Katawa Shoujo Forums

Micechaseskittens, one thing that struck me is how bad the schooling system was where you live (in Texas). I sounds like it's really sswarmed with rednecks. Here in my European country which I shall not reveal here I had a few mediocre teachers too, but nothing this outrageous. Some even cared for me but at that time I didn't care much for them anymore, so it was to no avail. In your case, at least one teacher seemed to care, but she did so in a typical redneck style. No sense of discreetness whatsoever. I hpe you find a way to live a life far away from such people.


Edit:
Moogledee, hmm, yes, I agree, I personally think it's harder to lose something you had, than it is to live without something you never had. In the last case, I yearn, but yI don't miss it. In the first case I both yearn for it and miss it.

I don't know for you guys, but as much as I like sharing stories here, I think sharing a bit more of our stories on MSN/Skype/Facebook or whatever would be more ''natural''.
I really would like to talk to you guys in private, I'm not good with forums.
And maybe we could start a Hanako's Broken Heart Club group discussion ? What do you guys think ?

If you're interested, PM me and I'll try to contact you soon!

To Beoran, Shilver, Hadokant, Moogledee, gRaViJa

I'm really thankful to you guys for taking your time to read and comment on my story. I feel that, no matter how many bad things fall on my shoulder, if I look at it with my head held up high, that I can travel to a better, brighter future with a smile on my face.

Hadokant, I haven't had much free time to read your story yet, I plan on doing so soon though. I plan on reading other people's stories posted here too. But I hope that you will find a happy ending as well. If it's not happy, it's not the end.

Although I'm young and, as some people say, not experienced enough, I would still love to give some support to all of you guys posting your stories here, before and after mine.

I did read NinjaHotline's story and although the feelings you had after what happened I never felt, I can only imagine how would I feel if it happened to me. Three and a half years, that's not a small time, and in that amount of time one can get really attached to another person. More than anyone else, besides that one person, can imagine. But I know that older people say that time heals all scars.

You said you gave her everything you had to give. Everything that happened, doesn't mean your all wasn't enough. To do a thing like that, giving everything you can to someone, is wonderful. World is a big place, with time you might find someone that suits you like no one you ever met. Never forget to give it everything you can.

I hope that everything will sort out for you and that you will get out of depression, to face the coming days with a smile.

I just finished reading a good deal of everyones stories, and even now it opens my eyes to see that the world is filled with unique people, all whom have their very own stories and very own experiences. Its a good feeling to see that, as the days slowly pass and I feel like more and more of the world is becoming gray, 'follow the system', 'obey'. Its nice to see a bit of human emotion plastered onto the walls of the forum, even if the contents are only there because the veil of the internet is present. I figure I could share a bit of my life on here, because I do eventually plan to write a book, at least I hope to bring my self to finish a collection of writings to establish something I can put on a shelf and smile to my self about.

So, here It goes I suppose. ( I do apologize for writing a novel here.. )

I was born on an island in the Caribbean, my early child hood was good, or so I can remember. I had two loving parents, a wonderful and relatively safe world to explore. Beaches and Small jungles of different trees and foliage, long sun filled days with delicate orange sunsets that casted shadows over the clouds that would mesh into a dark haze of red and pink. reflecting off the water to give off the effect of paradise. I was happy, I didn't know any better! My parents were happy. Life was good.

As time rushed by I started to grow up little by little. No sooner, things changed on the island I had grown up on, due to a physical assault on my mother, tensions raised about the more so 'native' population, and most of which were fairly rude to the white population (I have no comment on this being the case, Racism is bad, but It would be foolish of me to say it was unfair for us as a white family to have to deal with the occasional black person giving us trouble. Blacks after all have been ridiculed over the ages because of something as simple as the melanin in their skin.) Because of this, as well as multiple other reasons like me growing up closer to my grandmother, we moved from the Caribbean to the North-East, we happened to move onto another island.

I was unaffected by the move, I was friends with a lot of kids on the island, but...for some reason it never effected me as something I would miss. I was popular back then, I suppose. That all changed when I moved to the North East. I was put into a public school that was under development, and was in the process of constructing an entire new school. Most of this is a vague memory and is a blur to me. But for the first few years of me being in the school, I had trouble making friends. I was teased and looked at as odd, because of things like, not knowing how to tie my shoes, or not knowing how to zip up my jacket. Prior to moving, I had always worn sandals, and had never once wore a jacket of any sort. It didn't strike me as anything serious, I was just a child and my brain was aloof, I was just liven' life to the fullest, I was still happy, even with less friends. But as the end of the second grade approached, my parents were troubled by the fact my teacher thought I should stay back. My mother, being steadfast and rather...aggressive told the teacher off, and that I would not be staying back in second grade.

I didn't stay back. Which to this day makes me happy, It would've been strange, having to stay back another year and lose all the connections I had made with the previous kids, even if they weren't close, just because I couldn't do simple things like zip up my jacket, or really communicate to all of these new people. It was culture shock, but Inside my little head I played it off like It was nothing. I was still happy. Life went on. but, this is where things began to complicate as I developed.

Grade 3. I was a rather healthy kid, I didn't have any real issues with my health, or with my sociableness, I had a few friends, I talked with people freely, but I was shy. I picked up playing the Violin or one of the other smaller shoulder-instruments, but quickly lost interest. At home I mostly played video games and did homework, regularly getting help from one or both of my parents. I had a pet dog named Sierra, and she quickly became my best friend. As the year passed, our grade was to put on a play, something having to do with the Revolutionary war and the founding fathers, etc etc. It was a simple little silly-play. Like most lower-grades would have, nothing to serious. But...something struck me at this point in my life.

I was set to play Benjamin Franklin, At first I didn't mind, I didn't really care in all honesty! But...For some reason, something in my head went..wrong. My homeroom teacher, who was one of the nicest women I have known to teach suggested something to me in front of the other kids. And this was to put a pillow in my shirt, so I could be more benjamin franklin like, figuring benjamin franklin was a tad over-weight due to his delicacies in france. Something inside me snapped like a twig. It was the first memorable thing that affected me. And because of it. I quickly became self conscious of my weight, I looked at my self differently and felt almost bad for my self.

