Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Beoran]

There was something I read about a depression, that has helped me to cheer up:
"If the life doesn't make any sense, then nurturing a depression is twice as senseless".

Hm, that sound better in Russian, to be honest

Well it makes sense. It reminds me of what I think often: "I will die anyway. So I might as well live well before I die."
It's a weird sort of optimism born from pessimism, you could say.

[kotomikun]

If I'd feel better because others are having it worse, that would be in a sense "Shadenfreude", that is, taking pleasure at other people's pain. I think that's a loathsome attitude.

Yeah, that's probably true. I mean, I don't actually hear people trying to make my bad life seem better by pointing out worse ones all that often, but I end up thinking about that myself a lot because I have so much of a tendency to make things seem worse than they are.

Bullying is kind of an inevitable thing, I guess, when you shove hundreds of very different and mostly immature people together in a stressful environment (school) with far too few competent adults around to really do anything to stop bullies. I don't know if there's really a simple solution for it, but having more and smaller schools might help, since usually the main issue is that the bullied people don't have anywhere to go except the place where everyone is already ganged up against them. That's one of the main purposes of Yamaku, after all.

[Anon_Ymous]

Just gonna post my story here. Was trying to work up the guts and get around to typing it for a few days now. Got into a pretty... interesting fight with my mother, to say the least, some how convinced me I need to type this now rather than later.

A quick forewarning, this will probably be a mess of thoughts as I tend to go off on tangents frequently so this may be hard to follow, I may go and organize it though, we'll see.

So, I guess I'll start off with that, I had a pretty decent life at home, never really any problems, aside from the past year or two. I'm more of a loner type, not much into the talking or collectable card game known as "Friendship" that is popular in high schools, or so I've heard. I had a pretty uninteresting early childhood. Went to a small pre-k and later an entirely different kindergarten. This had very little effect on me, as I only stayed in contact with maybe one or two people from there merely because we went to the same schools together afterwards. Now, while I talk about my education up to 9th grade, as in, it changed in 9th grade, I went to private schools. And small, pretty crummy ones at that.

Anyways, onto the main portion of my life, the little private school I went to. It was a private pre-k through 8th grade school, and it was Catholic. It wasn't your stereotypical preppy, fancy school. About 150 kids attended, and it almost shut down once just because it couldn't get much funding and such. So I didn't attend until 1st grade, and from 1st to 3rd grade, I had it easy. I only had two friends, but we were pretty close. I'll call them Isaac and Andy for the time being. Well, I had a pretty fun 3 years with them to say the least, with no troubles at all, until around 3rd grade. My two closest friends decided they were more interested in sports rather than the imaginative type games we had played for the years previous. I tried to keep up, ending up in basketball, which was the sport they started, until 8th grade, though I was done by 4th grade, my mom made me keep at it and it is one of the things about her that I resent. She gets over involved in my life. But that is aside from my main point.

After this, despite playing on the basketball team with my friends, I made one, and later another, friend at school who shared my imaginative mind. We literally played a game where we'd play fight as anything. Eventually, a rather shunned kid, joined us as well, he was viewed as weird. I could've cared less though, as he had a pretty creative mind as well. That lasted about until 6th grade or so, when they'd both left that school. During these years, a Samoan kid with a mental handicap had enrolled, at the start of 3rd grade to be precise. He was picked on, a ton. By myself included for several years. He clung to me excessively, despite the obvious hate I showed him for about two or 3 years. The worst of it was in 5th grade. Basically, I bullied him, something that still haunts me to this day, but we've since become great friends, I guess, despite I only see him for about 5 minutes every week or two nowadays. We made up after 6th grade had started, and we were basically friends for the rest of my time at that school. I could never tell him anything or confide in him really though, as he never understood what I talked about, which saddened me. At one point, when two kids transferred schools who had known each toher, they were basically bullies. I stood up for this friend though, when they picked on him, as he usually took it and cried. That felt pretty good.

