Katawa Shoujo Forums

as Mutou’s hands become a blue, a blur to get back and Kenji somehow back at Kanji My watch says that it is seven o’ clock sharp, ... The sun begins to set in the distance, Very minor thing: At 7pm it's probably almost completely dark at that time of year. Is that..? Is that another chance meeting?...

“Miki? You mean Miura?” The paranoia vanishes at the sound of her name. “Why didn't you say so?” he continues, smacking me on the shoulder. “She's one of my top agents. You'll be in good hands.” That was... unexpected. Congratulations, you gave that scene a unique twist. Oh, and I think Miki alread...

I open my eyes again, staring at the space in front of me. So Hisao, you... you really have figured me out.

You mean she still doubted that?
It's been quite obvious for several chapters now.

Ooookay... I assume you didn't aspire to literary greatness here, so I'll keep this short. The one thing that stands out the most in your story (also probably the easiest to fix) is that more than half your sentences start with "she". A little variation there can do wonders. Also, your OC seems like...

I maintain my rigid stance. “Yamaku Academy, ma'am!” I emphasize the change in gender for my address. “Finest school for the physically disabled this side of the Pacific, ma'am!” ... Thinking about how this dialogue would sound in Japanese with all the honorifics cracked me up :lol: Good story so f...

Even in the Manly Picknick route there are some scenes with Hanako and Lilly that you cannot avoid, for example in Lunch Evolution Theory or in Cold War. Depending on the exact route Hisao took to the manly picnick there might be more. As he said he never joined the student council, he probably also...

Being willing to give up your life for someone is one thing, deliberately going into situations you probably won't survive, when more competent folks are available to take the mission is another. Are you sure this is what you meant? This sounds as if giving up your life for somebody were less diffi...

Looks fine so far; just two comments: For one thing I agree with what was already said about too many chance meetings. I think Akira works quite a ways from Yamaku, so the chances she would go to the Shanghai just for a cup of coffee without also meeting Lilly are slight. Same for the last meeting i...

I also use Helbereths approach. I mark/comment on errrors or other issues as I read the story for the first time. If you already know a story you will not be as observant as you were when you read it the first time. I do admit that it lessens the enjoyment you would get if you read the story in one ...

Basically, I think Girl (Yumi) having cancer, even in remission, is perfectly within the bounds of reason for admission to Yamaku. You know it never even occured to me that it wouldn't be. For a while, Misha having cancer was one of the leading theories here on the forums, and it's the one I went w...

Agreed. Though the ''being joined at the hip'' could also be about Hanako and Lilly's friendship,.... If it had been about Hanako, I'd have expected something along the lines of "She was always clinging to that friend" or "That friend was always there for her" etc. The "Being joined at the hip" is ...

Well, you let Hanako use "Hicchan", which is in the context of KS obviously Misha's trademark. Then the remark about His wife and her friend "being joined at the hip" which also doesn't quite describe Hanako and Lilly's relationship. So, yes, you wanted to mislead the readers, but there wasn't much ...

Obviously intentionally misleading.
And to be honest not the best example of this, since even reading the story a second time I can't fit some of the descriptions and memories to Hanako.

I agree, pleas from Hideaki wouldn't matter at all - he's not even a student at Yamaku.
It's solely up to Hisao to press charges or not. (Assuming he can persuade his parents)

Though "Mysteries" is stretching the meaning of the word.
"Killing sprees" is more like it.