That winter I fell...into a slight depression, but I wouldn't call it that, It was subconscious. I spent my afternoons staying at home. Playing video games to take my mind off everything at school, and I chugged down snacks. boxes of crackers, bags of chips, I went at em like a shark. And within the time period of two or three months, I had gained nearly 30 pounds, as a child going into the 4th grade, time went on and on, and I was still happy about my life, I was a little dumb, if anything. I continued to gain weight, but not was quickly as I did that one winter, but when I first moved to the North East, I was as skinny as a pole, and after being in the North East, I had gained weight, and was putting more and more on as I grew up. (I was never really obese, but I was certainly chubby)

School days went, seasons passed. new kids came, old kids left. I traveled to the Mediterranean with my parents during the sixth year at said elementary school. I can say I lived a rather lavish life, I had good friends, I had another dog, named Scooter, Scooter and Sierra were by far my best friends at the time, my parents took very great care of me, and I have been fortunate for the longest time, and still am.

During the sixth grade my eyes were opened to the world of sex, girls, and relationships. I believe as far as I can recall, my first slap in the face was when, the school was selling roses for some sort've fund-raiser, and I had pulled aside one of the kids in my grade selling them to buy a bushel for this girl I liked. Apparently, the batch of roses had never got to her, because apparently their weren't any left. But, regardless one day during tech class, I believe the day after I had bought the roses that never got delivered ( >.> how I love incompetence ) they messaged me on one of the chat systems we used and asked me about it. I answered that I did, and after a moment she told me to come talk to her. So I did, we talked for a little bit and she was 'flattered' by the fact that I had thought of buying them for her, but she sadly told me that she was already dating someone, and that if anything happened I would be 'next' on her 'list'. I was young and dumb, so I looked at it as a good thing. 'oh great, well, i guess I sort've have a chance with a pretty girl'.

Days turned into weeks. and It dawned on me that I had been ignored completely, because after finding out this girl was single again, she had already been dating a close friend of mine for a little while, at first I was...confused, then upset, then I sort've just threw in the towel. It was something that confirmed that girls wouldn't like me because of my looks. Things went along as the teachers planned, and by the end of grade six. I had learned the curriculum but nothing much more besides that my self esteem was at an all time low. I began wearing cloths that were loose fitting and didn't show much of my body, Sweatshirts, baggy pants. I continued to gain weight steadily, and by now I was maybe 5'2" and weighed around 145-170 pounds.

I complained to my parents about my school, and the education I was receiving there. I didn't really like it. They looked into a different school, which I eventually ended up going to the next year. But that summer I had gotten an interest into playing guitar, and had been taking lessons due to my mother wanting me to find something to do besides video games. So I started taking lessons. And eventually my mother ordered a guitar, as well as a bass. I was looking forward to it. and the day I had gotten the guitar/bass I was happy, I sat in my cold basement where my sister used to live with us, and I played random chords to my mother. It was a sunny afternoon, and all was well.

(Here comes the waterworks as I write this)
Our next door neighbor came running over to the open doors to our basement ( I forget what the name of the doors are, but they're slanted down and lead to a staircase that goes into the basement from the side of the house.) He cried out to see if anyone was around. And my mother quickly stood and went up the stairs to see what the problem was, at first I wasn't sure what was going on. So I just quietly went back to playing my chords, looking down at the guitar longingly, hoping one day I'd be decent at it.

My mother returned rather quickly, and told me something that rocked my world from its foundation, I can't remember the words exactly to this day. But I can imagine they revolved around "They ran over scooter." or "Scooter got hit by a car." I blinked for a long moment and eventually put my guitar down, leaning it against what ever object I could, or against the stand it came with. I stared blankly for a long moment at the walls and the furnishing of the basement. It felt like ages, and I slowly peered down to see Sierra, who had always been my best friend. and instinctively I reached to hold onto her, and my eyes began to tear up, I shook my head and began to murmur soft reassurances to my self. "He'll be okay. He'll be okay."
Sierra most likely grunted and wiggled a bit before getting comfortable with my arms around her body, both of my dogs were cocker-spaniels at this time.

I was left alone, in my basement, starting to cry as I held onto my only true friend. I shook my head, I did so, over and over, I couldn't believe it, I knew he'd be okay. Dogs survive getting hit by cars every so often, don't they? I thought this was the case, I was sure of it. And I slowly made my way over to the bedding that my sister used to use when she lived with us. I lay back in the sheets and clutched the nearest pillow I could before my dog sat quietly down at the side of the bed, knowing something was wrong. Time went by, and I couldn't take being alone any longer. I ventured upstairs, but not out the stair-case that lead outside. I came up the stairs just in time to spot my mother, and our neighbors wife carrying the lifeless body of my dog on a boogie-board to the front stoop. The sight of this made my throat feel as though it was going to froth out of my mouth and my organs were going to liquidate. I had never experienced death in my life.

It took quiet some time, but eventually I ventured out onto the front stoop with faintly teared eyes and a shaky composure. I looked down at my mother who sat next to the lifeless childhood companion they had gotten a few years prior. She was crying. I was unused to this all, and my body tensed up, I couldn't feel anything but pure sorrow and despair. My mother made a call to my father whom was at work, and asked him to come home, which he did immediately. That wonderful sunny day ended, leaving behind a husk who the little boy that was originally there really was. I had been changed. We buried Scooter in our front yard, in a small garden area. The only thing we had to remember him by was a petrified lime, that my mother claims she had used to play ball with Scooter that final time before he passed away.

I was mortified for a long while, but as summer ended, I was introduced to a new school, and life began anew, I met new kids, and made new friends. I began playing WoW, sort've tunnel-vissioning my life's problems out by occupying my self with the game. World of Warcraft helped me get over Scooter in a sense, it distracted me, helped me grow and mature a bit. So, I lived that life, I went to the new school, I played WoW, I abandoned playing the Guitar due to the lack of ever wanting to even play one due to what had happened, We even adopted a new puppy whom is now named
Memphis.

At the end of 7th grade, I was forced to move again, and we moved off the island in the north-east to a nearby town on the mainland for my fathers work. I made the effort and continued to go to school every day in 8th grade on the island, taking a boat every morning and every afternoon just to get there and back. I traveled for maybe 3 and a half hours every day just to get there and back home. Via driving, walking, and taking the boat.

During this time Off island I began maturing to the point of sexuality and puberty. I learned what things turned me on, and how that felt. But I never went any further, as I was to afraid as to what would happen If I actually... masturbated, of all things.

