BMFJack wrote:
The first time, she tried to seduce me. I refused on the grounds that we weren't in a relationship, and to this day I regret that very very much.
I wouldn't regret that for a second, unless you *really* want to be paying child support for your kid with her.
AlexKidd wrote:I'd say you should block everything she could do to contact you (block her facebook, phone, email, etc...) if you feel you can.
I don't need to. It's been about a year since I told her to never contact me again, and she has listened. In my opinion she is a very bad person, but she also understands how much she has hurt me. I don't expect her to go against my wishes in this regard. I have no desire to talk to her unless she has a desire to be in a relationship with me, which will never happen.
Liminaut, I'd take the risk. One time we were pretty drunk and got really close and it was pretty fucking amazing.
Yuto, I'm completely atheist.
Thanks you guys... it helps to know that there are people who listen and care. I wasn't sure humanity could still produce people like that.
Over the last two years I've been battling depression pretty hardcore. I even went to a doctor who put me on antidepressants, but they only helped a tiny little bit and they made me feel like I wasn't me. He tried to add a second one but messed up the prescription, then I had a bunch of problems getting in contact with their office so I stopped altogether and I feel like I do better without them. Every day's a struggle, but it's a struggle I win.
Jack... I suppose I can't say anything that hasn't been said before, but good on you for toughing it out. And its also good to see you talking about it. As someone who tried to before, holding negative emotions inside of yourself can make you pretty twisted if you do it too long.
And doubly good on you for getting off the antidepressants. They're interesting beasties, as they can help a lot of people, but they often have strange and terrible side effects (addiction being the key one.)
Thanks, Broomhead. I find that my biggest problem is holding grudges, I can't seem to find a way to forgive people for doing terrible things. I haven't talked to my dad about the grievances I have with him because we actually have a good relationship. He wasn't always like that, just for a year or two immediately following the divorce.
I guess I got kind of lucky with the antidepressants, although in such a strange way. America's "healthcare" system is completely broken.
I guess you could say I'm toughing it out. It seems more like struggling harder and harder every day to me though.
@Jack: I'm seriously wondering if the doctor diagnosed you properly before prescribing stuff to you. It sounds like you're not confident in his diagnosis (and I would hardly blame you for that). Have you considered getting a second opinion?
"Nothing is beneath man. Everything is permitted."
"...since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved. However, it is important above all to avoid being hated."
You are correct, I am not confident in his diagnosis. He told me I was having a "major depressive episode" which I'm now almost 100% sure is false. At the time I had a really good job and still almost couldn't afford the costs; now I make insanely less money. To answer directly, I have considered getting a second opinion but cannot afford it.
I've done my own research, which is not a good idea by the way, and as far as I can tell I likely have Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't cling to that, it's just what seems likely given my limited knowledge.
There's also the fact that brain chemistry is something that differs from one person to the next, so treatment is a process of trial and error, as far as figuring out what works and what doesn't.
For my entire life before KS I considered myself to be emotionally impervious. Trouble would come my way and I would acknowledge the pain it should have inflicted upon me but I would use sheer logic(flawed logic) to reason away my negative emotions, locking them away, deep beneath my psyche(mostly unconsciously but sometimes with full awareness of what I was doing). My theory was that all my negative emotions(loneliness, sorrow, fear, mostly) we useless to me and I'd be better off not to process them. The representation I use is that my emotions were a vast sea and I was locking my negative ones in a massive oil tanker. But off course I was not better off. As appealing as being like a Vulcan is, we are humans and we need our emotions. ALL of them. The good, the bad, and most certainly the ugly. Without my full range of feelings I setup contradictions within. I was unable to sympathize with friends and family. I was distant and cold, apathetic.
Until a miraculous chain of events lead an emotionally perturbed and ambivalent version of my self to engage in a visual novel. Having already been battered by a series of events that left my mental paradigm on a precarious ledge I started KS in a confused but open manner. A decision that eventually shattered my flawed model of cognition. Three years later and I'm still studying the how and why of what the novel did to me exactly, but inside it felt as if that taker from the metaphor earlier had be rent open and a life time of pent up emotions flooded, poured, inundated...infected? Cascaded!, throughout my being. It was difficult days, the worst on record in fact, trying to cope with all that energy. But I prevailed and am a better person for it. After much introspection and self-analysis I realized what I had been doing to myself for all those years. What I had denied myself.
