Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[introfate]

Oh but of course. It's been floating around my conscious since I've sent it. Although from what we've shared, I'm a bit positive that she'll reply.. Eventually, that is.

[Total Destruction]

Kinda crunched for time at the mo (construction takes a lot outta you, who knew?), but I'll respond to a couple of you in the only way I know how.

@Xiious: First off, GET SOME SLEEP. Go running or something and tire yourself out. Work out, do something physical and get a GOOD endorphin buzz going on. I understand how that is because one of my alleged disorders causes me to not sleep for days, then crash and burn for a weekend. Sucks, but do something strenuous and tedious to handle that.

Secondly, girl talk. Yeah. That's all kinds of weird and quite frankly, painful. But you never know what you never know, and it ain't done till it's done. I'd second the suggestion of dropping her a message to let her know you can talk when she's ready, then as I already demand you to do, SLEEP ON IT. Take this NICE and EASY. Shouldn't be a situation as long as you don't make it one. This is dicey, but see what happens.

REAL FUCKING BRO TALK: Be glad she's not married. Learn from my mistakes. Also, feel free to PM me anytime. Can't guarantee an instant response, but I'll handle it ASAP.

Aight.

@introfate: Damn, son. Welcome to the HBHC, and thanks for the epic storytime. Sometimes Kenji's way more accurate about the way of the world than I want him to be, but seriously. Bitches and whores. Jesus. You'll get someone sometime. Love you get is equal to the love you give and whatnot. Fuck terrible broads like that.

[Xiious]

@Everyone:

I left a message on her answering machine saying, "Hey, I know I've haven't been myself lately, and I want to apologise for that. (then an explanation of nightmares). Any-time you feel ready to hang out again, please do give me a call. Until then, take care."

She hasn't responded yet, but last night I was able to get a full night's rest without any interruption, and I'm thankful of that.

[Total Destruction]

It's a start. GET SOME SLEEP.

[Kouryuu]

@Everyone:

I left a message on her answering machine saying, "Hey, I know I've haven't been myself lately, and I want to apologise for that. (then an explanation of nightmares). Any-time you feel ready to hang out again, please do give me a call. Until then, take care."

She hasn't responded yet, but last night I was able to get a full night's rest without any interruption, and I'm thankful of that.

That is great news! I want to hear all about what happens ^^.

[Surreal-mind]

@Xiious: Cool ! I'm happy for you !
Now what you need is some sleep.
You know what might help ? A glass of water with some sugar in it... also watching boring crap on tv and trying to sleep on the couch (with the tv on).

@introfate: Woah ! All I can say is; Be strong and don't give up.
Thanks for sharing your story with us.

[Axelownz]

Hey guys, i don't think i have posted here so i will join in, and contribute as best i can. Gotta think how to word some of this though

Alright i think it mostly started back in my senior year of high school 2006/2007. There was a girl i liked, and my friend introduced me to her and we hung out went on a few dates and became friends, we also hung out with the friend that introduced us quite a bit, but i found out they were not incredibly close as my friend was not too interested in her romantically. Well later i found out by my friend that she tried to come on to him, after she had been going on dates with me and that she was only going out with me to try and get closer to him. Long story short that hit my self esteem HARD and plunged me into a pretty huge depression my senior year. I felt worthless, unwanted and just like the most useless person on the planet after that. I told myself i needed to find someone new and try again, but it was a circle. I felt i wasnt good enough, and didnt want to let any girl have to deal with my depression, but it was the source of it too. I eventually sought help from doctors and it was really hard to tell my parents about it but i did. I got on anti depressants but i think i worked it out myself more than anything.

After i got out of high school things were better though. I didnt have my next girl trouble till partway through college. There was this girl, she had a smaller figure, kind of a punk rock boyish haircut and kind of had that punk rock vibe too. I sat next to her every class and got to know her, eventually asked for her number, but i was an idiot and somehow lost it. Later on she eventually stopped coming to class and i never saw her again. It was a shame since she is probably the girl i had ever been most attracted to.

