After the Fall [Alternate-Ending, Update Two]
Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2014 7:47 pm
Last week it hardly took me long to realize that the cafeteria's food was mediocre at best, and that the best way to deal with it was to eat it quickly and be done with it.
Today, I think that I learned that knowing you've got people shifting uncomfortably to watch you, considering approaching you but always seeming to shirk away from it makes you wolf down that same food like a starved dog, just so that you can escape being a center of attention. Even choosing what I thought was a relatively empty area of the cafeteria, eyes followed me from three or four tables away as I simply ate. Judging me, apparently seeing me in the same light as some actor on television. There's hardly a doubt in my mind that the stomach ache was worth going in, eating, and getting out of the cafeteria within just ten minutes. Escaping from the pressure-cooker of a situation before it became too much to bear.
Exhaling, I realize just how quickly I'm walking through the blessedly empty hallways. Straightening myself, I'm suddenly aware that I feel like I've got the faintest perspiration all over, sweating from a combination of the situation I escaped and the pace I'd unknowingly set for myself. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, allowing myself to rest on the wall for a moment as I place a hand over my chest, disconcerted by my lack of fitness and the possible impact on my heart.
A few deep breaths as I close my eyes to focus on the sound and feel of my heartbeat... I nod at the relative 'normalness' of the rhythm after a short span. I'm not overdoing it, just terribly out of shape.
When I open my eyes, I'm almost surprised to see Rin Tezuka halfway down the hallway, wandering without intent with that awkward gait of hers and seemingly looking past me. She suddenly seems to notice me as I push off from the wall and hope to walk by without much of an incident, putting on what looks like a pensive expression as she actually looks at me rather than through me. "Did you know that they had more than one lock?" She asks with a mildly put-off expression, as though the fact that 'they' had more than one lock was somewhat concerning or annoying; like it was something that made her have to do something. Although come to think of it, random as Rin might be it seemed somewhat odd to find her wandering around.
I can't help but pinch the bridge of my nose with the hand that'd been on my chest just a few seconds ago as I try to follow Rin's logic, or lack thereof. "One lock for what, Rin?"
She looks at me, through me with an expression of non-comprehension. "The roof." My jaw clamps shut like a steel trap as Rin seems to think of something for a moment. She's one of the last people who I would expect to be 'in' on all of the gossip of the school. But at the same time, the idea that she hasn't heard at all, or doesn't care about my reaction to what she's saying is somewhat incomprehensible given the circumstances of the school. She'd have to be deaf as Shizune, and without the aid of an interpreter to not have overheard something or the other. That same feeling of dread, of near-physical illness that I'd had on stepping into my classroom today seems to come back in full force. I can suddenly feel myself begin to sweat, ignoring the sudden diatribe Rin starts off on, looking past me all while suddenly acting very confused by locks and doors.
It's my fault that there'd be a new padlock on the door to the roof. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if all roof access was cut off for years because of how Sunday almost turned out. It'd be a decade before someone would eventually cut off the padlock again and open up that avenue to anyone who wanted to have lunch outside but not out on the grounds.
"...-doors are only there because they need to let you in and out already. They're just holes in walls that can be walls again." She says evenly, turning her attention back actually towards me rather than through me suddenly. Startlingly enough, she actually seems to come in touch with reality for long enough to look vaguely concerned and voice it. "Are you OK, Hisao?"
A sharp breath and a quick nod, followed by a strained false smile is all I can come up with as I think of a way to escape. "I'm fine, I've... Gotta go get some stuff though. Sorry, Rin. Later." I mutter weakly, getting a raised eyebrow and nonchalant shrug from Rin in response as I begin to wander the halls once again.
It's a mindless way to waste the time and avoid meeting anyone else between my finishing lunch and getting back to class... And it works.
Back to class, back to throwing myself into the lesson with an abandon that surprises me. I finish the lesson's work as the teacher is only just getting to the questions, begin to go ahead of the lesson and only focus on the teacher when she's explaining something that I didn't understand in the text. There's some group-work for English, and although Shizune and Misha both look at me pointedly for a few seconds, as if asking for some sort of unconscious approval they look away when I continue to pointedly ignore them.
