Hanako's Broken Heart Club

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Satchel
Posts: 16
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2015 7:22 pm

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Satchel » Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:16 pm

Been a while since i posted in this forum. Nothing really got better, things changed a bit, things happened, but it's still all the same old.

I was in a psychosomatic clinic for my depressions, social phobia and binge eating disorder. It was good, learned a lot.
I met a woman in the same station of the clinic. Older than me but i couldn't care less, she seemed the nicest and lovliest person. Just before she left (she was already longer there when i arrived) i got my guts together and told her about my feelings. Not too specific, but it was a good call. We stayed in contact over phone (was too far for visiting trips) even after i left the clinic some weeks later.
Fast forward 3 month, we talked on the phone 2-4 times a week, quite personal stuff and it seemed to get going into the right direction. But the last 2 or 3 calls i recognized she wasn't as cheerful anymore. Not that she was always happy, she has depressions too after all, but something was up.
She stopped answering my calls and messages. After 2 weeks trying i got her once and it was a short talk, that she is not feeling good lately, lots of problems, and that she needs some time for herself. I agreed to give her 2 weeks and not call.
That was the last i ever heard. I tried for weeks to contact her. Nothing.

It doesn't even hurt that much that she ceased contact, but so bluntly without any reason given, any hint at what was going on, if there was anything i could have done.

That was last November. I still think every day about her.

---

I've seen the fantastic Sabrina Benaim - "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"-video a while ago, and it got really to me. Today i was in thoughts and remembered the video, and then i thought i should write down what was going through my mind. I feel the urge to share it, though i am anxious if it's not any good or makes sense.
But if i wanted to share it anyway i thought this place here would be the best to find someone it resonates with.
Insomnia?

It happens every night, very late when i am sitting in front of my PC, read everything interesting on FB, played my games to an extend they got boring or exhausting.
But i am not tired enough. I have that lump, that stone in my stomach.
I sit there late night and don't want to sleep, because i want do do soemthing.
I need to do something.
Take my mind off those thoughts that creep up now, now that i am not distracted, not busy.
Lonelyness.
Not "being alone", it's not the same.
I don't need company, i like being alone.
But i don't like being lonely.
It's the thoughts about the empty side of the bed.
The empty place opposite of where i sit in the kitchen, eating or prepping food.
The emptiness of the place beneath the mirror in the bathroom, enough for at least one other persons utensils besides mine.
The empty, cold place on the couch next to where i would sit, if i would ever sit down on the couch to watch something on TV or even just sit there.
I don't, it all doesn't distract me enough anymore from the empty spot.
Emptyness, it's just the lack of something, how do you feel something not being there?
But there it is, the emptyness of all those places.
It's not about something just filling that spot physically.
I don't need a placeholder, i don't need nor want something to lean on just to lean on it...
I want something that feels like it belongs there.
The toothbrush under the mirror in the bathroom.
The jacket on the coat rack next to mine that smells of the perfume i like on the other person.
The damn ashtray on the coffee table.
I am a ex-smoker, i don't like smokers, but dammit, LET IT BE THE DAMN USED ASHTRAY.
Just let there be something that belongs there ... someone who belongs to me.
So i can go to bed when i am tired, and don't have to try to get my mind of the empty place until i nearly fall asleep in front of the PC.
And then go to sleep in an empty bed, where there is nothing to take my mind of the empty place next to me ...
... and then, not sleep.
It's past 3 a.m. here and i don't want to go to bed.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

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Eurobeatjester
Posts: 754
Joined: Thu Nov 28, 2013 5:59 am
Location: Denial

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Eurobeatjester » Thu Nov 16, 2017 3:15 pm

I need to post here because I need to post somewhere about this.

I do a lot of creative making for my side business, making cosplay props, wooden model kits and starship designs, and a bunch of other things. The reason I'm able to do this is because I'm a member of a makerspace out here that gives me access to all kinds of equipment.

