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Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:46 pm
by nemz
Mirage_GSM wrote:pairing Miki and Suzu as firends has been done a lot lately... Feels a bit repetitive.
Bah, they're awesome together. Just accept it man, the fandom has spoken.

All girls should come in pairs! :lol:

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:09 am
by Mirage_GSM
Of course I accept it.
For one thing it's his story, for another I like the pairing myself.
I was just noting this is the... Fifth? Story to use it...
Compared to one with Miki/Molly :-D

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 7:14 am
by nemz
Nah... Molly needs a new friend. Maybe the diabetic girl that sits by Miki that nobody ever talks about? Or maybe somebody from the mysterious class 3-1.

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:15 am
by Helbereth
nemz wrote:Nah... Molly needs a new friend. Maybe the diabetic girl that sits by Miki that nobody ever talks about? Or maybe somebody from the mysterious class 3-1.
Is there someplace to look and find the names of everyone in 3-3? Or 3-2 fror that matter? I've noticed that several of them have been used in fanfics, and it might be helpful, since I'm in the middle of writing a reunion story, to know who the other 10 or so students are in that class.

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:20 am
by Mirage_GSM
nemz wrote:Nah... Molly needs a new friend. Maybe the diabetic girl that sits by Miki that nobody ever talks about? Or maybe somebody from the mysterious class 3-1.
Heh, call me nobody, then :-)
And her name's Ikuno.

There's a picture on the shimmie with all the names, clubs and disabilities of the 3-3 students. No info on the other classes though.

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 9:43 am
by Panthour
Just a few mistakes I noticed when I read the second part again:
Meadows wrote:“We could find always find a way to make it interesting.”
Should be "We could always find a way to make it interesting" (you put 'find' either side of 'always')

and
Meadows wrote:"conspirationally"
Is spelled: conspiratorially

and
Meadows wrote:"but I’m still glad you that came to see me right away"
Should be "but I'm still glad that you came to see me right away" ('you' and 'that' should be switched)

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:10 am
by Ascended Flutist
Very nice, very nice indeed. But yes, watch the formatting, it's a bit heavy as it is.

Otherwise I have no complains. At least, nothing objectively wrong. There are a few things that bugs me (just a tiny bit), like Hisao speech pattern suddenly being a bit more colourful, including words and expressions like 'gameshow hostess', 'klutz' and, a-and...'go out on a limb'
*SFX objects falling and distant laugh*

...Ahem. But that's really minor, and that's me being picky.

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 10:46 am
by Meadows
Panthour wrote: (list of incredibly derpy mistakes)
Thank you, sir. All of those are very good catches. I may have to recruit you...
Ascended Flutist wrote:'go out on a limb'
Oh god oh god. That wasn't intentional, I swear. I've been trying to be careful with those... I blame being "in the zone" and getting too in touch with Hisao's character.

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 11:51 am
by Panthour
Meadows wrote:
Panthour wrote: (list of incredibly derpy mistakes)
Thank you, sir. All of those are very good catches. I may have to recruit you...
I would be more than happy to do any proofreading you may need. I just pointed out quite a few mistakes in Scissorlips' latest update, so I guess I just have quite a good eye for this sort of thing :)

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 4:59 am
by Scissorlips
Panthour wrote:I would be more than happy to do any proofreading you may need. I just pointed out quite a few mistakes in Scissorlips' latest update, so I guess I just have quite a good eye for this sort of thing :)
Three isn't quite a few you--no, I'm kidding. It always helps to have another pair of eyes.
As for this update, I enjoyed it quite a bit, your Nurse feels spot on and I liked the sort of bro-mance between him and Miki. Hisao was Hisao, Suzu was adorable, and I'm looking forward to reading more. Hopefully a lot more. (:

Re: Miki Route (updated 6/24)

Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2012 12:57 pm
by JTemby
I am loving the experience reading this so far, all the characters seem like themselves and the situations so far seem well thought out, which, considering the plot is sill pre-festival, has got my riding the hype train for the next instalment.
Good luck :D

Re: Miki Route (updated 7/2)

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 10:42 am
by Meadows
Hi everyone, so I'm back with another chapter. Well... more like a scene that wound up turning into a chapter. I decided I wanted to release this on its own instead of lumping it together with the festival scene.
For your convenience, this version is presented to you in luxurious, easy-to-read, DOUBLE SPACE-O-VISION!