We moved back to the island during grade 9, due to my father losing the job he had acquired for the short year we lived off island. We were lucky enough this time to find a house right on the coast that over-looked the harbor, the one that boat voyaged through every day to get from the island to the mainland. Because of the school I went to, the grades were set up 1-12 for the whole school, and for what ever reason, most of my friends decided to go to the high-school, instead of the 1-12 school, mostly because of the sports the other high-school offered. Regardless. I fell into a slight pit of depression, no longer having the friends I had because I was not willing to go to the other school, knowing it wasn't something I wanted. I enjoyed the school I had switched to, I wasn't going to throw away a year of me spending a quarter of my days traveling just to go to another school now that I was back on the island.

(( Note, this next bit is simplified, as I don't mean to literally take up 2 forum threads to explain out my life story up to this date. ))

I became depressed nonetheless, and I began to play WoW a lot more. I began RPing. (Role Playing)

As days passed I found my self craving pleasure, the sexual feeling of being aroused intrigued me. so most of this 'Rp' lead to ERP ( Erotic Role Play )

as I was rping, my character met someone else's one day, and we quickly became friends out of the RP, ( Ooc - Out of Character )
As time passed our characters fell in love with one another and I and the person behind the computer along the other end became friends, but we kept at arms length, knowing we only were friends because of the RP and ERP we preformed having to do with our characters. It was with this person I had ever gained my first climax from.

The art of literature and words, and the imagination had brought me my first sexual experience, which left me craving more. I quickly became addicted and began to masturbate to the point of self injury because It was the best thing I had ever felt since...being happy.

Things became unsteady with this person due to a few complications between our personalities as we argued multiple times about non-important things. In the end, I had learned a bit about being in a slight relationship because of the relationship our characters had, I learned from that, and I became more and more of an adult as I went through my adolescence. I and this persons friendship ended around the same time Grade 9 ended.

We detached and never really spoke again for quiet some time.

I gave my self time to recover from losing such a close friend, whom was my everything for nearly a year. The only person I could really talk to about things outside of my parents. I had no friends in school really, due to them all leaving to go to the other high school.

My life changed once more then, as I met another person on WoW, we began RPing, our characters were very unlike one another, and had only a little in common when it came to likes and dislikes, but they formed quickly into a rather odd couple. Complementing one another's bad sides fairly well.

Our characters got closer and closer, and eventually I and the person behind the role-play got closer and closer as friends. As time passed. I felt dependent on them. They were my best friend, the person I always looked forward to talking to. I had a strong bond with them due to the nature of our characters in games attitudes towards one another. we spent nearly every day talking or rping together. And one night, when I got home from my summer job I felt something click in my head. and...I was foolish enough to ask. I asked this person on the other end, if they had ever thought of being something more then just friends. If they thought maybe we could make one another happy? If anything, it ended with us crying like idiots over the uncertainty of it all, or so I was told they were crying. I know I certainly was.

I let the subject drop, I rped because it made me happy, it made me think of other things. crying over something like this wasn't what I wanted. So the weeks turned into months. We helped each other through the good and the bad. Reluctantly, I began falling in love with the person behind the character, some part of me didn't care whether they were male or female, whether they were white or black. What mattered to me was that they made me happy, and in return I made them happy. Or so I thought, I told them I loved them every night, and they returned the gesture before we would go to bed. I was lead on. lied to. It grew closer and closer on our 'one year' anniversary of being friends.

It would be soon, having learned from the person that they would be leaving within a few months to take up schooling as more serious to plan out their life. I...I didn't want to accept this, and I wanted to tell them how I felt. It took me three nights of beating around the bush with statements and questions regarding how they felt about me, and how much I cared for them. In the end. I told them I loved them. And I like to put it. I was taken from my perch and gently settled down back on my feet on the ground. They told me they were honored they felt that I felt that way about them. but there was no way they could love me back. Because of my age compared to theres. because of our genders. Because of what society would think.

It crushed me, I had spent a year with this person, whom I had never even heard their voice. Or seen their face. But I had a close bond with them mentally due to the story my character and their character had developed. Perhaps it was just me...But the bond was not shared. I was dependent on them. They were like a drug to me, They made me happy when I was sad. they talked to me when no one else would. They made me smile and laugh when no one else could either. I accepted this, for the time being.

Inside my head I couldn't believe they had no similar emotion to me. And so I made it a goal to try and help them realize that they were in denial. Our one year-friendship anniversary came and went. It was bittersweet. I was reminded as to how little time they would have with me soon. But because of my attitude and mind-set that he was in the wrong for lying to him self. We grew apart. I pestered, scolded and even lectured them as to why the outside world shouldn't matter when it comes to true love, and how shallow it was to think that because of who we were as people, that we couldn't be happy. They blatantly told me that there was no possible way for us to love one another equally, -Never- EVER. nothing more.

I gave up.

... The sands of time slipped between the fingers of what ever god or greater power looks over the entire existence of everything. And I found my self alone.

I had nothing more then my parents. And a small group of friends I had met on WoW, who I continue to hang out and play the game with to this day.

I've learned a lot in the past few years of my life. And I continue to be a very disgruntled and self-conscious shell of a person. I think of all the things that I've been taught by others, whether intentional or intentional. Is...

That the mind is a powerful thing, In times of need, it can portray false feelings and emotions.
Emotions and feeling that can make you happy, as long as you follow within the lines of believing what your mind tells you.
If you live the lie your inner-self tells you to. You will be happy, or Unhappy. Based on what lie it is.

I do appologize for boring you all with my story of online relationships and my oddly pleasant but eventful childhood

I moved 6 times within the past 7 years. And I've lost many of my close friends. But I trek on, living a legacy. One day I will stand as a statue that people will look up to, as Kenji wishes.

I also have to thank Katawa Shoujo for opening my eyes and heart a little, It's made me feel...better, especially in distracting me from the situation with the person whom I loved, but was never loved back with...

(Again, sorry for taking up so much space. )

Man, I might as well start a policy of giving spontaneous bearhugs to people who look sad, if it wasn't going to end with a knife in the ribs.

I thought I had it pretty bad. After reading everyone else's story, I feel like I had it pretty good and can't even bring myself to put mine in the same thread as everyone else's.

ALTHOUGH! Going on a post a bit earlier nobody noted yet, I would be happy to be anyone's friend. PM me and I'll give you the information for facebook, or at least my name so if you ever run into me, just mention "Hanako's Broken Heart Club". I sure could use a pen-pal anyway, being stuck in Afghanistan, and all the better if I can help someone else while doing it.


