Katawa Shoujo Forums

Sure you have to pass customs at the airport of arrival. Why do you think they have a lane for people with "something to declare"? Griffon already told you about the script style. The reason why you should not write that way is because in a VN it is neccessary to write that way. In a fic you don't h...

I think there are two versions of that chapter in there that contradict each other. Especially when she thinks about not wanting to interfere with her friends' relationship because it might go wrong and a bit afterwards she does the exact opposite. A few minor bits that don't fit completely later on...

Isn't that also from a fanfiction?

My bad. I must have missed that half-sentence mentioning Suzu when reading the story for the first time...

The blind artist was not named in the VN. In my fic I called him Takashi, but that's by no means canon. At the moment I don't remember any other fic that featured him.
Sora is a name I have so far only heard used for females. Not sure if it is also used for males.

Very nice new chapter. Carry on.

Hey, Hisao's room has a direct connection to the showers again . Sorry, insider... Anyway it hasn't. You have to go through the hallway. Also, since the story is Lilly pov, it sounds a bit strange having her refer to her "wet, slick" skin... Oh, and her father calling her Lillian reminded me of a ce...

Regarding those exclamations, they don't only occur in Lilly's path but in others as well. For example Emi's has quite a lot. The question came up during translation: Those exclamations are not supposed to be any indicaion as to Hisao's (or Emi's or anyone else's) religion. They are simply figures o...

She is from Yamaku or they wouldn't have graduated together.
Also, I think it's not one of those mentioned before, or Hisao would have referred to her as his wife earlier.
Given the above and also given who wrote this story you can probably give a pretty accurate guess...

You get to choose your topics in high school math classes in the US?
Here, calculus took up the whole of 11th grade and a good chunk of 12th and 13th as well.

In the second paragraph, I'd use "it" for the second music player.
Otherwise no complaints so far, but try to avoid making your OC into a mary sue - there are some early indications for that...

Even if Hisao isn't shown in full uniform, other characters are: White shirt, green trousers.
I doubt anyone would wear anything above that in June if they don't have to. I know I was glad whenever I couldmtake of my suit jacket in the office. Exception Kenji of course, but he also wears a scarf

Nice start. Only a few typos, but you misspelled Mutou twice. A few other things: Hisao wouldn't wear sweaterwests to classes. Yamaku has uniforms for that. So Emi wouldn't have seen him in one at that point either. Heterochromia is okay, but does she really need another disability in addition to he...

Just look up the difference on wikipedia. This is not what this thread was made for.u

I take it you're not completely serious about this, are you?Because if I honestly had to criticise this, I wouldn' t know where to begin...

No. This is a fanfic, not a VN. Yes but it's a fanfic OF a VN, so it's sensible. It isn't a CYOA if the author fully intends to flesh out all the choices regardless of what the audience might choose, as has been done repeatedly in other 'route' fics. I didn't say it was a CYOA. I said it doesn't ma...