I actually wanted to pose a question to you all, since I've been discussing the concept of dialogue choices with my beloved proofreaders:
Up until now, I've been making the dialogue choices implicit so as not to break up the flow of the story. They are in there, they just aren't highlighted with a break in the text and all that jazz.
Since there are quite a few already, I'm wondering if you'd prefer to have them explicitly stated like other writers have done? If not, I could also create some kind of footnotes or an index so that you can take a look later and see where they'd occur.

Re: Miki Route (updated 7/2)

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 10:44 am
by Meadows
======================================================
Act 1-3: The rumors of my swag have been greatly exaggerated...
======================================================

Friday passes uneventfully and now only one day remains before the festival. A nervous energy hangs in the air throughout the school, which I recognize almost immediately as I set out from the dorm for class. Everyone seems eager to get classes over and done with so that they can rush off to finish the last-minute prep work for the event. I let out a small sigh of thankfulness that I wasn’t roped into helping out with anything (even Shizune and Misha really did give up, it seems) and take a moment to entertain thoughts of how I’ll spend the rest of the afternoon relaxing once this half-day is over.

As I walk amidst the flow of students, I begin to pick up on something else, though, and it makes me pause in my musings. Maybe I’m just imagining things, but I could swear that quite a few people have been staring at me and then quickly looking away. I do a quick systems-analysis to make sure I didn’t forget something embarrassing in my usual morning stupor. Pants? Check. Zipped-up? Check. Shirt buttoned and right-side out? Check. Eye crusties all rubbed away? Check. Everything is in the green, and yet people still keep shooting me these sideways glances. A small group of girls from another year--freshmen probably--walks by while making a point of giggling and whispering very obviously while looking over their shoulders repeatedly. I know girls are girls and they tend to do that kind of thing for whatever nonsensical reason, but this is starting to turn into a pattern now.
Before entering the main building, I stop to take a look at my reflection in one of the windows. Just that plain old face staring back at me, nothing dramatic... except my frown, which deepens once I confirm that nothing is visibly out of order.

I make my way up to the third floor with stares and whispers following me all the way. As I stride uncertainly down the hallway, a guy from a different class walking the opposite way notices me and says “Dude!”, throwing up his hand for a hi-five as he passes. What? I don’t even know this kid. I shoot him a look that says as much when I walk past him and step into the classroom. Most of the students are already there, except Shizune and Misha. Their absence only strikes me as unusual for a moment until I realize that they’re probably pulling double-duty right now trying to make sure everything is ready for showtime. I wave to Suzu and Miki as I head towards my seat, but it looks like Suzu is already spending some quality face-time with her desk. Miki returns my wave with a wink and a thumbs-up that makes me wonder for a moment if there isn’t something else there besides her normal, casual friendliness. The teacher comes in shortly after I deposit my bookbag on its hook and sit down, so my thoughts about any of these oddities will have to wait.

Class seems to go by much faster than usual--even the teachers are clearly caught up in the anxiousness. When the final bell rings, thirty textbooks slam closed in unison and everyone is rushing off before the dust can settle. I sling my bag over my shoulder and decide to head down to the cafeteria to grab some lunch. Not surprisingly, the halls are almost already deserted, the last of peoples’ hurried steps echoing and fading away as they exit the building. It’s an eerie kind of silence, and as I zone out listening to the amplified sound of my own footsteps, I jump a little when a figure emerges from an adjacent corridor crossing the main hallway I’m in. Rin appears to have been walking by with another destination in mind, but stops and tilts her head to the side when she notices me. My brain finally shifts gears to catch up, and I manage a simple “Hey Rin.”

Her only reply is silence, and she narrows her eyes slightly as if searching for some detail just beyond the reach of her vision. Rin’s gaze slowly travels from my shoes upwards, raking across my features with the attentiveness of a hawk. When she makes eye contact, her lips part in that bemused half-grin of hers, and she lets out a single “Heh” before continuing on her way down the corridor to my left. My mouth hangs open in shock and confusion as I slowly turn my head to watch her go. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this violated while still fully clothed, but I’ve been learning new things every day here so far. Okay, that’s it. I’m getting to the bottom of this. I quickly pivot on my heel and start off in the direction of... somewhere that I can find answers. Instead, I only find another obstacle blocking my path--it’s that group of freshmen girls from this morning. The three of them stand there giving me expectant looks, until one on the right says “Come on, Naruko” and shoves a rather small, meek looking girl with dark brown hair towards me. The girl fidgets nervously and looks at me expectantly for a moment before talking.