When I moved to this city I was homeless and aimless. I was working a standard job but Techshop (the makerspace) gave me a purpose out here. It's my home away from home and there are times where I would spend every waking moment there learning how to do things and pushing myself farther to make things. I don't think I would have even got back into writing if it wasn't for this place.

With no warning, yesterday the makerspace declared bankruptcy and locked and chained its doors. Nobody had any idea it was happening until going to the place in the morning and finding it in that condition. They were giving people a few hours to get all their stuff out. Watching my friends load up their cars with everything they needed to make their business work was absolutely devastating. A bunch of us were and still are crying about it. We just lost a home, and while I'm not as bad off as some other people are, a lot of people just completely lost their own business if it was based out of there. I was getting to that point with the things I make.

I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
Stuff I'm currently writing: Learning To Fly: A Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route
Two Turtledoves - A Lilly/Hisao Christmas Oneshot
Blank Mage wrote:
Eurobeatjester wrote:I doubt my ability to write convincing lesbian erotica
believe in yourself

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FrauPerchta
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:39 am

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by FrauPerchta » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:21 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
I'm sorry to hear that. That must be devastating to a lot of people- I hope something similar rises up to enable you to continue to have access to that, and at least find out why it suddenly dissapeared :/





I suppose I may as well drop in here, given all thats going on in my life. I mean, its good, right? Better than before- good enough to join a forum for a game I'm replaying years after first playing it. Less depressed, though I'm starting to develop what can only be described as pure paranoia, which is troubling and doubles up on my anxiety. But, something I've been thinking on and kinda fits here is... well, something I'm only realizing now that I'm older, and has, so to speak, broken my heart, or at least damaged it. I'm trans, and have known that for many years- when I was younger, I felt so desperate for validation that I would do ANYTHING just to feel wanted, loved, cared about... and, naturally, people exploited that. There's about seven or so people out there who should be arrested for exploiting a minor, but I'm so drained and my memory so completely fucked that I cant even remember their names. But yeah. They... did that to me. A lot of shit, that back then didnt really register. Now? Now I realize thats why for years I felt repulsed by sex, had completely one-sided romantic encounters that ended in me being miserable, and with all the shit about rapists and pedophiles in the news, I'm really starting to realize how many people must have felt like I did and shit. Its not a good feeling. :/

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WillDfly
Posts: 36
Joined: Fri Jun 10, 2016 2:29 am
Location: South Brazil

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by WillDfly » Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:09 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:A bunch of us were and still are crying about it. We just lost a home, and while I'm not as bad off as some other people are, a lot of people just completely lost their own business if it was based out of there. I was getting to that point with the things I make.

I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
Maybe stating the obvious here, but maybe you can contact the other people and figure something out, like sharing a rented place or working in each other's places. I don't know where you live and what options you have, but your strength as a collective can reach something any one of you could.

Keep strong.

ArmedLiberal
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 3:23 am

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by ArmedLiberal » Sun Jun 03, 2018 7:02 pm

So, I haven't posted in a while. I've spent the last year and a half working armed security, which I enjoy. PA school fell apart before it even began... nobody bothered to mention they count all of one's postsecondary education, and I bombed out of college 4 times before getting a diagnosis of adult ADHD. They don't care because they don't have to; with 1200 applicants and about 40 slots, they can be as choosy as they want.

So, I'm working this job at far too little to what I'm worth to get an established work history on my resume.

My wife got denied on SSDI again, and she's got an administrative law appeal coming in September. I'm told, secondhand from her attorney, that it often comes to this with SSDI applications because so many people give up or die by this point. I remain hopeful because an award comes with a huge amount of back pay (back to November 2016).

Both of her parents died in the mean time. Her mom left us a bunch of money, which has basically been spent keeping us afloat during the wait.