EDIT:
Yeah yeah, the chance of running into any of you is slim, but I've ran into people I'd have had an even smaller chance of seeing. Things happen. Never figured I'd have run into anyone from my podunk little town in the middle of Aghanistan, either.

@Wakagana - Thanks for posting your story - I read it from start to finish. First off, no need to apologize for the long post, I think we're all beyond that point in this thread. Like you said, it's really quite amazing to see so many different people with such varied backgrounds. For example, I can't imagine what it must have been like to have had to move so often in such a short span of time. It takes me awhile to adjust to new people, nevermind a whole new community after moving. I probably wouldn't be able to manage that. Aside from that, I think I can relate to you pretty well in some ways.

One of the relationships I had in the past was through Star Wars Galaxies (RIP) and it continued and grew when we sitched to WoW. It's... difficult sometimes when you want to convey so much and be limited to what you can think of typing out. Along with that there's the sense of dread and paranoia associated with someone not logging in for whatever reason. I remember really freaking out over an internet outage on the other person's end. All sorts of horrible situations and scenarios just ran through my head. Combine that with a time zone difference of 8 hours and yeah, you get the idea.

I've also felt that (and this is putting it lightly) sting of unrequited love and it's something else. First the uncertainty of whether or not to confess is there, then after being rejected it weighs a bit on the soul. From that point afterwards you're given a choice, "Do I step up and challenge what they already have, or do I back off and let it be hoping one day they'll come to me?".

Still though, the important thing is to keep trekking on - but you know that already. When you (or everyone else here) needs to vent. that's what we're here for.

@Wakagana: I was in an online relationship (if you can call it that) before. It was in middle school over RuneScape. I don't think it lasted longer than a week before we were never online at the same time and I just forgot what the username was.

@kushiro: I feel like my story is actually pretty tame compared to the rest of the stories that I've read. If you feel the need to tell someone your story, we're all here ready to read it.

@DoppelGanger: I think that is definitely worth a shot. I'm not sure how it would work, though, considering FaceBook is pretty much a forum sometimes, I haven't used my MSN in who knows how long, and I've never used Skype. (Edit)Also, time zones would make things a little bit more difficult to arrange times to meet.

If you really wanna have a place to talk, I think the best solution would probably be irc, I don't know how to set it up, but if someone knows, it's really easy to get going

Wakagana:

In my university time, I played a lot of MUD's. These are text-based online games, sort of the predecessors of the MMORPG's of today. And I learned something important from this: online games are a HUGE waste of time, and it's hard to stop playing them, since there is no end to the game. You just keep on playing, even if they're not that much fun. Offline games all have some ending, you end up bored, with them in the end and eventually stop playing, so they're much "safer" in a sense. Also, online games are sually a very bad place to meet people. I have met people on the internet that I also was able to meet in real life and really hit it off with, but never by ways of an online game. People there are just there to play, not to meet people. There's better places to get to know people, even a forum like this one can work out, in my experience.

Anyway, I hope things will go better for you from now on.


Danyo,

I created a channel called #hanakosbrokenheartclub on freenode.net. If it's not there when you look for it, feel free to recreate it there. We can probably chat there too. I think a forum thread like this is nice too since it allows people to think about their story and write it out all at once. Forums are also quite accessible, I feel, and easier to find by web search, etc. So I think it's nice to keep this thread alive as long as it's useful to someone.

I'm there right now, too, if someone cares to join

I wrote a thread really recently sort of with this idea, and now i'm really embarrassed that i did without seeing this first . I apologize if I sound shallow or naive. If i sound like I haven't seen half the painful things life has to offer. I haven't had any crippling physical disabilities. I'm not bullied in school. But, in the present right now, I find myself depressed.

Even if my reply isn't quite as long as his, I guess that it 'd be a lot easier to convey my thoughts if I started with a little life story like Wakagana.

I guess my early years were the happiest. Ever since the 2nd grade, when I'd first been identified as a "gifted" student, I had high expectations of myself. Everything in class came very easily. I guess this could've also been progressed by my parents, who I guess you could categorize as "High-Expectations Parents". I never had to try. Because of this, I, being a naive 5-7 year old, always thought that I was something special. From a young age, I was already thinking about my future, and my significance. I would never be satisfied dying as just another average man. I wanted to make my mark on the world. Even when I was just 7, I wanted to be in the history books. to make sure I wasn't ever going to be forgotten. This was my sole source of pride for most of my life so far. I also discovered anime for the first time in my life when I was 7, as I watched my first episode of Naruto on Cartoon Network at my friend's house. Little did I know how integral anime would actually become to my life. I was happy. Every day at recess, I would hang out with one of my two groups of friends, one just being all alone, one led by a "leader" kid, and another with just two other kids.

Some things changed in 3rd grade. i finally began to really get into anime (I remember I was watching Shippuden on youtube at least once a day now). One of my friends from my three man group moved away (he called once a year later, and I haven't heard from him since), and he was quickly followed by the other. My lone friend managed to make his way into another little clique, who's "leader" I didn't really get along with well (A little 3rd grade rivalry over a friend). My other group sort of stayed the same.I began to gravitate towards that group a bit more now that the other two were gone. Yu-Gi-Oh was all the rage back then, so we had plenty of those, and everyone always crowded around the kid with the gameboy playing pokemon. I slowly began to notice that I started becoming the butt of the group. Even though this was just the third grade, and that didn't mean much back then, I began to realize that a lot of the time I was simply left out of the loop. Sometimes when the "leader" made unfair rules, I always tried to challenge them to no avail. When my friends had to make a choice between me and someone else, I never really seemed to make the cut. Life went on, though. I believe that this was also the year my brother headed off to college. He was 10 and a half years older than me, so i guess some of his maturity stopped us from arguing very often. Occasionally, when he had time, he'd hang out with me, but usually, he just shooed me away and instead met with his other friends or worked on his high school homework. I still looked up to him a lot, though. I really appreciated him. It was a slightly painful goodbye, knowing that he would'nt be at home anymore, but my family expected that he'd call regularly, so it was ok. Things were slowly changing, but life went on.

