Hanako's Broken Heart Club

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FXRemastered
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by FXRemastered » Sat Apr 28, 2012 1:06 am

Ciclo wrote:
FXRemastered wrote:
Thanks, I had it edited but changed it after a bit to a tl'dr. That surgery was a year or two ago, since then I've fully recovered. I've even got exercising routines and I'll be running (not competitively) in the summer....just for fitness sake. As for my "friends", one did visit me for a bit, on and off. He came a couple times. Anyway, he stopped coming after the....2nd week I believe. Its definitely not something I mope about anymore, due to being over the situation entirely. But, realizing you were abandoned does have a sting if you give it too much thought. Not the specific people, just the fact you were...I'm not too sure I worded that right.
It's a relief to know you did get over it, I was abandoned to but that was at birth so I don't really care much about it. :)
Hm, well I suppose people have wonderful and inspiring ways of adapting, no? :P
Yessir :) Just yesterday morning, really around this time yesterday I went a walk since I was feeling depressed and wound up at my ex gf's house at 2am EST. I talked with her mom for some 3 hours, I felt SO happy after that convo... I even got to see my "Hanako" again. (Didn't want to wake her up so she never knew I even came to vists...)

Kutagh

Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Kutagh » Sat Apr 28, 2012 10:58 am

I'm going to put portions of my own story here... However, it is not a tough story like a lot of people have mentioned here so far.

First things first: As Beoran knows (through IRC), I'm deaf and I've been that for as long as I can remember. But I'm not deaf in the same way Shizune is, as I have a very minimal residual hearing capabilities (though it is so minimal I literally can't hear thunderstorms or fireworks without hearing aids). I have a Cochlear Implant for almost 10 years now as well as a hearing aid on the other ear (directional hearing). In quiet surroundings I'm capable of understanding about 90% of the sentences in Dutch this way... But add in more noise and it goes significantly backwards to the point that it is hard to understand sentences. Or speak English and you’re almost guaranteed that I can’t understand what you are saying. That is why I have access to interpreters as well, paid for by the government. They’re not sign language interpreters though, I prefer interpreters from spoken to written text which allows me more choice in what I’m doing instead of having to focus on the interpreter all the time, as I can read back a small portion of the text already interpreted. It is one-way interpretation though, I can speak fine for myself in Dutch.

I’m currently at university doing Gametechnology (a derivate of Computer Sciences) and enjoying it so far, being capable of doing so as well. And that describes the majority of my life as it stands right now: I’m happy with how everything is going (aside from the government idiots, but that is a worldwide issue ;) ). And as it stands now, I’m enjoying university much more than my previous schools due to two reasons: The first reason being that I’m enjoying what I’m actually studying and the other reason being that everyone is much more friendly and willing to talk with me. Maybe I’ve just matured in the right way, opening up more but to me it feels like everyone else on my faculty is more open to being friendly. Where I used to know multiple assholes on my previous schools I haven’t seen anyone at my faculty that I could consider being an asshole… Of course, the world is not as black and white as ‘friends and assholes’ but you get the idea.

But now my history: When I was young (from 3yo till 10yo or so), I was at a special school for children with language difficulties and hearing problems (not heavy hearing impairments though, how I got placed there though is interesting but not relevant here). Recounting the people I could consider friends, I wouldn’t be able to go past 5 friends in all my years there. The majority were neutral, I didn’t know them but they weren’t bullying me either. I barely got bullied either, as far as I can recall I had in those years less than five bullying incidents. However, the school was not really suited to my intellectual needs, I sometimes got work others didn’t have to do yet (which was annoying for me back then, feeling quite unfair but in hindsight I now know they were just trying to give me the education I needed at my level). That is why halfway I started going to a regular school for a day in the week. As high school got closer, in the penultimate year of primary school I started going more days in the week and the last year I fully transferred to the regular school. And again on that school I learned to know a handful of friends which I now never talk to anymore. One of them I could consider a good friend until we drifted apart on high school. But I got bullied more often on that school and that created anger, a lot of anger. It got so bad I sometimes lashed out quite badly. During playing, I accidentally tripped someone, which hurt his knee… I apologized for that but got harassed by one guy whom kept following me for several minutes, nagging all the time. The pent-up anger exploded and I didn’t think, lashing out badly and attempting to strangle him… Of course I didn’t seriously harm him but it scared them badly as well as the teacher and my parents. I have to mention that until the penultimate year I didn’t have any interpreters at and even in the last year I barely had any interpreters.

