Katawa Shoujo Forums

Writing is good except for this: I und o ue my uniform’s cuff and roll it up to my elbow About the characters... While Scissorlips' story is fine in many ways, in others I wish so many writers wouldn't try to copy it. One of those things is the Hollywood depiction of her narcolepsy which you seem to...

dewelar wrote:

Mirage_GSM wrote:To be honest I wasn't that impressed with the prologue, but the three chapters that followed more than made up for it.

The who to the what now?

The continuation.

To be honest I wasn't that impressed with the prologue, but the three chapters that followed more than made up for it.
I'd also have liked to see more of the story, but I think the story achieved what it set out to do, and the place it ends is very appropriate.

I suggest simply changing it to a "warm breeze", and all will be well.

Good second chapter.

The canonical English teacher of class 3-2 is Miss Miyagi, and you might want to drop a reason why a girl with a middle-ear problem is in the class for the vision-impaired somewhere in the next few chapters.

You do need an editor, but I'm sure someone like Mirage_GSM will come along and make it good. Well, there was nothing about grammar or spelling I really feel the need to point out. I agree about the pacing being a bit fast, though. The only other thing was that calling out the similarity of Haruhik...

I liked it - I like such "behind the scenes-scenes" in general, but the execution was well done.
Usage of "had" seems to be fine to me, but I agree a few sentences could do with a bit of splitting. Nothing too bad, though.

As for Miki not doing the test... I dunno. I personally know someone who's as brash and cocky as Miki: my sister. She will test you, and she will drop you in a second if you fail her. The drinking thing was a bit farfetched, but then again, this is a work of fiction. Writing fiction does not exempt...

Nice... but if you're writing a story with a twist ending it would be a good idea not to give it away in the title...

People die because they neglect their health all the time - though I admit this case would be rather extreme...

This was written by Kosher... Consider it par for the course

That was so bad it went full circle to awesome

All three of us are sitting in Suzu's room right now. ... All three of us are standing just outside Aura Mart. You start thae chapter in Suzu's room and then jump into a flashbackwithout any warning. I suggest either separating the flashback somehow (****) or putting it in past tense. "This was all...

I'm dreading the size of the update Helbereth is going to inflict on us after this long a hiatus...

I knew someone would think Kazumi is just another Hanako, and I'm trying my best not to make her seem that way. It's not so much she is nervous around everyone, but just guys, and there is a reason for that. Also, she isn't, well you know, burned. I understand where you're coming from though, and I...