4th grade was one of my most painful years. I noticed social structure in my school taking on a lot of changes. The "leader" from my previous years wasn't the popular one anymore, a new kid that'd just moved in was the center of attention now. I took up swearing a lot. I just did it to sort of fit in. Somewhat humorously, I'd been a frequent cusser by the second grade, following, my first discovery of swear words, but I stopped for a while in the third. By now, being the "butt" of the group was getting to me. I said that I was depressed. Even that I wish I could kill myself. Now, don't misunderstand, I didn't get my emotions at that point. I just wanted attention from the people in my life, both my friends at school and my parents. Being naive as I was, I thought that I could gain sympathy, and thus attention, from the people in my life by saying these things. I was wrong. At one point, I told my parents that I was sad, and that I felt depressed. They brushed it off like it was nothing. They called me lazy. Once, I even heard my mother taking about it to her friend at a dinner we were hosting, as if it were some sort of joke I was pulling. I told her that I was hurt that she'd treat something like that I'd said the way she did. She just replied to me in the same tone, not adding an ounce of seriousness to the issue. My friends didn't care either. They thought it was novel, that one of their classmates would think this way. I should've known that ten year old wouldn't be mature enough to appreciate this kind of emotion. One of my friends even blurted my suicidal ramblings out in the presence of a teacher. This subsequently led to a meeting with my father and a school guidance counselor. During the meeting, I still didn't reveal my true beliefs and feelings. Later, my parents started sending me to a psychiatrist about my problems. She used some interesting ways to coax out my emotional state. "Draw what you think of your family." "Draw what you think of yourself." Sometimes we'd even just play a game or discuss our lives. To be honest, I didn't really feel any changes from these meetings. Besides existing as a bit of a novelty to liven up my Saturday, they meant nothing. I'd also begun to think less of my parents. How could they just let their child's depression go? Why didn't they take it seriously? I dwaddled in the idea of suicide quite a bit. How easy would it be to believe that people would start caring about you if you just went and hung yourself? Maybe they'd feel bad about treating me the way they did if I was just gone from their lives. My brother was calling less and less too. He'd begun to accrue greater and greater amounts of debt while in college. My parents tried to pay some of it off, but it was difficult without being in contact with him. Eventually, their relationship with him grew more and more strained, and more and more distant. At first I missed him, but then I grew accustomed to his abscence. I'd begun to grow more and more dependent on anime. It inspired me. When I saw the heartfelt plotlines of anime like One Piece, I felt like I could just shut the world out, and I could just live in the animation. I spent longer and longer each day watching anime. 4. 5. 6 hours a day. I remember that once my father tried to confiscate my laptop to curb my behavior. Now I can understand how he felt. After all, 6 hours a day doing anything is pretty excessive. What I can't forgive him for though, is that he never tried to understand my emotions. I tried to tell him how emotionally dependent I was on anime. He didn't care. I've always disliked my father. Whenever he makes an attempt at discipline, it's always out of anger. He's rash, stubborn, and unreasonable. The only reason I tolerated him was that he made money for my family, and my obligation to him as a relative. I never respected him as a person. In spite of all this, I managed to tough it out. During the summer, I would watch anime every single minute of the day. My parents were always at work, so they couldn't really do anything about it. I barely visited friends. None of the kids in my clique lived nearby, so I couldn't just walk over to their houses often. In this environment of isolation, I felt my depression fading away. I didn't have to worry about others. i could just surround myself with my anime and its characters.

Eventually, the summer passed, and I began the 5th grade. I made new friends yet again. We always acted like younger children, having trivial arguments of who was who's best friend, among other things. It was blissful. I began to forget about my harsh experiences from the previous year. It was completely and utterly blissful. My anime addiction was fading as well. Without being threatened with any serious emotional issues at that time, my dependence on it grew thinner and thinner. i'd pretty much just stopped watching it entirely. Life at home stayed the same as before. My relationship with my father was still strained. Because I couldn't really communicate with my father, i ended up relying on my mother for most things. She was the only real company I had at home. Sometimes we would talk about politics or philosophies. But now, I wouldn't share any of my emotions or anything concerning my social life with her. I still hadn't forgotten my experiences the year before, and how she'd abandoned me. My brother still didn't call very often. Occasionally we visited him. Those occasions were fairly pleasant. Seeing him still made me happy. I met some of his friends there, and I got to experience some of New Orleans, the city where he went to college. I guess this would be one of my more peaceful years.

6th grade was an awkward experience for me. In my school district, 6th grade is the first year in the middle school. All the former elementary school students merged into one, large middle school. Social groups were changing again. Some cliques from different elementary schools joined together, and some kids who were on their own before joined others to make new groups. In general, most people used this opportunity to make new friends. I made a few my self, but only because they were acquaintances of my other friends. No matter what, the bonds between my friends were always stronger than their connection to me. One of my 2nd grade friends, who had moved away before and recently returned, had grown closer to another one of my friends he hadn't known before and left me behind. I still remember that in 2nd grade, he was a fragile person. i used to always be there for him when he needed me. Now, he was distant. he'd changed a lot since our last meeting. He seemed more confident in himself. he'd also adopted a fairly vulgar form of humor. I tried to adopt this as well, but it didn't quite work out right. He was disgusted by me. I tried to mend our friendship, but it took time. Eventually, even when we did come back together, it was never the same. We grew distant. Unlike before, we didn't count on each other to support us. He'd made plenty of other friends, some of which he no doubt placed higher than me. The 6th grade in general was a time of social upheaval for me. I felt a bit socially awkward. I always tried to come across as knowledgeable and intellectual with a casual tone, but now that I think back to it, I probably came across sort of oddly to other people. My depression started to ease its way back again. I began to grow more and more distant with my 5th grade friends. Maybe we'd say hi every now and then in the hall, but we never really hung out together anymore. They found their own cliques separate to mine, and we simply went our own ways. Now, I was back to being the 3rd wheel. The unwanted extra. When my lunch table was full, I was the first to get kicked out. When we got split into pairs in class, everyone had a group with a friend but me. I had to work with someone out of our circle, as I was the remainder. I remember that once, when the teachers had to split us into groups for a field trip, they'd said that they'd tried their hardest to group us with our friends. While all my other friends seemed to be happy with their partners, I had been placed with some minor acquaintances that I'd only worked with a few times. This simply confirmed my previous beliefs. Now, whenever, I had bouts of depression, I tried to make it visible, in hopes that someone would try to comfort me. My friends did, but only for a bit. They thought that "I just wanted to be alone." In 5 minutes, they'd be back doing whatever they were before, leaving me in my state. However, I still didn't return to anime. I was afraid of becoming dependent on it again, and spending my entire waking existence watching it.

