micechasekittens wrote:I doubt anyone would read this, but thank you to anyone who does.
I'm trying to make an effort to read all of the stories that come up on this thread. I think that the point of this thread is for people to share their stories. I would hope that everyone that comes here would read all of the stories, including yours.
micechasekittens wrote:I used to mirror Hanako exactly. Though I didn't have any physical scarring, my prominent nose was the center of attention. My peers teased me over it. Been told on a number of occasions when I was little that I'd be cute if not for my big nose. People wouldn't know my name but know me as the big nose girl. In addition, I was always teased due to being quiet and shy. I had rocks thrown at me, been bullied by teachers, and I never could make friends due to moving around so much.
I know what it's like to have been called names, but I never had rocks thrown at me. I don't know how to react to teachers bullying you. To me, they should lose their jobs for that. As for the moving around, I, again, don't have experience with this(although I did get transferred to a different school between the third and fourth grade).
micechasekittens wrote:When I was seven, I tried drowning myself only to be resuscitated back to life. That wasn't the last of my attempts. Every few years I'd make another attempt of some time leading up to my hanging when I was a teen (which I had blacked out from).
I've had thoughts of suicide, but I never went through with them. I'm not sure what else to say here, to be honest.
micechasekittens wrote:I fear no one will understand me. My few friends I lost due to being so depressed that it was all too much for them. I feel like I am hideous though I fall head over heels for girls that look like me, long hair, glasses, frail, small chest, and bookwormish style. For a visual image, I look a lot like Yomiko Readman. I only wear skirts and dresses due to wanting to dress as pretty as possible to make up for my ugly nose. Only compliment I receive is the fact that I'm only 50 kg (112 lbs) despite being 5 foot 7, this reinforces my disinterest in eating (my crazy metabolism burns off the two meals a day I eat).
Well, I think that someone here will be able to understand you. If those friends couldn't handle being around you, then I guess that they weren't your friends now, were they? If you do look the way you describe, then you are definitely not hideous. As for your disinterest in eating, I'm not sure what that's like. I am ALWAYS eating something. I even occasionally joke after a homecooked meal with my parents, saying something like, "Yeah, I'm full. Don't worry, though. I'll start eating chips in about ten minutes." I only weigh about 130 lbs at 5 foot 5 1/2.
micechasekittens wrote:I was always alone and, like Hanako, had my own games to distract myself when I began to feel self conscious and overwhelmed by the world. I loved going on the swings too and still do to this day. I would usually close my eyes and daydream I was someone and somewhere else. Needless to say, that got me teased a lot in elementary because kids assumed that I was scared. I just wanted to block out the world around me. Like Hanako, I retreated to the sanctity of the library. I had a spot right in the non fiction section by the books no one wanted to look at. Being a girl who adored archeology and history didn't win me any friends with my peers. My diary was filled with stories of my plush animals (collectively called the Plushie Brigade) and I having adventures together as they were my only friends. Leaving it in my open backpack in the second grade was a horrible mistake. At least they didn't see the diary I wrote years later about liking other girls.
I found that there is something about the swings that everybody likes. It's weird, isn't it? I do a lot of daydreaming as well. I think it's the only way I can stay sane when I'm at work. I tried to block out the world in Elementary/Middle school, but it never succeeded, and I never had anywhere to retreat to. I also used to have adventures with my only friends, but I think they were Legos. I tried keeping something like a diary at one point (Yes, I'm a guy, and I tried to have something like a diary. Sue me), but I could never think of anything to write that would even be remotely meaningful that wasn't just me complaining.
micechasekittens wrote:The most ironic thing is that I fear of letting go of my depression. It is all I know. I've never been a happy or carefree kid so it makes me really sad when I see kids running around so carefree and my peers telling happy stories of their childhoods. Who am I without my depression? It is like a comforting blanket which makes moving past my past difficult. I've made huge steps to no longer have as great as social anxiety. I can even joke about being the princess of social awkwardness now. I tend to push people away though I'm now accepting more invites and stepping out of my comfort zone.
I think that a couple other people were mentioning this in the previous thread. I think that it is something in human nature to fear change.
micechasekittens wrote:People think my seldom seen smile is really cute, but I hate it because to me it looks like a knowing conniving smirk like I had just slipped poison into someone's drink. I also hate hate hate my voice, it is a bit lower due to my big nose being broken when I was little so I sound chronically sick. People say I have the most soothing voice they have heard, a voice that makes them feel comforted and safe. Wish I could even kinda sing like most girls can which is why I took up piano, all it takes is a tap of a finger to hit notes that my voice never would.
I hate my smile. It always looks fake when my mom wants to take a picture of me, so I just go for the Stonewall Jackson look. One thing that I've noticed with voices is that they sound different to you than they do to everyone else (if that makes sense). I only sing when nobody else is around, and I always think that it might cause severe ear damage to those that hear it. I took up the drums in the Marching Band, but, as my instructors would be quick to tell you, I was not good at all.
micechasekittens wrote:I didn't learn to talk till I was 6 and was even being taught how to learn sign language. Sometimes I wish the doctors kept up that instead of persisting to help me speak. They didn't give up because one of my eyes had a super weak muscle and the other couldn't handle the workload. If I didn't get three major eye surgeries I would have been blind like Lilly by the time I was 10. These events contribute to my feelings of being broken from the very start.
I didn't talk until I was about 5. I knew how to talk, it's just that my "tr" sounds came out as "f" sounds, so if I said "truck" it would come out slightly different, and my mom and sister decided to not have me talk that much. This drove my dad crazy when I wanted cereal from the top of the fridge, and all I would do was point and go "uhhhh," since I couldn't reach. I think that has something to do with why I don't talk that much now.
I'm not sure if this really helped(I'm new to this "helping other people with their problems" type of thing). If something looks offensive, please know that I had the best intentions at heart, I'm just bad with words(not as bad as Rin, but still pretty bad).