Facing my Pains

WORDS WORDS WORDS


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demonix
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by demonix »

I wasn't sure if you did which is why I posted it and he started at a walking pace and then started running, and I doubt that either the nurse or Mutou would be able to catch up.

I did say those weren't good examples and I really didn't go into enough detail about his level of anger during the second one, and some American cops (this is not where I'm from) do have a habit of going OTT during an arrest and end up beating seven shades of crap into an arrested suspect or shocking the crap out of them which is why the detective tells the officer that 'we're not Americans' speech (I'd suggest watching a few episodes of cops uncut to get where I'm coming from, but not those on youtube since they don't seem to be in English).
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Oddball
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by Oddball »

Thanks for your open mindedness and understanding and not jumping straight into using the worst cliches possible.

I've been an American cop. As has some of my immediate family. The cop that beat him has no business being a cop, in Japan, America, or anywhere else with a decent legal system.
Not Dead Yet
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demonix
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by demonix »

I've watched enough of those police shows to know that those who think because they're the law it means that they can just beat up on any suspect they arrest are in the minority which is why I wrote just one total bad egg into that scene and that person along with the first officer to put the club in will be getting what they deserve in the next chapter.
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by Mirage_GSM »

"I've seen a lot of TV shows about X" does not equal "I know a lot about X."

Replace "X" with (police, doctors, CSI, aliens, Japan, mafia, cooking...)

Okay, you probably can learn something about cooking from watching TV...
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.
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demonix
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by demonix »

But I know enough to have a decent idea about what to write.

I've decided to split the next chapter in two as it was getting a little too big to be comfortable here.

I've already reached the break point, but it still needs a bit of tweaking in places and most likely won't be posted for a while since I want to get some of this part of the story written before posting them.
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demonix
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by demonix »

After almost two months, a lot of writers block, an unexpected heatwave and more things that I've had to deal with then I can list in the few seconds I've set myself to write this sentence, I've finally gotten the next three chapters done (which used to be two chapters before I had to split one chapter into two).

Here's the first of the three.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Aftermath

It's the beginning of another day, but it isn't what would be called a normal day after what happened yesterday.
It's the beginning of the day after the chaos of the night before, when a student died.
As I look partly at the ceiling and partly at the wall at the far end of my room, I keep on going through what happened.
I know now that what I'd done was either pointless or stupid, but at that point in time I had to do something.
While I try to get past my sore body, I look to my left where Suzu is still sleeping beside me and beyond where there is a mess of bodies.

Misha had gone deathly pale when I said who had died and it took someone writing a note to let Shizune know who responded slightly differently, but everyone except for Rin (if it was Rin) seemed to be visibly affected by what I had said.
The detective decided that we should get some sleep before being interviewed, and it was decided that we should sleep together in case I did something stupid.
However, it was the normally socially anxious Hanako who suggested this course of action, but it was only the girls who stayed over in my room, although some had to go back to their rooms first to collect vital items, as Lezard, Akio and Taro slept in their own rooms since they were in the same section and the other three male members decided to head back to their own rooms without what seemed to be a care in the world.

I was surprised that thirteen girls were able to sleep on the floor my room, but after moving a few things there was enough room to get everyone in although there was a space around the desk and chair which was occupied by Ikuno who was doing what seemed to be her daily ritual of checking her blood sugar level.
A stream of muttering started to break the silence as it looked like everyone else on the floor was starting to wake up.

“Does anyone know what the time is”, Ritsu asked “I don't think anyone set an alarm call”.
“It's just gone eight”, Misaki said after a slight delay “but there wasn't any need since it's likely that there won't be any classes today as we have to go to the police station”.
She was correct since we'd been given time to rest up and recover before being interviewed, but I'm not sure if I've fully recovered from everything that happened yesterday.
The crowd on the floor started to get up and straighten their clothes out as Suzu finally started to wake up, but there was something else I was thinking about.
“Does anyone know if there was anything left over from our booth”, I asked “I think... everyone need something to eat before we go”.
The whole room went silent, and I wasn't sure if it was because of what I'd asked or because of the tone in my voice which has been the same downtrodden tone I'd been using for most of the time after the incident happened.
I managed to deal with the shock pretty well as I handled the failed attempt to help Hisao, making sure Setou didn't get away and the delayed reaction pain after a combination of hitting the wall and the beating I got, but it was all a placebo since it returned partly after the first two events and hit with a greater impact as we headed for the dormitory, nearly making me lose everything I'd eaten during the day.
“I think there's some stuff left”, Naomi said “but we'll have to check with Taro to see what we have”.
“He did bring all the remaining food along with most of the cooking equipment”, Natsume said “so if there's enough then we can cook everything up in the kitchen”.

They were the first to leave the room after everyone agreed, while the rest continued to sort themselves out before going out into the corridor.
Eventually the room was completely empty, apart from Suzu and me.
“Are you still going to wear those”, Suzu asked.
“Until we know what will be happening after the interviews, then there's no reason to change”, I said “if we still have lessons then I'll change my trousers, and if we end up getting sent home I'll just change into some casual wear”.
“If it's the latter, then I hope that we can spend some of that time together”, Suzu said.
“I'm sure that can be arranged”, I said “if we get split up during the interviews, I'll contact you once I know everything and I've got the arrangements in place”.
Suzu smiled after I said that, but I wasn't in that much of a mood to smile.
There was a bit of commotion in the corridor as supplies were being moved down to the kitchen, but it was greater in the kitchen itself as pots were being made ready to cook everything.
Silence descended on the group once everything was cooked, and when everyone had finished eating everything that was used was cleaned up and put away.
The trip to the police station went in as much silence as when we were eating, but I did end up with a few people walking in front of me as we walked from the bus stop to the police station so we weren't stopped because of my blood stained trousers.
It looked like the police station was unusually busy which is probably to be expected after what happened yesterday, but as everyone else was escorted to their interviews, I was taken elsewhere.