My most recent girl problems started in 2009 i think. A good friend of mine was dating a girl, and she had a really hot friend. When i first met her i was immediately drawn to her but she had a boyfriend. I was friends with her, but then she broke up with her boyfriend, i was dumb and got too nervous to ask her out and missed my chance, and she was dating another guy again. I moved on but i found out she was surprised i did not ask her out, made me feel worse. Stayed friends on facebook with her. Then this last January she broke up with her boyfriend, i did not wait, and i poured my heart out to her. She was very receptive but said she needed time, which i said i would give her. Unforutanly we were planning dates, but she would always doge me with excuses. later she told me she had gotten back with her boyfriend and she was pregnant now. I broke contact with her and havent really talked to her since. It kind of tore me up a bit, even more since i was dealing with Rin playthrough feels at the time, but i told my self to get past it and i did, so i am in a pretty good mindset now.

Pretty much i have not had a girlfriend really due to that string of bad luck, and am still a virgin (a source of my depression back then but i have accepted i will loose it when i find someone) and i am in a pretty good state of mind, still get some bad days of depression but they are rare. My confidence is still kind of shot with Women though, but i am trying to get better at it.

I guess thats it, will post more later after work and read others posts too.

[introfate]

Axelownz, Surreal-Mind, Total Destruction, and Kouryuu. And to everyone else,
You're all pretty awesome, It's a different feeling that I'm observing. I wrote that post before I had left to work today and it lightened the load I bare. I guess my stress levels were above critical just because of the extra things I've involved myself in. From a non-profit to an internet start-up.

As for the message I wrote that girl, I don't know if I'll receive a message back. In the end though, I truly believe I did the right thing. Now I just have to live life as I have and wait for my turn to come.
As you have said Total Destruction, love you give is equal to love you receive. I'll remember those words.

To the community here, I've found a place I feel welcome now. This place..

I've never really spoken about my life over the internet either aside from the small talk that has always been thrown out there, I'm the first one to divert attention back to the task at hand.

Axelownz, the feeling of being used in such a way is indeed really hard to overcome. Not sure if you had read my story but I had a similar feeling. But you know, when you find that one, it will be worthwhile! I know I'm not in any place to give advice here, but the experience of climbing a mountain is amazing, reaching the top and realizing the feat. It makes you feel as if it's you and the mountain with nothing in your way. Find that mountain.

[Redbullet612]

I've been thinking about something for the past day or so. I feel like I'm not really doing anything with my life. I'm working a dead end job part time, and that's about the only time I leave my house lately. I don't have a girlfriend, and I've never had one. Hell, I hardly ever talk to girls unless they're related to me. I'm still living with my parents, not even going to school. When I look at my future, all I can really see is the 30 year old that still lives with his parents. When I was at college, I didn't do too well. I feel like I lack the motivation to really try anything anymore. All this is just making me feel like I'll never amount to anything. Sorry if this is all over the place.

Are you me?

In this one post, you've described my life for the last few years to a T. I'm still not really sure that I'm in any position to give advice with this, as I myself still struggle with those thoughts. However, over the past week I've started to realize that there is so much more to this world than I think there is. I believe that that was why I had those feelings, I couldn't see past my own little world. I spent most of my time at home, with my parents, and whenever I was out it was just to work. I would never go out just to have fun or relax with other people, I'd just sit in my room when I had time off, thinking that there wasn't really anything else that I could or should be doing.

However, I've come to find out that my closest friend and room-mate has been worried about me for a long, long time now. She's kind of a motherly type, and since I moved in with her, she's helped me to see things in a new light. Now, obviously some don't have someone like that to slap them in the face, so I'd like to try and pass on what I've learned so far.

First off, the world is huge, unbelievably huge.

Fucking

Unfathomably

Huge.

There are no limits, you can indeed do whatever you want as every parent and kindergarten teacher has told us. There are laws of course, most of which should never be broken, but those are only human inventions. In reality, there is nothing holding us back but ourselves, as human beings. We believe in schedules, in time, in the limits of our own man-made reality, so much so that often times we loose ourselves in this systematic world that we make for ourselves. When that happens, the real world becomes something that we no longer see, and because we don't see it, we stop believing in it. So then all we're left with, is just a realm that consists of only the things we do on a daily basis. It's a cold world that we create for ourselves without even knowing it. The mind can be terrible for that. The possibilities that exist for everyone in life are just so numerous, that they cannot truly be comprehended. And so, the mind simplifies things. Unfortunately, that simplicity only serves to make life a cold and repetitious existence.

So, in the end, my advice to you, and to everyone else experiencing these same feelings, is simply this:

Take a leap of faith.