It wasn’t the only incident but it was the worst incident (in a couple other incidents I also lashed out badly but nothing as close as strangling). It didn’t end in the first couple years of high school, seeing as the majority were on the same school as I was (again a regular school). So as you probably can guess, I lashed out again a couple times. One time I had a pocket knife with me, which I seriously considered to use thinking that if I showed my bite was worse than my bark, they would back off… It sounds so naïve afterwards but that is what I really used to think. And because I had next to no friends while the bullies did, it was always my word against several others. It didn’t help that I was deaf which they used as an excuse, saying I heard/interpreted it incorrectly (I still think their actions were pretty clear). On a positive note, on high school I had practically every day an interpreter, in the first year mostly student interpreters though (there were barely any interpreters then so I took whatever I could). But at the end of the first year, I got a lot of request for a fixed single day in the week so I picked some and gave them a single day in the week. Some of them still are an interpreter for me at university, others took different assignments but almost every interpreter I had was a nice person, with exception of one stuck-up asshole that didn’t come 2 out of 3 assignments he got from me, neither times notifying me at all (that asshole isn’t getting any recommendations nor assignments from me).

Halfway high school we got moved to another school (nothing weird about it, it was just that the old high school didn’t offer the higher years, almost everyone in the same year got moved there) and I made a new friend, one that I can consider a quite good friend. I still am in contact with him regularly. Guess what, he’s a bit of a shy person (which is why I approached him, seeing that he didn’t have anyone he talked to on the introduction days) but we shared interests, mainly in gaming. A year later, a guy with a bit of Asperger Syndrome moved to my school, sharing my first name and being friends with both my friend and me. I talk less to him but I still do stay in touch with him. Also, because it was a bigger school and such, I had less problems with bullying. But of course there are the idiots standing in front of your locker and not wanting to move, to which I didn’t use a diplomatic approach. But those situations were rare and I never got in any trouble for that. I didn’t lash out badly anymore… And then I got my certificate for completing high school and got access to university (at this point I have to mention that the Dutch system for high school and beyond is split in 3 levels, a practical, a mixed and an academic preparation level on high school. I did the academic preparation level, all bullies as far as I know did either practical or mixed…). So there I am at university, studying Gametechnology, being with a group of students and reasonably good friends with at least half of them, one of them I’d consider a true friend.

Oh and if you wondered why I didn’t have friends from outside school, that was because due to my deafness I couldn’t be bothered to go to playgrounds and such having no good friends. Nor do I have any friends from the deaf community, because the one time I got introduced to them was a notoriously bad experience for me with another bully resulting in a fight… I do know a good friend with a hearing impairment though but I don’t have any ties to the deaf community at all nor do I feel any need to… Because of that and because of using interpreters that interpret to written text, not sign language interpreters I don’t have a good grasp on sign language (though I can read it reasonably well and grasp the meaning, my sign vocabulary is very limited). If I start getting in touch with the deaf community again, I’ll probably take sign language classes.

And recently Beoran recommended me to read Katawa Shoujo. It was my first VN (and so far the only VN I finished, the story actually compelling me to keep reading). I first did what I would do in the storyline, ending up with Emi and the awkward scenes. I then moved on to Shizune’s storyline and man, I can see similarities between her and me. Her need to manipulate people around her and the nagging, the stubborn attempts at understanding what is being said if Misha isn’t around to interpret, because she (and I) want to keep the control about what is happening (though she is more excessive in that). She doesn’t want to lose any information and does that by becoming in essence the Game Master in her surroundings. Using notes and other alternatives requires people to put effort into copying everything they’re (wanting to) saying, but people will summarize a lot, leaving out details, deciding on their own what is important and what not, or even saying that it wasn’t important anyway. I dislike that and I think Shizune does as well, refusing to use such alternatives unless forced to. It looks stubborn but using those alternatives removes a layer of interaction, the personality, the intonation. In sign language, the intonation of the voice is replaced by the expression of the signer. A piece of paper doesn't have the same possibilities.

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nemz
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by nemz » Sat Apr 28, 2012 4:40 pm

A piece of paper doesn't have the same possibilities.
Not necessarily... handwriting as an action can definately carry traces of the writer's mood in the details of how hard they press, how energetic or loopy the ascenders and descenders are, etc. Perhaps a bit of study on handwriting analysis would be helpful to you?
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

Kutagh
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Kutagh » Sat Apr 28, 2012 4:53 pm

nemz wrote:
A piece of paper doesn't have the same possibilities.
Not necessarily... handwriting as an action can definately carry traces of the writer's mood in the details of how hard they press, how energetic or loopy the ascenders and descenders are, etc. Perhaps a bit of study on handwriting analysis would be helpful to you?
Thanks for the thought but I'm not communicating through paper ;) If the situation is so bad I can't understand a buddy of mine from university, they usually grab their smartphone and type it up :lol: And even then I still think you don't have the same possibilities on paper as with speaking/signing, unless you're watching their expression while they're writing (and so the study on handwriting analysis would be superfluous... :lol: ), otherwise you can't see the difference between a jest and a serious message (unless the signer can compose him/herself to not show any emotion). Just like you can't read online in some sentences whether it is meant as a jest or an insult if I don't include a smiley or hint in some other way that it was a jest.