“I'm sorry that we have to do this now”, the female officer said “but the chief asked for this to be done once you arrived”.
“It can't be helped”, I said “even when the criminal is a cop, you still have to gather evidence against them”.
“He only got a warning the last time because another officer managed to restrain him before any damage was done”, the female officer said “but it looks like everyone that went up there just let him do what he liked”.
“They shouldn't be blamed since they had their hands full”, I said “but I hope that the first one who hit me around the head admitted what they'd done”.
“Both of them are in the chiefs office waiting for this to be done”, the female officer said “one is likely to be dismissed and considering what the chief has been told from the detective and others the other one will be dismissed as well and might be immediately arrested afterwards”.
“There might be more to come once my parents get wind of what happened”, I said.
The officer didn't say anything else since we'd arrived at our destination.
“I've brought the person that needs to be examined”, the female officer said after she'd opened the door.
As I walked in, I saw the nurse standing next to another similarly clothed man with slightly greying hair.
“I didn't expect there would be two people doing the examination”, I said.
“We needed your schools head nurse to be present”, the man said “so we can identify the correct marks”.
“I think it would be pretty easy to do that”, I said “just don't include the big scar going down my back”.
“There are other small things that you don't know about”, the nurse said “only your own doctor and me would know what's what”.
“We should get started”, the man said “he does have to be interviewed after this”.
I quickly took the shirt and what was underneath off, and after what sounded like a lot of writing along with a few photographs it was over with and I put what I'd taken off on again and headed out of the examination room.
I managed to get back to the arena of chaos without any help, and an officer who was walking by at the time pointed me in the direction I needed to go.

As I walked in the direction, I could take in some of what was happening since it looked like they had to bring in everyone and their dogs to do all the interviews.
There were a few glances at me from some of the student, but the look on one persons face quickly turned to something that was akin to rage when he saw me.
He got out of his seat and ignoring what the woman who was sitting was saying, walked towards me.
The detective, or whoever it was that was talking to them, called for assistance to restrain this person, but it was too late as whoever it was that was walking to me had increased pace and once he was closer, he balled up his hand and once he was close enough he punched me in the face which sent me straight to the floor.
There was a lot of commotion near me when I'd shaken out the cobwebs after that punch, as the officers that were just too far away had managed to restrain this person before any further hits could be put in.
“Mister Nakai, please control yourself”, one of the officers or a detective said.
“Then why is he out here and not in a cell”, the rather irate man shouted.
“Because someone had already been detained”, a more familiar voice said “if he hadn't gone to the roof then there would only be questions as to who was up there at the time. Plus he had to watch this whole episode play out from beginning to bloody end”.
I turned my head to see Mutou standing there, attempting to explain everything, but the officers were looking at me and waiting for what I wanted to have done.
There wasn't any need for this to go any further, so I just shook my head to tell them that I didn't want to take this any further but he was told that he could have been done for assault if I had decided to take the matter further.
The man was escorted back to his seat by some of the officers, while at least three remained probably to guard me from any more punches along with Mutou.
“How have things been”, Mutou asked.
“All right, I... guess”, I said “I still have to be interviewed, though”.
“Could you come by the principals office when you get back”, Mutou said “there's something we need to talk to you about”.
I acknowledged what he'd said and continued walking under the guard of the officers that had stayed, while I wondered if that talk was about something that happened yesterday.
As I seemed to approach the room where I would be interviewed, another familiar figure approached.

“Have you been interviewed yet”, Emi said “and I'm sure that wasn't on your face a little while ago”.
Emi was, of course referring to what I think is a now rather noticeable bruise around my left eye.
“I'm heading for my interview now”, I said “and I only got this a few minutes ago”.
“I've got to head back to school”, Emi said “the captain has been told that the school is being closed for the rest of the week, and we need to figure out where each member of the team lives so we can figure out where we can train for the duration as well as getting those that are too far away into the training area”.
“I'll head back once I'm done here”, I said “but I might be delayed getting to the meeting since I have one other thing that I have to deal with first”.
“I don't think he'll be starting until there's a large enough group”, Emi said “but I'll make sure he knows that you'll be delayed”.
With that said, Emi headed back on her way.

The interview was pretty straightforward as the questioning revolved around my interactions with Hisao, what I knew about Setou and my recollection of what happened yesterday evening.
I went through my limited interactions with Hisao, what I knew about Setou including what he'd said the day before and everything I remembered about the accident including making it clear that I was unsure if the arm I saw was pushing or attempting to grab Hisao.
Once everything had been noted, I was allowed to leave, but because I was still wearing the trousers I had on yesterday along with what muse be a big bruise around my left eye, they decided that I should be driven back to Yamaku in a police car.
There were sounds of life on the school grounds when I got back, but the first thing I had to do was go to the principals office.
I felt a bit uneasy as I approached the school building, but I shook as much of it off as I could as I headed to the auxiliary building, and after some time walking around the principals office.
When I walked into the office, there was a man (most likely the principal) sitting at a rather large desk with Mutou and another person standing on either side.
“We're not going to be going on about your actions yesterday”, the principal said “I called you here for a more important reason”.
“It's Ikezawa”, Mutou said “we can't go into too much detail, but as far as we know she doesn't have anywhere to go and”.
“And you need to find somewhere for her to stay”, I said “with me being the one to be asked”.
“I'm not sure if you've been told, but the police still has to gather evidence at the school”, the principal said “and to avoid any disruption for the students, we've decided to close the school until the end of the week”.
“Emi did tell me about the school closing”, I said “but there would be someone better to deal with this problem”.
“I would disagree”, the other person said “even though there's someone that she's known for longer then you have, she seems to hold you in high regard so we decided to ask you first as her friend and classmate”.
“You seem to know a lot about Hanako”, I asked.
“I'm her therapist”, she said “she's been talking about you a lot over the past month, so I thought that we should talk to you about this even though we've told Satou as well in case you can't help”.
I pulled my phone out of the pocket it was in and started calling home.
“You don't have to do that here”, the principal said.
“I should get the approval part done now”, I said “so at least you know that I've gotten the okay from my side”.
I finished dialling the number and hit the button that starts the call, and after a few rings, someone picked up and I was bombarded with what I could call a ton of gibberish.