For with no loneliness I would be withdrawn, not knowing that we need intimate companionship to make us exceptional. With out sorrow in my own heart how could I see it in others and give them the comfort and compassion they need? With never any fear inside myself how would I ever know the most distant limits of my capabilities? When I or anyone closes themselves to parts of their emotions they close themselves to parts of humanity! Without the depths of despair one cannot experience the heights of joy. I say it is thus, just as there can be no light without the dark there can be no delight without grief. For you see the often called "dark" or "bad" emotions are the true counterpoint in the music that is life. It has been said that any life worth living isn't just life filled with easy.
I can't say I'm perfect about repressing my emotions now, but I am leaps and bounds ahead of my old self. I wanted to share my experience and conclusions here to help anyone going through an exceptionally rough time. Although it may seem hopeless, it may seem as if there is no proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, you should "suffer well" to know that with the proper help, a good deal of time and the right outlook your perceptual bad experience will make you that much of a better person. For your self, your friends, your family and as a member of society as a whole.
Thank you for your time.
“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
― Elie Wiesel
Welcome to the club! It's good that you've taken something away from your KS sessions.
On the subject of emotions, I was in my teenage years when I had an epiphany about leaving the crowd behind and just be myself, doing what I like and not giving a damn about what others will say. I also learnt that sometimes, some bastards do not understand the language of civilised speech, but fists and mockery.
"Nothing is beneath man. Everything is permitted."
"...since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved. However, it is important above all to avoid being hated."
YZQ wrote:Welcome to the club! It's good that you've taken something away from your KS sessions.
On the subject of emotions, I was in my teenage years when I had an epiphany about leaving the crowd behind and just be myself, doing what I like and not giving a damn about what others will say. I also learnt that sometimes, some bastards do not understand the language of civilised speech, but fists and mockery.
Hey, mockery is indeed part of the language of civilised speech. An old and noble tradition that goes back beyond even Taliesin, whose satirical mocking could raise carbuncles on his enemies' faces.
Post-Yamaku, what happens? After The Dream is a mosaic that follows everyone to the (sometimes) bitter end. Main Index (Complete)—Shizune/Lilly/Emi/Hanako/Rin/Misha + Miki + Natsume
Secondary Arcs: Rika/Mutou/Akira • Hideaki | Others (WIP): Straw—A Dream of Suzu • Sakura—The Kenji Saga. "Much has been lost, and there is much left to lose." — Tim Powers, The Drawing of the Dark (1979)
I can't imagine what that must have been like. Emotions pretty much rule me, so the thought of wrestling them into submission blows my mind. I've often given the idea thought, wished I could dominate my emotions. Guess it's better that I can't.
Anywho, I'm glad Katawa Shoujo broke that vicious cycle for you. It is indeed a factory of feels so strong one cannot wrest them into submission.
YZQ wrote:Welcome to the club! It's good that you've taken something away from your KS sessions.
On the subject of emotions, I was in my teenage years when I had an epiphany about leaving the crowd behind and just be myself, doing what I like and not giving a damn about what others will say. I also learnt that sometimes, some bastards do not understand the language of civilised speech, but fists and mockery.
Hey, mockery is indeed part of the language of civilised speech. An old and noble tradition that goes back beyond even Taliesin, whose satirical mocking could raise carbuncles on his enemies' faces.
Thus, I take back the "mockery" part.
"Nothing is beneath man. Everything is permitted."
"...since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved. However, it is important above all to avoid being hated."
BMFJack wrote:
Anywho, I'm glad Katawa Shoujo broke that vicious cycle for you. It is indeed a factory of feels so strong one cannot wrest them into submission.
Yes, and that's what intrigues me so about KS. Why? Why is it so powerful? I've been involved in many so called emotionally engaging experience before KS in a wide variety of mediums. But they don't hold a candle to the burning sun of vivid turbulent emotions Katawa Shoujo is. Sure those other things may have effected me in the short term but only KS had the intensity and duration to provoke any real, genuine response. So I've made it my life goal to figure out why this VN is what is, through research, study and intense analysis.
“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
― Elie Wiesel
GlassAlmanac wrote:So I've made it my life goal to figure out why this VN is what is, through research, study and intense analysis.
Don't you think that's falling back into old habits a bit? Emotions cannot be defined, and as you experienced they don't take well to being ruled. They're powerful, elusive, and necessary.
It's my opinion that Katawa Shoujo is as strong as it is because of the dev team. The amount of time and effort they invested into it, the way they didn't really leave anything up to one single person but worked together as a group on everything (feedback that inspires change counts as work, in my opinion)
They were given an idea, and they were so inspired by the idea that their dream was to see it into reality. It's not something which can be wholly put into words.