We talked about stuff over the last two years; I finally told her that I can't be exclusive anymore. I'm poly, and while I'm not actively looking for a girlfriend, if one drops into my lap, pursuing that relationship while also maintaining this one is on the table. I've been open about being poly the whole time... but I thought I could be happy partnered with one person. I was wrong.. very wrong. I had been having massive panic attacks with increasing frequency and regularity. I have no idea what happens when someone finally does drop into my lap (which is as inevitable as the Sun coming up each morning), but as Luke Cage would say, always forward.

My stepson is taking his driving test on Tuesday. Where did the time go?

Well, mina-san, it's pretty crazy that we've been together for this ride for so long. I never thought a dating sim game would be so life-altering.
Black Knight wrote:
Wed May 25, 2016 2:38 pm
ArmedLiberal wrote:
YutoTheOrc wrote:
MRI results came back. Similar T2 bright, non-enhancing (gadolinium contrast) lesions, and several new hypointense "blackhole" lesions on the T1 spin-echo scan. These are areas of the brain where the damage has become simply too great to repair, and so the damage is irreversible. That alone is a significant progression; she's never had any black holes before.

The bright side (if there even can be one) is that this new MRI virtually guarantees the acceptance of her Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) application.
My sympathies. Dealing with a chronic progressive disease is never easy. Have you or your wife ever heard of Dr. Terry Wahls? MS isn't my area of expertise but I came across her work while researching another autoimmune condition, and it may be worth looking into.

http://terrywahls.com/overcoming-second ... rry-wahls/

http://www.amazon.com/Wahls-Protocol-Au ... s+protocol

Best of luck.
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marantana
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2018 5:43 pm

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by marantana » Tue Jun 19, 2018 5:29 pm

Now that I cared to read the original post, this is a really nice and good idea!

In the past few weeks my major depression has returned. Despite me taking 4+1 different medications for my conditions (Borderline with PTSD, maj. depression, bipolar 2, generalized anxiety, social anxiety->asocial and a few minor issues). Thank whoever I got permanent disability retirement 6 years ago.

As a child I had very severe asthma (it's still severe, but now, 55 years later, it can be treated a lot better), living in an emotionally neglecting family where there was rarely really talked or cuddled or anything like that. My father committed suicide due to his undiagnosed severe depression when I already had my own daughter, my mother was weird in her own way.
Problem was: due to the asthma I couldn't go outdoors except to school for most of my first 12 years. Also was bullied due to my physical condition.

Completely messed up.

In games/vn/kn like KS, Higurashi etc. I am confronted with everything I missed in my youth and adolescence, everything that can never be compensated for in later life.

Thanks for listening and all the best for fellow sufferers of any and all kinds....

Wanderingheartache
Posts: 96
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2012 6:20 pm
Location: along the wind...
Contact:

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Wanderingheartache » Mon Jun 25, 2018 6:32 am

Two years later... I'm checking in on this board again because I have no one else to talk to offline and I was always given some pretty good advice from the people here. I think I'm doing somewhat better than the last time I was here, but some things are still kind of uncomfortable and I've grown to accept that such things are just the way life unfolds. My father lost his mother to cancer around the end of November 2017 and it was the first time I'd really seen him cry... my grandparents lived in Las Vegas at the time so that city will never represent anything fun for me anymore, the night before the memorial service there was a shooting on the strip so I can guarantee that I'll never see the city the same way ever again. Thankfully we weren't anywhere near the strip when it happened but it was still a horrifying experience.

When I got home, I finally got a call from a place I had applied to... I'm now currently a cashier at a Randalls grocery store (basically a Safeway). I thought things were finally looking up for me since I have three grandparents looking out for me in heaven now... but then the Austin Bombings happened, again I was nowhere near them but I had to help evacuate the store I work at because during that time of terror a Goodwill thrift store near my work had caught fire and the police believed at the time that it might have been connected with the terror attacks. I handled the evacuation a lot better than I did when I got the news about the Vegas shooting... but things still haven't really gotten back to "normal" for me since that day. I'm not scared or anything... but things just feel odd and I can't really explain why I feel the way I do, my work performance has been pretty much the same since I started the job (managers say I'm an exceptional worker and customers always leave a positive review on my performance) and I'm pretty much okay with being single for the time being. The job has its ups and downs... mostly downs lately because my managers have changed and one in particular likes to nitpick everything that all the cashiers do wrong when a simple mistake was made or if things aren't done to his standards. I'm putting up with it for now because it's not a big deal and doesn't affect my performance very much, though my schedule might be a different story... 6 AM opening shifts on some days and others I end up having to close the store at 1 AM.