Go out and do something new. Something random, maybe even something seemingly stupid. Throw yourself out into the world and break out of the repetition. Find something you can see yourself enjoying, and pursue it no matter what. Lately, being in this new city, I've been wandering around looking for anything semi-interesting to get involved in. I'm looking into volunteer work or anything that will let me help people get back on their feet and find happiness in their lives. I've applied for a few jobs as well, even though I'm already employed, just to add something new to my life. Now, I can't say what the result of all of this will be, as I haven't actually joined anything yet, but the feeling of just looking is amazing. I feel like I'm finally able to glimpse the outside world. Another thing I will recommend too, is to take some time to think. And I mean really think. Go outside on a nice clear evening, find some place that's nice and quiet, and just sit.. Being out in the evening, in a nice quiet place, really does something to you. It's certainly helped me greatly so far.

One more thing I'd like to add, is that people put far to much faith in careers. A good career is great, but never EVER let that become your sole purpose in life. I've come to realize that myself, and ever since, I've made it a point to make sure I have other things to worry about besides my job. Of course, the big boss won't like that, and you will be told things that will give you the impression that work should be everything. Which makes sense, why the hell would the CEOs want their employees to have anything in their life that could distract them from making the company money? But it's a load of shit. Take pride in your work, and do the best job that you can. But NEVER let a career, or even the pursuit of a career run your life. Finding fulfilment in your own personal life comes first. Hell, if you can find a happy personal life, your work life will most likely improve right along with it.

[Xiious]

I know i should be sleeping right now but I can't. Ugh.

Also, good to see you back on the forums Red

[Redbullet612]

I know i should be sleeping right now but I can't. Ugh.

Also, good to see you back on the forums Red

I outta be in bed too, but unfortunately, the internet is far more interesting than my dreams ever are. Though your reason is quite a bit more serious than mine, I hope that you'll keep moving forward!

And thanks, been busy the past few weeks. It's good to get back to this wonderful thread again.

[Xiious]

I know i should be sleeping right now but I can't. Ugh.

Also, good to see you back on the forums Red

I outta be in bed too, but unfortunately, the internet is far more interesting than my dreams ever are. Though your reason is quite a bit more serious than mine, I hope that you'll keep moving forward!

And thanks, been busy the past few weeks. It's good to get back to this wonderful thread again.

TD told me to sleep, er, threatened me to sleep. But I just can't right now >.<

[Kutagh]

@Redbullet: I totally agree with you. That is one of the reasons why I'm going to do a minor Sign Language next year. It is to have something different from computer science, expanding my possibilities (if I can use Dutch Sign Language then I can theoretically easily learn ASL or other foreign sign languages and hire an interpreter for that language, so I can actually go abroad without worrying a lot about language barriers I can't overcome). I'm taking a leap of faith there, not knowing if I would ever seriously use it as a 'primary' language.

@Everyone posting here: I've read every post. I just don't have a lot to add sometimes without reiterating what has already been said, or stating the obvious.

@Xiious: Gimme your address... I'll knock you out

[Kormy]

So... I dont know how to start. I've spent last couple of hours reading other peoples stories, and the whole time I've been on the fence should I write this or not. Only thing holding me back has been the fact that this will just become huge wall of text of me just rambling about everything, but here goes.
Just as reference, I'm 17y old guy and after this summer starting last year in High School, and I haven't slept in 25 hours.

Before starting school my life pretty normal, I had couple of friends and I was very social with everyone. Generally very happy.

When I started elementary school, the first two years were pretty normal, I liked my class, even though I never really talked with anyone. I just stayed out of everyones way and studied. During spring of my second year, one of my classmates started bullying me, because I was quiet and kept mostly to my self. It continued for couple of weeks, that is when something just snapped. I yelled and hit him. Ofcourse he ran to the teacher and told what had happened. For this my parents were called to the school, and told about everything that happened. Me, being quiet that I was didn't tell them that he had bullied me for sometime now. Couple of days later, the bully had been able to get most of the guys in my class on his side. After that I was bullied for the rest of time in elementary school. But the whole thing that made it much much worse was that I had very small temper, getting angry over littlest things, and that was the thing that gave power to the bullies. The bullies were all much more stronger than me, me being very thin and underweight. During the whole elementary school I had only one friend, a guy who hanged out with the bullies, but never bullied me. During fifth grade he came to talk to me, and we became friends. During that time I didn't really care about anything, and just talked to him just because it was so weird having someone my age to talk to. Half way through fifth grade, a new student came to our class, and my friend wanted to befriend him. I wasn't so sure about it, but we went and talked to him. He joined our group, even though I never really did like him. At the start of sixth grade, I hadn't really talked to either of them, so when I returned to school, the "new kid" had learned about my short temper and had befriended the group of bullies. Worst part was that he had turned my friend against me. My friend told them lots of my secrets. I felt so betrayed at that point. So, I went back to the same state I had been before I had befriended him. I was alone, teased all the time. Most of the teachers were against me, because my fits of rage, my gym teacher completely hating me and punishing me almost every time he had chance. At the end I just hated everyone, never talking to anyone, completely shutting everyone out. I just wanted to fade in to the shadows. It was a huge relief when I heard that most of my classmates when to a different junior high school than I did.
(I'm not completely sure about the right names for schools.)