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nemz
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by nemz » Sat Apr 28, 2012 5:08 pm

Fair enough. :wink:

I wonder if it would be helpful if more forums and text apps would allow variety of fonts? Then again most people would probably just type in the default anyway.
Rin > Shizune > Emi > Hanako > Lilly

Ciclo
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Ciclo » Sat Apr 28, 2012 10:21 pm

blank
Last edited by Ciclo on Tue Sep 10, 2013 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Beoran
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Beoran » Mon Apr 30, 2012 6:36 am

Kutagh, thank you for your story. I didn't know you had some problems with agression as well... It's understandable for people in pain to lash out, but of course not right. I'm glad that things got better for you.

Exbando, it's good you feel you would like to enjoy your life more, but if you have some problems, then it makes sense that you're not enjoying yourself as much as you'd like. I guess it's best to focus on looking for solutions,and try to enjoy as much as we can in between that.
Kind Regards, B.
Feeling like your heart is broken? Need to get it off your chest? Tell your story here.
Take a look at Eruta my jRPG under development. New web site since december 2012.
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Morph
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Morph » Sat May 05, 2012 6:01 pm

Why does everything appear boring to me?
I've never been an emotional person, but lately I just feel empty.
I am often sitting at my desk or laying on my bed and stare at the ceiling. And that for hours at times. Well, I didn't start recently doing that but I definitely do it more often now. I have so much time but don't know what to do with it.
In the past I used to play video games if I was alone or play soccer or poker if I was with people I got along with, but I don't enjoy doing this things anymore since about a year. Since then I was mainly reading or watching anime. But one or two months ago this started to become boring as well and now I have lots of time and no motivation to do anything. Somehow I want this to change but on the other hand I am somehow okay with everything since I don't care anymore about anything in a way.
I mean, why should I be concerned about things I can't change? Whatever someone does doesn't matter in the end. So I can do nothing as well, can't I? I mean it's still better for me than thinking deeply about whatever, which I used to do after I read, because this just depressed me and made me anxious.

Kutagh
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Kutagh » Sat May 05, 2012 6:24 pm

Morph wrote:Why does everything appear boring to me?
I've never been an emotional person, but lately I just feel empty.
I am often sitting at my desk or laying on my bed and stare at the ceiling. And that for hours at times. Well, I didn't start recently doing that but I definitely do it more often now. I have so much time but don't know what to do with it.
In the past I used to play video games if I was alone or play soccer or poker if I was with people I got along with, but I don't enjoy doing this things anymore since about a year. Since then I was mainly reading or watching anime. But one or two months ago this started to become boring as well and now I have lots of time and no motivation to do anything. Somehow I want this to change but on the other hand I am somehow okay with everything since I don't care anymore about anything in a way.
I mean, why should I be concerned about things I can't change? Whatever someone does doesn't matter in the end. So I can do nothing as well, can't I? I mean it's still better for me than thinking deeply about whatever, which I used to do after I read, because this just depressed me and made me anxious.
Everyone has those periods once in a while that things they usually do temporarily becomes boring, I know that from experience that sometimes I can't be bothered with gaming or reading either, but it passed once I got busier at school/university... I think that it is because you've played/read the things you wanted to and it became more like a way to kill time and less a way to have fun.

And 'whatever someone does doesn't matter in the end', I tend to strongly disagree with it. In my experience I have to take the initiative to organize an event with my friends, like bowling. I've organized it a couple times in the past year but I don't recall them organizing anything (and I doubt they would if I didn't take the initiative. In fact, I went bowling yesterday, literally a spur of the moment after talking to a buddy from high school). And I did quite enjoy those days, meeting them without having to focus on university or so, just having fun and chat... The story also shows it, like in the hospital, where Hisao doesn't really talk with Iwanako, so the two of them drift apart and he doesn't really care either. But if whatever you do makes you depressed and/or anxious, do something else.