I want to say things are looking up, but I'm still unsure... the only positives I can say are that I'm comfortable being alone now and I have employment for the time being. Both might still only be temporary but I'm going to cherish what I have right now, make every moment count... because when/if it all has to end I want to know I have the strength to carry on and start over fresh as many times as it takes.



I haven't touched KS in a very long time, but I still look to the things I've gotten over the years (fan made pins, a large button, and a plush pillow a friend knitted for me before they disappeared) and remind myself of where I can go when I need to get things off my chest... if I ever have time in the future I will try to boot up the VN again and relive the experience that brought me to this wonderful place.
I was drawn to this for a reason, the name I picked was for a reason deeper than I can actually think of... Yamaku is not just a fantasy to me.

(no avatar, I choose to be faceless willingly...)

Erenussocrates
Posts: 120
Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:50 am

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Erenussocrates » Mon Nov 26, 2018 12:57 am

Apparently nobody posted here for quite some time. Let's change that.

So I had a new semi-relationship until a week ago, with a girl, again on the internet.
I had this friend on steam for quite a while, but we really didn't talk that often before. I remember adding her on steam for the first time after having a convo with her on a random Lisa the Painful stream that I've watched on twitch. That was probably more than 6 months ago. After that we really talked and interacted only once on a blue moon. I knew she was playing Paladins before. And she did talk to me about her problems she was having with her boyfriend at times. Other than that, she seemed to be a quite busy person, not replying to my steam messages for months on end.

I attended a videogame development education program just before the start of this semester of school, and since we didn't have too many options of games that we could all play together with the students, we all played Paladins on off times. So that program ended, and I returned to my school at the beginning of this October.

I booted up paladins and just casually invited her to play with me since I knew she used to play. We played for a long time that first day, and as time went on, we just added other games and activities in the list of things that we would do together all day long. As it turns out her boyfriend has been ignoring her for quite a while, which is why she was obviously able to give so much of her time to me then. As we talked and spent time together, we've begun finding out more and more compabilities and common denominators between each other that makes us so alike. Friendship and games gave it's way to flirting, and watching movies and anime together on rabb.it. I've even helped her study on her C++ assignments and midterm exams while ignoring all the impending school stuff on my end, and showed her that I am aboard with her for the difficult times as much as the fun times. We had such a chemistry that we were able to have fun using something as simple as writing stuff to each other on a google doc study guide. We were spending so much time in a day and we were progressing so fast. My mind was completely fixated on her, I forgot about my crush at my school irl. When she did ask me how my progression with my crush was going, I just told her that I decided that she would only be a friend for me, because I hardly even spend time with her. Tomorrow morning she just decided to block her boyfriend on everything.

And like that, before I've even realized, I did end up falling for her. Like this wasn't only about love or infatuation, she was someone I always had great time with, she was someone I could objectively stick with for the rest of my life. Like meeting with a person like that is actually mathematically pretty low. And a month or so ago, when she said her ex/boyfriend would be back, I've just confessed to her in desperation in the fear of losing her. And she did tell me that she has feelings towards me in return. Her ex/boyfriend continued ignoring her for like 3 more weeks for one reason or another, and we continued developing our weird/uneasy but happy relationship for that time. We've even made a big list of stuff we'd do together. We've even written poems for each other. But at that point, I'd started having that creeping thought at the back of my mind if I was just being used as a lifeboat by her, a second standard, a fallback policy.