Seventh grade was pretty much the same that my start of elementary school was. I stayed out of peoples way, just studying. Still, it didn't take long for my reputation to catch me. After that people didn't bully me, but just watched me with and whispered the rumours they had heard about me. Still, I dont know how, managed to find a group of five guys. They didn't care who I was. The whole reason why they came to talk to me was that I had long hair, as most of them did also. Rest of my junior high was simply awesome. I just suppressed everything that had happened to me during elementary school. After junior high ended, I just drifted away from them. They all stayed at that school for high school, me going to a different school because my grades were just little too low.

When I started high school, I was once again completely alone. I hated my new school, because I didn't know anyone there, while my friends stayed with the same group. It took about four weeks to me to get know someone there. It was one from my class, a guy who just talked with one of girls also in my class who I thought to be his girlfriend. During one class he just came and started talking to me. We became friends, and I found out that the girl was just his friend and she had a crush on me because of my long hair. When I heard that, something weird just happened and I turned into completely different person. I was so suprised that someone actually had intrest in me, and because of that, just started to act like complete douchebag around her. I can't remember why I did it, I don't even have any clear memory of that time. It continued for about three months, after which she completely hated me. (For a good reason) During most of the first year I hanged around with both of them, the guys girlfriend and one other girl from our class. During spring of that year, the guy told me that he had broken up with his gf and was moving to another city, and one week later he was gone.

After that I continued to hang out with the three girls, but one of them hated me, my friends ex was somewhat depressed about what happened and the third one just moved to another group. I was alone again.
The days went by very automaticly. I didn't pay attention to anything anymore. I just blanked out, until one day, the ex of my friend started to text with me. We talked through many nights. It just felt so good to once again have someone to talk to, and the best thing was that she was able to show her friend that I was that bad of a guy. We started to once again hang out together. Things were quite good once again.

I had a thing going on with my friend's ex, and suggested dating one day ( I know how wrong it is to date friend's ex, and still feel guilty about it). When she heard what I said, she just fell silent and after couple minutes, told me that eventhough I was a nice guy she couldn't date me. It struck me harder than I care to admit, me being used to just hide my feelings inside. I became slightly depressed and didn't want to talk to her or anyone. Couple weeks later the girl who used to hate me, invited me to a little party with couple of her friends. Her plan trying to make me happier, and I'm grateful to her about that. Only problem was there was a huge amount alcohol at the party. I never really was the drinking type, usually being the most sober one making sure that nobody hurt themselves. But I was somewhat depressed so I got quite drunk that night. At some point during the night, people started just hugging everyone they came across. Everything was fine until I came across my friends ex. I hugged her, and because both of us were completely shitfaced, we fell to the floor. Next thing I remember was me getting hit in the face couple times and thrown somewhere. I passed almost immidiately after that, and when I woke up. With a glass of water thrown in my face no less. There was many people around me staring at me with disgust and hate. They told me that had seen me trying to rape my friends' ex.

At that point all blood escaped my face, I just stood there not believing what I just heard. I had complete memory of the night and when I tried to explain, they just threw me out. I was in shock, and badly hungover when I made it home, I just fell to my bed my mind completely blank. The next day at school I tried to explain my view on what had happened, but who would believe me when there four witnesses (all of them completely drunk). So far only one person has listened what I had to say and believed me, but when she tried to talk to them, they told her that they thought what I said was most likely true, but they couldn't trust me anymore. A week after all this had happened the summer holidays began and I was once again alone, now really needing sometime away from people.