“Calm down, mother”, I said “I'm perfectly okay”.
“I heard on the news that a student had died”, my mother said “and since you didn't check in, I thought it was you”.
“It's been a bit... hectic”, I said “but that isn't the reason for my call”.
“What is it for”, my mother asked.
“The school is being closed for the rest of the week”, I said “and I've been asked if we can have one of the students stay for the duration”.
“Why would they ask that”, my mother asked.
“I haven't been given all the details”, I said “but I have been told that she doesn't have anywhere else to stay”.
“Do you know her”, my mother asked.
“She's a friend”, I said.
The line went silent for about thirty seconds as my mother seemed to be coming to a decision.
“I'll get the guest room ready”, my mother said.
“I'll call back in a little while”, I said “I've got a few things to do along with delivering the good news”.
The call ended after that, and I was faced with three very relieved faces.
“You should go give her the good news”, the principal said “she should either be in her own room or in Satou's room”.
Once I'd been furnished with the two room numbers, I took my leave, but I only walked a short distance from the door before picking up my phone and calling home again.
It took a bit longer then before, but the call was answered.
“I didn't expect you to call back so soon”, my mother said “I had started to prepare the guest room”.
“I needed to give you some more information”, I said “and I didn't think it would be appropriate saying this in the principals office”.
“Would this be about the girl that's coming over”, my mother asked.
“She does have some problem with social situations”, I said “and it would be good if you didn't pay too much attention to the right side of her face since it might help her remain at ease”.
“Are you sure that's everything”, my mother asked.
“It's everything that I know about her since she hasn't told me anything, and I'm not one to push for information”, I said as I remembered something else “and there'll be another person coming”.
“Would that be the girlfriend you've told me about”, my mother asked “and where will she be sleeping?”
“It is”, I said “and she'll be sleeping in my room”.
“You're not going to be doing anything naughty in there”, my mother asked.
“I doubt that we'll be doing anything like that”, I said “it'll be more studying and sleeping”.
“As long as that is all you'll be doing”, my mother said.
“We'd still take precautions if we did”, I said “I should go now since you have to finish preparing the guest room, and I've got to deliver the good news as well as sorting out the other things”.
We quickly finished off the call, and once it had ended I sent a message to Suzu saying that I've got everything arranged and that she'll be staying at my place.
I had managed to cover most of the distance between the auxiliary building and the dormitories, but now I've finished with the call I can increase my walking pace and get to my first destination a lot sooner.

There wasn't that much in the way of noise as I entered the girls' dorm, but I could start to hear the muffled sounds of a conversation as I reached the second floor and got more noticeable as I reached the corridor that both Lilly's and Hanako's rooms were located.
The conversation was more noticeable outside the door to room 225 which happened to be Lilly's room, but the conversation stopped when I knocked on the door.
“That must be him”, Lilly said “you can come in”.
I opened the door and walked in, to be greeted by a relatively calm Lilly and a slightly panicked Hanako.
“I believe that you've been told about what's happening”, Lilly asked.
“I have”, I said.
“And”, Lilly asked.
“There's a room being prepared as we speak”, I said “it did take a little bit to convince my mother”.
Lilly looked relieved when I said that, but Hanako got even more panicked.
“I-I-I don't want to go”, Hanako said.
“I've given my mother as much information as I could”, I said “so you can be at ease while you're there”.
“He wouldn't let such critical information be left out”, Lilly said “I'm sure you'll be able to manage, and I'm certain that there'll be enough books for you to read”.
“But w-what about”, Hanako started to ask before she was interrupted by my phone.
It was a message from Suzu saying that she'd gotten it and that she'll be waiting at the main gate once she's finished packing.
“That's already sorted”, I said showing Hanako the message I just received “it'll be the three of us heading out once I've finished sorting my stuff out”.
Hanako seemed to be happy with what had been said as she nods to confirm that she'll be coming.
“We need to get our stuff packed”, Lilly said “and I have to call Akira so she can pick me up”.
I decided to take my leave and head to my next destination, but Hanako did look to be concerned as it's likely that she's noticed the possible bruise around my left eye.
Now that I had that sorted out, I only had to sort out what was happening with the track and field club before I could pack my own bags.

Everyone was already there when I arrived, but one student didn't seem to approve with me being the last to arrive.
“You're late”, the headband wearing student said “I thought everyone had been told about this”.
“Bite me, Haruhiko”, I said “I've had a lot more to deal with then everyone else, and I made sure that the captain knew that I'd be delayed”.
“There was no need for that”, the captain said “I was told that he would be late in getting here”.
Once the captain had finished dealing with Haruhiko, I was handed a small slip of paper with my name on it and I was told to place it on one of the maps that had been laid out on the ground to point out where I lived.
It didn't take me that long, since all I had to do was find Miki's marker, find the park that went between our homes and placed my marker in roughly the correct place.
“This is going to be difficult”, one of the students said “most of the team is strewn all over the place”.
“Then some of the team will have to live with others for the duration”, the captain said “one had already done that, and it might be better if we had some decent facilities to use”.
“My old high school might be able to help”, I said as I pointed at one point on one of the maps “but I'm not sure if I'd have much luck”.
“Then I'll see what I can do”, the captain said “if nothing can be done, then we'll just have to figure out a way to get those who will be participating in the track meet into groups for training”.
“We could get everyone into three groups”, the first student who spoke said “but one of the groups would only consist of three people”.
The student then pointed to the area where I'd placed my marker, and near it were Miki's and Emi's markers.
“It'll have to do”, the captain said “unless you can house another person?”
“Unfortunately I can't”, I said “I've already got a full house, and there's no way that the other person would want to reside in the same room with another person”.
“Then it can't be helped”, the captain said “you three can go pack so we can sort the rest out”.
With those words said Emi, Miki and I left for the dormitories.
“I thought Suzu was staying with you”, Miki asked.
“Suzu and I are sharing the same room”, I said “Hanako is staying in the guest room”.
“Wouldn't she have gone with the blonde amazon”, Miki asked.
“Only if I hadn't been asked”, I said “or I couldn't help”.
“At least she's found another friend”, Emi said “we should get moving otherwise it'll be late when we get to our destination”.
“Good luck with that”, I said “Miki likes to take the slower trains”.
That remark got me a rather stern look from Miki, but her and Emi started to run towards the dormitories while I kept at a walking pace.

A stack of papers greeted me at the door to my room, and after quickly looking through them I figured that was to make sure that everyone kept up with their studies.
When I entered the room, I placed the stack of papers onto the desk and fell onto my bed.
Everything that has happened had run me down, but there wasn't any time to rest until I got home.
I decided to get changed before doing anything else, but as I took the trousers off there were some noticeable traces of blood on my legs, so I decided to have a quick shower before getting dressed.
It didn't take that long as I only focused on my legs, since I could take a bath at home.
With the required areas washed, dried and with clean clothes on, I dug out the case I'd brought with me as well as one bag to pack as much stuff as I needed along with another which I stuck the bloodstained trousers into.
I packed most of what I'd brought with me after golden week, along with some clothes in case I needed them along with the stained trousers in a bag just in case my mother wanted to attempt to get the blood off.
My alarm clock along with the paperwork went into the other bag, but as I checked everything I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror.
The bruising went around most of my left eye, and would be really noticeable by everyone if they looked at me.
My examination was drawn to a close by a knock on the door, and after saying that whoever it was could come in, Hanako walked in.
“H-have you finished packing”, Hanako asked.
“I sorted that out a little while ago”, I said “I just... noticed the bruise, and was... checking it”.
What had stopped me in my tracks wasn't my embarrassment in talking about my more recent injury, it was that I'd noticed what Hanako was wearing.
I didn't think that she would have any sense of style, but they suited her very well even though at least one item seemed to be more then a fashion statement.
The other thing I did notice was that she had her hands behind her back, and it looks like she was hesitating in showing what it was.
After what felt like a few minutes of hesitating Hanako decided to show what she was holding, but instead of just showing me it, I only saw a flash of blue as she walked towards me and placed whatever she was holding on my head, and after a few adjustments she stepped back allowing me to look at what she'd put on my head.
It was the same type of hat, or cap that Hanako is wearing, but it was a different colour and she'd placed it in a position that would allow it to cast a shadow over my left eye making the bruising less noticeable.
Once I'd finished my 'inspection', I picked up the suitcase along with the bag and we headed for the main gate.