So then her bf is back once again, and then it turns out that she's just indecisive so that she would rather make both of us her friends rather than having any romantic stuff with either of us. I felt angry and betrayed, but I knew for sure if I just left her because I was feeling bad, she would just go back to her bf and I would lose her forever. I just didn't want that. I don't know if you've gathered by now, but I tend to be really passionate when it comes to romance and tenacious against the hardships it might bring. I knew she wasn't a perfect person, I just saw the potential and the idea of my relationship with her perfect. So all that started at the middle of this week pretty much, she promised to be fair and tried spending time with both of us, but at the end it turned out she just pretty much was screwing me over and was doing stuff with that guy while pretending to watch something with me.

Well I lashed out at her for every bad thing that she had made me feel throughout all those days. I purposefully tried to avoid drama and just wanted a happy and permanent relationship with her from the very start, but she did end up using me just as my bad thoughts came true in the end. She did decide to mend her relationship with him and just put me in a backburner for an indefinite time, while telling me that "she still loves me" and "I would be the first person she would turn to" if that relationship goes wrong. She never answered the question of "who do you actually love more" but I always knew the answer. And despite her dishonesty and white-lies, it all boiled down to just her loving that guy more than me. And even now I'm being treated like a lifeboat. I don't think I've received half of the respect I deserve as a person.

All of this feels so wrong, and twisted. I loved her so much, but she made me be in agony, she made me hate her. I didn't have any trust issues at the beginning, yet she did break all of my trust in the end by lying to me multiple times. She made what I deemed and dreamed so pure and untained, something so dark and bitter. She trampled all over my feelings. I don't think there could be any way at all for her to repay for all of the scars she inflicted on me even if she returned by the end of all of it. Like I don't know if there's actually a way. I've tried so hard with her, always doing the chasing. I've always felt like she didn't give a crap. The worse thing is that it feels like I'm still imprisoned in a cage too, because she still wants to keep contact with me and messages me often, and I still think that she owes me and in the corner of my heart, I have that unrelentingly foolish hope that she would end up paying for all of it one day. I don't think she ever would.


I'm so sick of having to try so hard for somebody I love in general and just end up being one of the choices. Like, this has been that way for my previous relationships too. I know I'm a wonderful and caring guy with my own qualifications, from everything I've written here, you can see that. I'm saying this because I no longer feel meek and useless like I did in the period when I was depressed for more than 6 months. Why am I not the receiving end of anything like that, why, like nobody in my life ever has actually done to me the stuff I've done for her, or even approached me and just been the first one to confess their feelings... Do I always have to take the initiative? Do I always have to be the one who tries hardest for someone, and ends up being hurt the most? Some people always say "don't be a nice guy. Be a douchebag, be selfish, be egocentric. Nice guys always lose." If that is wrong or not, I can't tell anymore. But I know that I'm feeling sad and miserable again, despite having escaped the clutches of depression not even so long ago...

And I didn't study for any of the midterm exams because of wanting so desperately to spend time with her and show her that I care throughout this week, so R.I.P my grades again. Yeah, perfect.

I had started so strong too...

ArmedLiberal
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Dec 08, 2014 3:23 am

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by ArmedLiberal » Mon Nov 26, 2018 2:23 am

I think you really wanted it to work... And that was your undoing. The right person will come along when you're happy and doing what you want to be doing, being happy being you. That person will add to your life, rather than take away from it.

I'm going through some shit myself. My wife, the woman I love, to whom I've been as honest as I have been able about being poly, does not understand my need to be with more than one person; and while I thought I'd be okay with only her, I'm not, and I won't be. I started having severe panic attacks over it. And... our marriage is over. We still have an as-yet undefined relationship that is at times romantic and sexual, but at other times is not. That's an honest case of life mindfucking me, and us. I honestly thought I'd be okay, and I was for a time... right up until I wasn't anymore.

On the other hand, pushing a relationship not only appears desperate, even if it's successful you're still not open to the right possibilities. You're not doing yourself or the other person any favors in pursuing a relationship that needs to be pushed. Such a thing comes from mutual interest, and believe me, this natural ease is both attractive and serves the relationship well. I've been guilty of pushing relationships... and yes, recently. And I know better. Old habits die hard.