All of this happened about a year ago. One problem I have, is that I go constantly go through in my head things that have happened, moments when I should have done or say something, or act differently, and feel guilt over all of this. This happened to me nearly every night before I fall asleep for years causing nightmares from time to time. As cliché as it sounds, it changed after I found out about KS three or four months ago. I don't remember what caused me to download it and read it, but Im glad i did. I spend one whole night reading through Hanako's path and all of my resistances I had put up over the years, never showing my emotions because it would just end badly, just crumbled. I was a complete mess at when I finished it. (Thank god I got the good ending), but It was the first night in years I had slept well.

Now, I sometime has passed, and I feel alot more energized and happier. I've read through all of the paths, gotten 100%. I've learned much about myself in the last couple of months. I still probably stay the same quiet, unnoticeable me, but atleast if feel little better about myself. I Just want to say thank you to Four Leaf Studios, helping me understand a little more who I am.

And I admire your endurance if you have managed to read through all of my rambling, it probably doesn't make that much sense, and spellcheck is horrible, but it felt good to final tell my story to someone, even if nobody never reads this.

[Beoran]

Kormy, thank you for your story.

First of all, I said it many times, it sucks to be bullied. But it's hard to go through life and be happy if you get angry too quickly. I used to be a bit like that but then I decided to change that, now more than 16 years ago, and I sorta ended up in the other extreme of not wanting to get angry anymore at all which does cause me problems. Also, I do feel I can be somewhat passive aggressive. That's a trap to watch out for as well.

As or the incident during the party... putting a bunch of teenagers together with alcohol is never a good idea. Although the others were drunk, you were too, and both your memory and inhibitions were probably affected so it's not unlikely that you lost control and did something you shouldn't have, and forgot what you did. Since you're a kid and alcohol was involved I would say you weren't fully responsible for what happened. However, I think the lesson to take home is that you have to avoid such kinds of parties and don't drink when you go out. This may sound contradictory but once you reach legal drinking age you may want to practice drinking at home if your parents don't disagree so you get used to alcohol and don't lose control when someone spikes your drink.

Axelownz, you probably know that it's a trick some people like to use. C uses the friend B of person A whom C is romantically interested in, and tries to use B as a jumping board to get to person A. Now , while it's fine to make friends with some friends of someone you like, you should be very clear that it's just to be friends. I think the "jumping board" ploy to find love is a way to use people, and therefore, conniving and wrong. I know it's easy to say but you shouldn't feel bad about it. It says nothing about you or your qualities as a person. It says much more about the girl in question. You're certainly better off without her.

Xiious, hope it will work out. Do try to sleep, or at least, lie down and try to rest if you can't sleep.

KryingPhoenix, to drive the nail a bit further, it's not because you are having problems finding love that suddenly it's OK to use such underhanded tactics. Also, I think that contrary to what some people say, "becoming friends first" is not a very good strategy to find love. The "friend zone" is a figure of speech, but it simply means that if you make friends first and then expect to turn that into love, you're not being completely honest with yourself and the other.

When you meet someone new, or meet someone again you didn't see in a long time, and you think you may like them, then go for it and try to find out if you two could be in a love relationship together. If not and you're both adult enough, you can still stay friends. If you do get along well, and the feeling is right, confess, and if it's mutual, the love story begins and the hardest part starts, but it's also the most enjoyable one at the same time. If you start by making friends, you will end up being friends. I think it's more honest to myself and to others if I'm very clear: when looked for love I looked for love, and not for friendship. If we want to shoot a deer, sometimes we gotta let the hares go.

Revvy, Thanks for your story. First of all, it sounds like you're popular with the young ladies, and pretty sociable too. So your problem seems to be the opposite of that of many people here. To be honest, I envy you a little bit, now, and if I had known what I know now at 19, then I would have fooled around a bit more to get some experience and be more ready for the big love of my life. Of course that is all in hindsight. So I can understand too why metalangel is encouraging you to "sow your wild oats". But it's up to you to decide when you've "sown" enough and had your fill of it.

Like Gandara said, for western society, you're pretty young to be looking for a serious relationship, so you'll probably have to be a bit patient. In your case, I imagine that you have plenty of social skills, so you should find it easy enough to get along once you find the right person. However, finding the right person may be the difficult part difficult. As others suggested, stop going to such parties and look for other places and social circles to meet new people. Or travel, look for a (part-time) job, etc, etc. I feel you'll find your way around the world better than me, just be a bit patient.