Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone(LillyxHanakoxHisao)updated2/28

WORDS WORDS WORDS


Post Reply
User avatar
kosherbacon
Posts: 903
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:30 pm
Location: San Jose, CA, USA

Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone(LillyxHanakoxHisao)updated2/28

Post by kosherbacon »

Edit: 2/28/10. Took another whack at this because well, it still kinda sucked. Totally ditched the first person perspective because it wasn't working for me. A few dialogue tweaks too. Hanako still stutters but slightly less. Story and conversation is still pretty the same, the big difference is at the very beginning and the very end. Hopefully it sucks less. Enjoy!

Fun Fact: According to Firefox's spell check, "girly" is not a word, and neither is "blonde."

********************************************************************************
Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone
********************************************************************************

Hanako was drawn out of her sleep by the rattle of her cell phone vibrating against the hard desktop. She didn't want to be disturbed that evening but it was too late for that. Normally, she would just make the caller leave a message but the little screen on the outside of her phone has been broken for some time, so she couldn't tell who was calling without actually opening the phone and answering. She wasn't expecting a call at the time, so it may have been an emergency.

She groggily plopped out of her bed onto the floor, grabbed her phone, and snapped it open.

"H-hello?" A muffled but familiar voice greets her from the other end.

"Hanako!"

"Akira? Hi... what's up?"

"Oh not much, I'm just checking up on you. How are things going? I hear you've gotten yourself a boyfriend? Hoo hoo lucky lucky."

"Um, um, well he's not really my boyfriend. I think... Well we're just dating."

"Oh. Hm, so you're not quite sure how you feel? Well then.."

"I-is something wrong?"

Akira sighed, exhaling into her phone, filling Hanako's earpiece with static.

"Well, no. Not really. How are things between you and Lilly?"

"We- Umm We're good, I guess. Why?"

Another deep breath.

"Okay Hanako, I guess it's better I tell you now than have something happen because you never knew. I, um. Well..."

A good 15 seconds of evasive mumbling followed by silence passes.

"My sister likes you."

Hanako's throat clenches up and her heart dropped into her stomach with a thud. She really hoped Akira didn't mean what she thought she meant.

"Ha....huh.... What do you m-mean?"

"I mean she likes you. More than just as a friend. Does... that sort of thing bother you?"

"Not realy, no. Not at all. Ah...I mean I'm surprised but it's okay. I think."

"So, you don't hate Lilly for feeling the way she does?"

"No, never. But does she really like me like that? How do you know?"

"Yeah, it's true. She's been really bummed since you started dating that new kid. She wouldn't tell me anything at first but last weekend I beat it out of her."

"Y-you hit her??"

"Oy no no, it's a figure of speech."

"Oh. Okay. But why me? Lilly could have just about anyone she wants, but someone like me.."

"Hey, hey, hey. You're telling me my Sister has bad taste? I'll have none of that from you..."

Akira rattles off an often repeated list of compliments to Hanako. Despite Akira's sincerity, Hanako forces out a “Thanks” to shut her up. She didn't like hearing praise she didn't think she deserved. Having anyone but Lilly give her such attention made her feel uncomfortable and evasive.

"Anyways, Hanako.. tell me.. Do you like my sister?"

"Sh-sure, I guess. I love her as a friend but... I dunno. I think I really like Hisao."

"Oh boy, this's no good. I really don't want to be the one telling you this but I think you're going to have to let one of them go."

"I don't understand. You want me to break up with Hisao?"

"Nobody wants you to do anything you really don't want to do, but if things keep going like this someone or everyone's gonna end up with a broken heart, ya know?"

"What should I do about Lilly then?"

"If you're gonna chose Hisao then please let her go easy."

"Y-you want me to not be friends with her anymore?"

"No! No! Don't do that! You might not realize it but she needs you as much as you needed her. I want you guys to stay friends just.. just... just don't lead her on as much?"

"Lead... her on? How do I do that? I-I don't even know what I'm doing!"

"Well you gotta stop giving out mixed signals and... uh. I'm sorry, Hanako, I'm not even sure how this sort of girly stuff works either, haha."

A brief laugh on her end eases the built up tension a bit.

"OH! I know! Perhaps you can stop being sooo cute!"

Hanako rolls her eyes as if Akira could see her. Being patronized was one thing, but now Akira was just messing with her.

"But I'm not.."

"How about you just ask her how she feels about you and then make your decision from there?"

"B-but she'll know that you talked to me, wouldn't she get mad?"

"She'll get over it. I can outrun her anyways, hahaha."

"Oh-okay. I guess I'll talk to Lilly tomorrow."

"Good girl. I don't mind if you chose a boy over my sister, but if you break her heart I'mma coming after yooouuuu hahaha."

That was every bit as terrifying as it was comforting.

"T-thank you for sharing this, Akira.."

"Hey, no prob. Hey if you want to talk, about this or anything, you can call me, you know that? Actually, just call me anyway. I like chattin' with ya."

"I will."

"Okay good, I better get going, now remember what we talked about, kay? Stop being so cute! Byebye!"

"Goodbye."