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Taku
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Taku » Sun May 06, 2012 4:53 pm

After playing the game, I ended up to this forum and found this thread. Now after flipping trough the pages and reading some of your stories, I find myself in a position to give something back... (but I'm not much of a writer so bear with me)

So yeah. I'm almost 22 years old, have finally managed to get a stable workplace and live with a "friend"... But it just doesn't feel right.

Back when I was born in the 90's Finland was going trough a rather big financial depression and from what I know my parents weren't exactly at the best financial state by the time I came to be. And three years later my little brother was born, not making the life any easier for my parents.I also have an older brother who's from my mothers previous relationship. (found out about this a around a year ago) But as I was the middle child in my family I never really got that much attention and mostly just stayed by myself either watching the TV, playing or building something from legos...

As I grew older and entered elementary school I never really got any true friends... You know the ones that you can share everything with. Sure there were some that you might call as a friend but after going to high school pretty much most of them were left behind and later lost contact with. Only one of them got into the same class as me in high school, but just like the others I lost contact to him after the high school... During the uneventful and meaningless days of high school I found out that I had Coeliac disease. As a young kid I kinda pushed it aside until I finally realized that this is going to be with me for the rest of my life. Back then it was quite devastating when I found out that I couldn't enjoy the same candies, bread or any other food that everyone else takes for granted. Ever since that I just couldn't even blend into the crowd as I always needed a special diet. Sometimes I got teased for having something different to eat but I mainly just tried to ignore it as best as I could.

After high school I ended up studying to be a carpenter, which seemed like the most interesting choice at that time. But after few years my enthusiasm dried up and I just ended up sailing trough just hoping to get at least decent grades on my graduation diploma. 2007 I had an accident at school where I managed to cut off my right hand thumb. At first I really didn't realize what was going on but after being hospitalized for two months it dawned to me that this is yet another scar that will follow me trough the rest of my life. Sure the doctors worked wonders and managed to attach the cut off piece back to where it belongs, but it still haunts me every single day.

For the most of my childhood I had dreamed of being part of the military but even that was taken away from me after my right knee decided to give up under the constant strain and wear. Life in the army was already hard enough with my special diet and my thumb not really being able to handle winter conditions, but the knee was the final seal that ended that dream altogether. And any friendships that I managed to build during my time there, were left behind as I walked out of the gates for one last time.

These days pretty much my schedule just consists of sleeping, working or sitting in front of the computer either playing or watching different television series. I just can't push myself enough to try anything new in my life. I've always been a shy person that usually just stays to himself just so I could avoid any embarrassing situation that would make me feel uncomfortable. I've always wanted to be someones knight in shining armor, but it's just impossible as I pretty much never leave my house and mostly shy away from any kind of social interactions.

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Camoufrage
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Camoufrage » Sun May 06, 2012 6:02 pm

Taku wrote:For the most of my childhood I had dreamed of being part of the military but even that was taken away from me after my right knee decided to give up under the constant strain and wear. Life in the army was already hard enough with my special diet and my thumb not really being able to handle winter conditions, but the knee was the final seal that ended that dream altogether. And any friendships that I managed to build during my time there, were left behind as I walked out of the gates for one last time.
Tough, from the looks of it you never really were meant to be in the military anyways. I used to want to join the military (and I still think about it now), but I think when a person joins the military they sign their life away for quite a long time. Dont beat yourself up about it, I got a feeling you are better off no signing up.
These days pretty much my schedule just consists of sleeping, working or sitting in front of the computer either playing or watching different television series. I just can't push myself enough to try anything new in my life. I've always been a shy person that usually just stays to himself just so I could avoid any embarrassing situation that would make me feel uncomfortable.
Same here. Ever since I left my parents it has been that way for me. Its just a phase, things will go your way soon.
I've always wanted to be someones knight in shining armor, but it's just impossible as I pretty much never leave my house and mostly shy away from any kind of social interactions.
You need to fix that! Go out and find some friends. If you cant, than maybe you should get some sort of help to get you back on your feet. Im not talking about a therapist necessarily, but some kind of help that I cant really point out right now (and no you arent crazy, dont think im telling you to go to a crazy mental hospital :lol:)

Kutagh
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Kutagh » Sun May 06, 2012 6:35 pm

I have to agree with Camoufrage on pushing yourself with getting friends or getting help.
One thing I learned myself was that good social contacts don't come automatically. I have to work for it...
Last Friday I went bowling with a good friend from high school as well as a buddy from university. It was fun. But in my experience, the only times I and my friends do something like bowling is when I ask them if they'd fancy that. You need to take the initiative to set up such events as clearly others won't. And if you feel like it, you can ask your friends to bring some other friends as well so you meet new people. And maybe through your friends you might find someone whose knight in shining armor you can become.

