Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Alexbond45]

I think this would be my first time ever saying this all.

I have been bullied throughout much of my school life. Because of how I look, because of how I dress. Things I could've changed, but I was me. During elementary and middle school, I was all but alone. I had at most, 2 friends, neither really that close to me, during all those years.

I was raised by my grandmother and my great grandmother. My mum worked too much so me and my brother never really saw her often. During my seventh grade year, my great grandmother died... 6 months later, in February, a month before my 13th birthday, my grandmother passed on, too. I was left alone. The people who raised me, whom I loved more than anything. The people who were my like my parents had died. Before I became a teenager, before I had my first girlfriend, before they saw me grow up, I was alone.

The first 3/4s of high school were as bad with bullying. To high schoolers, appearance is everything. Those who dress differently or aren't the same are outcast. I was alone again. But in my final year, I met two people who made me truly happy. I will love the time I spent with them.

But now, my friends from high school have moved on. I have few friends left, but they don't seem to actually care to be close. I see them once every few months, but I am alone.

But I am trying to live life. I want to make a change, so I can be happy.

You should do what your good at, that is what i will do, I am in high school, but for the most part, Bullying kinda just bounces off of me like a tank shell (yeah theres a bit why i'm bullied, im a bloody genious eh? heh heh)
My friend group consists of 2 Major friends and countless minours, cross that, THREE major friends. Also, I am in band, the land of social interaction, Band usually accepts you if your at least KINDA good on your instrument, you are usually outcasted if your just there to watch football.

Anyway, i'm feeling ya bro, Life is tough.

[Genesis]

Genesis, I understand how you feel. My parents divorced when I was very young, so my father figure was my grandfather. Even today, 20 years old and sitting in a tent in Afghanistan, I can barely think about him without tearing up a bit. He died before I graduated AIT (Advanced Individual Training) for my job, it always makes me sad to think that I wasn't able to come home to him a REAL soldier, or even come home at all before he died after I left home.

It's great that you made the decision to move on with your life, and do something with it. The only thing that can really motivate you is YOU. Something YOU want. Good on you for making that decision, and good luck in your endeavors. I don't know you, you don't know me, but you have my support.

I think he would have been proud of you. When one puts everything on the line for what they believe in, pride is a natural reaction by those close.

And thank you... as you said, we don't know each other, but it means a lot to know it, regardless.

You should do what your good at, that is what i will do, I am in high school, but for the most part, Bullying kinda just bounces off of me like a tank shell (yeah theres a bit why i'm bullied, im a bloody genious eh? heh heh)
My friend group consists of 2 Major friends and countless minours, cross that, THREE major friends. Also, I am in band, the land of social interaction, Band usually accepts you if your at least KINDA good on your instrument, you are usually outcasted if your just there to watch football.

Anyway, i'm feeling ya bro, Life is tough.

I, unfortunately, haven't found what I'm good at, but I'm still looking. I think one day I'll find what makes me happy, and I hope it's some day soon. But I am glad you know what you like to do, and I think that is what matters.

[Alexbond45]

I think it does.

Anyway, you need to find the right person, Life is a battlefield, don't let it beat you with a blitzkreig.
I really hope it shapes up for you.

[Beoran]

Libra, I know it may sound cheap, but I hope medical science will have advanced enough in 20 years to cure you when your disease strikes again. Life waits for no one, death is on our heels, but for most of us we can ignore it because it is still "far away". You sound determined to not waste any time anymore, which is a brave attitude. As for people walking on eggshells around you... I think was just because they didn't know how to talk with someone in your situation properly. Neither do I, I'm afraid. It can be hard to help someone without seeming condescending or aloof or it feeling wrong in some way.

Alexbond45, it sounds like you're getting a bit blue, perhaps a bit depressed even, so that worries me a bit. Lack of appetite is one of the symptoms of clinical depression. Whether something is interesting or boring depends mostly on your appreciation of it, and much less on the thing itself. So your feeling bored at many things could be a symptom too. Since you already have ADHD/ADD and may be on medication, I think you should ask your treating doctor about your possible depression, you may need a change in meds. For the rest I hope the rest of your problems will also work out, though I don't have much of encouragement for you there, sorry.

Genesis, thanks for your story. I'm sorry I can't really think of any good advice right now, I'm a bit tired myself. I just hope things will get better for you too.

