“I...maybe. But I told her it wasn't her fault. I did everything to assure her it wasn't and that it would have happened eventually. I don't know if she ever believed me though.”
“It can be really tough,” Chisato says quietly. “Knowing something and believing it are two entirely different things. You know it wasn't your fault, but when you see constant reminders in front of you, it's hard to believe it.”
It's a comforting thing to say, but the way she said it...there was real pain behind it.
That's not the voice of someone who's trying to empathize. It's the voice of someone who's lived it.
“It could have been hard for her, especially since she'd spend the entire school day not seeing you there, then driving it home when she saw you in the hospital, you know?”
It takes a few seconds, but it dawns on me what she's getting at. And as soon as I realize that, I believe I know why Iwanako wrote that letter.
I was able to come to an entirely new place after my heart attack and meet new people, make new friends, and start a new facet of my life. In a way, I guess I never thought I needed closure because of how many things were going on around me.
For Iwanako though, it would be different. She and everyone else would still be in the same school, among the same group of people, the same teachers, the same day-to-day grind...only she'd be constantly reminded every day that things weren't the same.
Even more so, because she saw me more than anyone besides my parents while I was in the hospital.
“Closure,” I say. It's not a question.
“That's what I think,” Chisato confirms. “I think she needed to write that letter to help her move forward. I mean...think of all the things you've had to do. I'm not trying to trivialize what you've been through, with having your attack, moving, and everything else...but everyone has their own issues they need to work through. It can be really easy to lose sight of that when you're dealing with your own stuff.”
Closure. Just one more thing Iwanako and I couldn't give each other. Seeing it like this, from this perspective, suddenly makes the letter make sense.
Including the statement about how it might be best if we didn't see each other again.
Chisato must see the look in my eyes as I stare into the middle distance, lost in thought. “Are you going to write her back?”
“I don't know. What do you think?”
“I think you should,” she answers me, with that same calming voice. “Let her know how you're doing. Tell her a bit about Yamaku. She sounds like she's blaming herself for not doing enough to help you get better. Let her know you're getting there.”
A self-deprecating smile crosses my lips. “Do I tell her about Saki?”
Now Chisato starts to sound like her normal self and laughs. “You're on your own on that one. For what it's worth, you probably want to let her know though, especially if you might run into her this summer. If she still likes you, it might give her time to adjust.”
“You're right,” I say. “Thanks, Chisato. For everything.”
“Pshaw, don't mention it,” she says, waving her hand in dismissal. “It might not look like it, but I'm a good listener.”
“You're right about that.”
“What, being a good listener, or not looking like it?”
“Yes.”
“Watch it, Hisao,” Chisato growls. “Wouldn't want me to tell Saki about your reaction to my bikini, would I?”
All I can do is laugh, and after a second, she joins me. We both relax further into the water.
Chisato does seem to be a good listener. I've never seen this side of her before. She's sharp, quick witted, and can be downright vicious when she wants to be towards her friends and enemies alike, but there's a tenderness there I didn't know existed until today. I gathered she was a good person, but I would have never guessed the specifics.
And that leaves me with a question I've been meaning to ask, but couldn't get to earlier.
“Hey, Chisato?”
“Hm?”
“When I was telling you about Iwanako, and you said what you thought was going through her head...”
“Yeah?”
“It sounded like you were speaking from personal experience, that's all. Was there something like that that happened to you?”
Chisato takes a few long seconds before answering, which she spends shifting her gaze from me to the surface of the water directly under her nose. I see her take a deep breath and let it out with a sigh.
“Yes, there was,” she finally says.
“What happened?” I ask, with the same concern that she had earlier.
"She was..." Chisato starts, but then trails off, deep in thought. This time, the silence is longer. Chisato opens and closes her mouth a few times, as if she wants to speak but catches herself every time she tries. Finally, she shakes her head.
“Even though it happened our first year...I'm sorry. It's not just
my story to tell. There were other people involved in it. I just can't,” she says, looking at me with a sense of deep regret in her eyes.
Either for what happened, or because she feels she can't tell me, even if she wants to.
“Alright. But if you change your mind, let me know.”
“Thank you,” Chisato says, relieved. “You know, you're not too bad at this listening thing yourself. Saki's a lucky girl.”
“You sound jealous.”
“Whatever helps your ego. I'm not one to judge,” Chisato laughs.
We spend a few more minutes relaxing, with me getting up to reset the automatic timer for the jets and bubbles before hopping back in.
“Looking forward to the next two weeks?”
“Absolutely. I get to play that Yamaha this weekend, and next weekend we get the beach!”
“Still think Mitsuru's gonna come?”
“He better. There's no point in strangers gawking at me unless he gets the satisfaction of knowing I'm his.”
“That's...an interesting way to put it.”
“Maybe you can tell him how good I look in this. Help motivate him.”
“Oh sure,” I say, rolling my eyes. “'Hey there, just thought you should know your girlfriend looks smoking hot in her new bikini.' Somehow I don't see that going well.”
“What's wrong with compliment by proxy? I've already told Saki I think you have a cute ass.”
“You
what?” I blurt out incredulously, sending Chisato into a fit of laughter.
“Relax, relax!” she says, choking on her words as she struggles to regain her composure. “I'm kidding! Definitely kidding. Maybe kidding.”
“So much for that heart to heart earlier,” I mention, rubbing my temples with my fingertips.
“Hey, even if I
didn't say it, I can
still think it,” she says, standing up to get out. The wave from the displaced water rocks me slightly as water streams off her into a large puddle next to the spa. She turns back to me and gives me one of
those looks.
“Speaking of
thinking...'smoking hot,' huh?” Chisato asks me, striking a pose similar to the one she did when she first showed off. The effect, while still incredibly alluring, fortunately isn't as strong as it was the first time I was hit with it.
Barely.
“Would you be more offended if I agreed or if I lied and said no?”
Chisato's brow frowns for half a second as she turns over the words in her head, analyzing them for any potential sarcasms or hidden meanings. The fact I was able to stump her brain for even that short amount of time shows the progress I'm making in learning to hold my own in these verbal exchanges.
“Good answer,” she says, giving a nod in appreciation.
It's the little victories that matter.
“Aaaand on that note,” Chisato says, stretching out the first word as she picks up her towel, “I think I'm done. I gotta get back to the dorm and get a new needle in.”
“Everything okay?”
“Oh, nothing's wrong,” she answers as she starts to dry herself off. “It's just that sometimes the heat from the water can throw my insulin off, so I need to get the pump back in place.”
“Huh. But then how are we supposed to go to the beach or the waterpark all day later this summer if you can only take the pump off for a little bit?”
“Oh, I'll keep it with me just in case, but I'll be using normal shots those days. Don't worry.”
I decide to take her at her word. It would be pretty silly of me to doubt or second guess her about these things after all.
Chisato drapes her towel around her neck after a quick patdown, and turns towards me to give a slight wave.
“Catch you later this week!”
I give her a salute of acknowledgment and watch her make her way to the locker rooms. As she turns the corner out of sight, I think about how much more our friendship just grew this morning. I can still barely believe I opened up to her the way I did about Iwanako, but then again, I must have subconsciously realized how much I needed to open up to someone about the whole situation, and not merely the contents of a letter.
Regardless, it's going to be a fun two weeks. First I get to see Chisato and Saki play together again, and then the long weekend and beach trip that comes with it. It's going to be a great opportunity to clear my head before we start taking our summer exams and go into them refreshed...and after seeing Chisato's swimsuit and knowing that the girls always shop together, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious to see what Saki's suit looks like...
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