Katawa Shoujo Forums

Alright. I'll finish it. Maybe write a sequel, not sure. However, it's going to be a while before I post the last five chapters, as looking at them I realize they need some substantial revision. And I mean substantial. So it's going to be while. Just so you all know.

So... Anyone ever told you about this stuff called suspension? You know, creating and sustaining it? What you had here was the beginning of a story. You introduced an antagnist with Apocalypse, you put one of the protagonist in danger... You could have filled a storyarc with this. And then you have...

The important words are "She saw"... Anyway, I wonder why Lilly didn't do a little CSI work in Hanako's apartment... Very good. Exactly why I phrased it that way. Short version is, she did but couldn't extract any useful information. Long version is, I wasn't able to come up with a good p...

Guest wrote:Now the question is will hisao actually stay dead, or like every other superhero get revived in some way....

If you're familiar with the uses of telepathy, you can probably guess that not everything is as it appears...

Chapter 9: Sacrifice Shizune materialized just outside her room. Misha was there and immediately turned to her. [There you are! I've been looking all over for you.] Misha signed [Sorry, some cosmic entity called the Grandmaster wanted to play chess with me, it took longer than expected.] Shizune rep...

This was probably yur weakest chapter so far. Now your dialogue was a good deal better here than in most chapters, but there were a few major flaws. The Grandmaster stuff seemed to come out of nowhere. A little bit of buildup could have helped that. The danger room sequence wasn't bad, but hitting ...

Chapter 8. Black King takes White Queen. “Hanako? Who is she?” Betsy asked. “The closest friend I have after Lilly. Very kind girl, very sweet. Used to have major society anxiety but she has come a long way in overcoming it. Apparently she disappeared last night, and from the looks of her room she d...

Hey, there wouldn't be complaining if there wasn't stuff we liked. There's a big difference between 'I think this part is bad' and 'I think the whole thing sucks'. My single favorite part was Rin taking out Bushwacker. Like any creative endeavor, you get better with practice. I've heard about the a...

“Happy Birthday, sweetie.” Lilly said, planting a kiss on Hisao's neck. “Thank you,” Hisao responded and smiled, hugging his girlfriend, “Can't believe I'm twenty-two, huh?” “Four years has certainly flown by. You're more wonderful each day.” “Aw thanks.” Hisao's neck? Really? And I didn't think pe...

Could you give me some pointers? What should I work on? What are my strong points? It's a lot of little things. Poor punctuation, incorrect capitalization, and some cringe-worthy dialogue. The other major comment I have is about Shizune and Lilly's relationship. Your story takes place after Lilly's...

Well, having everyone being virtually indestructible is a surefire way to take tension out of a story... Or if you want to put them in real danger, the story could get pretty gory quickly. So is this godstone stuff actually x-men canon, or did you make that up? I made it up. and I suppose possibly ...

“No problem. The X-men were actually formed by Charles Xavier, who couldn't particulate in missions due to being paraplegic.” Pretty sure you mean participate… Though, given the existence of superpowers in this, the mental image this gives me is interesting. Hows that for a cliffhanger? What do you...

Chapter 7: Desire “Is it working?” Hisao asked Lilly shook her head. “I'm sorry, no. I'm still not getting it.” “It'll come.” Hisao replied, his voice holding a note of disappointment. When he had first tried letting Lilly see through his eyes a little over a week ago, the initial attempts had been ...

That is quite interesting. Are you planning on writing more with this character? I'd love to see a follow up.

Chapter 6: A shooting at the university In the dead of night, Max woke up to the sound of crying in the next room. Getting up, he walked over to Emi's bedroom and peered into her door. Emi was sobbing into her pillow. “Emi, whats wrong?” Max asked Emi looked up and shook her head “Just a nightmare. ...