The 7th grade brought about other, new changes. I'd begun to grow closer to one of my friends. Unlike the others in my clique, he never saw me as a 3rd wheel. I was just as much of a friend to him as any of his others. We hung out more and more often. Him being Russian and me being Chinese, we'd always joke about our communist pride and our loyalty in our motherlands. It sort of brought about a sense of brotherhood between us. I knew that he wouldn't ever give me up in favor of more confident and popular friends. He appreciated me for who I was. he also talked casually about his family a lot. I was a bit envious of him, being so close to his parents. However, my life wasn't without conflict. i began to distance myself from some of my other friends. This time, it wasn't because they didn't value me, but it was that i didn't value them. I was shocked at myself. Whenever I would speak with them, i would condescend to them. I couldn't see them at an equal level. Shockingly, I even saw myself in some of them. One of those friends was trying to sound casual, yet intellectual at the same time, just like I had in the 6th grade. I had always seen it as very awkward, and even somewhat ignorant. This forced me to lower my self confidence. Seeing as how I was this exact same way before, I tried to carefully scrutinize my behaviors and mannerisms now to make sure that I wasn't repeating my mistake, and to make sure that i was coming off as normal. One of those friends also seemed unusually attached to me. As we were both Asian and somewhat geeky, people seemed to absentmindedly group us together. I hated this, as i wanted to be defined by myself, and not my friend. I felt that people would project however he acted onto me. I wanted to feel independent. I was also beginning to sicken myself at how I thought about these friends. I tried to push them away in order to spare them from my mental insults. I didn't want to pity them and keep them with me. In my beliefs, pity is worse than any insult. It suggests that people can't stand up for themselves. However, they didn't get my subtle suggestions and kept trying to stay with me. This was especially painful. This also made me think about my other friends. Unlike me, who'd tried to drive people similar to myself away, they stuck with me. I came to realize that they were stronger than me in this aspect. i also began to see myself in the same light as the friends i drove away. I lost more and more confidence in myself. In the 7th grade, I had one of the most amazing language arts teachers in the world. She brought a certain enthusiasm and charisma to the class. Everyone loved her. She never gave up on her students. She'd always do her best to make everyone succeed. When I felt overwhelmed, she tried to accommodate my needs, and allowed me to turn in one of my assignments much later than anyone else. When she saw me dealing with emotional problems, she tried to help me. Of course, I never revealed any of my thoughts to her. I couldn't predict how she'd react. As time went on, however, I noticed that things weren't as they seemed. At the end of the year, our school always has awards ceremonies, where teachers give out awards to students with high GPAs, most improved, positive attitude, etc. etc. When the ceremony came around to subject awards, the teacher gave me a language arts award. It wasn't some astronomical achievement, but I appreciated it. Then I looked at the award itself. On each certificate, a reason was given as to why the said student deserved an award. Mine said "most improved". I was shocked, and disappointed. All along, that teacher had been pitying me. The reason she helped me with so much was because she felt bad for me. For the entire year, I'd thought that she'd respected me for my thoughts, and my depth. In class, I'd always try to make insightful comments on political and philosophical issues. But, in the end, she just saw me as a charity case. This was also the year my brother graduated from college. Due to the economic recession and thus his inability to find work, he moved back in with my family. Since we'd last met, my opinion of him had changed. Before that, nearly every day at home, my parents would rant about how lazy he was and how he wouldn't even lift a finger to pay his debts. Now, I didn't just believe anything they said. I've already made it clear that I don't even respect my father as a person, and when my mother's angry, she'll just incoherently rant, completely disregarding how horrible the things she says are, until she's satisfied. However, I couldn't help but wonder, why couldn't he just pay off that traffic ticket before it's fine began to multiply? Why couldn't he just go to court and settle his insurance problems? He just seemed so apathetic about his life.When he finally moved back in, I wasn't sure what to think. Now that I finally saw him, he seemed to have fallen apart. Sometimes, he even seemed like just a husk of a person. Every day, he'd just sleep, drink, smoke, and watch television serieses he had downloaded onto his mac. How could I look up to him anymore? I just couldn't see him the way I did before any longer. During the summer, I met with my friend who'd previously given up anime. We were going on a trip to Yellowstone national park together, just him, me, and my parents. During the trip, he told me that he'd begun to watch anime again. After watching a couple old One Piece episodes again, I fell back into the habit. I rediscovered why I had cherished it for so long. This is what I needed now. When my friends weren't there for me, I'd always have anime.

