Katawa Shoujo Forums

Two major points:
1. You slip into past tense a lot - basically whenever there is a paragraph without dialogue you almost always change to past tense.
2. You lifted a whole passage verbatim from the VN just replacing Hisao with Hanako. That's not leaving a good impression.

I had plenty of friendships like that in high school and college--people who I hung out with once or twice for some reason such as a group project, then didn't see again outside of class for a semester. Sure there are people like that. I've been in the same class with people for years without getti...

Well, just keep in mind that in real life, human relationships don't usually get frozen like that for half a year - especially not when both parties are living on the same campus and are part of the same classroom...

Hmm. It really doesn't feel like a time-skip.
The freindship between Hanako and Misha does not seem to have progressed any since the end of Act I. Indeed from this chapter I'd have assumed they haven't even MET in the meantime...

Scare herself to sleep :lol: Until this chapter I was under the impression that this was set one year prior to the events of the LN. Most of the events you've covered - as far as they also appear in canon - happened at least several months before Hisao came to Yamaku. It still kind of works this way...

When I proofread someone's story I generally use the suggestion mode of Google docs (instead of just correcting everything and sending it back), so the author can see what kind of mistakes are recurring.... That is if they bother to look at them instead of just klicking "accept all"

Okay first of all a few SPaG issues (not complete, just the stuff that seems to be repeating) Hiroshi, one of the male-dormitories security personnel... As I do I spot a girl with light blueish hair in the distance by the female dormitories,... Dormitories are neither male nor female. I consider swo...

Angus and Shizune decided to play Axis & Allies first. Yuuko arrived with their orders while the two were setting up, and took Shizune and Misha’s orders before she left. Playing Axis & Allies in a restaurant? Wow, that takes some nerve :lol: IIrc a game can easily take upwards of 5-6 hours... You ...

Currently I find it hard enough to keep up with all the new stories being written (plus the three-ish projects I'm editing for) so I didn't reread all of this one. What I remember - and gleaned from my previous comments - is that it wasn't too bad, but the author apparently got fed up and wrapped it...

“Never tried it.” she said, firing off words rapidly. “Always too hot. Tea is weird. It’s dried leaves. Leaves aren’t tasty, but tea is.” This one is weird, but not in a Rin way... Has she or hasn't she tried tea before? If not how does she know it's too hot or that it's tasty? Most other SPaG issu...

I wasn't sure from the tone at first whether this was supposed to be taken seriously nor not. I think it comes off a bit to dry for parody, but too out of character for anything serious. I wouldn't even have thought to take this serious... Also, I'd suggest using the line about the dark haired trac...

Seems okay so far. Past tense is of course a perfectly valid choice, though with first person narrative it is a bit uncommon - especially here on the forum where most stories are inspired by a VN. Rin's dialogue is very good - one or two lines had me read twice until I got her meaning. I'm not perso...

You know, it was just a minor remark, not a serious error ^^° Just as a tip for future stories: If you have to make up a convoluted explanation like this, it might be easier to simply say you deviated from canon a bit for story reasons. It's nothing to be ashamed of; plenty of people do it. Instead ...

Without ever running into Lilly at the hospital? Theroretically possible but quite unlikely. (And I think it must have looked something like this ...) Lilly not contacting her right from the airport ? Even more unlikely. But her leaving on the trip with Hisao in the hospital is something I can't ima...

I don't think it's too much of a stretch that Yamaku wouldn't have it anyway.
As Oddball said, we never ever see anyone having those duties in the VN.