Emi, Miki, Suzu and Lilly were at the gate when we arrived, along with the pinstripe suit wearing woman who I saw last week.
“Did you pack everything you needed”, Emi asked
“Of course”, I said.
“It's just a pity that something like this had to happen”, Lilly said.
“It's only for a few days, so we'll be back soon”, I said “although some people might have some problems”.
“What did he mean by that”, the pinstripe suited girl asked.
“I'll tell you about it later, Akira”, Lilly said “although it'll only be what I know about”.
“Then we should get going”, Akira said “I didn't get that much time off work to do this”.
Akira help Lilly to her car after all the goodbyes had been done, and the rest of us headed to the local bus stop.
As we waited for the bus that would take us to the train station, I started wondering how Miki and Emi agreed to live in the same place even though they would be rivals on the track.
Situations like this could always make what could be bitter rivals bury the hatchet for a while.
The trip to the train station went without incident, but Emi looked less then impressed after we got our tickets when she was almost dragged to the platform her and Miki's train was going to depart from while Hanako, Suzu and I went to the platform the bullet train would arrive at.
Our trip wasn't problem free as Suzu fell asleep about ten minutes before the train pulled into the station and couldn't be woken up, so Hanako had to help with moving the cases while I was dealing with getting Suzu off the train.
Once we'd gotten off the train, we found a clear place to sit down for a few seconds.
“What are we going to d-do”, Hanako asked.
“First we need to get out of the station and find some place to sit and wait to see if Suzu wakes up on her own, since it might look suspicious if we get on the bus with Suzu still sleeping”, I said “but if things don't change then I can put in a call to get us picked up by car”.
We agreed on that course of action, and we headed out of the station with Hanako handling hers and Suzu's cases, while I handled my case along with the sleeping Suzu.
When we got out of the train station, we found a suitable place to sit and waited to see if Suzu would awaken.
Half an hour went by with no signs of waking from the snoozing one.
Another ten minutes passed with no improvement, but Hanako was looking like she was about to start panicking so I decided to make the call and pulled my phone out of the pocket it was in and called home.
A few rings later and someone picked up at the other end.
“Is everything going all right”, my mother asked.
“As well as can be expected”, I said “has dad gotten home?”
“He got in a few minutes ago”, my mother said “is something the matter?”
“Things haven't gone well”, I said “and we need to be picked up from the train station”.
“What's gone wrong”, my mother asked.
“I can't really explain it over the phone since it'll be clear when he gets here”, I said “just tell him to come pick us up”.
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demonix
Posts: 355
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by demonix »

Here's the second of the three (I had considered removing some parts of this chapter after I'd written it since I thought that it was unnecessary for the progress of the story, but I decided to leave it in as I would have had to alter the parts of the chapter surrounding it).

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Home

The call ended and I placed the phone back into my pocket.
“The bus normally takes around thirty minutes to get to my place”, I said as I looked at my watch “so traffic and my father getting out of the door straight away depending, we should be picked up in the next ten to fifteen minutes”.
That calmed Hanako down, but not by much as there was still the time we had to wait for my father to come and pick us up.
Time ticked on, and Suzu still wasn't waking up even as someone walked towards us twenty minutes after I made the call.
“I didn't expect you to have so many girls around you”, my father said.
“This isn't the time for practical jokes since you should have known who I was coming with”, I said “could you help with the cases and I'll get the sleeping member of the group seated in the car”.
My father looked at Suzu, and then Hanako ever so briefly before he picked up two of the cases while Hanako dealt with the third.
It made me wonder if he was wondering who is my girlfriend, but at least he didn't look at Hanako that much.
I didn't recognise the car that my father came in, which must be why it took longer for him to turn up.
As my father hauled the cases into the boot, I went about the task of getting Suzu into the car in as comfortable a position as I could get her before putting on the seatbelt.
In the time it took me to get that done, the cases had been loaded into the boot, and my father didn't look too happy when he got a look at my face.
“Who do I have to take to court for that”, my father asked.
“Nobody”, I said “the person who caused this was affected by what could be called a moment of madness”.
I didn't want to keep on with that, so we got into our seats and as my father started the car, the noise was enough to wake Suzu up.
“Wh-what happened”, Suzu asked.
“You fell asleep just before we arrived”, I said “I didn't want to risk the bus, so we waited to see if you'd wake up and since you didn't I called my father to pick us up”.
“How long was I asleep”, Suzu asked.
“About an hour”, I said.
Suzu quickly adjusted the seatbelt and then checked her leg brace before nodding to say that everything was okay.
The remainder of the journey took a bit longer than expected because my mother called me up just as we left the station asking us to get a few things at the store, but the good thing was that there were very few people there at the time making it easier for Hanako to get around.