I'm in 8th grade now. I've begun to realize more and more that my friends really don't care about how I feel. I'm just someone to talk to to them. They wouldn't invest anymore than 5 minutes in my well being. Sometime I just think my life is a great big fake. Almost all my friends are pretty much just that. Fake. Just a bit ago, the girl who's friendship i'd fought so hard to regain the year before and I ended our friendship. One day, I was having another bout of depression. That was the day I realized that everyone that pretended to care about me was fake. I cried for the first time in a while that night. During that day, I'd ignored her when she was trying to console me. She threatened to simply ignore me from then on if I didn't answer her. At the time, I was too lethargic to try and do anything about it. Later, when it was over, I tried to talk to her again. She actually just ignored me. As if she didn't even remember how she'd tried to comfort me in my depression recently. I tried to apologize, which i already thought was outrageous, but she continued on. I was starting to think my previous thoughts of how my friends were fake was true. Later, she said that she'd forgiven me. At that point, I didn't even bother with her. How could she have just given up on me like that, when I'd tore my heart out the year before for her forgiveness? I told myself that if she apologized, and that if she could show how much my friendship meant to her, I'd be moved enough to accept her as a friend again. She continually tried to find out why I wouldn't accept her forgiveness. i waited for her to complete my objectives. Then, at one point, she said, "I have better friends than you, and I've already replaced you as a friend, so keeping the reason you won't accept my forgiveness won't hurt me." I felt as if I'd been shot. She'd just told me what I'd been suspecting for years was true. if there was any hope in my heart that the reasons for my depression were wrong, and that my friends truly did value me, it died right then and there. From that point, I knew we couldn't be friends anymore. The sad thing is, this is probably how my other friends are as well. They just haven't gotten an opportunity to blurt it out like this girl did yet. From this point on, I began distancing myself from all my friends again, now more so than ever. Some days I could hide it. I could pretend they were all genuine. I could talk with them. But some days, it was just too much. I couldn't bear to even look at any of them. Again, they'd try to console me for a few minutes out of some twisted sense of obligation or pity they might have, and simply leave me a few minutes afterward. Now, I occasionally meet my 7th grade language arts teacher in the halls of my school. I can barely even look at her. She's still as upbeat as ever when she says hi, but I can't see past her true thoughts about me. Sometimes, my friends all go eat lunch in her room. I can't bring myself to join them, so I sit at our lunch table, alone. My Russian friend, who seems like the only genuine one i have, seems to be slowly growing apart from me. With my week's schedule and homework, we don't get to hang out as often. I've coe to realize how alone I am. The vast majority of my friends are just fake. Their relationship to me has no substance. I'm too distant from my parents to tell them about my troubles. I can't even trust my friends that do seem genuine. I don't want to be proven right again, in the instance that they truly stop caring. A little while ago, I started thinking about killing myself again. How everything seemed pointless. There's no way I can change my situation now. Anything I say would be useless, even if it moved people to tears. You can't change how people feel with some simple speech. They need to change on their own. I felt hopeless. Then, just recently, I started watching the anime Clannad again. I remember I started it a long time ago, but for some reason, I stopped watching it. By the end, I was truly moved. To be honest, the scenes where Tomoya meets with his father really hit a nerve. It confused me for a bit. I had to reflect back on my own relationship with my parents. Then, an incident occurred, and I was reminded of why I held the beliefs I did about my parents. Our standing hasn't changed. But, the fact that Tomoya and Nagisa were able to find love and support each other in overcoming their demons changed me. I found that this was the kind of happiness I desired. Someone that would go as great of lengths for me as I would for them. Someone who I could trust with my fears and insecurities, so that i wouldn't have to stay silent. Someone who'd lend a shoulder for me to cry on when I needed to. I realized that I had to keep living on. I have to ride on this hope of finding happiness until i achieve it or I die. Now maybe I'm hoping a bit too much. Maybe happiness like this just can't exist in reality. But I have to believe in this, or i'm as good as dead. This is how I can live now. A bit later, I found kawata Shoujo. This seemed to have a similar effect on me as Clannad. It invigorated this hope. I know it's not reality, but i have to hope for it to come true one day for me. Strangely, I seem to project myself more on the girls than Hisao. I realized that Emi had secrets that she couldn't bring herself to share with anyone else. I found that like me, Hanako always found it hard to trust others. And yet, each of them found their own happiness. I've been inspired by this to keep on living. I'll treasure these memories forever. Recently, my not-so-lone-anymore friend from kindergarten celebrated his 14th birthday, and he'd invited me to his party. By now, I've stopped having birthday parties. I feel to distant from most of my friends to choose who I want to invite, and I'd rather not let them see my parents either. I felt very conflicted about going. After all, I'd intentionally distanced myself from him for a long time. In a sense, I'd abandoned him. I wasn't sure what would happen. However, his mother welcomed me into their house just as she had before, several years ago. He himself hadn't changed much. The party itself wasn't too big. Just a couple of his friends playing video games and watching tv for an entire night. However, it brought back a wave of nostalgia. I remembered memories of a much simpler, happier time. We didn't need to worry about the outside world. Everyone just talked like friends. No one seemed to condescend to anyone else, everyone seemed to be on equal terms. That was the first moment of happiness I've had in a while. I'm truly grateful for it.

Well, my novel's done now. It was a bit longer than I thought it would be. Sorry if I sound like some spoiled brat who got the ice cream knocked out of his hands at some points in the reply. How I feel about my life is how I feel about my life. Also, I apologize if there are some grammatical and rovisional errors I made. I'm too tired to edit. I'm really grateful for this thread. I've been waiting for a while to find a place where I could let me thoughts out. Thanks for reading!

P.S. I know this is a long shot, but Tristan and Kustav, if this sounds familiar, please reply on this thread. It'd be a miracle.

P.S.S. Sorry, I sortakindaliedaboutbeing18 when I downloaded KS. Please don't ban me!

@Athankfulanon First off, I feel the same way in a sort've way. Most people you meet in life are not there to be your friend, they're fake. Nor will they make the effort to be your friend because they want to, sometimes its just something to do, someone to talk to. There are however the few amounts of people whom are compatible with your personality and the things you like. And every once in a while you'll find those people, whom will most likely be your friends for life, and are willing to do many things for you, even if you lose connection for many years.

I have maybe 2 true friends, both of which I know from being Online. The people who I meet in real life, just seem so fake, they hide who they really are and blend in with the crowd so they aren't judged. I'll admit, I'm a bit of a loner when it comes to things at school.

Class projects? I tend to go out of my way to see If I can work alone. (Mostly because I don't want to make up for the slack of some ditzy teenager who doesn't know how to pull their own weight.)

Afterschool? I go home, I go on Facebook, Youtube, Homework, Video Games. I used to RP, but I no longer do, I found it to be unhealthy based on my past experiences, so I've stopped and I feel a bit better lately.

Sorry I got a bit off topic there >.o, but the point I was trying to make was. You will find 1-3 people in your life, whom you can truly trust. And whom you can truly call your friends, sometimes you meet them in high school, sometimes you meet them later in life, sometimes they might be a bro, sometimes they might be your love interest. Humans are an interesting species, and are very judgmental unless raised not to be.

In short, Humans suck! But, they can also be one of the greatest things that have ever existed based on whats ticking inside their brains.
From great leaders to horrendous dictators. Everyone is different, and everyone has their own motives. If you're lucky enough to find that person that is your true close friend, then you are fairly lucky. Most others have to search, and search. I myself thought I had found my best friend, someone I could likely talk to and want to spend the rest of my life with being close to one another (Sexual or not it didn't really matter) But when you tug on a rope a little hard, sometimes the truth is revealed and you find that its not what you were really looking for.

Anyways. :< Thank you for the read, Its always touching to see someones feelings laid out on a clear canvas.

Well, I'll try and keep this brief.

