My internet went out last night, so I went to sleep after I finished. Another piece working to improve dialogue, any comedy here is much more subtle. Any other critiques? I don't think I'll be able to practice inner monologues with this story. That'll be my weakest point for a while.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO:
The room was nice and large but fairly plain. The walls were colored a dull shade of white, the doors and window frames a wooden brown. There were two large pull out beds with pale blue sheets and pillows, and two dressers with various perfumes and make up products neatly littered across its surface. Black curtains rippled gently as wind wafts in from the terrace sliding door. To the left of the terrace door, rested in a small armchair with red and green flower prints randomly scattered across its beige surface, a dark figure was seated. A familiar scent filled the room, emitted from the disguised person completely clothed in black fabric. The assailant gestured with the gun, motioning for the two men to enter.
“For what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, Iwanako,” Hisao asked as he quickly shut the door.
The woman pulled the mask down to her neck, revealing a mischievous smirk. “What makes you so sure it’s me?”
“You always did prefer this perfume,” Hisao replied as he walked over to the dresser, the gun trailing him. Hisao picked up the only open bottle of perfume, pretending to examine it. “Even when the situation required stealth, you always wanted to leave your mark on the scene. Old habits die hard I suppose.”
“So this is your new protégé, eh? You always said you worked best alone. I guess you must have been lonely without me around.”
Kenji dramatically pointed at Iwanako. “Holy shit, THIS is the crazy bitch you used to work with?”
Iwanako’s face turned white, and the gun snapped towards Kenji’s direction. The smile quickly straightened and her eyes opened wide. Kenji jumped back against the door, pressing his back against it as closely as possible.
“Settle down now, Iwanako. He’s just a hardcore men’s rights activist,” Hisao said in a careful tone as he walked back toward Kenji’s side. “I know you well enough that if you planned on shooting us you would have done it without the small talk.”
Iwanako’s smirk returned to her face as her gun pointed back towards Hisao. “Aren’t you glad to see me? Don’t pretend you didn’t hope this case would get you a clue as to what I was doing?”
Hisao ignored her taunts. “I took this case as a favor to an old friend of mine. The old art professor whose name we cleared? He asked me to help the museum case.”
“Ah, you are treating me so cold! Here I am giving you the chance to say whatever it is you have wanted to say to me these past few years, and you focus solely on your work? This is the problem with you. A man with observational skills such as yours shouldn’t focus his eyes on one thing completely.”
Iwanako cocked her head sideways a bit.
“Of course, I’m not referring just to your habit of overworking. You were too focused on finding clues on me as well. People have noticed your wish to catch me. There are those who have realized that I am the only person you have been unable to catch.” Iwanako raises her free hand to her face and stares blankly at her nails. “While I have nothing to do with this ordeal, my current employer wishes me to bury you on this matter.”
“Watch what you say you crazy bitch,” Kenji barked. “A woman's threats aren’t enough to intimidate this soldier!” Iwanako aimed the gun at Kenji’s genitals, instantly silencing him.
“Relax, the gun isn’t even loaded,” cackled Iwanako. “Though I wouldn’t take my word on it if I were you.” Iwanako let loose her grip on the gun’s handle, allowing the gun to simple dangle from her pointer finger. “My employer doesn’t necessarily want to kill you.”
“Then what does he want?”
“My employer resents that you are known as the greatest intellect around. No one knows who he is, but he has gathered a reputation as the greatest criminal mastermind of all time. Why, he even managed to track me down, and convinced me to participate in this little game as well!”
“What are you getting on about now? A game?”
“Yes. It involves you and your young ward against me and my employer. The game has already begun.”
Hisao walked over to the chair opposite Iwanako and took a seat.
“It seems we have already given our consent to play. The game is just to solve the case of the museum heist?”
“It is a bit more complicated than that. My employer has for the most part made most of his moves, one of them being the case. He and I are acting independently; I simply will work toward my ends while not obstructing his. The two of you should have several things you are after, so winning will not be so easy. This is a game of wits after all. For example, if you solve the case but fail to catch me when I am right in front of you, my employer will have proven your weaknesses, and you lose. If you catch me but his plans go off without a hitch, you lose. If you die…” Iwanako’s voice trails off.
“I see,” Hisao murmured aloud while stroking his chin. “The nature of this game is to reach your objectives while denying your opponent the very same. My opponents are an arrogant man and a scheming woman. That all sounds fairly simple.”
Kenji put on a serious contemplative expression. “I don’t understand. I can see why the schmuck who hired you would want to do all this. What I don’t see, besides anything six inches from my face, is how putting your neck on the line would further your schemes for world domination.”
Iwanako shot Kenji a strange glance, unaware of how to interpret what he just said. “You’re right, I wouldn’t risk my ass for this. Like I said, he found me. I wasn’t looking to be found. I’m just smart enough to play along. If he wanted me dead, I wouldn’t know how to stop him.”
Iwanako looked directly at Hisao.
“He… He’s making this worth my while. If I play my cards right I could clean this city of everything valuable it has. If we win I’ll be set for life and there would be no reason to worry about you or anyone else ever catching me.” Her voice started slowly faltering.”Still, I- I don’t like all of this. I never killed anyone, but he wants -wants casualties, to prove that he defeated you.”
Hisao stood up, placing his hands on her shoulders. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Tears began to well up in her eyes. “He doesn’t want to get rid of me or anything; he says I have promise. He just wants me to motivate you. He wants you to know that you are playing his game, and he wants to know that you’ll be involved. He said that even if you get me, as long as he is around it’ll be meaningless. But if I win I can finally be free…”
Her expression turned back to the straight serious face she always wore when things got down to business. “Do you agree to play the game? Or do you forfeit the challenge?”
“I don’t know what’s going on, because Sherlock hasn’t bothered to tell me what the case is yet,” Kenji said with his arms crossed, “but all we have to do is solve the cases and catch the criminals? Compared to the army or the feminist conspiracy, this is nothing.”
“Listen Iwanako, if there’s anything you could tell me to help find him we’ll-“
Iwanako pushed Hisao back into his seat. She wiped away the moisture from her eyes, and tightened her grip on the pistol.
“All I can tell you is that the field is this entire city. Anything that gets through the city surveillance goes towards us, and anyone you catch or anything you recover will stay in your possession, unless some third parties get involved.” She pulled the mask back over her face and stood up, walking towards the open terrace door.
“Also, I’m supposed to shoot you.”
Iwanako pointed the gun right at Sherlock Hisao’s heart, and fired. His body fell over backwards from the impact as the chair fell to the ground. Iwanako dropped the pistol on the balcony as she jumped off the edge. She latched onto a zip line and slid down to the ground, now effectively invisible while fleeing under cover of the countryside darkness.
“Holy shit the bitch actually did it this time!” Kenji screamed, rushing toward the fallen detective’s side.
Hisao groaned as he turned himself over and pushed himself onto his feet. He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out his pipe. Lodged within the opening of the pipe she purchased for him before leaving was the bullet. Hisao walked out the sliding door and looked out at the surroundings. Picking up the gun, he opens it to find the gun empty of bullets. Iwanako clearly didn’t shoot to kill. She risked both their lives on how much she understood him. In a way, she was asking him for help. Hisao didn’t mind giving her a hand, as long as both ended up in a prison cell when this was all over.
“Come now Kenji, it has been quite a tiring day. Let us rest up for tomorrow. We will need to be in top form.”
“I’ll get the bags I guess,” Kenji said to himself as he opened their room door. As he stepped out, Hisao could hear a young woman’s voice shout “WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?”
Last edited by Rocket Royal
on Tue May 24, 2011 4:24 am, edited 1 time in total.