Katawa Shoujo Forums

Try variating your sentences a bit. Almost two thirds of your sentences start with "I".

The not looking at her is more that he doesn't know how to react around Hanako in case looking at her could cause problems,... ...and that is exactly what would usually set off her apprehensions. You know, it's okay to write a character with an alternate personality. I did write an alternate person...

“I'm scared, Suzu.” He forces the words out, stupid male pride.

She's one to talk

Hmm... People never write about the icky part afterwards...

It is the real Hanako, she just acts differently around the main character (the full explanation will come later on in the story). You better have a VERY good explanation for her behaviour - maybe she is on drugs? This is the first time Hanako and your OC even meet (discounting his self introductio...

I do not "look down" on fanfiction.net.
It's just that I don't have an account there and don't intend to make one, and thus don't read any stories there. It's more of a time management issue.

Who is that person who calls herself Hanako, and what have you done to the real one? A lot of typos and a few grammar issues again... And I don't think a native english speaker would have any problems with an English test. Even if the Japanese teaching methods are... suboptimal, the language itself ...

Shizune and Misha notice the time as well. Signing to each other, I miss most of what they are saying or doing, still in my thoughts. “So, how was the tour Hiroshi? I am sure you liked two cute girls showing you around, Hahaha~!” Misha’s excitement had something more to it, though I’m still on dist...

Besides "Ascent" I recommend "Going the Distance" and "Emi's Winter Break"

Also, there are "A Wedding With Lilly" (which is only a short one-shot) and "Tripping" (which does not focus on Hisao and Emi exclusively).

I'm sure there are more, but I don't have time for a forum trawl right now...

No. It was your choice of posting location.

“You don't look like they're usual creations.”

Ouch!

I like Hisao's scientific smart-assery (if that's a word). More of that please

Too bad. This was promising.

“I meant what you knew.”

Intentional?

Another scene lifted straight from the VN - Why?
This scene is in every route, so most people around here have read it a least six times already, not counting its appearance in other fanfictions.
Also LOTS of missing words and typos for such a short chapter. You might consider getting a proofreader.

And "slaloming" seems to be a rather unusual word to many of the readers. However, in Sweden (and Norway) it's a very commonly used word (The origin is Norwegian ^^).

Slalom is a perfectly common word in any country that participates in alpine skiing.

It's been quite some time. When he started talking to Hisao I was confused for a bit until I remembered that this story was about an OC and not Hisao PoV. “Look, if you’re going to take a girl out on a date, you can’t see each other until the date. I mean, come on, that’s like the first sentence on ...