“Um... you’re Hisao Nakai, right?” she glances over her shoulder at the other girls who wave her on encouragingly, “C-can I ask you a question?”

I try not to let my frustration show, deciding that this could be the opportunity I’ve been looking for, so I nod and say, “Sure, I guess...”

“This is only something that I heard, but...” she takes a small step forward and then leans over just far enough to reach my ear and whisper, “Is it true that you have...”

“...”

The sheer absurdity of her question almost makes me reel backwards in shock, and my cheeks feel as though they’re burning hotter than the sun. I feel like I should probably check to make sure that my brain hasn’t melted and that gray matter isn’t oozing from my ears, but all I can do is stand there and try in vain to formulate words. A giggle from the other girls down the hall snaps me out of it and I start to regain some semblance of cognitive function. My embarrassment slowly fades into annoyance and the girl standing before me begins to look as though she’s made some terrible mistake.

“Who...” I say carefully, “Who did you hear that from?”

“Eh? I don’t really... I mean... a friend told me but,” she looks to the side while backing away and trying to remember, “I think someone else in third year? Maybe?”

Ignoring the girls, I set off down the hallway, intent on getting to the bottom of this. With lunch now long forgotten, I quickly make my way through the school and begin my search. I poke my head into different classrooms and sweep through the area outside where students are putting together their stalls. Whenever I notice someone staring or whispering, I march up to them and demand an explanation. The answers I’m given are all rumors--a mix of ridiculous, astounding, and mostly sexual content. Over the course of an hour I find out that I allegedly:

Made out with more than half of the girls on the track team

Slept with both Shizune and Misha... simultaneously.

Am really the son of a powerful Yakuza who had to move due to being in danger during a turf-war

Have somewhere between a 7-10 inch penis (depending on who you ask).

Was the former junior regional Aikido champion whose career was ended by a bad injury last season.

Have had most of my internal organs replaced with artificial substitutes, rendering me more machine than man.

It’s dizzying trying to keep track of all the rumors I manage to pressure people into telling me. I stop for a minute to sit down on a bench somewhere and slump forward, holding my head in my hands. What did I do to deserve this? Did I do something to piss someone off? Maybe Shizune and Misha really... No, it couldn’t be them. I try to summon up the memory of everyone I’ve spoken with in the last week and who might have...

A thought slowly dawns upon me, like the morning sun cresting the horizon. Of course...

I’m back on my feet again, and soon I’ve managed to hunt down the track and field club near the far end of the main path where the stalls are arranged. Among the other students bustling about, I catch a glimpse of Miki who is kneeling over a large wooden board, paintbrush in hand, putting the finishing touches on the club’s race-game. I push past a few people and make my way up to her.

“Miki,” I say, trying to keep my cool but only just barely.

She looks up and smiles when she recognizes me, “Oh, hey Hisao! What’s up?”

“Can we talk for a minute?” I try not to raise my voice and draw too much attention, but the urgency definitely seeps through.

“Right now?”

“Yes, right now,” I give her a glare to say she doesn’t really have another option.

“Sure, I’ve been wanting to take a break anyway. Good timing.”

After setting her brush down and dusting herself off, she follows me around the corner to the back of the main building where I’m pretty sure we’re out of earshot.

“Okay... so?”

I cross my arms and frown at her, “Have you been spreading those rumors about me?”

Miki looks away and rubs the back of her neck.

“The rumors, Miki,” I press further, “People have been whispering and talking about me behind my back all day. I’ve been trying to figure it out and it’s really starting to piss me off.”

“Hmm...”

“Well?”

“Yeah, I have,” she says casually, turning to look me in the eye.

“You... wh... Why?” the frankness of her reply surprises me and I start to get angry, “I don’t get it. I thought we were friends, or at least starting to be. What’s your problem?”

Miki sighs and says rather calmly, “Hisao, hold on and I can explain. Just sit down for a moment, okay?”

“No!” I assert, my voice growing louder along with my anger and confusion, “I haven’t done anything wrong here and now suddenly you’re out to mess with my reputation. You think it’s amusing or something? Hang out with the new kid so you can turn around make fun of him later!? If that’s the kind of thing you’re going to do then I don’t--”

“HISAO!” Miki hisses, her voice rising in volume to match mine, eyes flashing with an unusual intensity “Sit. Down.”

“But...”