After all, I've already finished ninety-percent of the work... I can't help but think that besides finishing that little bit of work it'd just be the two of them trying to avoid some landmine or the other and trying to make some sort of meaningless conversation with me. I actually kind of appreciate the fact that they don't impose on me by pushing their desks over regardless, and file that little fact in the back of my mind. Hopefully, in a while I might be able to just... Feel better. Maybe then I can thank them a little more properly.
I'm neither surprised nor pleased when the final bell rings. I'm already well-ahead on all of my work, having finished most of my homework when I was supposed to be doing group-work. In fact, it almost frustrates me that there won't be much for me to focus on tonight in the realm of schoolwork. I'll have to find something else to do... Sitting in my room doesn't seem like an appealing prospect, but neither does the idea of being around people.
The saving-thought comes to mind as I lazily sit back and wait for the rest of the class to file out ahead of me. I'm in no rush as I contemplate what I should do next, and neither is only one of my classmates, Hanako.
The library.
The thought comes to mind thanks to Hanako's own reading habit, she's even got a book out now as she most likely waits for Lilly. The library is quiet, likely to be relatively empty, or at the very least have some quiet spots left in it for me to find and use for a few hours. I can pick up some new reading material, get into it, and not have to leave for at least a few hours. After that, maybe I can go get some dinner, and then go to my room and call it an early night.
I grab my bag from the floor next to me, stand up and make my way across the room, almost making it out the door without incident.
Even closer than almost... I think that I make it through the door without incident. But my ankle catches something right in the doorframe, and I awkwardly stumble over it with my hasty stride. A blink and a flash later, and I'm on my knees, the instinctive arm that shot out to brace me from the fall succeeding in keeping me at least from falling face-first. The voice that comes just as suddenly as the sudden tripping explains the situation even as it inquires.
"I'm sorry, did I run into someone?"
Lilly Satou. She must have had her cane out in front of her, and I tripped right over the tip of it in the doorframe as she was coming to 'pick up' Hanako after class. I wince internally, knowing that unlike Rin, Lilly will just as certainly know about the details of my... Accident on Sunday. But I'd feel just as guilty leaving her without knowing what'd just happened. She'd really made an effort to make me feel welcome last week... Even if I couldn't open up about things on the way back from the store on Friday. Hopefully, I can keep this short.
"Yeah, no problem though. I'm alright." I respond, swallowing past a lump in my throat as Lilly's concerned expression deepens hearing my voice before she does her best to hide it. Unsurprisingly, her best-hidden expression of concern is... Not the most convincing. I get to my feet easily enough, brushing some imagined dirt off my knees.
"Hisao, is that you?"
"Yeah." I say shortly, grimacing as I realize that Hanako is probably able to overhear the conversation back in the classroom as well, hoping to keep this as short as possible.
Lilly's expression of concern becomes even more transparent as she seems to wrestle with something in her mind for a moment, before finally giving in and speaking. "Are you... Doing well?" She asks, the strain in her voice making me cringe slightly. She doesn't want to ask the question, it's discourteous. But at the same time, she might have somehow managed to make herself feel guilty about the whole ordeal. It dawns on me that besides my going to class on Saturday, she'd been the last person I really interacted with before the whole... Ordeal, with Kenji. Sure, I tried to 'hang out' with Hanako in the library after classes were over, but just reading with someone hadn't exactly been an equivalent to interaction.
Just in the brief span I'd known Lilly, I have a sinking feeling that she's going to feel sorry for me. To try and make me feel better. Somehow think that she can take on some part of the whole situation.
"Yeah... I'm... Doing OK." I finally settle on, slowly trying to decide the least concerning words that are truthful enough to keep her at bay. Lilly's expression shows all too well that her concern hasn't exactly gone away, but hopefully her politeness will keep it at bay for at least long enough for me to escape to get through the rest of the evening with my little somewhat hastily made but appealing plan for it intact. She looks like she's wrestling with the idea once again, though this time the other side; the prim, proper, polite one seems to win out as she gives a single slight nod.