[luketacz]

Hello everybody, I would like to share as well.
I'm a 31 year old guy and my story isn't about heartbreak caused by a girl (I noticed that's something I can handle pretty well). I want to talk about a feeling I'm very familiar with, loneliness.
Just to clarify, I'm not talking about the state of being alone but feeling lonely even when being with someone. Until now I had a few girlfriends, I even was married to one for 6 years. Technically I never was alone, but I did always feel lonely.
Anyways, here's the background story:
I think that me moving with my mom and her new husband to a new county triggered my everlasting feeling of loneliness. I was ten years old when we moved to the Netherlands.
I was born in Poland, my biological father left my mother for an other woman when I was three years old. I never knew the guy and probably never will. After the divorce my mom kept her full-time job to generate an income and I was basically being raised by my grandparents in their big house on the outskirts of a small town in central Poland. During those years I never felt any motherly warmth and love. it was just my grandparents during the weekdays and my mom during the weekend. We never had a close relationship, and I think she never knew how to be a good parent. Looking back at it all I don't really blame her, it's just was the way she was brought up by her parents (my grandparents that were raising me now). Although lacking motherly love, I did enjoy my childhood. It was mostly spent on playing with my school friends doing fun stuff in the neighbourhood where my grandparents live. I was a reckless kid who liked getting in trouble. I also broke a few bones in my body ;-p, good times! I never liked the weekends when my mom always took me to our apartment which was located in a different part of town. I didn't have much friends there and I always spent those days alone. Even my mom now often tells me how stupid it was of her to be spending the days in the kitchen cooking in stead of doing stuff with me. Anyway, that was basically my childhood from till I turned 9 years old. Then my mother met a guy, a foreigner from the Netherlands. They quickly got married and a year later we moved to the Netherlands, I was 10 years old then. At first, the idea of moving to a move prosperous country sounded exiting and gave hope. It was the year 1990 and Poland was still a communistic country then, so life was hard. People were desperate and getting the chance of moving to a rich country was the best option one could get. I'm 100% that every adult thought so then, but not one adult wondered about the emotional consequences that choice would have on a 10 year old kid. It's hard to describe my feelings I had the moment I set foot in that new strange country. I was basically a cultural shock. I left everything behind, my childhood life, my friends, my grandparents, my home. I was in an alien new world, I didn't have friends, I didn't speak the language, I didn't really know this man that my mother just recently married and considering the fact that the relationship with my mom wasn't the greatest I had the feeling I was all alone.
Soon the summer holidays ended and I began attending a new school. A foreign school with kids' whose language I don't understand and don't speak. And although I didn't get bullied and everybody was very friendly, I always had the feeling like I didn't belong there, like I was different somehow. The situation at my new home didn't help much either. As it turns out, my stepfather is a selfish jerk with a big mouth and a short temper. Soon my mom and he started arguing a lot. I hated those evening when I could hear them shouting, yelling at each other and my mother often crying. At those moment I felt really lonely, scared and helpless. That's when I began shutting myself in my room, playing video games and subconciently building an emotional defence wall around myself. My situation didn't chance much in high school. I did have some close acquaintances but no real friends who I could trust 100%. I didn't let anyone get to close. It's was during my first year at the university when i started to get fed up with my feelings of loneliness. It's was then that I decided to go back home, to go back to my hometown in Poland.
In the beginning it was great! I felt like I was back and this is the place where I belong. I quickly made some new friends and girlfriend(s) as well. I really felt that for the first time I was able to open up to people and that my defensive wall I finally breaking apart. But, it actually wasn't...
You see, I was a college student then in my twenties. Al I did was party, drink beer, smoke cigarettes, flirt and date girls. I was seizing and living my life day by day (yes, Rin is actually my favourite KS character!!), but reality was slowly creeping in. I wasn't doing anything useful with my life, while everybody around me was moving forward I was just standing still. Like I said before I had a few girlfriends during those years, but I never let anyone of them get to close to me. I didn't want to emotionally get to attached to them. That's when I realised that I didn't really care for any of them, that I wasn't persuing a serious relationship. I was just looking for someone to not feel lonely anymore. My defensive wall was still there, strong as ever or maybe even stronger.
My ex-wife I met six years ago. She really is a sweet, helpful, resourceful although a bit naive girl. I never was 100% sure if I want to start something with her, but I gave it a shot anyway. We married four years later, I shouldn't have...
Our relationship lasted six years. We had lots of fun during that time, but there was always this feeling of loneliness in my mind. I felt lonely al the time. When we talked, when we prepared dinner, when we hugged, when we...you know;-p. I wanted to get rid of this feeling, but I couldn't. It eventually got so bad that I told my wife that's it over, that was six months ago.
So there you go, that's basically my story. The feeling of loneliness and the fear of getting to attached to someone is controlling my life. I like my job very much, I have a very nice income, great collegeaus, nice apartment, my relationship with my mom and even my stepfather improved dramatically, I have interesting hobbies, a few friends which I trust 100%, but I feel lonely and I don't have a goal in life. I continue living my life day by day and not worrying about the future, but is this it? Do I want to live like this? I do not know, that is something I have to figure out on my own I guess.
Well, that's about what I wanted to write. It actually feels good to write it don't and share it with someone. It turned out to be quite a long story, so I hope I didn't bore you much and I sure hope my writing is comprehensible enough, since English isn't my native language (that's Polish;-p!!).
Like I said in the beginning, I'm a 31 year old, single guy and my name is Lucas. My struggle in life is the feeling of loneliness and not having a goal in life. Do I feel depressed? Not really. Was I loved by a girl? Yeah, definitely. Did I love them back? I don't think so. Am I lonely? Absolutely! Did KS change my life? Well, not exactly change but it did help me realize my weaknesses and to acknowledge and embrace my dark side (yes, Rin IS my favourite KS character).
So there you go guys (and girls). That's all I want to say. Maybe you can recognize yourself in my story, or maybe you think I'm a heartless bastard (some do). But I'm looking forward to your replies.
Cheers!
Lucas