We eventually made it back, and once the car had parked in the driveway we decided who was going to deal with the cases, and who would deal with the shopping bags.
My father decided to take two of the cases while I had the last case along with the rest of my stuff and some of the shopping, while Suzu and Hanako took the remainder of the shopping bags.
I heard my father say something silly as he walked in, but I decided to forgo hitting him as I entered the house.
When I entered the house, I noticed that my mother had prepared for our arrival as three pairs of slippers were waiting for us.
Once I'd placed the case I was holding along with the plethora of shopping bags I'd been holding beyond the awaiting slippers, I removed my shoes, slipped into my usual pair of slippers, moved the case, along with the bag that contained the rest of my stuff over to where the other two had been placed and took the bags of shopping into the kitchen while making sure Suzu and Hanako knew where to head as they walked into the house.
Nothing much had changed since I'd last been here, but there was a bit of commotion as I walked into the kitchen.
“Did you manage to get everything”, My mother asked.
“Of course”, I said lifting up the bags I was holding “the rest should be coming in shortly”.
“How did you manage to get that”, my mother asked when she noticed the bruising around my left eye.
“It was from the father of the person who died”, I said “I... hadn't changed since yesterday and.. he took it the wrong way and punched me”.
“At least I know who helped you with the attempted cover up”, my mother said.
I turned around to find that Suzu and Hanako had made it into the kitchen area.
Making sure I cleared everything up, I walked towards my mother to tell her as much as I could.
“She's the one I called about”, I whispered.
“So the one who looks rather tired must be the girlfriend”, my mother whispered.
“She is”, I whispered “and don't worry about her being tired as it's normal for her some of the time”.
I just managed to get that out as Hanako and Suzu attempted to make their presence fully known.
While the introductions started, I took the remainder of the bags and started packing everything away.
“I'm guessing you haven't eaten in a while”, my mother asked.
“Not since this morning”, I said.
“Then it's a good thing that I asked for more stuff”, my mother said “you should get settled in whilst I start cooking”.
My mother made some silly remark about remembering where the guest room is, but I already knew that since it was opposite my own room.
We went to collect out cases and headed upstairs, but there seemed to be some uncertainty when we got to the top of the stairs.
“Where i-is my room”, Hanako asked.
I was going to tell her, but she beat me to the punch.
“It's right opposite my room”, I said pointing in the direction I was about to head in.
That seemed to remove her uncertainty as we headed to our rooms, and as we reached the doors, I tapped one of them to indicate to Hanako which room is hers.
Once I'd done that, I opened the door to my room at around the same time as Hanako opened the door to the guest room.
When Suzu and I entered my room, the first thing I did once I'd put my stuff down was to open the curtains and the window to get some air into the room.
“There should be some empty drawers to put your stuff into”, I said “so you don't have to keep everything in the case”.
I remembered that I should show Suzu which drawers are empty, so I pulled them out so she knew and I also made some space in the wardrobe in case she had clothes that were to be hung up.
While Suzu started putting all the clothes she'd brought away, I started putting the books back on their respective shelves.
“It looks like that you didn't pack that many clothes”, Suzu said.
“All of my casual clothes were left here when I left for Yamaku”, I said “that's why I had to go shopping just after I started there”.
I think I did mention this to Suzu and Miki when we met in the clothes shop, but it does help to remind those that might have forgotten since then.
“You must be an only child then”, Suzu asked.
“Yep”, I said “my mother had a few miscarriages before I came along, so they haven't really tried since then to make me an older brother”.
“I have a sister”, Suzu said “she's six and isn't known to have the same problems I have”.
“It's possible that she won't”, I said “and your condition could change for the better, but I don't really know that much about narcolepsy”.
“That's what I told my parents”, Suzu said “after I was diagnosed, they were afraid to have any more children because they thought that they would have the same problems I have, but I told them that there was a chance that it wouldn't happen again, although it did take a bit of time before they decided to try which is when Yuka came into the world”.
“Why wasn't she at the festival”, I asked remembering that there wasn't anyone else with her parents.
“I think she was spending the night at a friends place”, Suzu said “but it was a good thing since I wouldn't know how she would have handled what happened yesterday”.
“Wouldn't she have gone with you”, I asked.
“Possibly”, Suzu said “but she might have tagged along with you after hearing about our relationship”.
It would've been a good thing since even a six year old shouldn't have been witness to that.
I finished unpacking all my stuff and quickly turned around after I'd placed the clock on the night table.
“My bed here is a bit smaller then the one I have at school”, I said “but I'm certain we can manage”.
“We should be able to”, Suzu said as she examined the bed “since there isn't that much difference in the size”.
“We won't be able to watch TV though”, I said “you can't connect the bracket onto this bed”.
I grabbed the bloodstained trousers and put them with the rest of the laundry as we headed back downstairs.

Dinner was a mainly quiet affair with the only brief conversations staying away from what happened yesterday, and anything related to Hanako.
We ended up getting completely stuffed since my mother had cooked enough to feed a small army, and once we'd finished eating we left the table and went in our own directions with Hanako and Suzu going into the kitchen to help with the washing up from what I heard, while I headed back to my bedroom.
I enjoyed the silence, that was until my phone started ringing.
It wasn't a number I knew, but I answered it anyway since it could be Miki on another number.
“Can I stay with you, please”, the voice asks in a pleading fashion.
“Is it that bad over there, Emi”, I asked “and how did you manage to get my number”.
“I looked through Miki's phone to get it”, Emi said “and it's not that it's bad over here, it was the trip here that was bad. I think that we went around the houses twenty times before we got to our stop”.
“There isn't anything I can do”, I said “but you could try getting your own ticket and ditching Miki on the way back”.
“I'll sleep on the sofa if it was necessary”, Emi said “I don't think I'll be able to handle staying over here the whole time”.
“I can try”, I said “but don't expect good news although you could try coming over with your bags and asking”.
“I haven't unpacked yet, so I could do that”, Emi said “how did your trip go?”
“Pretty uneventful, apart from Suzu falling asleep just before we reached our stop”, I said “I had to carry her off the train, and I ended up having to call my father to pick us up”.
“It sounds like you had it pretty easy”, Emi said as she was startled by something in the background “I've gotta go since Miki doesn't know that I got your number off her phone”.
The line went dead after she said that, and I was left wonder what was happening over there.
I decided to remove any dirty thought form my disease ridden mind, since anything in that area wouldn't be happening over there, and headed back downstairs.
Apart from Suzu taking a power nap on one of the sofas, nothing had changed since I went upstairs.
My return was noticed by my mother, who took a break from the washing up to have a word with me.
“Is everything okay”, my mother asked.
“Perfectly fine”, I said “there might be someone coming over to stay from tomorrow”.
“We don't have any more beds”, my mother said.
“She's willing to compromise on that part”, I said pointing at the sofa.
“Then we'll cross that bridge if she comes up to it”, my mother said “I'm going to get the bath ready since you three must need one”.
I volunteered to go clean the bath, but my mother refused and headed up to the bathroom leaving me to sit down next to Suzu which woke her up.

“Has anything interesting happened since I started sleeping”, Suzu asked.
“My mother has gone upstairs to get the bath ready for us”, I said “Emi called and it looks like she might end up staying over here”.
“Would that be okay with Hanako”, Suzu asked.
“It-it'll be okay if it's Emi”, Hanako said.
“You finished with the washing up”, Suzu asked.
Hanako only nodded in response as she sat down on the other sofa.
It was strange seeing Hanako this relaxed since she's normally more tense in class.
My mother came back down after she'd done with the bath, and told me to go up first.
I refused out of curtsey for our guests, but she said that it would be better if we did it this way.
Not wanting to start a debate on the matter, I headed upstairs to have my bath.