Now onto where my big life issues began to happen. I suppose you have had enough of my random ramblings about my boring early childhood. 6th grade. As I said, the two previous friends I had made had left, and Isaac and Andy were still interested in basketball, I wasn't, but my mom kept me on the team anyways, always saying "Just finish this year, then you can quit" which was repeated every year until 8th grade. See, this is what I mean about random tangents, I can't focus, I feel like Emi trying to work up to telling Hisao that spoilery, yet obvious stuff at the end of her route, except less working up, and more unfocused brain being unfocused. What I've been trying to get to though, is I made a new friend, who basically was the most popular in our class, and by the time we hit 8th grade, in the school. I'll call him Bert, for sake of his privacy. Bert was popular, and I was basically that guy that followed him everywhere who traded secrets with him and was the only relate able person he had, as we were the only two people that enjoyed gaming at the school. Well, anyways, I grew to trust him, my first mistake. Around early 7th grade, he basically told a girl I liked, that well, I liked her, and being as shy as I was, and thought I could trust him, it tore me apart. I held a grudge against him and well after several more complications between us, being the popular kid, he managed to get me exiled/shunned for all of 7th grade. No one talked to me, or even cared about me. I spent my free time at school pacing, while he was the center of attention among my class, which, consisted of 20ish 7th graders. Ya, so 7th grade sucked, I felt betrayed, and to be honest, I haven't trusted anyone since really. We sort of made up in 8th grade, my grudge and emotional scarring (semi-dramatic sounding) still existed, but we basically got back to hanging out, and he is currently my only "friend" to this day. As since then, my definition of friend is what someone would normally consider a best friend.

Another issue I feel to bring up about those last three years at this school was I was pretty bullied I guess... Never put much thought into it. I basically adapted my personality to keep from being a loner again in 8th grade, as while in 7th grade it was great for self-reflection, it was also pretty miserable. Anyways, at the time, perversion and immaturity were on the high, so I adapted to fit that role. Well, I grew popular and made tones of "friends" though I hated almost everyone. For some reason though, everyone joked about me being a homosexual. No idea why to this day. I sort of laughed it off, while still feeling rather hurt. I could care less if a guy said it, but when a girl said it, I felt it had more impact. The girl who learned I liked her, well I liked her up until 8th grade, and when she finally said I was gay... well, I lost it. I was heartbroken to say the least. So something stupid I did. I ended up bullying her. Yup, while I truly had no intention to hurt her, as I liked her, as everyone took things out on me, I took things out on her. It was mostly joking around, though I suppose that is a lousy excuse to try and cover up my mistakes. I felt it an even trade as she always said insults never bothered her. Well, we weren't friends after that, she fell in love with an actual homosexual, I didn't talk to her much, and have no clue how she is doing. I also feel I need to make the point of I have never been in a romantic situation, let alone relationship. I never got dared in the truth or dare to kiss a girl or anything of the like.

So after that painful and awkward time, it was on to high school. A public one at that, which was and is a pretty big culture shock, as my dad puts it. Tons more kids, the whole changing classes and teachers was a new concept to me, and well, no one I knew from my previous school went on to this school. So it was a fresh start, sort of. I still had my trust issues, my shy and shelled-up personality, and became paranoid as how others viewed me. I found myself constantly messing with my hair, as it stood up frequently, and I suffer from dandruff and acne. Ya, I was a mess... I couldn't take much for insults anymore, so I began laughing. At everything. Whether it was funny or hurtful, I laughed. I can't say I honestly know what true happiness feels like, as it has been a while for me. I've basically been pretty sad and depressed. I've wanted to cry, but that's been a while since it happened too. I am currently a lowly 9th grader, with a personal lunch table, and no friends. Afraid that if I reach out again, I will face the same bullying and betrayal that I once felt.