In my earlier years, I've never had much luck with women. One time I actually got asked out at high school by a girl I liked, and I didn't know how to respond, thinking it was a joke or some other thing, and having absolutely no confidence in myself.
Then there was one girl I was introduced to by a mutual friend, who was honestly one of the most attractive I've ever seen, if you'll pardon my saying so. We got to know each other quite well, and she even had dinner at my house a fair few times, with several other friends. Even found out our dads used to work together, in a crazy random coincidence. Then one day, realising I was falling for her and not being able to bear my own doubts any longer, I confessed my feelings to her. This went horribly, as even though she'd said much the same things to me, and claiming I was one of the best people she'd ever met, she stopped talking to me for months.
Was about this time that I met another girl through another one of my friends. She became my first ever girlfriend, although it was at a messed up time in both our lives; both of our respective parents had just split up when we started going out, y'see. Being as messed up as we were at the time, we argued constantly, threatened to break up constantly, and made up pretty much every other day. Even though looking back we probably shouldn't have rushed into it, I lost my virginity to her, but soon after that everything went to hell. She started getting suspicious of me every time she went back home, thinking I'd cheat on her with any one of my female friends. Long story short, she was cheating on me with my best friend, in my house. To add insult to injury, it was her that broke up with me, and blamed me for everything.
For about two months I went through life without bein able to smile, barely feeling a thing. Then I got over myself after watching Firefly, and even became relatively popular at school, for the first time realising that yes, I did have friends who cared about me.
It was about this time that I got back in touch with the girl from earlier, figuring that I should re-establish old friendships. She was glad to hear from me, and we even went to the cinema together several times, though not on dates (at least I didn't think they were). Being my final year of high school, prom was coming up and I had no-one to go with. She suggested I take her, which I gladly accepted, falling for her again (I get too easily attached, I know). We were hitting it off really well, I even met some of her family. Then prom came around and everyone got along really well with her (wih the guys being impressed that I had brought such an attractive girl, timid as I am). The night was going great, then it came time for me to leave. She took me outside with her (standing on the steps just outside the fancy hotel while my taxi was waiting at the bottom), and I got nervous, knowing that it was now or never for asking her out.
Then she told me what she'd never bothered to since I got back in touch with her, while I was so obviously smitten with her, that she already had a boyfriend. I felt myself going pale as a sheet as she said it, and after she hugged me and said goodbye, I walked down into the taxi without turning back, trying to keep myself composed. As an aside, this did feel surreally like a film, with her in an elegant yet simple dress and me in a 3-piece pinstripe suit.
So, afterwards I found out from my friends she was talking to there that she did like me, and she would go out with me, even then. According to my friends who were still there, she was quite saddened by my departure, and even said our situation was complicated (though I saw nothing more complicated than going out or not). She even promised to keep in touch, and to see each other again and all that jazz. Though I find this all hard to believe, as soon after she moved away to a university relatively far away, without ever bothering to tell me, and hasn't even bothered to contact me in almost two years.
After that, I've still had no luck with women, even on nights out when I'm looking my best and completely drunk, I still have no confidence. My friends are apparently naturals at the whole 'meeting someone on a night out' thing, though, and they are a blast to drink with. So now I'm a lot closer with my friends, even if I don't have a girlfriend. Every cloud has a silver lining, I suppose.
Woah, didn't mean to go on so long there.

Slightly off-topic, above was me, somehow got logged out while I was posting.

Wakagana wrote:@Athankfulanon First off, I feel the same way in a sort've way. Most people you meet in life are not there to be your friend, they're fake. Nor will they make the effort to be your friend because they want to, sometimes its just something to do, someone to talk to. There are however the few amounts of people whom are compatible with your personality and the things you like. And every once in a while you'll find those people, whom will most likely be your friends for life, and are willing to do many things for you, even if you lose connection for many years.

I have maybe 2 true friends, both of which I know from being Online. The people who I meet in real life, just seem so fake, they hide who they really are and blend in with the crowd so they aren't judged. I'll admit, I'm a bit of a loner when it comes to things at school.

Class projects? I tend to go out of my way to see If I can work alone. (Mostly because I don't want to make up for the slack of some ditzy teenager who doesn't know how to pull their own weight.)

Afterschool? I go home, I go on Facebook, Youtube, Homework, Video Games. I used to RP, but I no longer do, I found it to be unhealthy based on my past experiences, so I've stopped and I feel a bit better lately.

Sorry I got a bit off topic there >.o, but the point I was trying to make was. You will find 1-3 people in your life, whom you can truly trust. And whom you can truly call your friends, sometimes you meet them in high school, sometimes you meet them later in life, sometimes they might be a bro, sometimes they might be your love interest. Humans are an interesting species, and are very judgmental unless raised not to be.

In short, Humans suck! But, they can also be one of the greatest things that have ever existed based on whats ticking inside their brains.
From great leaders to horrendous dictators. Everyone is different, and everyone has their own motives. If you're lucky enough to find that person that is your true close friend, then you are fairly lucky. Most others have to search, and search. I myself thought I had found my best friend, someone I could likely talk to and want to spend the rest of my life with being close to one another (Sexual or not it didn't really matter) But when you tug on a rope a little hard, sometimes the truth is revealed and you find that its not what you were really looking for.

Anyways. :< Thank you for the read, Its always touching to see someones feelings laid out on a clear canvas.

Thanks for the reply. It's nice to know that someone's listening.

Just to make it clear, when I say my friends seem fake, I don't mean that they try to make themselves as normal as possible. A lot of them aren't afraid to show their personality. They don't all hide under a facade. Although there still are some that I suspect do that. Sometimes I even feel like I have to act that way. What I mean when I say fake is, their relationship to me is fake. They don't truly care about my well-being. The most you can get out of them for me is an "Aww, that's too bad." The only reason they try to console me when I'm hurt is to satisfy their own kind of shallow obligatory feeling. When I see a friend sad, I can't take it. I won't stop until they're happy. I wouldn't give up just because saying "Come on! Feel better!" didn't work the first time. Or the second time. Hell, I wouldn't stop even if I 'd been saying it for two hours straight. That's my dedication. But my friends, they don't see me that way. They're satisfied knowing that they just tried to help me. They're out to satisfy themselves, not to help me out of my problems. That's what I mean by fake. Some of my friends try to hide this fact. Some of them can make it glaringly obvious and simply not care.

Thanks for your consolation. It helps. I know everyone can't be as much of a friend as i want them to be. Sometimes, though, it's hard feeling like you're alone. Like you have no one to talk to about your problems (which is why this thread is sort of nice). As far as I'm concerned, I'm living with just me, myself, and I. And anime. And maybe this forum. My friends can't help me. My family can't help me.

Anyways, I appreciate your wisdom. Thanks.