it as though I were there, "what would I do?". I was curious about Hanako, and intrigued by Rin, but I ended up with Emi on my first try, much to my surprise as she was near the end of my list of the girls that I found attractive. Everything was fine in that route, no real feels it felt like a normal love story, until after you try to get closer to her and you realize that she has a wall around her. This is where I connected to Emi, as I have and still do the same thing, I did it to keep out love and emotion, and anyone that wanted to get close, because they would just leave in the end. After finishing her route I felt strange. I didn't really know what to do with myself. But I figured that I would honor her and get off my lazy ass and do something. So I did. I hardly play video games anymore, which is a stark contrast to being able to play for 8+ hours straight, and started a workout routine.
Second path I got Hanako, I connected with her fairly quickly since I am also very shy and hate people. I felt sympathy towards her, I understood her pain. It moved me deeply when she divulges her past, and trusts Hisao enough to show her scars. Her path made me cry for the first time in a long time. After finishing her route I got Katawa Dick Syndrome, and that was close to 2 months ago. Zero sex drive.
After being confronted with the revival of some of my emotions after finishing these two paths, It felt as though the wall I had constructed had been weakend considerably, and I didn't know how much more I could take before it got torn down completely.
Turns out it wasn't long at all.
My third and final playthrough was Rin's path. The girl that intrigued me, made me laugh and smile, and was also on the bottom of my "sex list". But it turns out that that list means absolutely nothing at all.
Rin's path hit me very very hard. I connected with her because I saw my self in her. In her troubles, her problems, her thoughts. I've never connected with another person on such a personal level before, and I think that really made the difference. Even though I was very logic driven like Hisao, even though Rin's words don't really make sense, I still listened and they got through to me. It was like she was talking to me "Isn't a realist just the word a cynic calls himself?" "I've known you for 2 weeks and I haven't seen you smile once" All of this hit home, made me realize what I had become, they were relevant. I connected to her because I didn't know who I was, I was confused, constantly looking for something so that I could understand myself.I understood why she was destroying herself, because I have done the same thing, and it hurt so bad to see her do it. It hurt to see Hisao and Nomiya pressure her into something she never wanted, it hurt to see them hurt her. I experienced anger, sadness, joy. When she comes to Hisao's room and tries to kiss him, but he puts his hand up to block. "What? Why? I need you...." I lost it. I completely broke down. This route was, I can't adequately express all of my feelings and thoughts about it. But it changed me, it really did. For a week and half I didn't really know what to do with myself. My days comprised of sleeping, and thinking, as well as yearning and heartache. As she was destroying herself, she was also destroying me, it felt like we were in it together. And I wanted nothing more than to hold her and tell her that I understand, or rather show her. I fell in love with Rin, I wanted her to be real, even though I know she wasn't and that she never would be, no matter how hard I wept. I integrated her into my thoughts. She became an imaginary friend of sorts, I will often imagine her sitting next to me staring at the clouds, and we will just sit in silence. She gives me hope and gave my mind peace, she destroyed me, everything that I was, and it felt like I had to start over. I didn't feel like my left and right were in conflict after her route, it feels now like they are a mixture, a puddle. For the past couple weeks nothing seemed fun, and I went from someone who felt nothing to being on the verge of tears at any given moment. Rin and the music of Ks provided the only comfort for a while, and they still lighten up my day.
I also noticed the left-right brain correlation in her path, with Hisao being the left and Rin the right. I decided that I would also incorporate Rin in this aspect, I now see my right as being a sort of ethereal Rin, verdant green with blue hair. My left has also changed, no longer jagged and maddening, but smooth and reassuring. I don't feel like I'm going crazy anymore. Rin is the first person to ever break down my walls.
I feel peace, and I see the beauty in the world again. My left and right are balanced and I understand now that I will never really understand myself or why I do and think the way I do. But I learned that it's ok to be me. It's ok to feel. My view on women has also changed, I don't objectify them and I still can't look at porn. It feels, wrong.
Rin's path really changed who I was, but made me realize I'm still myself. It made me completely aware that I was a cold husk of a man, living a meaningless life, completely and utterly alone. It brought back emotions that I had suppressed for years, and made me realize I can't remember the warmth of woman's flesh or the feeling of a kiss. I want to change, even though I'm scared to death of it. I want to have a relationship with a woman, even though she won't be like Rin. Although I don't know what I would do if I found a woman like Rin. Right now I'm trying to piece together a new "normal". Trying to wrap my head around, this. But I'm glad I downloaded this game, and I never, ever want to forget it.
Rin Kin
I have a very strong Rin-bias
"Just be"