And as for the rest of your story: I know what you mean, feeling different from everyone. I used to feel like that too, being deaf in an environment with only hearing and slightly hearing impaired people. Ever since I entered university and made a group of friends, I never felt that way anymore. It is only an elephant in the room if you see it as an elephant in the room as Yuuko said to Hisao in the library after scaring Hanako. I think that schools just don't have the mature people, which amplifies the 'difference' feeling. At university it was more the people with real life experience, living on their own, having to work. I think that is what matured them... Now that I think about it, maybe that is why before university I had much better contacts with adults than with my peers, because they were mature enough to accept me as I am.

Anyway, my best piece of advice for you is to find a hobby you really enjoy, meet new people. Hopefully find something that makes your life feel worthwhile.

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Aili
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Aili » Thu May 10, 2012 10:04 pm

I, uhm, kinda need help with something.

I have a friend/classmate of mine who is like Emi...well, a lot. She has legs and she doesn't like running, but her attitude is exactly the same.

She doesn't let people in, ever. I've known her for 8 years now, and she has never told me anything about her issues. She doesn't tell me what's wrong but somehow expects me to do something about it. And whenever I try to tell her that it bothers me, she just shrugs and ignores me 'til I get over it and have the patience for her again.

I just don't know what to do, it's been a long time and she doesn't let me in...ever...Is there something I've been doing wrong all along? I'm there for her when she needs me, I give her advice...

She's kinda manipulative, she clearly knows how to get what she wants. Ever since her father left her family for another woman, this only got worse. I don't know what to do but to be there for her, but that doesn't seem to work at all.

What should I do? I'm afraid that when she transfers to another school next year, she won't have somebody with my patience at her side, and people will get mad at her, leaving her lonely and pretty much making all her advance useless.
Lilly > Misha> Shizune > Hanako > Emi > Rin

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Total Destruction
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Total Destruction » Thu May 10, 2012 10:53 pm

Hi, my name's Total Destruction. I'm on and off anxiety medications, I've got an addictive personality disorder, I'm in the process of trying to kick one of my last vices, I'm manic-depressive as all get-out, and I've been down more than a few paths in this weird journey we call life that were clear mistakes that I don't recommend. And I feel like a punk because I've been browsing this forum for weeks now reading all of your life stories and whatnot, and a lot of you, despite getting the short end of the stick and dealing with stuff that would have killed me, continue to stick it out, handle it and make something good come out of it. That's nuts. More power to everyone in this thread. You all are killer people, and I could learn a thing or two.

Now, let's see what we can do about THIS...
Aili wrote:I, uhm, kinda need help with something.

I have a friend/classmate of mine who is like Emi...well, a lot. She has legs and she doesn't like running, but her attitude is exactly the same.

She doesn't let people in, ever. I've known her for 8 years now, and she has never told me anything about her issues. She doesn't tell me what's wrong but somehow expects me to do something about it. And whenever I try to tell her that it bothers me, she just shrugs and ignores me 'til I get over it and have the patience for her again.

I just don't know what to do, it's been a long time and she doesn't let me in...ever...Is there something I've been doing wrong all along? I'm there for her when she needs me, I give her advice...

She's kinda manipulative, she clearly knows how to get what she wants. Ever since her father left her family for another woman, this only got worse. I don't know what to do but to be there for her, but that doesn't seem to work at all.

What should I do? I'm afraid that when she transfers to another school next year, she won't have somebody with my patience at her side, and people will get mad at her, leaving her lonely and pretty much making all her advance useless.
This is one of the worst spots to be in, man. I feel you on this. And I'm starting to think that the best way to handle it is just like everyone in KS told Hisao to handle it. Space, man. Sometimes people just need some breathing room to sort things out and really evaluate just what and how much they wanna put out there, and repeatedly forcing 'em to's just gonna make 'em clam up even further and bail. And some people, at risk of sounding like an insensitive prick, NEED to fail in order to learn just how alone and vulnerable they really are.

There's no pretty, fairy-tale way of tackling this, boss. It's either confront her head-on and risk alienating her forever, or LET her screw up and pray that she learns how self-destructive her distancing is... rand hope she doesn't just keep the pattern going, you dig?

Yeesh. Best of luck to ya, yeah?
... Danger.

kushiro
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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by kushiro » Fri May 11, 2012 6:03 pm

Hello everyone, I have returned to the states finally! I'm back "home" in Alaska now, and in a little more than two weeks I'll actually be able to return home for a month.

Now that I'm back, I'll be able to participate more. Well, even if that's just lurking.

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