Good Things Not to Feel [Misha]
Posted: Mon Nov 23, 2015 7:04 pm
time I will come to forget you.
Lately I've been on a kick of kicking around the thought of looking her up and then kicking myself for kicking the thought around. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed, just that it's been at the back of my mind for a while. What's she doing? How is she? Can I think about her in the same way I did back then?
Does she even remember me?
Of course, I already know the answer to one of those inside. I never stopped feeling that way. It makes me feel stupid, to still be longing after all these years. It comes to me in waves, when I'm alone, or when I'm lying in bed at night. The first snow of winter. School buses outside my window, cramming in sleepy kids who want to go back to bed. I think about her and back to the way she looked at me and acted around me and smiled just for me and it does still hurt. Even after all this time. I might be remembering wrong. Maybe she never looked at me like that at all.
It's like one big, long, cycle. I remember all of the good things I used to enjoy so much, and then it comes to mind that they're gone now. Lost to time. Just memories. After that I'm just apathetic about it, and then I forget for a while... but it always comes back, and I wish it just wouldn't. Bitterness is not in my nature; it's just not the kind of person I am. I wasn't back then, either. Blunt, maybe, but I've never considered myself to be all that harsh. Sometimes, though, I question if the experiences I had in high school were worth the pain I feel now. I know it's dumb. Hindsight is 20-20 and all that, but if I could go back I don't know if I would've done things the same way if I knew what was coming.
Even questioning these things is dumb, too. I should've moved on a long time ago. I'm an adult and I'd give anything to just be one instead of pretending to do so... but that's not in my nature either, it seems. An adult wouldn't be moping around like a kid about a lost love, multiple years after the fact. That's really what it is, to be honest. I'm just moping, whining to myself about bygones that my busted brain and broken heart won't let be bygones. Even if I met someone else, it wouldn't be the same as what I want.
I look at that tiny picture of her on the social media site and she looks so similar to back then, and the pains in my chest flare up. I feel a rush of emotion, good memories playing back in my head like a tape player that's just been rewound. I see it all over again and I wonder why I do this to myself. I still love her after all, it seems.
Maybe that's why I do this. I want to look at her picture someday, her profile, see where she lives now and what she's been up to, and feel nothing. If I think about her someday, and I don't feel that pain anymore, I'll know for sure that I'm over it. I want to be over it, but I guess this is how I'll know when I'm ready. As of right now, though...
Misha... I should have said something. Even friends drift apart sometimes, it seems. I liked your hair better when it was long, and that beautiful chocolate brown. I miss your smile. If only I'd been braver, daring as usual, I wouldn't have lost you.
Maybe someday, far in the future, in
Lately I've been on a kick of kicking around the thought of looking her up and then kicking myself for kicking the thought around. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed, just that it's been at the back of my mind for a while. What's she doing? How is she? Can I think about her in the same way I did back then?
Does she even remember me?
Of course, I already know the answer to one of those inside. I never stopped feeling that way. It makes me feel stupid, to still be longing after all these years. It comes to me in waves, when I'm alone, or when I'm lying in bed at night. The first snow of winter. School buses outside my window, cramming in sleepy kids who want to go back to bed. I think about her and back to the way she looked at me and acted around me and smiled just for me and it does still hurt. Even after all this time. I might be remembering wrong. Maybe she never looked at me like that at all.
It's like one big, long, cycle. I remember all of the good things I used to enjoy so much, and then it comes to mind that they're gone now. Lost to time. Just memories. After that I'm just apathetic about it, and then I forget for a while... but it always comes back, and I wish it just wouldn't. Bitterness is not in my nature; it's just not the kind of person I am. I wasn't back then, either. Blunt, maybe, but I've never considered myself to be all that harsh. Sometimes, though, I question if the experiences I had in high school were worth the pain I feel now. I know it's dumb. Hindsight is 20-20 and all that, but if I could go back I don't know if I would've done things the same way if I knew what was coming.
Even questioning these things is dumb, too. I should've moved on a long time ago. I'm an adult and I'd give anything to just be one instead of pretending to do so... but that's not in my nature either, it seems. An adult wouldn't be moping around like a kid about a lost love, multiple years after the fact. That's really what it is, to be honest. I'm just moping, whining to myself about bygones that my busted brain and broken heart won't let be bygones. Even if I met someone else, it wouldn't be the same as what I want.
I look at that tiny picture of her on the social media site and she looks so similar to back then, and the pains in my chest flare up. I feel a rush of emotion, good memories playing back in my head like a tape player that's just been rewound. I see it all over again and I wonder why I do this to myself. I still love her after all, it seems.
Maybe that's why I do this. I want to look at her picture someday, her profile, see where she lives now and what she's been up to, and feel nothing. If I think about her someday, and I don't feel that pain anymore, I'll know for sure that I'm over it. I want to be over it, but I guess this is how I'll know when I'm ready. As of right now, though...
Misha... I should have said something. Even friends drift apart sometimes, it seems. I liked your hair better when it was long, and that beautiful chocolate brown. I miss your smile. If only I'd been braver, daring as usual, I wouldn't have lost you.
Maybe someday, far in the future, in