"Hanako and I were going to the tearoom, if you'd like to join us?" She asks softly, although her tone and expression betray the fact that it's very much an empty-seeming invitation. There's no real expectation of acceptance. I shake my head, before realizing the futility of it and voicing my answer instead.
"No... Maybe another time. I've got, uh... Homework." I lie, badly, simply hoping against hope that my tone is more convincing than I'm sure the words and expression I'm wearing are.
Surprisingly, another voice joins the conversation. "A-are you... Sure?"
Hanako is in the doorway to the classroom, apparently having readied her things to go with Lilly after the calamity of my falling. A quick glance at Lilly shows that I'm not the only one surprised at her jumping into a conversation, especially one that'd already been awkward before her coming. In the brief few conversations I've had with Hanako, there have been precious few times she's shown much initiative.
Not unlike my conversation with Mutou, the sincerity of it all puts me a little at ease. I take a deep breath... Both Hanako and Lilly had been... Accepting wouldn't even do justice to what they'd been willing to do for me since I've come to Yamaku. It's only been a week, and really I've only known either of them for a few days. But Hanako has let me just a little bit closer than anyone else in our entire class seems to her, and Lilly had been completely open to going even a little bit out of her way to helping me. They might not judge me the same way that I could feel practically everyone else judging me throughout today. They wouldn't broach the topic of why everyone else was judging me, or at least seemed like they wouldn't. Lilly being too polite, Hanako too timid.
Maybe... Just maybe it'd be alright. And if it wasn't, ducking out wouldn't be all too hard. Neither of the two girls would or could exactly stop me if I decided that I would be better off heading to the library or my room. Realizing the awkwardly long silence, Hanako's blushing at her short 'outburst' and Lilly's expression of surprise having faded once again to concern, I finally answer.
"Well... Maybe I don't have that much homework." I half-mumble.
"I could join you for a cup of tea."
Today, I think that I learned that knowing you've got people shifting uncomfortably to watch you, considering approaching you but always seeming to shirk away from it makes you wolf down that same food like a starved dog, just so that you can escape being a center of attention. Even choosing what I thought was a relatively empty area of the cafeteria, eyes followed me from three or four tables away as I simply ate. Judging me, apparently seeing me in the same light as some actor on television. There's hardly a doubt in my mind that the stomach ache was worth going in, eating, and getting out of the cafeteria within just ten minutes. Escaping from the pressure-cooker of a situation before it became too much to bear.
Exhaling, I realize just how quickly I'm walking through the blessedly empty hallways. Straightening myself, I'm suddenly aware that I feel like I've got the faintest perspiration all over, sweating from a combination of the situation I escaped and the pace I'd unknowingly set for myself. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding, allowing myself to rest on the wall for a moment as I place a hand over my chest, disconcerted by my lack of fitness and the possible impact on my heart.
A few deep breaths as I close my eyes to focus on the sound and feel of my heartbeat... I nod at the relative 'normalness' of the rhythm after a short span. I'm not overdoing it, just terribly out of shape.
When I open my eyes, I'm almost surprised to see Rin Tezuka halfway down the hallway, wandering without intent with that awkward gait of hers and seemingly looking past me. She suddenly seems to notice me as I push off from the wall and hope to walk by without much of an incident, putting on what looks like a pensive expression as she actually looks at me rather than through me. "Did you know that they had more than one lock?" She asks with a mildly put-off expression, as though the fact that 'they' had more than one lock was somewhat concerning or annoying; like it was something that made her have to do something. Although come to think of it, random as Rin might be it seemed somewhat odd to find her wandering around.
I can't help but pinch the bridge of my nose with the hand that'd been on my chest just a few seconds ago as I try to follow Rin's logic, or lack thereof. "One lock for what, Rin?"