On a side note, I am only in 9th grade so I'm openly admitting I'm under the age to play this game. Another thing was... I do talk to people in classes from time to time, but these people know nothing about me aside from my name. My social interactions are usually me nodding, smiling, laughing, or shrugging, though I occasionally answer question. And another thing, this may have grammar and or spelling errors, this was typed late at night with my hands shaking like crazy.

Another quick thing before I hit submit, if for any reason, I offended someone, I'm sorry. I'm pretty bad with words and expressing my self. This being the first time I've told my whole story to anyone. Even this last note is going off topic...
I'll just leave it at this, I may have missed something, but oh well, too late now. Enjoy my long life story that I feel is now where near as terrible as some of your guys' stories which make me want to find where you live and hug you. Well...here we go...submit. Oops, forgot to answer the anti-bot question, that was anti-climactic... Here we go again...

[Zurc97]

Anon_Ymous: I read your post, and can relate to an extent while I don't know what your going through since that is only up to you but if may.

I was never conformable with other people being awkward and tried to make friends by eating with some new people and all, it didn't work out and was the butt of their jokes still one day I decided if I had to choose between being miserable with these idiots or being alone. Still I wanted to find a better way so I thought to throw caution to the wind and decided to find a better way. Being from a large HS they offered a variety of clubs/activities and decided to join a few that I thought interesting. Some worked out and proved fun, others did not. Still it put me in connection with people I wouldn't normally talk to. I didn't make "close" friends, mostly acquaintances but I did meet some people of subsistence who I did grow close with. Even after all that and graduating I never become close to anyone to still talk to any of my old classmates but It did feel good to know I was needed for something or another and the sense of accomplishment no matter how small when we did something.

Anyway Anon_Ymous I'm not offering a solution and pushing this on you, it's just I felt a node in my heart move when I read your story and reminded me of my HS time. Some things are out of our control and it might seem hopeless, but I like to think we can still have some power on how we look at our life and the world around us.

[Beoran]

kotomikun,

I think that you have a point there about bullying. School is very stressful to kids. The current school system with 1 teacher for, what, 30 kids is historically speaking much inspired on military training. It 's a way in which education is kept cheap, but it's far from an ideal system. I think classes should be no bigger than 12 kids, or there should be 2 teachers in every class if that's bigger. But it's not only the size of the school and classes, but sometimes, also the practical way in which things are organized. When I was bullied this was because the school hadn't properly partitioned the outside playing yard to prevent the big kids from coming over to harass the the small kids. When I bullied it, was possible I was put together against my will for lunch with girls from a completely different class that I didn't know, and I took out my own frustrations on one of them (since I only saw them at lunch, I didn't need to fear reprisals during normal classes). Those seemingly trivial things should be taken into consideration.

Anon_Ymous, thanks for your story. From what I hear, High School in the US can be a rough ride. For now, I think it's probably best to try and focus on getting yourself a good education and the good grades you need so you can go to a nice university. If perhaps you could look for friends outside school if inside school is not working out for you? Don' t worry about not having been in any relationship yet, you're still young. At this age, you should meet many different girls so you can figure out what personality you actually like.

As for you being underage to play this game, the age set there is there for legal reasons. Personally I think that what kind of game you should play or not play depends on maturity, not age. And I also think that games with loving erotic content are far better for teenagers than games where cynical violence is the main point, like say, GTA or Postal. Not that I mind the portrayal of violence in games, but if the violence is cynical, I think that's not appropriate for teenagers. I think that KS is not porn at all, but rather a game with loving eroticism. You sound like you're mature enough to understand this, and learn from the message that the game has. So if I was your dad, I wouldn't mind you playing this, in fact I would encourage you, and discuss the plot with you. In fact, I hope to let my daughter play this game, if she's interested, once she's mature enough to understand it. (Probably 15 after years so.)

[The O.H.L.]