The water enveloping me as I entered the bath helped relax me from everything that had happened today.
It had been rather chaotic with the interview at the police station, getting punched in the face, dealing with all the arrangements that had to be made after I was told that the school was shutting down for the rest of the week and the trip back home.
None of the injuries I'd gained were hurting now, but that hit to the side of my head did cause some problems whilst I was washing my hair.
About ten minutes after I'd gotten into the bath, I heard the outer door to the bathroom open which I didn't take too much notice of, but once the door into the bathroom started opening I turned to tell whoever it was that I was still here, only to duck back into the water after I found out that it was Hanako who was walking in.
“I-I'm sorry”, Hanako said in a startled tone “I thought that there wasn't anyone in here”.
“My mother must have told you that it was okay to come up here”, I said “it's probably part of her plan”.
“What d-do you mean... by that”, Hanako asked.
“One person in the bathtub, and one person washing themselves to save some time”, I said “it could also be that she wants one person in here when Suzu has her bath since she might fall asleep in the tub or while washing herself, and don't think these tiles would be that forgiving”.
“It sounds... like a g-good idea”, Hanako said.
“My mother probably would come in when Suzu gets into the bath”, I said “my father is always the last to have a bath”.
Hanako chuckled ever so slightly before she started on another topic, and started washing herself.
“I didn't th-think that... there wo-would be people out there that... would treat my like a normal person”, Hanako said.
“It must have been because of what I told them”, I said “but it could be partly to do with what happened to me that make them act that way”.
“It had to be hard on them”, Hanako said “dealing with... what had happened to you”.
“They were more angry then anything else when I went into the hospital after the accident”, I said “it wasn't until after the truth came out that they fully started coming to terms with everything, and that was only a little while before they were told about Yamaku”.
“I di-didn't have much of a good school life... before I came to Yamaku”, Hanako said with a large amount of uneasiness in her voice “most people didn't wa-want to know me or j-just picked on me, with s-some of them b-being those I thought... were my closest friends”.
“It sounds like we've had similar, albeit slightly different experiences”, I said “while your friends turned on you because of what happened to you, most of the people I used to call friends were the cause of my problems”.
I didn't wait for a response as I got out of the bathtub while trying not to look at Hanako while grabbing my towel, but a sudden gasp made me remember that she would have been able to see my back in the mirror.
“I don't think that I told you about that”, I said “I used to do highwire and my friends decided that it would be a laugh if they tampered with the safety equipment. I slipped off the wire and broke my back in three places, but the worst part was that they kept on aggravating the injury which meant that I had to go to the hospital each time and once it got too much for my parents they decided to transfer me to Yamaku when they were told about it”.
“I... did th-think that it was something l-like that”, Hanako said “you did seem to be in pain wh-when we first spoke”.
“It's not like all of my friends were bad apples since I still have one good friend”, I said “you might meet her, but she's pretty easy going”.
I wasn't sure if that last part went down well, so I left the bathroom collecting my dressing gown on my way, but I was stopped by my mother as I headed for my bedroom.

“Just what did happen at the school”, my mother asked while holding the bloodstained trousers I'd put in to be washed.
“I thought that you knew everything that happened”, I said trying to dodge this discussion.
“You weren't involved in the persons death in any way”, my mother asked.
“So you think bloodstains on the bottom parts of the legs of my trousers means that I was involved”, I said with a bit of anger in my voice “I had to watch him fall from the roof and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Even my attempts to bring him back failed, as he lost almost every drop of blood that was in his body”.
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demonix
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by demonix »

And here's the third.

That dream sequence is probably the worst thing I've written thus far, but I wanted to have some more visible form that Karou has been affected by the incident a lot more then he's been letting on.

From now it'll be business as usual with each chapter being posted once I've finished writing it.

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Who was to blame

I find myself running through the grounds of Yamaku, with no idea how I managed to get here.
“Why did you let me die?”
I slowed to a walking pace after those words echoed around me.
“You let me die. Why did you let me die?”
Hearing that make me slow down even more and contemplate what it meant.
I doubt that there was much I could have done to change the outcome, even though I did try to help him out with getting to know a certain student.
“You did nothing to help. You just stood there and let me die like this”.
Liar, I gave you advice in how to deal with Hanako. You just had to take action, but you didn't.
“Don't give me that crap. You didn't help one bit”.
I came to a complete stop outside what I think is the main school building, with a solitary figure standing near it.
“Just admit it”.
Admit what? There was little that I could do to stop you from going to the roof and falling to your death.
“You're not telling the truth, are you”.
There was nothing that I could do to change what happened, and that is the truth.
“Just admit it. YOU LET ME...”


------------------------

THUD

The sudden impact with the floor woke me up.
It was luck that I landed on my right arm and not my back, and that my night table was just far enough away to make sure I didn't hit my head when I departed the bed.
I quickly looked to the bed to find that Suzu hadn't woken up from that, so I left the bedroom to contemplate what had happened in that 'dream'.
Once I'd quietly closed the door to my bedroom, I decided to do my contemplating in the kitchen.
Sneaking around isn't my forte, but I managed to get to the kitchen without making too much noise.
When I got there I pulled a carton of juice from the fridge, filled the first glass I could get my hands on and started thinking about what had happened.
I was absolutely certain that there was little I could do to change what happened, even if I'd told Hisao about what happened to me it would've been up to him to fully understand what I'd said, and I didn't know if he knew Setou at that point.
There was still a niggling bit of doubt, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was since I'd gone through every conceivable scenario I could think of.
My concentration was broken as I heard the sound of footsteps heading towards the kitchen, and when I looked up I saw Hanako walking in.
One thing that surprised me was that she is wearing a nightgown that looks to be at least one or two sizes too big for her, but like her casual wardrobe it could be to conceal whatever scars she had on her body.
“Couldn't sleep”, I asked.
“A no-noise woke me up”, Hanako said “and wh-when I opened the door, I saw you wa-walking towards the s-stairs”.
“I had a bad dream, and fell out of bed”, I said “I just came down here to clear my mind”.
“Wh-what were you thinking about”, Hanako asked.
“If there was any way to change what happened”, I said.
“A-and”, Hanako asked.
“I'm not really sure”, I said “there was one time where I think I gave an opportunity, but everything would have depended on him even if I'd managed to get something across to him”.
I decided to break the conversation by getting another glass, filling it with juice from the carton I'd got out of the fridge and passed the filled glass to Hanako.
“I could have just left the school grounds with Suzu and her parents”, I said “but that would have meant someone else would bear witness to what happened, and then things might have been different”.
Hanako didn't say a thing as she held the glass in her hands, almost as if she's thinking about saying something and isn't sure if she should say it.
“I-I was in a-an accident... wh-when I w-was younger”, Hanako said her voice sounding more hesitant then normal “wh-when I w-was younger, I-I was i-in a f-fire. M-my house bu-burned down a-and I ne-nearly didn't m-make it. I-I've been a-alone si-since then”.
I was in shock after hearing that, and I wasn't sure why she was saying that.
“What brought this on”, I asked
“I di-didn't think it w-was fair”, Hanako said “that I knew so-something about you, and you d-didn't know anything about me”.
“You're saying that this is some kind of information exchange”, I asked.
Hanako only nodded in response.
“Wouldn't what was said yesterday a part of that”, I asked.
“Th-that was different”, Hanako said “we-we'd already done the exchange on most o-of what was said then”.
We didn't say anything else as we started to empty our respective glasses, and once they were empty I washed the glasses, put the carton of juice back into the fridge and we headed back to our rooms.
Suzu was still sleeping when I got back to my bedroom, but I had to wonder if she was woken when I left to room and didn't notice.
This wasn't something I should get overly worried about since she's sleeping now, so I slipped back into bed and waited for sleep to claim me again.