She looks at me, through me with an expression of non-comprehension. "The roof." My jaw clamps shut like a steel trap as Rin seems to think of something for a moment. She's one of the last people who I would expect to be 'in' on all of the gossip of the school. But at the same time, the idea that she hasn't heard at all, or doesn't care about my reaction to what she's saying is somewhat incomprehensible given the circumstances of the school. She'd have to be deaf as Shizune, and without the aid of an interpreter to not have overheard something or the other. That same feeling of dread, of near-physical illness that I'd had on stepping into my classroom today seems to come back in full force. I can suddenly feel myself begin to sweat, ignoring the sudden diatribe Rin starts off on, looking past me all while suddenly acting very confused by locks and doors.
It's my fault that there'd be a new padlock on the door to the roof. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if all roof access was cut off for years because of how Sunday almost turned out. It'd be a decade before someone would eventually cut off the padlock again and open up that avenue to anyone who wanted to have lunch outside but not out on the grounds.
"...-doors are only there because they need to let you in and out already. They're just holes in walls that can be walls again." She says evenly, turning her attention back actually towards me rather than through me suddenly. Startlingly enough, she actually seems to come in touch with reality for long enough to look vaguely concerned and voice it. "Are you OK, Hisao?"
A sharp breath and a quick nod, followed by a strained false smile is all I can come up with as I think of a way to escape. "I'm fine, I've... Gotta go get some stuff though. Sorry, Rin. Later." I mutter weakly, getting a raised eyebrow and nonchalant shrug from Rin in response as I begin to wander the halls once again.
It's a mindless way to waste the time and avoid meeting anyone else between my finishing lunch and getting back to class... And it works.
Back to class, back to throwing myself into the lesson with an abandon that surprises me. I finish the lesson's work as the teacher is only just getting to the questions, begin to go ahead of the lesson and only focus on the teacher when she's explaining something that I didn't understand in the text. There's some group-work for English, and although Shizune and Misha both look at me pointedly for a few seconds, as if asking for some sort of unconscious approval they look away when I continue to pointedly ignore them.
After all, I've already finished ninety-percent of the work... I can't help but think that besides finishing that little bit of work it'd just be the two of them trying to avoid some landmine or the other and trying to make some sort of meaningless conversation with me. I actually kind of appreciate the fact that they don't impose on me by pushing their desks over regardless, and file that little fact in the back of my mind. Hopefully, in a while I might be able to just... Feel better. Maybe then I can thank them a little more properly.
I'm neither surprised nor pleased when the final bell rings. I'm already well-ahead on all of my work, having finished most of my homework when I was supposed to be doing group-work. In fact, it almost frustrates me that there won't be much for me to focus on tonight in the realm of schoolwork. I'll have to find something else to do... Sitting in my room doesn't seem like an appealing prospect, but neither does the idea of being around people.
The saving-thought comes to mind as I lazily sit back and wait for the rest of the class to file out ahead of me. I'm in no rush as I contemplate what I should do next, and neither is only one of my classmates, Hanako.
The library.
The thought comes to mind thanks to Hanako's own reading habit, she's even got a book out now as she most likely waits for Lilly. The library is quiet, likely to be relatively empty, or at the very least have some quiet spots left in it for me to find and use for a few hours. I can pick up some new reading material, get into it, and not have to leave for at least a few hours. After that, maybe I can go get some dinner, and then go to my room and call it an early night.
I grab my bag from the floor next to me, stand up and make my way across the room, almost making it out the door without incident.
Even closer than almost... I think that I make it through the door without incident. But my ankle catches something right in the doorframe, and I awkwardly stumble over it with my hasty stride. A blink and a flash later, and I'm on my knees, the instinctive arm that shot out to brace me from the fall succeeding in keeping me at least from falling face-first. The voice that comes just as suddenly as the sudden tripping explains the situation even as it inquires.
"I'm sorry, did I run into someone?"