And that brings me to a key point. Relationships should always add to your life. If they don't, you need to ask why, and figure out how to get back on track.

It really sucks that you were used as a lifeboat, as you say. At the risk of sounding trite: every time we put ourselves out there, open to someone else, we hand them the dagger that can cut out our hearts. Be careful who you hand that kind of power. The only way this is a failure, though, is to fail to learn from it. Make sure you work on you. Make you a better person. Be happy with you. Let things happen naturally, with least effort. It may take longer, but the brightest stars burn out the quickest. It's okay for things to go slowly. Better to wait a while and have a good relationship than hop from person to person like some demented form of human pinball.

It's okay to be hurt. Just... work on getting back on track with your life. It'll all be okay.
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Erenussocrates
Posts: 120
Joined: Wed Jun 13, 2012 11:50 am

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Erenussocrates » Mon Nov 26, 2018 9:01 am

That's true, I wanted it to work so bad.. The sad thing is while I was trying to give so much of my time to this girl (lets call her A), I've neglected so much of the other stuff that I could have been doing for myself in the process too. I've been skipping gym days so that we could spend time together (we are on vastly different timezones so me attending something means just not being able to do stuff with her that day). I missed the chances where I could have been doing something else in the real world and make new friends and socialize. I missed the chances when I could be studying for the exams and not fuck things up. I've missed the chance (actually maybe not missed but wasted a lot of time and opportunities by now) of trying to plant the seeds of romance with my crush from my actual school. I've fucked up my sleeping order in order to be able to get up at the same time as her. So yeah, I can admit that I was missing chances to improve myself in the process.

And the funny thing is everything was just mutual and natural between us with A too. At the start, everything was so smooth, the first time I asked her to watch some stuff with me, she accepted it wholeheartedly while stating that "she is happy that I asked her". It didn't feel like I was pushing anything at first, it's just that she couldn't bring herself to dump her boyfriend when he returned, despite she having the same feelings for me. Thing is she is trying to mend her relationship with her bf now, but she also admitted that she still loves me too. It's a weird and twisted situation like that, and it hurts me and it makes me sad. But I just can't force anyone to love me more than they love someone else at the same time. We are still in touch everyday. I love her more than anything, but I also hate her so much for all of these things too. At times dark thoughts haunted me so much that I wanted to sleep all day just so to prevent myself from thinking anything. At one point I've considered just acting as if I'm still in love with her and still into her to make her not forget about me, and when her current relationship ultimately fails and she falls back to me, I would make her feel everything she made me feel and more. But I just couldn't bring myself to pull something like that. That sociopathic behaviour is just not me, whenever she still spends time with me or shows me her caring and loving side, I just melt inside and dark thoughts vanish temporarily. I still do love her, and I'm still being used by her while doing that, and I cannot bring to tear myself away yet that's the ugly truth. Also I agree with your philosophy that everytime we get close to somebody we give them an opportunity to hurt us.

I've always held honesty in a very high regard in a relationship - and I regret to say that the girl I love so much has failed to deliver that to me. I've always been open with her and told her about my own guilty pleasures. I'm glad that you have been honest about yours too. I've read about your issues with your wife and about you being polyamorous. While I don't judge, I can understand why she decided to file for divorce. A lot of people are not up for something like that, even more so when it involves something like marriage, something people are very serious about, and most people tend to be very possessive about their love lives, like me. I would consider trying to go for non-marriage, no-strings-attached kind of relationships with multiple people who are mostly on the same page if I was you. But I understand it might be easier said than done.
And I don't know the full story but at least I'm glad your ex has been keeping a romantic and sexual relationship with you at times even after the divorce. That could very well mean that she still loves you and cares about you, and filing a divorce but still doing those stuff with you was just her way of coming to a compromise, setting you free to do what you want and not feeling terrible about it.

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