This time it was the alarm clock that woke me and not a nightmare, since I didn't have any further bad dreams when I went back to sleep.
I wasn't sure if it was what Hanako had said that kept my thoughts away from what happened, but it at least did keep me from having any more of those dreams.
“If you're awake, could you shut the alarm off”, a familiar voice asked “it's starting to get a bit annoying”.
“I thought that you'd gotten used to it”, I said as I got out of bed and headed towards the night table to turn off the alarm “since we've slept together before”.
“That's because you turned it of a little while after it started”, Suzu said “it's been ringing for at least five minutes now”.
“So you woke up before the alarm”, I asked as I silenced the alarm.
“About a minute or two before it started ringing”, Suzu said “I think this has been the longest amount of time I've been asleep when I wanted to be asleep”.
At least she didn't wake up when I fell out of bed.
“I think we should get started”, I said as I showed her the alarm clock “I did set the alarm to go off a bit later then usual”.
Taking the opportunity as I was already standing, I picked out some fresh clothes and headed to the bathroom to start my usual morning routine.
I waited until Suzu had left the bedroom before I put my pyjamas back in there and headed downstairs.

As I entered the living room, the sight of a suitcase alongside a pair of running blades told me that Emi had taken what I'd said seriously and came over here.
Emi was in the kitchen, along with Hanako and my mother.
After burying the stupid idea that came to me away, I walked into the kitchen only to be noticed almost immediately by my mother.
“I didn't expect you to wake up this late”, my mother said.
“I decided to wake up later then usual”, I started to say before I was interrupted.
“That's not good”, Emi said “since there's a lot to do between now and when we go back, we can't be lazing about like it's a holiday”.
“I was going to say that it was because I wanted to straighten things out after what had happened”, I said looking not too amused at being interrupted “it's not like I'll be doing this every day”.
“As long as this is the only time”, Emi said as she went back to whatever she was doing.
“It's a good thing that I started breakfast a bit later then usual”, my mother said “otherwise the two of you wouldn't have that much to eat”.
I turned around to find that Suzu had walked in, so I went to sit down on one of the sofas as did Suzu with Hanako and Emi coming over once they'd finished what they were doing.
“How did Miki take it”, I asked.
“She doesn't know”, Emi said “I sneaked out early in the morning whilst everyone was still asleep”.
“I'm guessing that you had a few problems”, I asked.
“I would've forgiven Miki for the slow train journey”, Emi said “but what happened after that call was the final straw”.
“It's always a bit chaotic over there”, Suzu said.
“It seemed to be more then that to me”, Emi said looking more then a little pissed off “I was on my ass more then I was on my feet”.
“Miki would know that you've gone now”, I said “and you'd better tell her that you're not going back when we meet up for our first training session”.
Knowing what I'd just said would be inevitable, Emi ended that subject there as we were told that breakfast was ready.
There wasn't that much in the way of conversation while we were eating, apart from how Rin would be handling things without Emi helping her.
Once breakfast was done with, everyone started with their own things with Suzu helping out in the kitchen, Emi changing her walking legs for her running blades in preparation for the training and Hanako headed for her room without uttering a single word.
When Emi had finished changing her legs over, we headed out with Suzu saying that she'd be doing some studying.

“So, where should we go”, Emi asked.
“The park would be a good idea”, I said “Miki might be waiting for us there”.
I decided to take the lead since Emi wouldn't know her way around, and she probably took the long way around to get to my place.
The park's central area wasn't as crowded as it was during golden week, but it was also devoid of Miki until she jogged past us with a massive grin on her face.
“Should we go after her”, I asked “and then overtake her?”
“Absolutely”, Emi said with a big smile on her face “it'll give me something to aim for”.
Emi took off after Miki saying that she'd already done her stretches, and I followed shortly afterwards as Emi went down a path that Miki went down a few seconds before.
After going down a few paths, I managed to fall in a few meters behind Emi who was probably memorising the route Miki was taking before she decided to overtake her.
When we turned the first corner on the third lap, Emi started to increase her pace in preparation to overtake Miki.
Once we'd gotten halfway around the course we were within a few meters of Miki, and by the time we'd returned to the park's central area Emi was ahead while I got the job done by the first turn.
It stayed like that for the remainder of the laps we ran, although Miki decided to wimp out a few laps before Emi and I stopped running.
“You two managed two more laps then I did”, Miki said “so you two win that race”.
Emi was grinning after Miki said that, and from the looks of things she could run a few more laps and then some.
“Emi won't be coming back to your place”, I said.
“I figured as much”, Miki said “she didn't have a good experience last night, and the empty bed this morning confirmed it”.
At least she'd figured it out before we got here.
“The captain called before I headed out here”, Miki said “we should be able to gain access to a running track by the end of the week, so we'd only be able to get some timed runs in”.
“At least we'll be able to find out how we're doing”, Emi said “where is the track located?”.
“His old high school”, Miki said pointing towards me with her stumped arm “when his name was mentioned they said that they'd do anything to help, but after all that, they only gave us the use of the track for just one day”.
“It can't be helped”, I said “they acted the same way after my accident, but at least they've done something this time unlike what happened with me”.
“My jobs done”, Miki said “I told the captain that I'd tell you two, so I'm heading home whilst walking this run off”.
Emi decided to forgo her extra laps since route we'd used didn't allow her to go at full speed, so we headed back to my place whilst walking off our run.