Anon_Ymous: Try to find people you may have something in common with. Even if you just know them on a name basis, try to push yourself out of your comfort zone and get them talking about something both of you are interested in. Wait till they trust you and tell you something that they keep secret and then begin sharing what you keep to yourself with them. That is how I met and go close with my current friend group and it so far has REALLY helpful in building my confidence. People how seemed lonely did what I did and are now part of my friend group as well, because, well, I'm pretty loud and nerdy so they made friends with us. Find people you think may be similar to you and try, just try. If it doesn't work out don't take it personally, it'll be okay, there are ALWAYS more people like you and I.
Even though I have friends I still have problems that I don't share with people but I'm building up confidence to tell people and I don't think it would be hard for you too. But I suck with words so if I sound pushy please ignore that. Just advice.

[MrDogsniper]

This is just like professional help honestly, all people who are professional ask you why and how you should feel. You all have made me feel better because it seems that people from all over the world do care. Thank you all. I am going to make some good friends.

[Zurc97]

This is just like professional help honestly, all people who are professional ask you why and how you should feel. You all have made me feel better because it seems that people from all over the world do care. Thank you all. I am going to make some good friends.

I like how it's most likely true with the fact everyone one here is just another regular person. Living their life and taking some time to read and post on this board. It feels good knowing their someone to read our troubles, makes you feel less bad. Like nothing is lonelier then being surrounded by people and no one to talk to.

[Beoran]

Well, talking on a forum like this one is definitely valuable, but I wouldn't equate it with professional help. Certainly not in serious cases, and when you can get help from a skillful professional whom you trust and get along with well.

The OHL: I should also try to find more friends I think, although I don't know how I would start yet. Life tends to easily get me carried away.

[masuda]

i met my best friend thru an obscure little game that had a forum with like 20 active ppl.. so a friendship can rlly start from anywhere

[Beoran]

Heh, maybe I should become friends with someone from this forum or thread then. If they live in Europe somewhere close, I guess.

[MrDogsniper]

When life gets you down...get back up and look it in the eye.

[Anon_Ymous]

First off, I want to say thank you to everyone for reading that and responding, it means a lot. It was hard enough for me to work up the guts to post that and it feels like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

First off, in response to Zurc. I actually tried several clubs, they sounded interesting. One was actually architecture/engineering related, a possible path for my future. Turns out though, that club just threw you in and told you nothing about what you were doing at all. It feels like a ton of awkward kids trying to think of how to build something with no experience. And another thing, I guess I have "acquaintances." There are one or two kids that I actually talked a decent bit to in my Spanish class, but I only had one of them 1st semester and the other now is in my class for 2nd semester. They seem to share none of my interests though, as far as I can tell. I manage a bit of small talk between us here and there, nothing I could consider friendship by any means.

Beoran, I see what you're getting at. I have pretty good grades, to be modest. (I'm actually a straight A student, but that's not the point.) School and academics are probably one of the least stressful things to me. In terms of friends outside of school, I try and be as social as I can on the internet, but Internet friendships aren't always reliable. And "Bert" only lives 3 blocks away from me, so we do hang out from time to time. And I know I have a lot of time left. I figured, it would be best to get this off my chest and feel better now than later in case these problems ever escalated.
In terms of the age vs. maturity. I've always felt this way too. Especially in this day and age, the restriction doesn't seem to mean much, I've seen 10 year-olds playing rated M games, filled with blood, gore, and even sex at times. Something which they probably can't understand at that age, but I can never be sure. I always believed myself to be mature enough, not to sound full of myself or anything, around anything non-people related. When it comes to people though, I can get pretty stressed out and that builds up until one unlucky kid feels my wrath, something that I always regret later. My self-control can only last so long...

The O.H.L., I see what you are saying, but half of the reason I don't get out of my comfort zone is out of fear that things will just repeat themselves. Or I'll do something to screw it up. My self-esteem isn't quite up to par anymore. If there was an easy way to go out of my comfort area, I would possibly have tried it. Depending how much I wanted a friend at the time. This being one of those times, as it is much nicer to be able to vent to someone you know and trust, but with the accepting people here, I don't see any reason to fear posting something.