Lilly Satou. She must have had her cane out in front of her, and I tripped right over the tip of it in the doorframe as she was coming to 'pick up' Hanako after class. I wince internally, knowing that unlike Rin, Lilly will just as certainly know about the details of my... Accident on Sunday. But I'd feel just as guilty leaving her without knowing what'd just happened. She'd really made an effort to make me feel welcome last week... Even if I couldn't open up about things on the way back from the store on Friday. Hopefully, I can keep this short.
"Yeah, no problem though. I'm alright." I respond, swallowing past a lump in my throat as Lilly's concerned expression deepens hearing my voice before she does her best to hide it. Unsurprisingly, her best-hidden expression of concern is... Not the most convincing. I get to my feet easily enough, brushing some imagined dirt off my knees.
"Hisao, is that you?"
"Yeah." I say shortly, grimacing as I realize that Hanako is probably able to overhear the conversation back in the classroom as well, hoping to keep this as short as possible.
Lilly's expression of concern becomes even more transparent as she seems to wrestle with something in her mind for a moment, before finally giving in and speaking. "Are you... Doing well?" She asks, the strain in her voice making me cringe slightly. She doesn't want to ask the question, it's discourteous. But at the same time, she might have somehow managed to make herself feel guilty about the whole ordeal. It dawns on me that besides my going to class on Saturday, she'd been the last person I really interacted with before the whole... Ordeal, with Kenji. Sure, I tried to 'hang out' with Hanako in the library after classes were over, but just reading with someone hadn't exactly been an equivalent to interaction.
Just in the brief span I'd known Lilly, I have a sinking feeling that she's going to feel sorry for me. To try and make me feel better. Somehow think that she can take on some part of the whole situation.
"Yeah... I'm... Doing OK." I finally settle on, slowly trying to decide the least concerning words that are truthful enough to keep her at bay. Lilly's expression shows all too well that her concern hasn't exactly gone away, but hopefully her politeness will keep it at bay for at least long enough for me to escape to get through the rest of the evening with my little somewhat hastily made but appealing plan for it intact. She looks like she's wrestling with the idea once again, though this time the other side; the prim, proper, polite one seems to win out as she gives a single slight nod.
"Hanako and I were going to the tearoom, if you'd like to join us?" She asks softly, although her tone and expression betray the fact that it's very much an empty-seeming invitation. There's no real expectation of acceptance. I shake my head, before realizing the futility of it and voicing my answer instead.
"No... Maybe another time. I've got, uh... Homework." I lie, badly, simply hoping against hope that my tone is more convincing than I'm sure the words and expression I'm wearing are.
Surprisingly, another voice joins the conversation. "A-are you... Sure?"
Hanako is in the doorway to the classroom, apparently having readied her things to go with Lilly after the calamity of my falling. A quick glance at Lilly shows that I'm not the only one surprised at her jumping into a conversation, especially one that'd already been awkward before her coming. In the brief few conversations I've had with Hanako, there have been precious few times she's shown much initiative.
Not unlike my conversation with Mutou, the sincerity of it all puts me a little at ease. I take a deep breath... Both Hanako and Lilly had been... Accepting wouldn't even do justice to what they'd been willing to do for me since I've come to Yamaku. It's only been a week, and really I've only known either of them for a few days. But Hanako has let me just a little bit closer than anyone else in our entire class seems to her, and Lilly had been completely open to going even a little bit out of her way to helping me. They might not judge me the same way that I could feel practically everyone else judging me throughout today. They wouldn't broach the topic of why everyone else was judging me, or at least seemed like they wouldn't. Lilly being too polite, Hanako too timid.
Maybe... Just maybe it'd be alright. And if it wasn't, ducking out wouldn't be all too hard. Neither of the two girls would or could exactly stop me if I decided that I would be better off heading to the library or my room. Realizing the awkwardly long silence, Hanako's blushing at her short 'outburst' and Lilly's expression of surprise having faded once again to concern, I finally answer.
"Well... Maybe I don't have that much homework." I half-mumble.
"I could join you for a cup of tea."