[Alexbond45]

Lucas, I want to give you my favorite quote when it comes to being down

Never give up, Never surrender.

Sure, its a bit of a military thing, but always keep it close, its the kind of phrase that gets you through things, it helps me, and it might help you too.

Anyway, IMO I really think your biggest weakness was you don't have a good level of selflessness, your story makes it seem like you dont give enough of a damn for other people, that can lead to a massive downfall.

[Alexbond45]

Alexbond45, it sounds like you're getting a bit blue, perhaps a bit depressed even, so that worries me a bit. Lack of appetite is one of the symptoms of clinical depression. Whether something is interesting or boring depends mostly on your appreciation of it, and much less on the thing itself. So your feeling bored at many things could be a symptom too. Since you already have ADHD/ADD and may be on medication, I think you should ask your treating doctor about your possible depression, you may need a change in meds. For the rest I hope the rest of your problems will also work out, though I don't have much of encouragement for you there, sorry. \

Ive never been on meds, Simply enough, I get through school via interest, if it is interesting, I will do it.
also, I think I am generally a positive person, I have a soft spot for people who suffer in any way, because I really dont like to see people suffer ever, so I try to help, problem is, im never sure exactly how.
The reason I get through other classes is because Band is such a passion for me, I love music, and a part of me would die if i fail a class, ya see, Im in texas, the UIL Deparment states that failing a class=no leaving campus, as such, you get put in 3rd band, Im in 1st band.

[luketacz]

Lucas, I want to give you my favorite quote when it comes to being down

Never give up, Never surrender.
Sure, its a bit of a military thing, but always keep it close, its the kind of phrase that gets you through things, it helps me, and it might help you too.
Hello Alex, thanx for reading my story and relying:-).


Anyway, IMO I really think your biggest weakness was you don't have a good level of selflessness, your story makes it seem like you dont give enough of a damn for other people, that can lead to a massive downfall.

Well, that's the obvious concequence of my behavious. I'm fully aware of it though. I want to fight the cause of it. I want to be able to break down my wall;-). I haven't figured out yet how to do it.

[Alexbond45]

Lucas, I want to give you my favorite quote when it comes to being down

Never give up, Never surrender.
Sure, its a bit of a military thing, but always keep it close, its the kind of phrase that gets you through things, it helps me, and it might help you too.
Hello Alex, thanx for reading my story and relying:-).


Anyway, IMO I really think your biggest weakness was you don't have a good level of selflessness, your story makes it seem like you dont give enough of a damn for other people, that can lead to a massive downfall.

Well, that's the obvious concequence of my behavious. I'm fully aware of it though. I want to fight the cause of it. I want to be able to break down my wall;-). I haven't figured out yet how to do it.

Well I hope it Improves.
Never Give Up, Never Surrender, right? Always stay in there, To every problem ,there is an answer (except Chuck Norris )

I was trying to remember where i heard this, its from the 1999 Galaxy Quest Movie But still take its meaning

[Beoran]

Alexbond45, Well, it sounds like you're doing better than I imagined. as long as you're honest too yourself, and don't overdo it, it's good to keep that positive attitude.

Luketacz, I think it's sad to hear that it ended like that for you and for her. First of all, I hope that you have told or will tell this story you told us to her too. You accepted her love, but couldn't bring yourself to open up to her, or to love her. I also know it can be hard to love someone properly, to treat the one you love in the right way. I can only try to keep learning every day, and hope that it will be enough. Alexbond's advice is simple, but I guess it's what's needed: don't give up Keep trying, keep looking for different ways until it gets better.

