Hanako's Broken Heart Club

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Satchel » Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:16 pm

Been a while since i posted in this forum. Nothing really got better, things changed a bit, things happened, but it's still all the same old.

I was in a psychosomatic clinic for my depressions, social phobia and binge eating disorder. It was good, learned a lot.
I met a woman in the same station of the clinic. Older than me but i couldn't care less, she seemed the nicest and lovliest person. Just before she left (she was already longer there when i arrived) i got my guts together and told her about my feelings. Not too specific, but it was a good call. We stayed in contact over phone (was too far for visiting trips) even after i left the clinic some weeks later.
Fast forward 3 month, we talked on the phone 2-4 times a week, quite personal stuff and it seemed to get going into the right direction. But the last 2 or 3 calls i recognized she wasn't as cheerful anymore. Not that she was always happy, she has depressions too after all, but something was up.
She stopped answering my calls and messages. After 2 weeks trying i got her once and it was a short talk, that she is not feeling good lately, lots of problems, and that she needs some time for herself. I agreed to give her 2 weeks and not call.
That was the last i ever heard. I tried for weeks to contact her. Nothing.

It doesn't even hurt that much that she ceased contact, but so bluntly without any reason given, any hint at what was going on, if there was anything i could have done.

That was last November. I still think every day about her.


I've seen the fantastic Sabrina Benaim - "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"-video a while ago, and it got really to me. Today i was in thoughts and remembered the video, and then i thought i should write down what was going through my mind. I feel the urge to share it, though i am anxious if it's not any good or makes sense.
But if i wanted to share it anyway i thought this place here would be the best to find someone it resonates with.

It happens every night, very late when i am sitting in front of my PC, read everything interesting on FB, played my games to an extend they got boring or exhausting.
But i am not tired enough. I have that lump, that stone in my stomach.
I sit there late night and don't want to sleep, because i want do do soemthing.
I need to do something.
Take my mind off those thoughts that creep up now, now that i am not distracted, not busy.
Not "being alone", it's not the same.
I don't need company, i like being alone.
But i don't like being lonely.
It's the thoughts about the empty side of the bed.
The empty place opposite of where i sit in the kitchen, eating or prepping food.
The emptiness of the place beneath the mirror in the bathroom, enough for at least one other persons utensils besides mine.
The empty, cold place on the couch next to where i would sit, if i would ever sit down on the couch to watch something on TV or even just sit there.
I don't, it all doesn't distract me enough anymore from the empty spot.
Emptyness, it's just the lack of something, how do you feel something not being there?
But there it is, the emptyness of all those places.
It's not about something just filling that spot physically.
I don't need a placeholder, i don't need nor want something to lean on just to lean on it...
I want something that feels like it belongs there.
The toothbrush under the mirror in the bathroom.
The jacket on the coat rack next to mine that smells of the perfume i like on the other person.
The damn ashtray on the coffee table.
I am a ex-smoker, i don't like smokers, but dammit, LET IT BE THE DAMN USED ASHTRAY.
Just let there be something that belongs there ... someone who belongs to me.
So i can go to bed when i am tired, and don't have to try to get my mind of the empty place until i nearly fall asleep in front of the PC.
And then go to sleep in an empty bed, where there is nothing to take my mind of the empty place next to me ...
... and then, not sleep.
It's past 3 a.m. here and i don't want to go to bed.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Eurobeatjester » Thu Nov 16, 2017 3:15 pm

I need to post here because I need to post somewhere about this.

I do a lot of creative making for my side business, making cosplay props, wooden model kits and starship designs, and a bunch of other things. The reason I'm able to do this is because I'm a member of a makerspace out here that gives me access to all kinds of equipment.

When I moved to this city I was homeless and aimless. I was working a standard job but Techshop (the makerspace) gave me a purpose out here. It's my home away from home and there are times where I would spend every waking moment there learning how to do things and pushing myself farther to make things. I don't think I would have even got back into writing if it wasn't for this place.

With no warning, yesterday the makerspace declared bankruptcy and locked and chained its doors. Nobody had any idea it was happening until going to the place in the morning and finding it in that condition. They were giving people a few hours to get all their stuff out. Watching my friends load up their cars with everything they needed to make their business work was absolutely devastating. A bunch of us were and still are crying about it. We just lost a home, and while I'm not as bad off as some other people are, a lot of people just completely lost their own business if it was based out of there. I was getting to that point with the things I make.