Side note: If my thoughts seem to feel split halfway through, it is probably because they are. I read the responses to my post the next morning, was reading them, and planning to respond to them as I just did, but only got a small bit of the way through before I had to leave for school.

Well, thanks again for the replies guys, it means a ton. Heck, I might even consider making a forum account now.

[MrDogsniper]

Anon_Ymous:
Yeah...I know how it feels, before my accident, around...2nd gradeish I moved to Pennsylvania where I currently live. Leaving my friends was hard but after enjoying the last half of my summer in Pennsylvania with my family it was nice. I arrived in 3rd grade and man was it a hell hole, no one wanted to be my friends, and I was completely lonely. Things got a bit better I made a few friends, good friends, then middle school hit. Wow, how people change, well, people started to ignore me more. 7th grade hit and half way through the school year, on new years, I was attacked by the dog. For the rest of the year I was treated well, probably because the people felt "sorry" for me. But, 8th grade made its way in, Jesus its like lets make fun of the dog bite now, and his height, oh and that he can't see anything without those glasses. Huh, good idea :/ . High-school came, not as much bullying...but just I got ignored like crazy. Thats my life now...huh. I manage as one of the only ones with good grades so I guess thats a bonus

[Anon_Ymous]

MrDogSniper:
There's two points to this post, one is that I just realized I can semi-relate to your story. The other I will get to, more having to do with some self-reflection rather than yourself.

First, in terms of how I can relate to you, as I believe even a small relation can help. Though I expect this will go off on my well known random tangents. Anyways...

I actually had a pretty bad dog experience as well. Nothing nearly as severe as what you went through of course, but I feel it, along with several other minor factors, affected me a bit. The story is, basically, I have a decent sized, loveable, smart, and occasionally annoying dog. One summer, it was hot. Ya, believe it I felt compelled to remove my shirt due to the heat, so I did. Well, then I got assigned to hold my dogs leash, and while being a relatively puny kid, muscle wise at least, I'm pretty tall, I slid my hand through the loop on the leash, so I wouldn't lose my grip. Well tat plan basically backfired. My dog caught sight of a cat and bolted, me with him. I couldn't get my hand out of the leash, so I tried my best to keep up with him. I lasted no more than 3 seconds. I tripped, and my dog dragged me a good third or so of a small residential block, shirtless, along sidewalk. It hurt, a lot. I basically cried, was brought into the house, treated etc. I also came out with a scar, a small brown splotchy thing on my right him, easily hide-able. So I guess I understand why dogs can be a bit nerve wracking.

How this affected me. Well, I've developed a paranoia about revealing skin, this being one issue leading to it. Basically, I always wear long pants, and a jacket of some sort, and closed toed shoes. The only bare skin showing on my body is my face, my hands, and occasionally my arms if I remove my jacket. What led to this, is a culmination of my eczema (dry skin condition thing), my acne, which encompasses my entire forehead (thank goodness I have decent length bangs) my back and shoulders, and the fear of getting a more noticeable scar from some possible injury. I don't really know where to go from there actually, just trying to relate a bit, because sometimes even small relations can help.

More on my self reflections now. I don't know who I am. As a person at least. If you ask me about myself, the only things I could tell you are the obvious, I'm rather pessimistic, I enjoy technology, and I'm shy. My interests are constantly all over the place, my current ones surprisingly being very broad. Them being reading, the computer, drawing/art (I am pretty bad right now, but I intend to learn), and exercise (which is another weak point of mine, but I also intend to work on it). I also like to write from time to time, more so as a stress reliever than anything, as I find myself to be poor at writing, despite my A in English class. I must be pretty harsh on myself.

Anyways, thanks for reading more of my venting. It feels nice to post something here, as to get the same result with a blog, you have to build up followers first, and even then, you may end up with insensitive people and/or trolls.