Hello everybody, I would like to share as well.
I'm a 31 year old guy and my story isn't about heartbreak caused by a girl (I noticed that's something I can handle pretty well). I want to talk about a feeling I'm very familiar with, loneliness.
Just to clarify, I'm not talking about the state of being alone but feeling lonely even when being with someone. Until now I had a few girlfriends, I even was married to one for 6 years. Technically I never was alone, but I did always feel lonely.
Anyways, here's the background story:
I think that me moving with my mom and her new husband to a new county triggered my everlasting feeling of loneliness. I was ten years old when we moved to the Netherlands.
I was born in Poland, my biological father left my mother for an other woman when I was three years old. I never knew the guy and probably never will. After the divorce my mom kept her full-time job to generate an income and I was basically being raised by my grandparents in their big house on the outskirts of a small town in central Poland. During those years I never felt any motherly warmth and love. it was just my grandparents during the weekdays and my mom during the weekend. We never had a close relationship, and I think she never knew how to be a good parent. Looking back at it all I don't really blame her, it's just was the way she was brought up by her parents (my grandparents that were raising me now). Although lacking motherly love, I did enjoy my childhood. It was mostly spent on playing with my school friends doing fun stuff in the neighbourhood where my grandparents live. I was a reckless kid who liked getting in trouble. I also broke a few bones in my body ;-p, good times! I never liked the weekends when my mom always took me to our apartment which was located in a different part of town. I didn't have much friends there and I always spent those days alone. Even my mom now often tells me how stupid it was of her to be spending the days in the kitchen cooking in stead of doing stuff with me. Anyway, that was basically my childhood from till I turned 9 years old. Then my mother met a guy, a foreigner from the Netherlands. They quickly got married and a year later we moved to the Netherlands, I was 10 years old then. At first, the idea of moving to a move prosperous country sounded exiting and gave hope. It was the year 1990 and Poland was still a communistic country then, so life was hard. People were desperate and getting the chance of moving to a rich country was the best option one could get. I'm 100% that every adult thought so then, but not one adult wondered about the emotional consequences that choice would have on a 10 year old kid. It's hard to describe my feelings I had the moment I set foot in that new strange country. I was basically a cultural shock. I left everything behind, my childhood life, my friends, my grandparents, my home. I was in an alien new world, I didn't have friends, I didn't speak the language, I didn't really know this man that my mother just recently married and considering the fact that the relationship with my mom wasn't the greatest I had the feeling I was all alone.
Soon the summer holidays ended and I began attending a new school. A foreign school with kids' whose language I don't understand and don't speak. And although I didn't get bullied and everybody was very friendly, I always had the feeling like I didn't belong there, like I was different somehow. The situation at my new home didn't help much either. As it turns out, my stepfather is a selfish jerk with a big mouth and a short temper. Soon my mom and he started arguing a lot. I hated those evening when I could hear them shouting, yelling at each other and my mother often crying. At those moment I felt really lonely, scared and helpless. That's when I began shutting myself in my room, playing video games and subconciently building an emotional defence wall around myself. My situation didn't chance much in high school. I did have some close acquaintances but no real friends who I could trust 100%. I didn't let anyone get to close. It's was during my first year at the university when i started to get fed up with my feelings of loneliness. It's was then that I decided to go back home, to go back to my hometown in Poland.
In the beginning it was great! I felt like I was back and this is the place where I belong. I quickly made some new friends and girlfriend(s) as well. I really felt that for the first time I was able to open up to people and that my defensive wall I finally breaking apart. But, it actually wasn't...
You see, I was a college student then in my twenties. Al I did was party, drink beer, smoke cigarettes, flirt and date girls. I was seizing and living my life day by day (yes, Rin is actually my favourite KS character!!), but reality was slowly creeping in. I wasn't doing anything useful with my life, while everybody around me was moving forward I was just standing still. Like I said before I had a few girlfriends during those years, but I never let anyone of them get to close to me. I didn't want to emotionally get to attached to them. That's when I realised that I didn't really care for any of them, that I wasn't persuing a serious relationship. I was just looking for someone to not feel lonely anymore. My defensive wall was still there, strong as ever or maybe even stronger.
My ex-wife I met six years ago. She really is a sweet, helpful, resourceful although a bit naive girl. I never was 100% sure if I want to start something with her, but I gave it a shot anyway. We married four years later, I shouldn't have...
Our relationship lasted six years. We had lots of fun during that time, but there was always this feeling of loneliness in my mind. I felt lonely al the time. When we talked, when we prepared dinner, when we hugged, when we...you know;-p. I wanted to get rid of this feeling, but I couldn't. It eventually got so bad that I told my wife that's it over, that was six months ago.
So there you go, that's basically my story. The feeling of loneliness and the fear of getting to attached to someone is controlling my life. I like my job very much, I have a very nice income, great collegeaus, nice apartment, my relationship with my mom and even my stepfather improved dramatically, I have interesting hobbies, a few friends which I trust 100%, but I feel lonely and I don't have a goal in life. I continue living my life day by day and not worrying about the future, but is this it? Do I want to live like this? I do not know, that is something I have to figure out on my own I guess.
Well, that's about what I wanted to write. It actually feels good to write it don't and share it with someone. It turned out to be quite a long story, so I hope I didn't bore you much and I sure hope my writing is comprehensible enough, since English isn't my native language (that's Polish;-p!!).
Like I said in the beginning, I'm a 31 year old, single guy and my name is Lucas. My struggle in life is the feeling of loneliness and not having a goal in life. Do I feel depressed? Not really. Was I loved by a girl? Yeah, definitely. Did I love them back? I don't think so. Am I lonely? Absolutely! Did KS change my life? Well, not exactly change but it did help me realize my weaknesses and to acknowledge and embrace my dark side (yes, Rin IS my favourite KS character).
So there you go guys (and girls). That's all I want to say. Maybe you can recognize yourself in my story, or maybe you think I'm a heartless bastard (some do). But I'm looking forward to your replies.