“SIT!” she repeats forcefully, placing her left wrist on her hip and thrusting her other arm out to point at the ground in front of me.

Her words catch me off guard and I find myself complying, albeit reluctantly. Miki strides over to a nearby vending machine, slams some coins into it, and returns with a couple cans of soda, passing me one as she sits down next to me.

“I was the one who started the rumors, okay,” she pops the tab on her can rather easily with one hand and takes a quick swig before continuing, “But do you know why?”

“Because...” I start, trying to come up with an answer to explain something that really makes no sense to me, “Because you hate me?”

“Come on, Hisao. D’ya really think that’s true?” Miki blows a few loose strands of hair away from her face with a ‘pff’ and then leans back on her elbows, gazing up at the sky.

“No... probably not,” I sigh when I can’t really think of anything that sounds reasonable. But then again, this entire situation isn’t really reasonable. I wouldn’t be here talking with Miki like this if I had any clue as to what the heck was going on.

“Okay, so you’re pretty smart, right? Think about it,” she reaches over and gives me a quick tap on my forehead with her left wrist.

“Ah! Hey, what th--” I pull back and narrow my eyes at her in suspicion, mildly annoyed with her flippant gesture.

Miki ignores my look and continues, “Were any of the rumors you heard actually bad?”

“I mean... some of them were pretty uh...” I can feel my cheeks redden a little as I recall some of the specifics of the rumors.

“Not bad as in dirty, I already know that,” she gives a light laugh upon seeing my reaction, clearly taking satisfaction in her work, “I mean actually bad, like saying you’re a jerkasaurus or whatever.”

“I guess they weren’t,” I stare down at my soda can, absent-mindedly pushing the little pulltab around in circles.

“Then what’s the problem?” she says, sitting up and spreading her arms wide as if the answer is readily obvious.

“But the things you said, they aren’t true.”

“So what? Hisao, lemme explain something. You’re the new guy here, so people are gonna be curious about you, whether you realize it or not. Good, bad, they want to know stuff about you,” Miki’s brow furrows as she takes on a more serious expression--not stern, but it’s enough to show that she isn’t kidding around, “All you’ve given them to work with so far is a lame self-introduction and an argument with the Student Council. That’s not a whole lot to impress the ladies with.”

Miki pauses for another sip of soda before continuing, “I bet you anything that in another few days they’ll start to get bored and you’ll just fade into the background. Nobody will care, and if that’s what you want then it’ll definitely happen.”

“But think about it!” she suddenly wraps her left arm around my neck and holds her hand up in front of us, slowly moving it sideways as if gesturing to some vast, invisible frontier, “You’ve got like... all this potential, y’know! Nobody knows you, so you can choose to be whoever you want to be for them! I’m not saying you have to lie or make stuff up. It’s just... it’s totally your choice, man--all you have to do is show them. Isn’t that cool?”

I gaze off into the distance, pondering Miki’s words as they sink in. As twisted as her reasoning may be, it occurs to me that she does have a point. Even though she did it without asking me, it’s clear that her intentions are good--she was only trying to help me out. I continue to wrestle with my emotions for another moment, alternating between distress and relief until I come to a decision.

“Yeah, you’re right,” I say at last, nodding slightly in agreement. I even start to feel a little bad for the way I reacted earlier, “I’m... I’m sorry for getting upset at you.”

“’s okay,” Miki gives me a wide grin and looks rather proud of herself, “Not everyone knows true genius when they see at it first. You seem to have come around, though.”

She wraps her arm a little more tightly around my neck and ruffles up my hair with her hand.

“Are we cool now?” Miki asks, giving me a gentle smile.

“Almost,” I say as my lips curl ever so slightly, “We need to fix some of those rumors and get the facts straight about a few things. Certain... dimensions, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh yeah?” she raises an eyebrow at me.

“You see, I’ve actually got a...” I place one hand up to Miki’s ear and whisper the rest.

Her cheeks puff up and she bursts out in laughter, “Hahaha, you dog! No you don’t!”

I can only manage to keep a straight face for another moment before I start laughing along with her. Miki gives me a friendly punch on the arm and then we both stand up to head back towards the commotion of the work area.

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Re: Miki Route (updated 7/2)

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:38 pm
by Helbereth
Miki is evol.

No, I didn't spell that wrong.

Re: Miki Route (updated 7/2)

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:13 pm
by griffon8
Suddenly I'm reminded of the attempt to use the rumor mill in American Pie and how well that worked out for the guy.