After hanging up, Hanako fell into her chair to digest the situation. Was Akira right? Did Lilly really have a thing for her? She could go back and forth between conflicting desires for hours but the best option was immediately clear. Hanako needed to confront Lilly about her feelings and tell her that she was going to stay with Hisao. It wasn't going to be pretty but she hoped they could stay friends. After all, if Lilly was anything, she was forgiving. Hopefully she wouldn't be stuck with an awkward, tense friendship full of hurt feelings.

One thing still bugged her, though. Mixed signals? Leading her on? That sort of thing seems so obvious in stories but what about in real life? What sort of mixed signals could Hanako possibly be giving to Lilly that would lead her on? It was all very confusing, but she hoped that everything would be cleared up when they actually have a talk.

A faint grumbling noise from her bed caught Hanako's attention. A slender, pale arm poked its way out of the mound of beddings and the whole pile squirmed to untangle itself. A mass of wavy, blonde hair emerged from one end, followed by a statuesque figure that glistened with sweat in the dim flickering from the nightlight. Despite being fully undressed, both she and Hanako were sweltering from the thick comforter and combined body heat earlier. They didn't mind it at the time, though, the heat made it feel like they were melting together.

Hanako's bed mate sat up, stretched, and gazed in Hanako's general direction while halfheartedly trying to straighten out her hair with her fingers.

"Were you on the phone just now?" Lilly asked.

"Um, It was just a classmate. Asking about homework."

"Oh, okay." She smiles, "Want to go for round two?"

Hanako nodded. She was definitely going to clear up things with Lilly...

...tomorrow.
Last edited by kosherbacon on Sun Feb 28, 2010 4:22 am, edited 4 times in total.
User avatar
EternalLurker
Posts: 459
Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2009 10:12 pm
Location: Willfully lost
Contact:

Re: Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone (Lilly vs Hanako vs Hisao)

Post by EternalLurker »

Too long; didn't read past the sixth non-word.

In all seriousness, opening with onomatopoeia is incredibly overdone and tiresome. I may read the rest later but that turned me off.
User avatar
kosherbacon
Posts: 903
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:30 pm
Location: San Jose, CA, USA

Re: Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone (Lilly vs Hanako vs Hisao)

Post by kosherbacon »

Fair enough. If you do try again, I gotta warn ya, even I felt like this could use a rewrite or five. Just not today :P
User avatar
EternalLurker
Posts: 459
Joined: Sun Jul 12, 2009 10:12 pm
Location: Willfully lost
Contact:

Re: Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone (Lilly vs Hanako vs Hisao)

Post by EternalLurker »

kosherbacon wrote:Fair enough. If you do try again, I gotta warn ya, even I felt like this could use a rewrite or five. Just not today :P
Fair enough. Read the rest now. Amusing. Pretty OoC at lots of parts (Hanako pulling off a verbal lie to Lilly is improbable, calling herself a "monster" over the phone to a friend is excessive, and generally stuttering over the phone rather than in a face-to-face conversation where her friend can see her is unlikely), but considering the entire premise I can't exactly take fault with OoC-ness. Good pacing overall before the reveal, like that Pedagogy story, but it's usually nice to give some sort of clue to the reader before then rather than just pulling the truth out of your ass at the end, so at least mentioning that she's getting up from bed at the beginning might be better. Then the question of why she was in bed in the evening will nag the reader throughout the first half of the phone call.
User avatar
kosherbacon
Posts: 903
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2009 7:30 pm
Location: San Jose, CA, USA

Re: Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone (Lilly vs Hanako vs Hisao)

Post by kosherbacon »

Thanks for the input, I was wondering if there was enopugh foreshadowing(I guess there wasn't). I'll definitely take that sort of thing into consideration if I touch this one up and in the future. I don't care too much for asspulls either. Thanks.

Edited again 2.28: See above.
Attachments
difficulties.jpg
difficulties.jpg (114.39 KiB) Viewed 7149 times
steptaker
Posts: 5
Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:49 am

Re: Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone(LillyxHanakoxHisao)updated

Post by steptaker »

Good ending, although shouldn't Lilly know that Hanako only has 3 numbers in her cellphone?
Guest Poster
Posts: 1264
Joined: Tue Jul 10, 2012 12:42 am

Re: Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone(LillyxHanakoxHisao)updated

Post by Guest Poster »

Check out the date this fic was posted. It was written before the full game came out. (the same is true about the comment preceeding yours, by the way)
Sisterhood: True Edition. Hanako epilogue I wrote. Now expanded with additional chapters.
User avatar
Zarys
Posts: 660
Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2014 8:27 am

Re: Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone(LillyxHanakoxHisao)updated

Post by Zarys »

Uh it's a little..uncredible, how Hanako can ignores that sleep with her bestfriend is more than friendly ?
"With my eternal life, I will see the world through to its end. Until everyone who won't like me is gone."
— Porky Minch

"Can you face your fears ?"
— Hanako

I speak from the noise
Souls and shapes, forever twisted
the lost voices of the damned
lure the bringer of despair
User avatar
Mirage_GSM
Posts: 6213
Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
Location: Germany

Re: Hanako Needs a New Cell Phone(LillyxHanakoxHisao)updated

Post by Mirage_GSM »

This was written by Kosher... Consider it par for the course ;-)
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune

My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Sore wa himitsu desu.
Post Reply