I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
Stuff I'm currently writing: Learning To Fly: A Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route
Blank Mage wrote:
Eurobeatjester wrote:I doubt my ability to write convincing lesbian erotica
believe in yourself

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by FrauPerchta » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:21 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
I'm sorry to hear that. That must be devastating to a lot of people- I hope something similar rises up to enable you to continue to have access to that, and at least find out why it suddenly dissapeared :/

I suppose I may as well drop in here, given all thats going on in my life. I mean, its good, right? Better than before- good enough to join a forum for a game I'm replaying years after first playing it. Less depressed, though I'm starting to develop what can only be described as pure paranoia, which is troubling and doubles up on my anxiety. But, something I've been thinking on and kinda fits here is... well, something I'm only realizing now that I'm older, and has, so to speak, broken my heart, or at least damaged it. I'm trans, and have known that for many years- when I was younger, I felt so desperate for validation that I would do ANYTHING just to feel wanted, loved, cared about... and, naturally, people exploited that. There's about seven or so people out there who should be arrested for exploiting a minor, but I'm so drained and my memory so completely fucked that I cant even remember their names. But yeah. They... did that to me. A lot of shit, that back then didnt really register. Now? Now I realize thats why for years I felt repulsed by sex, had completely one-sided romantic encounters that ended in me being miserable, and with all the shit about rapists and pedophiles in the news, I'm really starting to realize how many people must have felt like I did and shit. Its not a good feeling. :/

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by WillDfly » Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:09 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:A bunch of us were and still are crying about it. We just lost a home, and while I'm not as bad off as some other people are, a lot of people just completely lost their own business if it was based out of there. I was getting to that point with the things I make.

I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
Maybe stating the obvious here, but maybe you can contact the other people and figure something out, like sharing a rented place or working in each other's places. I don't know where you live and what options you have, but your strength as a collective can reach something any one of you could.

Keep strong.

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by ArmedLiberal » Sun Jun 03, 2018 7:02 pm

So, I haven't posted in a while. I've spent the last year and a half working armed security, which I enjoy. PA school fell apart before it even began... nobody bothered to mention they count all of one's postsecondary education, and I bombed out of college 4 times before getting a diagnosis of adult ADHD. They don't care because they don't have to; with 1200 applicants and about 40 slots, they can be as choosy as they want.

So, I'm working this job at far too little to what I'm worth to get an established work history on my resume.

My wife got denied on SSDI again, and she's got an administrative law appeal coming in September. I'm told, secondhand from her attorney, that it often comes to this with SSDI applications because so many people give up or die by this point. I remain hopeful because an award comes with a huge amount of back pay (back to November 2016).

Both of her parents died in the mean time. Her mom left us a bunch of money, which has basically been spent keeping us afloat during the wait.

We talked about stuff over the last two years; I finally told her that I can't be exclusive anymore. I'm poly, and while I'm not actively looking for a girlfriend, if one drops into my lap, pursuing that relationship while also maintaining this one is on the table. I've been open about being poly the whole time... but I thought I could be happy partnered with one person. I was wrong.. very wrong. I had been having massive panic attacks with increasing frequency and regularity. I have no idea what happens when someone finally does drop into my lap (which is as inevitable as the Sun coming up each morning), but as Luke Cage would say, always forward.

My stepson is taking his driving test on Tuesday. Where did the time go?

Well, mina-san, it's pretty crazy that we've been together for this ride for so long. I never thought a dating sim game would be so life-altering.
Black Knight wrote:
Wed May 25, 2016 2:38 pm
ArmedLiberal wrote:
YutoTheOrc wrote:
MRI results came back. Similar T2 bright, non-enhancing (gadolinium contrast) lesions, and several new hypointense "blackhole" lesions on the T1 spin-echo scan. These are areas of the brain where the damage has become simply too great to repair, and so the damage is irreversible. That alone is a significant progression; she's never had any black holes before.

The bright side (if there even can be one) is that this new MRI virtually guarantees the acceptance of her Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) application.
My sympathies. Dealing with a chronic progressive disease is never easy. Have you or your wife ever heard of Dr. Terry Wahls? MS isn't my area of expertise but I came across her work while researching another autoimmune condition, and it may be worth looking into.

http://terrywahls.com/overcoming-second ... rry-wahls/

http://www.amazon.com/Wahls-Protocol-Au ... s+protocol

Best of luck.
Message truncated
So, apparently my sig was too long… so I cut it down, but I used the opportunity to expound upon—and add to—my original signature.

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by marantana » Tue Jun 19, 2018 5:29 pm

Now that I cared to read the original post, this is a really nice and good idea!

In the past few weeks my major depression has returned. Despite me taking 4+1 different medications for my conditions (Borderline with PTSD, maj. depression, bipolar 2, generalized anxiety, social anxiety->asocial and a few minor issues). Thank whoever I got permanent disability retirement 6 years ago.

As a child I had very severe asthma (it's still severe, but now, 55 years later, it can be treated a lot better), living in an emotionally neglecting family where there was rarely really talked or cuddled or anything like that. My father committed suicide due to his undiagnosed severe depression when I already had my own daughter, my mother was weird in her own way.
Problem was: due to the asthma I couldn't go outdoors except to school for most of my first 12 years. Also was bullied due to my physical condition.

Completely messed up.

In games/vn/kn like KS, Higurashi etc. I am confronted with everything I missed in my youth and adolescence, everything that can never be compensated for in later life.

Thanks for listening and all the best for fellow sufferers of any and all kinds....

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