pandaphil wrote:Yeah, I'm thinking maybe spending less time trying to hook up with someone and more time getting to be friends might be in order. So much drama.
Let me tell you about a friend of mine. I've brought him up on these forums before as being very Kenji-like. For the 4 or so years that I've known him, he has been going to great lengths to try to find a lady-friend to bone. He's tried adjusting his behavior in manifold ways, from going out of his way to get better at asking for phone numbers to starting a fake OK Cupid account posing as a woman to try and see things from a female perspective. I've seen him grow to recognize his own flaws (like slight misogyny) and try to change to become both a better and more desirable person. He's gone on many dates, but unfortunately keeps shooting himself in the foot; one girl he was doing very well with ended up telling him never to contact her again because he said (in response to her whining that most men aren't interested in her as a person, that they don't appreciate her wonderful personality) that she doesn't have a great personality. He did this to try and prove a point, I forget what it was, but this sort of thing is still happening.
Not the most inspiring story, but the thing is I do find him kind of inspiring. He really wants to find love, and he's going all out to find it. He hasn't succeeded in years (he's not unattractive, I think, but I'm straight so maybe my opinion on that is irrelevant), but he is not giving up, in fact he's just planning another new tactic. It's interesting to see, he really wants it, so he's changed himself significantly over the years. At this point, I think the problem is that he wants a serious relationship for keeps, most women his age don't and he just doesn't like most women very much and can't keep his fool mouth shut.
Don't give up, man, just keep trying if you want something, failure makes you tougher. The more you fail, the less you care when you do, and then you can focus on learning from the experience to bring you that much closer to your goal.
I wish I had your problem. I think I may have too much, and nobody to share it with.
Well, it is nice, in a way.
Xanatos wrote:Share with yourself.
Ain't a woman alive that can give you lovin' as good as your right hand.
metalangel wrote:It works the same way for men. Billy Connolly (famous comedian) said that women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved. And it's true, a sexual rejection to a man is not just a 'not tonight', it's more of a 'you're ugly and unpleasant and I don't want to be with you'.
Well yeah, I meant that it's more socially normal for a woman to say "I'm not in the mood" or "I have a headache." When I did it, it was often like I wasn't fulfilling some kind of boyfriend duty to provide on-demand sexy times, so eventually I started faking it. I let this slip during a heart-to-heart with one girlfriend and... Kind of wish I'd never started faking it.
My reason for bringing it up was that I found that differing levels of sexual desire put a lot more strain on intimate relationships than I used to think they would, and I've found it ends up a major complaint come breakup season (approximately the months of August, September and October). I can see why it would be an issue with your girlfriend. I'll be interested to hear if this open relationship thing ends up being as okay as she claims.
Second also suggested that I find a new hobby, since "chasing girls who have major problems" isn't working out well for me.
Ayup. Daddy issues, histrionic personality, compulsive lying: getting a little tail doesn't seem worth all of that when there are plenty of lonely and sensible ladies about.
The icing on this already diabetes-inducing cake is that Third is distraught - why?
That's a rung below first world problems. Them's yuppie suburbia problems.
on the subject of the friendzone
I don't think that's what pandaphil was saying. He never said "friend zone." He's frustrated because he's not succeeding in meeting women who want what he does, this is a perfectly understandable thing to be frustrated about. Your friend was acting entitled, pandaphil is only frustrated.
Oh hell, I should just stop posting in this thread entirely. I've got no business trying to offer advice when my own life is such a freakin' mess.
You make me sad. In my interactions here, at least, you seem like a genuinely good person (it's easy to tell you definitely are, actually, even with Xanatos it's easy because you can't hide a good heart under jokes about scatplay and cumbuckets). You don't seem like the sort of entitled manchild metalangel described in his response to you at all, and your advice is perfectly valid as a decent human being who has earnest emotional connections to other human beings. You're a good person, but your quickness to give up on yourself (seen here) is causing you problems, I reckon.