Hanako's Broken Heart Club

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Satchel » Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:16 pm

Been a while since i posted in this forum. Nothing really got better, things changed a bit, things happened, but it's still all the same old.

I was in a psychosomatic clinic for my depressions, social phobia and binge eating disorder. It was good, learned a lot.
I met a woman in the same station of the clinic. Older than me but i couldn't care less, she seemed the nicest and lovliest person. Just before she left (she was already longer there when i arrived) i got my guts together and told her about my feelings. Not too specific, but it was a good call. We stayed in contact over phone (was too far for visiting trips) even after i left the clinic some weeks later.
Fast forward 3 month, we talked on the phone 2-4 times a week, quite personal stuff and it seemed to get going into the right direction. But the last 2 or 3 calls i recognized she wasn't as cheerful anymore. Not that she was always happy, she has depressions too after all, but something was up.
She stopped answering my calls and messages. After 2 weeks trying i got her once and it was a short talk, that she is not feeling good lately, lots of problems, and that she needs some time for herself. I agreed to give her 2 weeks and not call.
That was the last i ever heard. I tried for weeks to contact her. Nothing.

It doesn't even hurt that much that she ceased contact, but so bluntly without any reason given, any hint at what was going on, if there was anything i could have done.

That was last November. I still think every day about her.


I've seen the fantastic Sabrina Benaim - "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"-video a while ago, and it got really to me. Today i was in thoughts and remembered the video, and then i thought i should write down what was going through my mind. I feel the urge to share it, though i am anxious if it's not any good or makes sense.
But if i wanted to share it anyway i thought this place here would be the best to find someone it resonates with.

It happens every night, very late when i am sitting in front of my PC, read everything interesting on FB, played my games to an extend they got boring or exhausting.
But i am not tired enough. I have that lump, that stone in my stomach.
I sit there late night and don't want to sleep, because i want do do soemthing.
I need to do something.
Take my mind off those thoughts that creep up now, now that i am not distracted, not busy.
Not "being alone", it's not the same.
I don't need company, i like being alone.
But i don't like being lonely.
It's the thoughts about the empty side of the bed.
The empty place opposite of where i sit in the kitchen, eating or prepping food.
The emptiness of the place beneath the mirror in the bathroom, enough for at least one other persons utensils besides mine.
The empty, cold place on the couch next to where i would sit, if i would ever sit down on the couch to watch something on TV or even just sit there.
I don't, it all doesn't distract me enough anymore from the empty spot.
Emptyness, it's just the lack of something, how do you feel something not being there?
But there it is, the emptyness of all those places.
It's not about something just filling that spot physically.
I don't need a placeholder, i don't need nor want something to lean on just to lean on it...
I want something that feels like it belongs there.
The toothbrush under the mirror in the bathroom.
The jacket on the coat rack next to mine that smells of the perfume i like on the other person.
The damn ashtray on the coffee table.
I am a ex-smoker, i don't like smokers, but dammit, LET IT BE THE DAMN USED ASHTRAY.
Just let there be something that belongs there ... someone who belongs to me.
So i can go to bed when i am tired, and don't have to try to get my mind of the empty place until i nearly fall asleep in front of the PC.
And then go to sleep in an empty bed, where there is nothing to take my mind of the empty place next to me ...
... and then, not sleep.
It's past 3 a.m. here and i don't want to go to bed.
I'm scared to get close, I hate being alone
I long for that feeling to not feel at all
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by Eurobeatjester » Thu Nov 16, 2017 3:15 pm

I need to post here because I need to post somewhere about this.

I do a lot of creative making for my side business, making cosplay props, wooden model kits and starship designs, and a bunch of other things. The reason I'm able to do this is because I'm a member of a makerspace out here that gives me access to all kinds of equipment.

When I moved to this city I was homeless and aimless. I was working a standard job but Techshop (the makerspace) gave me a purpose out here. It's my home away from home and there are times where I would spend every waking moment there learning how to do things and pushing myself farther to make things. I don't think I would have even got back into writing if it wasn't for this place.

With no warning, yesterday the makerspace declared bankruptcy and locked and chained its doors. Nobody had any idea it was happening until going to the place in the morning and finding it in that condition. They were giving people a few hours to get all their stuff out. Watching my friends load up their cars with everything they needed to make their business work was absolutely devastating. A bunch of us were and still are crying about it. We just lost a home, and while I'm not as bad off as some other people are, a lot of people just completely lost their own business if it was based out of there. I was getting to that point with the things I make.

I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
Stuff I'm currently writing: Learning To Fly: A Saki Enomoto Pseudo Route
Blank Mage wrote:
Eurobeatjester wrote:I doubt my ability to write convincing lesbian erotica
believe in yourself

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by FrauPerchta » Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:21 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
I'm sorry to hear that. That must be devastating to a lot of people- I hope something similar rises up to enable you to continue to have access to that, and at least find out why it suddenly dissapeared :/

I suppose I may as well drop in here, given all thats going on in my life. I mean, its good, right? Better than before- good enough to join a forum for a game I'm replaying years after first playing it. Less depressed, though I'm starting to develop what can only be described as pure paranoia, which is troubling and doubles up on my anxiety. But, something I've been thinking on and kinda fits here is... well, something I'm only realizing now that I'm older, and has, so to speak, broken my heart, or at least damaged it. I'm trans, and have known that for many years- when I was younger, I felt so desperate for validation that I would do ANYTHING just to feel wanted, loved, cared about... and, naturally, people exploited that. There's about seven or so people out there who should be arrested for exploiting a minor, but I'm so drained and my memory so completely fucked that I cant even remember their names. But yeah. They... did that to me. A lot of shit, that back then didnt really register. Now? Now I realize thats why for years I felt repulsed by sex, had completely one-sided romantic encounters that ended in me being miserable, and with all the shit about rapists and pedophiles in the news, I'm really starting to realize how many people must have felt like I did and shit. Its not a good feeling. :/

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Re: Hanako's Broken Heart Club

Post by WillDfly » Tue Nov 28, 2017 8:09 pm

Eurobeatjester wrote:A bunch of us were and still are crying about it. We just lost a home, and while I'm not as bad off as some other people are, a lot of people just completely lost their own business if it was based out of there. I was getting to that point with the things I make.

I have no idea what the rest of us are going to do.
Maybe stating the obvious here, but maybe you can contact the other people and figure something out, like sharing a rented place or working in each other's places. I don't know where you live and what options you have, but your strength as a collective can reach something any one of you could.

Keep strong.

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