[MrDogsniper]

Exbando,
I understand I am still a few years younger than you, and that it seems you are not visiting the forums anymore. But, as I read the older posts I found yours and it sort of touched me. It was like looking in a mirror it was pretty similar to what I am going through. I have about 4 friends all in the popular group, so I don't get to see them often, unlike you though, you had friends that seemed to always spend time with you. You know, compared to me your a lucIky lucky person. You had the friends that always hung with you. Since my friends arn't always around I get made fun of constantly and it angers me. At first I could ignore it, but then knowing I'm cornered by these assholes who make fun of me all the time is hard to ignore, its hard to ignore being alone while getting bullied and well just the other day I snapped and well yelled in the guy's face. Cursing, yelling, and approaching holding my own ground. But, now God it got worse, I guess I pissed them off. Its so much that I'm depressed, my friends ask me whats wrong, I say nothing. I want to solve this on my own, its hard. I feel like no one cares if I suddenly go missing, or... I think you know. I know how it feels to get annoyed by bullying and I commonly snap. Maybe that brings enjoyment to them. I don't care. But, luckily I have wellness, Pennsylvania state law, thank god. If it wasn't for wellness I may have terrible things on my mind. The quote that changed my mind was "Suicide is a permanent way to solve a temporary problem." Its true it is temporary I'll go to college and never see these guys again. The past two days I found it easier to ignore them. Life's good, I think I'll hang with my friends more often and hopefully make more. Hopefully you read this I'd like you to know that there is another person who cares and knows how it feels.
Since you stopped posting for a while it seems you felt better about your depression but if you don't hopefully you do feel better.
Nick AkA MrDogsniper

[MrDogsniper]

yeah and a song that always kept my hopes up for some reason was "Drop the World."

[Alexbond45]

Music has an odd effect on a person's life, which is why i think it is so important.

[Sin of my sins]

Okay, don't know why I actually bother to write this but guess I'll join the crowd.

Here's the story. There's this one certain girl I had liked for longer than I remember. We were good friends, always had fun together, often helped each other out and looked out for each other. My feeling were deeper however. I really liked here, beyond friendship, but I never could bring myself together to tell her. This resulted in us both having other relationships, her dating some other guys, me dating some girls. In the end, I rejected two other girls because I just couldn't bear the thought of being with any other girl in the end. Now there was this party, and one might say I drank too much and got 'wasted'. I remember spending time with her, but during some point of the evening I lost her, only to find out the next day that she had been with a close friend of mine, clearly to other goals as only to have a 'one night stand'. I really drank too much and remember crying my situation out loud to some of my pals, and do I feel ashamed for that :/

As can be expected, somehow the word went along that I liked her, and soon everyone knew about it. The situation now is unbearable: every time we see each other, there's a huge atmosphere of awkwardness. It's like we can't even be friends any more, which is stupid considering how close we used to be. I actually happened to hear when she was going over the whole 'me-affair' with her friends, saying that she was sad for potentially 'breaking my heart', and for rejecting other girls for her. Even so, she doesn't even want to talk this whole thing through with me anymore. One more reason being the fact that she now goes steady with one of closest friends, I guess..

The worst part of all is that her attitude has spread to her friends as well. Some girls I used to get along with really well ignore me for her sake now. I feel like such an outcast now. I also do regret rejecting those girls last earlier, since they seemed really honest about their feelings and were not too bad to the eye either. I guess I deserved that, in the end I was just being a big, selfish douche. It's funny how playing this game has made me realize how bad a person I was. I think that through my experiences and completing a emotional path in the game have changed me for the better. I just hope those close to me just are willing to give me another chance.

[Zurc97]

Sin of my sins :

I feel for you bro, I am not so our i can't relate completely but damn is it hard to lose the person you care for the most. In my case I was to much of a coward to even tell her. Even if we were in similar social circles I never got up the courage to tell her. It bothers me now and again but I figured I needed a new scene, or at least some different friends to hang with. Now that I'm in college I summarized I needed to focus on my future and all, so with diffent venue and different classes then my old social group I found some new people. I befriended a few and the fresh air of it did me some good. I still hold hope to talk to that girl I grew up with and tell her how much she helped me, of coarse this is when I am a stronger and better person overall.

Sorry for ranting on you but reading your post reminded me of things a few years ago. Hope it gets better for you bro, take comfort that hurt means your human so theres someone out there who has felt that way to.