Suzu was sitting at the table going through some of the paperwork we'd been given when we got back, and my mother was in the kitchen sorting out what we'd be eating for dinner but she seemed to be a bit concerned when she looked at me.
I decided to deal with that first before I started tackling the stack of paperwork.
“Is there anything the matter”, I asked.
“It's Hanako”, my mother said in a hushed tone “she hasn't come out of her room since she went up there after breakfast, and she didn't acknowledge me when I knocked on the door”.
“I think all that would be the norm for her”, I said keeping my voice down “it might be that she was working on all that paperwork we'd been given or reading a book and didn't notice that you was knocking on the door”.
“It still has me worried”, my mother said.
“It does take a bit of getting used to”, I said “I've got to head up to my room to pick up my stack of paperwork, so I'll check on her when I do”.
“You don't know anything else about her”, my mother asked.
“Not from what I told you yesterday”, I said.
That was a lie since I'd omitted what Hanako had told me yesterday, and I hadn't told her what she's said earlier on in the day.
Since we'd made those exchanges in what could be called a private environment, Hanako would've trusted me not to tell everyone I came across what she'd told me, so I'm leaving that part to her.
Hoping that my mother was more at ease for what I'd said, I departed the kitchen and headed upstairs to check on Hanako as well as having a shower and collecting some of that paperwork.

I hesitated for a bit as I stood outside the door to what is Hanako's room, but it gave me the time to consider how to approach this and I knocked on the door in the same way as I had the day before when I went to Lilly's room.
After a few minutes waiting for a response to my knock with no response, I decided to continue with the other things I needed to do only for the door to open just as I was leaving.
Hanako looked to be a little apprehensive when she appeared at the door, but it seemed to fade once she knew who had been knocking.
“I'm just checking in”, I said “my mother was a bit... concerned when you didn't answer the door”.
“I wa-wasn't sure i-if you'd told her what I-I'd said to you”, Hanako said.
“That wouldn't be something that I would tell anyone”, I said “you told me those things in private, and I intend to keep them that way”.
The smile that appeared on her face once I'd said that was unlike any expression I'd seen from her.
“I was thinking that we could do the assignments together”, I said “it might make things easier for some of us, and you can sit at place on the table where your back is facing the window”.
The expression on Hanako's face went from absolute shock when I started saying that, to one that seemed to be of more acceptance when I said that she could pick where she could sit.
I told her that I had to take a shower before I joined everyone, and headed to my room.
Unfortunately, Emi had gotten to the bathroom first, and I had to wait before I could go in and have my shower.

When I got back downstairs, everyone had already started on the assignments.
We managed to get through all of the stuff we'd brought to the table, but as the day continued onwards one question came back to me.
Could I have done anything to stop what happened during the festival?
There could have been several opportunities for this to have been avoided even without my intervention, but there would have been opportunities for me to help send Hisao down a different path that didn't end up with him falling to his death.
I did give him some help with how to deal with Hanako, but it wasn't enough to get him away from whatever path he was walking down.
With that plaguing my mind, I had a feeling that this wouldn't resolve itself and that what happened will be affecting me for some time to come.
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: Facing my Pains

Post by Mirage_GSM »

The detective decided that we should get some sleep before being interviewed, and it was decided that we should sleep together in case I did something stupid.
Who decided that? The detective? The school? Nurse?
With what reasoning? "That guy just went through a terrible experience - let's set him up with a couple of attractive girls to get his mind on something else?"
I was surprised that thirteen girls were able to sleep on the floor my room,...
Thirteen??? :shock:
Now I know what you dream of at night. :mrgreen:
Seriously, what kind of ballroom does he have for a room?
so we weren't stopped because of my blood stained trousers.
Why did he put those on again? Does he not have a second pair?
...Or did he sleep in them ? And did not shower at all... Ewww...
“Then why is he out here and not in a cell”, the rather irate man shouted.
How does Hisao's father even know who he is? And why exactly is he mad at him? For failing to save Hisao's life?
“And you need to find somewhere for her to stay”, I said “with me being the one to be asked”.
Why him and not Lilly? Or any other girl for that matter? Oh well, if the school thinks it's a good idea to cram thirteen girls into a young boy's bedroom, this is probably small fish.
“It is”, I said “and she'll be sleeping in my room”.
There he goes ordering around adults again...
...but as I took the trousers off there were some noticeable traces of blood on my legs, so I decided to have a quick shower
So he didn't... He's been running around all day like Hannibal Lecter after breakfast...
more then a fashion statement.
"than"
“I can't really explain it over the phone since it'll be clear when he gets here”, I said “just tell him to come pick us up”.
"My girlfriend has narcolepsy and has fallen asleep." See? That wasn't so hard after all. Instead he makes his mother worry about what coul have happened. Is he cruel or just insensitive?
It would've been a good thing since even a six year old shouldn't have been witness to that.
"Even"?
...it's not that it's bad over here, it was the trip here that was bad. I think that we went around the houses twenty times before we got to our stop”.
And why exactly is that a reason for not wanting to stay at Miki's house?+
“My mother must have told you that it was okay to come up here”, I said “it's probably part of her plan”.
It's his mother's plan to send a girl into the bathroom while her son is taking a bath? And not even his girlfriend who's staying in the same house? Is she trying to break them up?
“That's because you turned it of a little while after it started”
"off".
“It seemed to be more then that to me”, Emi said looking more then a little pissed off “I was on my ass more then I was on my feet”.
"than" - two times
“we should be able to gain access to a running track by the end of the week, so we'd only be able to get some timed runs in”.
I think something's wrong with the causality of this sentence... That "so" doesn't make any sense.
Unfortunately, Emi had gotten to the bathroom first, and I had to wait before I could go in and have my shower.
Oh? Suddenly an occupied bathroom is a problem?

Okay, you seriously need to do a reality check on what you write. When you have written a sentence, ask yourself: "Would a real person think, act and react that way?"
If the answer is "no", fix it. This might make it harder to get the plot where you want it to go, but your story will benefit in the long run.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.
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Oddball
Posts: 3027
Joined: Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:05 pm

Re: Facing my Pains

Post by Oddball »

You start off with your character covered in Hisao's blood and sleeping with 13 girls (which frankly is pretty much all that needs to be said about the story anyway) and then you somehow make it LESS realistic from there on.

The world really does revolve around your main character doesn't it?

Personally, I'm holding out for a St. Elsewhere ending, otherwise I can't see any redeeming this story.
Not Dead Yet
Hyperactive
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Oct 11, 2013 6:38 am

Re: Facing my Pains

Post by Hyperactive »

apart from a few grammatical errors here and there, this has been a fantastic read so far. Hopefully you haven't given up on updating this! I would love to see more in the future.
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